Small things have became milestones
Your small pebble you step over so casually -
became a boulder I pushed until my back would cave
Now, my back pops and cracks whenever I try to make it straight
But you see, I cleaned up all the incense ashes today -
so I'm okay,
I'm doing better
The palo santo, the sage and citrus, and the lavender
My dresser doesn't make my palms dingy after cleansing the air anymore
and - I consulted my cards -
They called me out, like they always do -
but they said things will get even better
Maybe I'll start asking other questions I'm scared to ask
like, "Will you help me?" or "Would you hold my hand?"
I even used my spirit board and tried to ask my mother
- like when did she notice I was starting to slip
When did she realize that me clinging to her hip -
and shaking like a leaf when people spoke to me -
was stronger than shyness
I remember once, a teacher in sixth grade -
yelled at us all on our first day to scare us straight -
before we could even try anything
and I ran into my mothers arms after such a long day
and sobbed about how the entire world was shaking when she yelled -
and that I could still hear her hand slam on our desk
She marched herself to the principal
She did the same thing, yell and yell -
and she responded that if I was that emotionally distraught
about past events that I can't survive my future -
that I should just see a therapist
That only made her angrier
She insisted that I was just like everyone else
- except I hide
I curl into my shell so no one can hurt me
Loneliness is the safest place and I could access it so easily -
because everyone I had known before had put me there
That teacher suddenly was much nicer to me
Actually, she acted like I was a broken toy that could get her in trouble
My friends would point out that she was softer with me -
and I realized that even getting help was isolating
- but, I cleaned up the incense ashes today
The lotus, the jasmine, the rose, the strawberry -
the cedar, the frankincense, myrrh, and the rosemary
- hoping it was a good start to clean up the rest of my life
Next is my closet,
the skeletons have been a bit claustrophobic
They've been screaming like everyone else
If the past is dead, why is it all still lurking around
Ah, I think I'll make my bed first