My mind is completely blank. It's like it's been erased the moment my sister broken the news. I can still hear her words echoing in my thoughts when I finally connect my eyes with his. He is not noticeable very easily under his mask but his curls are so familiar to me that I could spot him anywhere. Astonishingly he is even more stunning as he was when we last saw each other. Our bodies collied hard against each other when I throw myself in his arms in the need for his comfort. Tight swing his arms around my body while his lips find my scalp frequently to place there small kisses. There wouldn't be a different person that I wanted to pick me up from Heathrow airport. I am glad he could make it and would drive me up to my sisters apartment. "Hey" he smiles down at me carefully. "Hi" I I whisper back emotionally drained. Since yesterday I haven't slept or laughed, neither did I smile. The pure anger and anxiety dominated my body. The way Daniel grabbed my hand in concern and the look in his eyes I will never forget. He had been amazing and even drove me to the airport and haven't left my side for the whole time. But he couldn't lighten up my mood the way Lando can. And just that is the case as he takes my hand in his and slowly pulls me with him towards the exit. He took the handle of my luggage in the other hand and so we go our way towards his car in silence. There are just no words that could make it better or take my fear. The whole ride he doesn't let go of my hand which is the only thing that's calms me a little. In the background the radio dimbles around while the familiar szenery flies by. His presence influences my bahavior drastically like he is my medicine. I can breath better and also a little nap is possible. But when we roll into the garage of my sister apartment complex my heart starts beating faster and faster again. After turning off the engine he gives me his full attention. "Your sister will be alright okay?" my head spins around like crazy. There is no way to handle all these feelings. I just realized I again underestimated how much I actually love this men but at the same time the fear for the life of my sister makes me so scared."Are you coming up with me? " I whisper. "You sure?" I nod and he now also nervous squeezes my hand. "Sure" we get out of the car and my feet find their way like in trance to the elevator that will bring us up to her floor. It's a way I walked so often in the last year it seems natural, but I actually never went this path with another person. It encourages me to have him with me. I am scared to see her and face the reality so it's good to have another person with me I can hold onto. Since yesterday I try to process it all, but I think it will take a long time. When we step out the elevator he falls a little behind, giving me the space I need but without letting me go alone into the situation. My key to her apartment turns in the lock and I swing the door wide open to find I different scene in front of me then I expected. Lots of stuff that had been here just a few months ago had disappeared. The air is fresh and cold. Normally it would be very warm and cuddly inside the apartment but nothing is normal anymore. "Liv?" I shout out before entering with Lando right behind me. There are noises behind the bedroom door that catch our attention and just moments later the figure of my sister appears in it. "Anna" she gasps out in surprise. "I told you I would come as soon as possible." "And I told you, you don't need to" she whispers and puts a string of hair behind her ear. Shocked by her looks I rush over without anymore arguing and close her into my arms. She lost weight already and her skin got this grey unhealthy shimmer that scares the shit our of me. The familiar tiredness we both noticed from our mother got now also on the upper hand of my sister's body as she fights this sickness. Her hands grab tight into my shirt and I feel her angst. She is scared for her life and so am I.
7 days later, Sunday the 26th of September
Butterflies fill my belly as I rush with my IPad and a huge bag of stuff in the hospitalroom. Liv needed to come in today for all the preparations. An operation should give back my sister her life, that was at least what the doctors told us. Even if it was unusual for this type of cancer, Liv decided to go ahead with this procedure. The most of the cancercells should be removed in this bug surgery, which would lead hopefully to less chemotherapy and a faster recovery. Of course I wouldn't leave her side for the whole time. Even with these covid restrictions I will be her rock in that wild sea.
Today is Sunday the day before the surgery and also Raceday. A smirk wanders over my face, when I remember the proudness in my chest I felt yesterday. The way I squeezed the hand of Liv in excitement. She needed to remind me not to hurt her when I couldn't believe the outcome of the Qualifying. And just five minutes later I started jumping up and down cheering out in pure happiness, dancing through her living room, while she followed my moves with a peaceful smile on her face. Something I didn't see much in the last week. The pain and anxiety had been heavy on her not on top the breakup from her boyfriend, who chose not to support but to leave and this time its forever. If he would turn up on the doorstop right now I would pray that somebody would act fast enough to get the hold of me. Otherwise I probably would beat the shit out of him. How dare he leaving her sick and making her facing it alone. She doesn't deserve so much better than this prick. Some kind and loving just like Lando. I am sure she will find someone in the future because she will beat this shit. She needs to.
When I looked over to her in that happy moment, that I will cherish forever, tears started rolling down my cheeks. It was huge bundle of emotions to handle as we watch Lando climbing out of that orange beauty. I could at least be happy for this glimpse of moment where all the shit of the world is shielded away from my heart. I could breath deeply and freely as he ran over to his team and jumped in their arms. I wished to be there in that moment so badly, celebrating as we planned but nobody could move me away from my sister, not even Lando. His first Pole and I couldn't be more proud.
But right now my nerves are still shaking. Last night I couldn't sleep very well, I was too nervous for today's race. When the alarm went off and we needed to get ready for the hospital, I was still wide awake.
The blue bag drops down on the chair close to the bed while the iPad lands on my sister lap. "Ouch" she complains as it kinda hitted her knee. "Sorry" I apologize while climbing in the bed next to her. She is so pale and the medications make her sick regularly. But my sister is fighting and with tomorrows surgery she will be on her way uphill again. It's still some time until my friends should get ready for the race. They all been truly amazing. Never in my life have I experienced such caring and thoughtful group of friends. Not only did at least one of the Schumachers daily on us but regularly messages would pop up on my screen even from people I wouldn't expected. Seb and his wife been a truly blessing while Lando FaceTimed a lot over the last week. It was great seeing him bond with my sister. And even this morning when I was under the shower they just talked and talked without me. I couldn't be more blessed with them. "Do you want to watch a movie?" Livs voice is soft. She is tired since this morning had been extremely rough. The drive to the hospital was so exhausting for her that her body refused more movement and she needed to throw up multiple times. The nurses gave her an infusion so she still received all the vitamins and minerals so her body could fight the cancer. "Don't you want to sleep a little?" I whisper and look over to her exhausted face. She shakes is energetic. "It's getting worse then. Could we maybe FaceTime your friends?" she smiles and just when they have been mentioned. It's no brainer and I choose Daniel since he is already the head of the party. I would love if some of his spirit would rub off on us. He immediately picks up the phone call and his beautiful curly head appears on my screen. My sister's head lays heavy on my shoulder but even with the strong medication she manages to smile. "Mister Avocado" I smile happy to see him. Somewhere close the Australian I hear loud laughter and Daniels face clearly shows dislike of the nickname. "Hello to you as well Miss Shorty" he shows me his tongue and I grin in response. "Is that Anna?" this thick accent is so unique I immediately recognize Pierre and just seconds later his head pops on my screen. "Hey there" he waves smiley and we both wave back. Daniel turns the camera back to him but other heads start to squeeze in the picture. "Look they're all here" After Pierre now also Charles and Carlos wave to us. Max lays his chin on Daniel's shoulder to smile at us. "How are you guys?" he asks while Daniel covers his ear with the free hand. I grin, Max has just naturally a very loud voice. I turn a little my camera so they could see my sister better. "We are fine" she smiles. It's a lie. But because we all know it is, it's fine somehow. Their both head snap to the right listening to somebody there. "Listen the driverparade will start in a moment we need to go.",Daniel explains. "Good luck guys" I smile and throw them kisses. "You just want Lando to win" Max laughs and walks off. There is no denial so I just smirk at his comment. "Pierre" my sister speaks up and Daniel passes the phone to him with a "Quickly" to signal they should really get going. I am surprised by my sister wish to speak to him. He is surely a great friend but not the closest out of this group for me. "Prenez bien soin d'elle, d'accord Pierre ?" Liv says in French and I see on his face a huge confusion. I don't know what she said to him but when he answers with "Je te le promets. Elle est en sécurité avec nous." she seems pleased with his response. My sister nods at him and he nods back at her. I am curious what that all is about but I neither speak French nor do I want to question my sisters action. She chose to say it in a language I don't understand so it's just not meant for my ears. He waves at us before the screen goes black again and we are back in this grey ugly hospital atmosphere.
The next Day
It feels like years sitting there for hours and hours. Because of covid it's just allowed to stay in this room with all of her belongings. It even smells like her a little in here besides this typical hospital scene of the mix from chemicals. My eyes are fixed on the drops of rain running down the window while I sit here and wait for her to return. Over the last days I really started to hate rain. I just wished I could've been there for him yesterday. The devastation was heartbreaking and even Liv understood the whole thing. And this bloody rain is still going falling down the sky. Normally it would just be a phenomenon that causes cozy moments but it has a dangerous side to it. It didn't bring much luck lately to the persons close to me. I just pray today it will be different. This sickness in my stomach of not knowing if she is alright let's the anxiety rise up in my chest. My aching body welcomes my decision to get up from chair I am sitting in for hours staring outside. In the far I can spot the Big Ben behind dark clouds and tons of rain. This typical symbol of my hometown brings back good memories of myself, Liv and our mum when we first arrived here. It's been the second day after leaving the Netherlands when she showed us around Central London. The Buckingham Palace, the beautiful St James Park and to end the day we had candied Almonds by the Big Ben looking from the London Bridge over the Themse. I knew back then some things are about to change. Our mum was always there for us and pushed us to the best humans we could be. No challenge was big enough. But even my mum, the strongest woman, lost one fight and one fight only. It's been the only one that I prayed she would win. All others didn't even matter half as much. My sister inharited her eyes and the good in them. They always told me I look exactly like our dad. But I always wanted to be this woman who brought us up and worked so incredibly hard so she could provide us with the most she could afford. That's why I was always jealous of Livs eyes and often when she looks at me I could see a glimpse of our mum. When she passed she left us enough so we could start a life independently even if we were so young, me in particular. It feels like yesterday when my sister sang in an empty church in the middle of Essex in this tiny village. The voice of an angel filled the church with so much pain. I still can feel the pain of my hands holding on to the wooden banks while listening. But whatever physical pain I felt was nothing in comparison what my pain was in my heart. Our mother was gone. We don't have nobody but us anymore.
No heaven couldn't wait for you, oh
Heaven couldn't wait for you
So go on, go home
Liv sank down to her knees burying her face in the hands. The tears haven't dried in days and they probably would never. The last time I laughed or even smiled seemed so sinfull so unnecessary. I stepped out of the shadow and the sounds on this old floor echo in the house of God when I make my way over to my sister. She broke down after finishing her goodbye song for our mother. It's a tradition that had been going on for centuries in our family as our mother taught us. Every wife or husband would sing for their partner when they leave before them and as the oldest daughter it was Livs duty to sing for our mother since she sang for our father. When I see her sobbing on the floor I realize that I would sing for her at one point if she wouldn't get married or have kids. It's a memory so present and painful in my mind, a tear runs down my face. I am not ready to sing for her yet. She is too young to leave, so much more is ahead of her. Liv will come out of this operation with the news they could remove it all and she would recover fully from this evil. A knock on the door let's my head spin around. The doctor steps in with his white coat on by his side a nurse who looks so young. She is not older then 19 and probably just finished nursing school. My attention should lay on the doctor with her short brown hair and these hideous glasses, but this nurses behavior tells me everything I need to know. She can't even look me in my eyes. It's like a mist of grey and sadness that sets over me. My heart feels so heavy and puts so much pressure on my body that it's nearly impossible to breath. With everytime my chest rises it burns like hell, but this is nothing compared to the rest of my body which is in flames. I tumble back as I could escape reality but there is just the window behind me from where I can see the places I associate with happy memories if I just turn around. They seem to be so far away. My head shakes in disbelief while I try to get a hold on anything close to me. I feel like collapsing under this pain since I see the world spinning around and my knees go weak. "Mrs Winter" the doctor says with a soft voice. I can't even see her through all this water in my eyes. "Unfortunately there has been complications during the surgery. We did what was within our greatest power but we couldn't safe her. I am sorry but your sister is dead." I gasp for air while my knees are finally not able anymore to carry my body. Leaned against the window I sink down to the floor. It should have been me. It's not fair to her. My shaking hands wander up to my neck and grab the rose on the end of my necklace. In the far I hear the clock of the Big Bin chiming. I am alone now.
****
I
t's been a while since I updated. And honestly this chapter was tough to write. Not only because of all these dark turns and emotions but also I am loosing the confidence in this story. I feel like I am just putting it out there and it just not gets recognized in the way I would love to. It's really challenging. So maybe I just need to take a little break and find my strength again. Xxx