She arrived of you this morning
a little chick for your nest
how I would love to see,
what is made of you, that life,
your heart walks outside now
broken free from your chest
It must hurt to watch it beat
And not feel it beneath your breast
I love your little chick
Allie
And I will wonder from afar
If she resembles that little bird
I knew
That flew
That flew so far
***
Allie,
How should I start a letter a few months late, perhaps with a simple "I missed you" and a squeeze of your hand. Will you let me say sorry?! To take the time back and offer you a thousand memories that should have filled that time instead. I could have helped you pick out obnoxiously expensive nursery furniture that we could have charged to Bens credit card, and how I would have loved to watch you waddle about as you approached this month. Ive missed a tonne of time, and I will miss more, I know, but I know you must know that I still think of you every day and wish I could be there for these moments. I saw you on the Christmas card, you suited pregnancy. I've never seen you look so beautiful Allie, if I could have pinched those cheeks... you know I would have, to your dismay. I would have loved to have sat in awe and wonder, my palm against your belly at the movement inside, she's such a miracle isn't she?!
What will you call her Allie? Your little chick? Perhaps a formal Anderson family name? Or something a little more, you. I can't wait to find out. I wish I could come to you now and hold her, and hold you, and offer you anything you need of me...
I'm sending you a book of Poetry I found recently, everything about it from its cover to its delicious, delirious words, reminded me of how you write to your core, sending out every thought and feeling you have and feverishly documenting every one as if you didn't they should make you dizzy and sick. Allie I miss your words, my mind turns to mush without them... a sedentary state. I so hope you still write.
Kiss that little piece of you in your arms will you? And tell her aunty Willa will always be here for her, whenever she needs me. I know when I meet her it will be a long awaited day, but we shall never forget it. Until then, I think she will look just perfect in the little sneakers I sent, and a mini basketball jersey, it's my current team, and I could do with a good luck charm as lucky as she. I love you little one, with everything I have.
And I will be back Allie... I promise. Each month that passes, the fog, it clears more and more, and before you know it, it shall be safe to travel through, visibility will be 100% and my path back to you will be clear.
Until then,
I miss you xx
I love you xx
Endlessly...
Willa
***
I sit with the letter in my fingers, letting it fall through them as I reach the last words, which sends the pink paper flying like a feather, slow and breezily to the floor of the nursery.
The window I gaze out of shows my reflection, my blue eyes filled with tears, my newborn daughter pressed to my breast, her lips sucking in repetitive motions under the gaze of the morning light that streaks through the back window. It is the room that reminds me of Willa's. I watch as the dawning sun comes over the mountain tops, like a welcomed friend returning home, which is what I wish Willa was. I wish Willa was at my door right now, coming through and wrapping me in her embrace, telling me she had made a mistake and should never have left me like that. I suck back up the tears and wipe my running nose, sniffing and clearing my airway. Why did she do this to me?! Send me words that would get inside and turn me upside down... no return address....
She is here
Willa
And she is everything true
And I am saved, I start a new
Ten fingers and Ten toes
a flick of auburn hair, eyes that stare
she looks like she's been here
an old soul who knew
like you,
that I needed a hand to hold
And her little fists grab my finger firm
a promise of forever
and we flew
Birds of a feather
Starting new
We flew
***
"What is her name" my mama asks, coming into the family room with my father who beamed as he reached for the baby. I lifted her, and Ben took her out of my hands with a smile before gently placing her into my fathers arms. I gazed upon them, as he slowly sat back in the armchair, a look of love plastered on his face, my mama sitting on the arm and lovingly gazing upon her too, our little creation.
"Her name" Ben began and he looked at me for reassurance. I nodded for him to continue. "Her name is Harper" he revealed.
My father looked up with a large smile spreading across his face "Harper" he repeats softy, looking back to her as he he gently stroked her red hair. "Helena look" he says looking up to my mama with a deep affection "She has the hair" he muses.
Mama strokes his forehead, and kisses him, and I can't help but feel such content at my parents and the love that they share.
"Welcome to our family Harper Jameson" he whispers, and he kisses her forehead.
"Yes little darling ... welcome..." my mama says softly "your grandparents love you dearly, my fiery little grandprincess"
I smile "Isn't she perfect" I ask, and they look up at me, full of joy. My mama comes over and wraps me in her arms. I am still living in a floaty white night dress, my long auburn hair pulled into a messy bun, trying to heal from the traumatic delivery as comfortably as possible. I don't quite feel human yet.
"She is Perfect, just like you my darling" my mama muses "just ...like...you" she emphasised, as she kisses my cheek.
"We haven't picked out a middle name yet" Ben says, taking the seat opposite my dad. He runs his hand through his short dark hair and looks at me with a slight pout of his lips, an irritation really, it's because of me she doesn't have a middle name yet.
"What are the options" my dad asks.
Ben laughs a little nervously.
"Only one that I want really" he replies.
My mama looks up at him, and away from me "what is it" she asks.
He looks to me a little unsure of whether he should say.
"Willa" I cut in, short and to the point.
My mama senses the way in which I say it isn't with the usual affection, and she frowns at me.
"Well that's lovely, isn't it Alberta" my dad asks.
I look out of the window and away from them all, focusing on the clouds that float by, feeling the ache.
"Alberta" my mama pushes.
"She doesn't want that as her middle name" Ben states disappointedly.
"I couldn't think of anything more perfect" my mama states, and I slowly return to the room, my attentions back on my mama's concerned gaze.
"No" I return shortly "it is far from perfect" I state irritated. I stand up and walk over to my dad "I better take her for her next feed" I suggest.
He looks a little unsure of my sudden change in mood and he hands her over, placing his hand on my arm "anything you need my darling, you know we are only up the road... day or night Alberta... we love you"
I nod "I know dad ... I love you too... thanks for coming over... bring the kids next time I miss them"
"We will" he says.
Ben stands as I exit the room. I hear him as I walk up the stairs, apologising for me.
I enter the bedroom and return to the rocking chair. My mama appears in the door just as I sit down, and closes it quietly behind herself.
"Alberta" she begins, coming to sit beside me. "What is wrong" she asks me concerned. "This whole Willa thing" she asks.
"Mama, I just don't want it as a middle name, that is all"
"Why, when it means something to Ben" she asks "surely he should also have some say. Willa is his baby sister... he must miss her... I think it is a beautiful tribute" she says softly, trying to understand.
"Mama she isn't dead... she is quite alive out there somewhere and she isn't being held captive or in-prisoned. Willa is quite capable of coming here... we wouldn't judge her mama, not in this house, and if she doesn't know that" I say getting angry at the thought "Willa keeps herself from me on purpose. I wish I knew why, but it is what it is. She does this of her own free will, and until I can be made to understand, until she can explain to me why she has lumped me in with her homophobic family, and taken leave of me too... I can't be reminded of her every damn day... forced more than I am to say or hear her name. Mama it hurts to even say it...and I'm exhausted, absolutely exhausted... I can't"
"Oh my darling" my mama says slipping her arm around my shoulders "I had no idea" she whispers "that it hurt you so deeply... has she not written" she asks me surprised.
"She has..." I reveal.
Harper stirs a little in my arms, her mouth searching out for my breast again. I slip the top of my nightdress down my bare shoulder, where it falls down revealing my chest. I place her little mouth beside my breast, and she latches on.
"And does she explain" my mama asks.
I take a deep breath and release it, looking back to my mamas waiting eyes "She talks of missing me... of wishing she could be here... but her words are meaningless" I lie, of course they aren't meaningless, perhaps they mean too much, far too much. Perhaps I am afraid of how much I long to see the letters in the mailbox, and how a day can be ruined when they are not present. "I can't read them anymore...they are... too much"
"Okay" my mama says, smoothing her hand down my arm soothingly.
"Well she clearly has some things to work through Alberta, and perhaps she feels it's not healthy to do that around people from home. Maybe she wants to return to you when she has settled, her body and mind. I know she will return... she adores the air you breath my darling"
"And I her" I reply gazing down at the small pink hand that is curled up under Harpers chin. "Harper is the future now mama. I know with her here now... that I will be okay. I have so much to look forward to again, and so many experiences to share with this girl right here...nothing and nobody matters, not really, not right at this minute. Does it ever get tiresome?" I ask gazing at my perfect angel in my arms.
My mama smiles "No, you will stare at her forever, and it will never be without awe... you created that little girl Alberta, and my oh my ...she is the image of you"
"And you" I share with a loving smile. "I love you mama" I whisper.
Starting new... We flew... we flew...me and you.
My girl