[flashback]
"Uchiha Itachi died after fighting Hoshikagi Kisame."
It was the news I have received from Kakashi after coming back from a mission. Mikoto was the first one to approach me after having a word about Kakashi - sending me the news. Lord Third and Lord Fugaku tried to console but stopped after seeing me accepting his death well. As if the intensity of his death wasn't that shocking or maybe I have myself prepared for his death.
"Aki." Lord Fugaku called. We were the only man standing here at the cemetery, below the dark clouds and harsh raindrops. "It's okay, you can cry." He urged but I just shook my head.
"I am tired, my lord." I said firmly. "I have myself cried before... because I know he'll die soon. Even with my interference, his death was inevitable." I added.
I already prepared myself to cry but I didn't. My eyes have grown tired of shedding tears for Itachi. But I can't hide the fact that this is painful. And even after knowing the fact that this was our last and final life, I couldn't still grasp about it. I don't want to mourn hard because I promised him but it still hurts. What can I do? Hypnotize myself?
"He died with honor." I heard the lord uttered with grief.
"In this timeline, yes." It was thanks to my interference that Itachi didn't go rouge under the village's order. It was thanks to my memories that we didn't suffer hard like the last time. That we didn't have to go through harsh path again just to prove that our love was unconditional and pure. I was glad that I wouldn't experience to be thrown off the bush for everything, for the village and for Sasuke by him but a part of me keeps telling me that I should still be mad for just giving me up before... just like that.
"Sometimes, just sometimes Aki. Itachi would talk to me and ask if you're doing fine. Even upon knowing that you two cut off your connections, I can't help but to feel bad as his father. I do understand that you two truly understand each other's choices but that fundamental understanding are what makes you... so painful." He said sadly. "Do you find it funny that of all people, I had the nerve to talk like this to you?"
I released a soft chuckle, "Indeed funny but what you said was true. We are indeed painful. Forcing ourselves to believe that we could be happy by being apart. That we could avoid tragedies by not being together." Soon, tears started to well up on my eyes, making my vision blur. "When in reality, we are just saving ourselves. Fearing the harsh pain we felt before."
"You were traumatized and that's understandable." He noted. "He loved you, Aki."
"But that wasn't enough my lord." I cried. I just let myself cried in the presence of the Uchiha Clan's head. "I want to be mad, of all times, of all the lives I have lived... he threw me off for the sake of everything when I... when I have gathered everything for him. When I have done everything for him... he chose to die."
Exhausted, I tried to breathe slowly. Even though it's been years since our paths have crossed, our last goodbyes and interaction, it was still fresh for me. It's as if time didn't even moves forward or maybe time didn't want me to move forward. It was purely torture, relieving that night, relieving everything.
"You chose to love my son. And my son is that kind of a person, Aki."
"I know." I noted. "It's just it hurts a lot. Still - might I say. And now that he died... what should I do? I know I have promised him that I will live this life much as I please but now that I have to come to where the death is once again, I feel the light inside me faded."
I stood there abruptly, not minding the harsh drops of the rain from above. Neither Fugaku and I mind anyway so we continued standing. The lord didn't mind me showing unprofessionalism since he understand what kind of ordeal I'm dealing with. But in reality I didn't expect him to mourn with me, them - I mean. They're trying so hard to keep me in check, probably scared that I might second or come after Itachi. I am not that delusional but possible.
"Aki you have to let go of Itachi." Lord Fugaku stated after contemplating everything. I released a soft gaze.
"Really." Can I let go of him? Can I finally see myself without him? My world was him and him alone. My heart belongs to him. My life revolves with Itachi alone and now that he died, everything dies along with him. But this timeline was a bit odd, nothingness didn't suck me nor forced me to enter the void of darkness. Maybe, just maybe, I have come to end the flow of thoughts inside my head. That a part of me started to accept that in this timeline... we can't be together.
"Love is a painful curse - Itachi said that." Of course. That's Itachi. "For everyday - as I observed, he didn't stop loving you Aki. He just stopped showing it. He was grateful as he met you this time and as per his request..." He handed me the scroll, making me flinch after recognizing the blood seal on it. Itachi. "This was his last message. He figured that he'll die fighting an Akatsuki and later told me to hand this to you."
What for? Another goodbyes? Why does he enjoy making me suffer?
Aki,
Goodness. I just read the first word from his letter, my tears started to flow through my cheeks. It's been ages since I last saw his penmanship and I could hear him call my name. An illusion. My heart beats faster as I hugged the scroll. Lord Fugaku left earlier to give me some space after the rain stopped. I leaned my back on the tree trunk in front of the KIA stone, softly gazing on where Itachi's name was carved.
I am hoping that this letter would reach you. I told father to hand it on you as I predicted my death. I know this was an early death but you have altered the timeline and we both know that altering time comes with a great consequences and I thought that it might become my death.
Aki, I know it's been years. I don't even know what to say but I'm glad to always see you live your life without any hint of distress. Just free and happy - like I always wanted you to be. I love the way you smile whenever you're in presence of others. I might say I feel jealous every time they makes you smile instead of me but what can I do? We have come to an end. 'That should be me' is what I wanted to always say. It should have been me.
You know, I know you fought a lot. You fought for me a lot and I already told you about this, Aki, you have done enough. Of all lives you have lived, I have seen enough and I cannot see you suffer again in this life. And I am sorry for not able to reciprocate every sacrifices you have made. I love you - is all I could say. My love is all I could afford to patch up your heart and I am sorry for always throwing you away for the sake of everything.
I sometimes wish I didn't become a pacifist. I wished to become a selfish one. Just be with you with all of the lives we had, not minding the chaos that is happening around us but I can't. This is me, Aki. And I am sorry for forsaking you always. I have made you suffer enough, I have played God enough and it was tiring... my love. I know an apology wouldn't do anything for you but I want you to know that I have repented. Being away with you was hell... without you in my arms was a complete dark void. Death.
Death is a lonely place when you enter, Aki. And you know it too. Living, dying and resurrecting. We both suffer darkness. We have darkness but without you... the only light that was given on me gone, what else do you expect?
So, I have chosen death once again. Entering another void, infinite void darkness. I will patiently wait for the right time once again. Hoping that the cycle of pain would stop within our last lives. Pleading that the red string of our fate was still connected on each other the moment we are reborn again.
Aki I was thinking for years about your well-being after I died again. I know we both ended everything, assured that we would avoid the pain we had encountered before but I am concerned that you would enter nothingness again.
Aki I love you so much. All I wanted was you to be happy. Even with the interference of life and death, time and space, my love for you was eternal. And I am sorry for leaving you once again but this time I feel relived. You have people beside you now. You are not alone my love. You have them... you have me inside your heart, imprinted in your soul.
Take yourself to the sea of happiness my love. I will wait for you in our next life; fulfilling my promise that I will marry you and we'll be happy at last.
Yours,
Itachi
"You are always have been this cruel... Itachi." I gazed on his name after reading his final message. "Telling me to be happy after you chose death and leaving me again was cruel, you know that? That... is not a way to please a woman. Good gracious."
( - _ - )
"Another mission?" It was Kakashi who asked that after walking outside the meeting room. We just finished our council meeting with the Feudal Lord. They announced the proclamation of Lord Fugaku as one of Konoha's councilmen. "You seem to have accepting a bunch of missions?"
"And you are annoying." I told him teasingly. "You have your own unit, Kakashi." I gave him an eyeroll but he deadpanned. "Accepting mission is our duty."
"But not solo and almost SS-class. What are you even thinking? - no, are you even thinking? You could die!" He said sternly, slightly raising his voice on me. I could only sigh. We've been fighting about this over and over. "Aki, I am concerned. I understand you're experiencing grievance but this is too much."
"I am confident of taking care of myself, Kashi." I told him using his nickname he got from me. "I am thankful for your concern but what is too much is you becoming a mother hen. Look, I'm perfectly capable of finishing those mission, no need to worry."
"I will always worry about you, Aki." He said, making my eyes widened.
I have always knew that Kakashi has this romantic feeling towards me. I am no naïve not to feel and caught a glimpse of that. Kakashi is a good man. A loyal, generous and lovely. If Itachi didn't come into my life, I would gladly love him, give him my whole heart, swear that I will love him even after my death. But life was always harsh on me.
"Kakashi..." I called. "I know. I won't do anything that would make you worry, was that enough assurance?" I gave him a sincere smile with hopes of easing his doubt about this mission.
"Nothing was enough in regards to your well-being, Aki." He seriously chided. "Sometimes I hate you becoming more independent. I can't even win a single debate against you." He gave up with a sigh. Gently wrapping his strong arms around my shoulder, carefully caressing my head using his hands as if he was scared that I might grumble with his touch. He treats me like an expensive vase. fragile, delicate and firm. Something I wished Itachi thought of me before. "I know you're still not ready. I'm not forcing you either to love me like how you love him. I just want you to know that I am here and you're not alone."
My gaze soften upon hearing his statement. Itachi was once again right about his statement. I am not alone in this world anymore. Kakashi was here, he didn't left me just like what he did. He didn't forsake me. He is making me feel alive and happy. It was Kakashi - the man who stayed.
"You are making me cry, Kashi." I told him, burying my face on his neck, indulging my self to feel his warmth. I feel safe and protected.
"I know... I'm sorry." He mumbled, placing a kiss at the top of my head.
"But can you still wait, Kashi?" I asked him. "I want to love you. A pure love. A love that you deserve. I want to try that Kakashi. You are lovely, and I am blessed to have you as my lover."
Kakashi gently pushed me away from him, nudging me to look on his pleading visible eye. His eyes sparkling of gratitude and happiness. He is truly happy with me. "Of course, Aki. You have all the time to take. I am always here, I won't leave you."
"Always?" I asked with hopes that he wasn't lying because the moment he'd give me an assurance, I will let go of the love I cannot afford and move forward with Kakashi.
"Always." And with that, he sealed everything, every doubt inside me with a kiss of assurance. Making me feel like I am floating in a vast sea of happiness.
( - _ - )
"So Kakashi, huh?" Lord Third blew a puff of smoke upon hearing my news to them. I have Mikoto and Fugaku to join me have a talk with the Lord Third. I dragged the couple because I treated them as my parents, a guardians if not. They helped a lot and over the years have passed, they didn't forget about me.
"You are getting married to him, Aki!" Mikoto beamed with happiness, hands clasps with her eyes beaming with satisfaction that I will be marrying the infamous Hatake Kakashi. "I told you honey, they would likely to end up with each other." She nudge her elbows on her husband's ribcage making him groan out of pain.
I can't believe they made a bet and I can only think of someone to insist the bet. Uchiha Shisui.
"Yeah, and I..." Tint of red was shown on my face, making the adults grin. "I want you to walk me down the aisle as my father and mother, if that's okay with you. While we'll have Lord Third to marry us."
I am an orphan. I was adopted by the Sarutobi clan and got no parents to walk with me. I hope they would agree, I could only see Mikoto and Fugaku with me as they were the only one who really treated me as their own child. I got Inoichi-san as my Godfather as well as his wife.
Thoughts were interrupted when Mikoto-sama embraced me in her loving arms. Her tears dripped on my shoulder making my heart drop. Now we're both crying. Why do girls get easily cry? I wrapped back my arms around her to return the gesture and to hide my crying face on her neck.
I know their late son and I got a painful past and I am really thankful that they didn't left me alone after everything. I'm thankful that they cared for me and that they didn't stop showing the parental love that I longed.
"I know that Kakashi will love you unconditionally and I know he'll never leave your side but..." With his Sharingan swirling to activate, he warned me. "Tell me if he hurts you, I will hunt him down for life." He said, making the two chuckled. "I am serious."
"I know love." Mikoto-sama calmed him by kissing his cheeks, making him show a hue of scarlet on his cheeks. Oh, I see, Wife-complex. I'm glad that I have the dominancy in our relationship, my pride would never allow Kakashi to dominate me in every aspects - not even in bed.
"As your guardian, Aki." Lord Third interrupted. "As long as you're happy with this decision, I am also happy. Know that the clan is always open for you my child." He said, making me cry again. "Very well, I accept you request. I'll have a talk with Kakashi later when he gets back. A man to man talk." He winked.
"Count me in." Fugaku added.
( - _ - )
With the sound of the violin tuning inside the venue, my heart beamed with happiness. I wasn't aware of Kakashi's preparation for our wedding. He never let me participated and just told me that he will surprise me with his preparation. It was every woman's dream to be wed in fantasy and what Kakashi did was beautiful, aesthetic and magnificent.
Where did he get these ideas? For Pete's sake everything was beautiful. There was a lot of carnations, calla lilies that he knew I have taken a liking recently and white roses. Every corner of the venue was filled with flowers I liked. He probably teamed up with Inoichi-san regarding to this. It was perfect.
"Aki." Thoughts interrupted when Sasuke approached me. Kakashi was busy talking with the Lady Hokage and the other guest, leaving me alone to reminisce how beautiful his preparation was. "Congratulations on your wedding." He congratulated with a small smile on the side of his lips. "I never thought of Kakashi-sensei to be this romantic, really." He stoically confessed, making me laugh hard.
"Really, I thought that too." I told him. "But Kakashi was always full of surprises. Even you must admit that." I tried defending my husband. "Are you happy that I am married to him?" I asked him with a small smile.
"Of course, I have no reasons not to be, Aki." He answered with no hesitation. "I am sure he's also grateful and contented with you being finally happy. That's all we wished for you. Your happiness."
"Heh, is our little Sasuke here matured?" I teased only to earn an eyeroll from him, I laughed again. "But thankyou for reminding me. Kakashi is a good man, he's making me happy, made me want to stand with him for God knows how long."
"Time makes things change." He said. "But I doubt true love does, if it is, then it wasn't true love then?" He took a sip on his champagne, hiding his smirk. "You'll be very busy after this day, weren't you?" He asked.
I sighed, "I tried to forget that I'll be the Hokage's wife but you make me remember."
"You are now the wife of the 6th." He teased. "God I hope you'll not be accustomed to his late shenanigans, I would gag. That would be troublesome for us, under your command."
Sasuke joined my unit as per the Hokage's orders. While Naruto joined Kakashi since he's an aspiring Hokage, he's undergoing Hokage training with Kakashi and Lady Tsunade.
"Hatake-Shimitzuya Aki." Sasuke uttered my name with happiness. "Congratulations again and be happy."
::
I wonder why and when did I thought of the tides of my destiny will change course. I just know that one day it will change again. Destiny and life was harsh on me. They never give an easy life. Even after a moment of happiness, later comes the tides of pain and grief. Challenging my well-being whether I could still stand. Making me suffer once again.
Tsunade looked wounded while Kakashi enveloped himself in silence.
"You are unable to conceive a child, Aki."
I felt being robbed of hope once again. Worst feeling ever. I have tried to ignore this growing realization as best as I could - I just can't. I don't know what to even do in the times like this. Should I throw my arms around Kakashi because I feel that he was the one who needed comfort rather than me. Blame myself for being an infertile, but why would I spend my time for that? blaming wouldn't do any help.
Kakashi has always told me that he wanted a child. He wanted a family because it was always in his dreams. To become a father of his own.
My legs had gone numb. Unable to walk nearer to him. To make him enveloped inside my warmth. To protect him from the pain once again. I feel like I failed being his wife. In an instant, something drained my energy. So I said nothing even though a thousands of words were running through my head. I uttered nothing and just looked nowhere.
"It's okay Aki. We're okay. I am here. I won't leave you. We'll get through in this."
But I wonder, when will Kakashi snap?