But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
'Cause I'm only human
It has been four days. Four days of me in silent mode. Four days of me unmoving simply staring aimlessly through the window. I heard soft noise in the background, but it wasn't loud enough to talk over the voices. The demons in my mind, the ones that don't leave me alone. I feel hands on top of my head, down my arms towards my hands but I can't seem to move, as if I was frozen in time.
Paralysed.
Why?
Just why?
Why did they not believe me? Why did they think I was lying? Why couldn't they just accept that they were wrong? That their precious little princess is nothing more than an ugly demonic bitch. Everything kept going on repeat in my head. The memories, the voices, the demons.
I was sinking. I was unable to breathe. I was locked up in a cage of fear and anxiety. How I longed to feel something again. I was cold. But I wasn't.
I was numb.
"I know you don't feel like eating, but please have some soup. I made your favourite, garbure, I'll heat some up for you, alright?" Mama said before she kissed my head and left the room.
Without turning and without letting my gaze leave the window. "I'm sorry." I croaked out.
"Don't. Please don't ever apologise to me, Dells. There is no reason for you to." He murmured softly, whilst caressing my hair.
"I almost killed myself. I don't know what happened. One minute I'm yelling at them and the next... the voices just became too much. I wanted it all to stop. I needed it to be quiet. It just all became too much."
Lemuel said nothing when I whispered it all out. The expressions on his face didn't change, he never stopped petting my head. He was just there, to listen, to talk if needed, to give warmth. He expected nothing from me in return. That did something to my heart.
"They chose her. They chose her over me. After everything that happened, I'm still not enough for them to love me. I will never be enough for them, but why can't I let go. Why can I not just leave them as they have me? I am so selfish. I have you and Kiel, but still I want more, why?"
Lemuel sighed out but kept a soft smile on his face.
"Sweetheart, it is only natural to want their care and love and attention. Especially Noah's. From the moment you were born he did everything for you. He fed you, changed your diapers, even went as far as to get out of bed in the middle of the night if you needed a cuddle. No-o was your first word, did you know that? Noah did everything for you, he had been your dad for all intents and purposes. That is why this lays so heavy on your heart. Noah turning his back on you feels like betrayal. And the fact that you still desire his attention even after all of that is because you still love him. Your love for him stems from the time you were happy. Your heart and mind link Noah to the happiest times in your memory, before Candace took it all away. Don't ever think that there is something wrong with you for not being able to want to let that go. You will be able to let it go once you have found something that makes you even happier. But your heart will never forget the way Noah made you feel."
My gaze slowly went from the window to Lemuel.
"I am broken. I am defeated and shattered and I don't know how to get back from that."
"One day at a time. And both me and Zeke will be there every step of the way. And it's okay to fall down as long as you are able to get back up, with or without help."
Compartmentalising Lee's words I came to one thought process that I hated myself for. "You guys can't stay with me." Lee looked at me confused.
"I would be breaking up the family. I can't have that. I don't want that. If you choose to help me, your relationship with dad and the rest will strain even more, I can't have that, I can't let you do that!"
"Us choosing to help you, is not breaking up the family. Dad, Ezra and Noah have always been a trio. James and Aquila are the same as Zeke and I, a duo. At the end of the day we are a family, but we have been separate from each other for years and that formation started before you were sent away.
Also, James and Aquila are going to college at the end of the summer and Nick asked me to move in with him, so I'm probably going to do that soon." He ended with a smile.
"And Silas... Well he and dad had a falling out years ago and he decided he no longer wanted to be around him anymore and moved to our other family members in Italy. Silas wanted to have minimal to no contact with any of us for some reason. That's the reason you only saw him once when you came to L.A. and haven't seen him since."
I simply nodded my head.
"I need a lot of help."
"And we will be there every step of the way."
Mama had heated up some soup and even though I told her I wasn't hungry all she had to do was give one 'mom look' and I had started. One spoonful became two and three and before I knew she was refilling the small bowl she had made for me.
"You weren't hungry, huh?" She said with a smile. It was still an effort for me to speak after my 'indiscretion', but I managed to reply as I would normally.
"This is chantage. Pure emotional blackmail. You know I could never resist this!" I pointed out. There were some things in this world that you were allowed to wake me up for in the middle of the night.
Aubrey was in the room braiding my hair, while Lemuel was heading back to Nick's to shower and Kiel was currently doing some rounds in the hospital. Guy has got to work to eat, right? He made sure he had day shifts so he could spend the nights in my room. Except for yesterday, when I 'borrowed' his phone to text Emily to pick him up and drag him home to actually sleep. Robèrt stayed the night, even when I texted them it wasn't necessary. I had woken up in the middle of the night crying and he had been the sweetest man, cradling me in his arms until I fell back asleep.
"Of Course it is. I know my daughter well enough. Now, you have eaten, we sponged you down and have done your hair, how about we got you out of this room for a little bit. The sun is shining and it is finally getting a little warmer here."
I slowly nodded my head, maybe I needed some extra vitamine SUN.
Julien had no trouble getting me into the wheelchair and Teddy had quickly found his spot on my lap to sit. Looking around and listening to all the background noise that seemed to get a little louder, I found myself surrounded. I was caged in, but not by fear and anxiety. But by compassion and love. Care.
A small smile glistened on my face while I caressed Teddy's locks.
"Psshtt..." Aubrey whispered harshly into my ear. Turning my head slightly, she knew that would be the only form of recognition she would get from me.
"The moment the elevator doors open, we're gonna do a prison break! This place is way too depressing to you, I mean have you seen how pale this place makes you? You need days in the sun for that to go away, so we are escaping! Let's go to Australia. We can lay on the beach during the day and make some new friends at night. Whatya think?!"
I slowly turned towards her and a slight smirk came onto our faces. "You're paying." I whispered back.
"Booyah!"
The elevator doors started to open and Aubrey ran out of it. My wheelchair went at too high a speed for the hospital paths, but did she care at that point? Nope!
"So long suckers!"
Teddy was screaming and laughing at the same time while he clung to my body.
"Riri, wait! Riri, slow down!" I laughed out loud.
She raced through the corridors of the hospital making beeping noises with her mouth to get everyone out of our way. She almost ran over a nurse with this death contraption. Before I could comprehend, my eyes were being blinded by sunlight.
The hospital's garden was beautiful. So much space filled with colours of different flowers put together. The garden was a pure place of zen. Amazing winding paths that were broad enough for wheelchairs so everyone could enjoy the serenity of it all. Most paths led to different Gazebos where you could sit down and relax enjoying the sun.
Aubrey was walking us to one that was already filled with a number of people.
"You might want to take another one, this one is filled." I whispered out.
"Nah. If they don't want to share, that's their fault. They can just hop over to another one. This is the prettiest out of all of them, I checked." She said with a smug smile.
"Hello beautiful people of this gazebo. You are in the presence of my Best friend. Bow down to her eminence." Aubrey spoke up, whilst I was trying to hide the embarrassment on my face by holding Teddy higher on my lap.
"No need to hide, Bambina." I would recognize that voice anywhere.
"Nonno?" I looked up at the man. Indeed, my grandfather was here, which made me tear up in joy. Holding out my arms, he easily figured out what I wanted.
"I have missed you so much." He whispered during our embrace.
"Me too, nonno. Me too."
"So, you must be Miss Wilson, the self proclaimed niece?"
Well crap. How to talk myself out of this one? Looking at the man, I instantly knew that Julien looked more like his mother, except for his height and his dimples. Ah those dimples. Thank you for giving him those glorious dimples.
"Oui, Oncle. It is a pleasure to finally meet you. You know, now that I look at you I can totally see the resemblance between you and Papa."
Where did I get the confidence from? God! I must be Bipolar... Oh well, problem for another day.
"Bambina, I want you to meet my good friend, Hugo St. Clair." My grandfather pointed to the elder man sitting next to him. You could see on his face that he led a good life filled with happiness.
I whispered to my grandfather. "Is he also as hyper active as his granddaughter?" Which was met with laughter.
"I swear North! You don't stop with that, I will kick you!" Aubrey tried to look annoyed, but was unable due to the smile on her face.
Julien lifted me out of the wheelchair and onto one of the benches so I could sit beside my grandfather. Maman had shoved a cup of tea into my awaiting hands. People had started mingling while I stayed quiet, slowly sipping the hot tea. Nonno had placed his arm around my waist, firmly but gently holding onto me. My head on his shoulder. Gen was sitting next to Pierre and they were smiling at each other while talking. Hold the phone?! Is she... blushing??
Before I could comment, Julien was apparently trying to pin me into the conversation he was having with papa.
"I have a question. Your name is Julien, yet when we met you said it was Matthew. Care to explain?"
My question was met with genuine laughter. Good lord those dimples. Karma you may take me now.
"My middle name is Matthieu, which is French for Matthew. You can still call me whatever you want."
I nodded my head. "So your middle name and Adrians is the same. I'll just keep calling you twilight."
"I see everyone is here." Kiel said while walking up to us. He greeted me with a kiss on my head and a wave to most others, except for Gen, who got a kiss on the cheek making her smile light up.
"Okay, so Lainy, if your tests come out positive, you are going to be discharged tomorrow."
And que the anxiety. Kiel just kept on smiling at me.
"With that said, I still have your birthday gift here." A manila folder was handed to me. Kiel encouraged me to open it.
ADMISSION TO THE PAEDIATRICS PROGRAM OF ST. ROSEMARY HOSPITAL.
I couldn't believe it. This had got to be a joke. My gaze went from the form to Kiels and back down. Several times. I was really bipolar. Why am I crying?
"You're... You're moving... to MIAMI?! What about Emily? You can't leave her, she's too good for you to do long distance! And before you say anything, you're not allowed to break up with her! I forbid it! You hear me Ezekiel DiMartino?! I will cut off your balls, if you even think about it."
Bipolar it is nice to meet you. My name is Adelaide. Welcome to my head. Find a comfy spot because it's going to be a long ride...
Kiel just started laughing. "One, I am never leaving that woman, she's coming with us. And two, just because your emotions are out of control does not mean your bipolar. You are just having too much stimuli after the other that your brain can't decide if it's happy, sad, angry or content. So you're exhibiting all after each other. Give it a bit of time, you'll get better."
Oh thank Karma!
"We are all staying in a hotel tomorrow and taking a plane back to Miami the next day. Emily has already moved all of her stuff and some of mine to your apartment. I hope you don't mind roommates. The only issue we have is dad, which I don't want you to worry your pretty little head around. Nonno, mom and Lemuel will take care of it."
I nodded.
"He isn't going to let this go. He won't let me go, Kiel, and you know it. He will fight tooth and nail for it. He would need a different kind of push to let me go without making Adaline his perfect princess again."
"Let us worry about that honey." Genevieve chirped. I slowly nodded my head and conversations were being made again. I was still racking my brain over the problem we had.
Que light bulb moment.
"Nonno, can I borrow your phone?" I looked at him with cute eyes. He chuckled at me but still gave me the phone.
Calling a number that I knew by heart, I placed the phone on speaker onto the table because I couldn't hold it up for too long. I was amongst family, so they were allowed to know my deepest secret.
"Wendy's Flower & Arrangements, this is Gloria speaking, how may I help you?"
Everyone stopped talking and were looking at me weirdly.
"This is Peha. I have an open solicitation."
I merely smiled at the shocked people next to me. I couldn't fight for skittles, but owning The assassins guild of the Underworld? Sure. Why not?
"Ready for command ma'am."
"Pay: $100.000.-. Objective: Scare the literal fuck out of the former Italian don and his princess; Ricardo DiMartino and Adaline Valentina DiMartino. Adaline messed with Adelaide Aurora, who is under the protection of Peha. No actual physical harm is allowed, only temporary mental / psychological scarring. Those not involved on the premises must be out of order by usage of tranq guns.
Number of personnel: max 4 people."
"Solicitation placed, Ma'am. ETA for filled slots, approx. 32 minutes. Anything else I may do for you?"
"Yes. Another open solicitation.
Pay: $1.200.000.- Objective: Eliminate future Don Fang Chaoxiang. They did not listen to the Conductor's warnings. Number of Personnel: Max 12 people."
"Sollicitation placed Ma'am. ETA for filled slots, approx. 7 minutes. Anything else I may do for you?"
"That is all Gloria, thank you for your marvellous assistance."
"I wish you a beautiful day."
Ending the call, I looked around the table and sighed.
"You may say it. I'm awesome, I know." I nodded my head smugly.
"You are Peha?" Lee asked me.
"Yes. I am the literal King of the underworld."
"Let me get this right. You are both the Conductor and PEHA?" Julien exclaimed.
"Yes! Are we impressed?" He nodded, still shocked.
"You chose a good one, son." Pierre clapped on Julien's shoulders.
"BUT!! This does not mean a discount. Of ANY KIND. You hear me. No friends and family discounts!" I smirked to which people laughed.
And at this moment I knew...
I was going to be okay.
Ooohh... Told you our girl is a badass!
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Love, Sarah