I woke up from an hour of sleep, slightly disorientated. My mom was sat at the end of my bed, she looked like hell, like hours of crying had not made what she was about to say easier.
"Willa" she begins.
I sit up in the bed.
"Please tell me we can get you support with this... that you feel it can be suppressed with guidance and love. We love you so much my baby, and I can't have you leave me like this" she begs through fresh tears. "I watched this destroy my own mother and I can't live like that Willa... you are my baby.... Please tell me we can fix this"
I move over the covers, and wrap my mom in my arms, she cries into my chest, wetting my night shirt. "Did I do something wrong" she asks.
"Mom ... no" I say rubbing her arm. "And no we can't fix it Mom... I'm Gay im not sick... I am not something that needs to be fixed"
She sits up and then stands, wiping at her eyes. "Willa please, daddy he wants you to go... if it's true he wants you to leave as soon as possible until you see sense"
I frown, my eyebrows knit together "dad wants me gone" I repeat, feeling the pain like a punch to the guts.
"Only until you see sense" she begs.
"Mom I will be gone forever, if you want me gone as long as I identify as gay...Then you will never see me again" I confess, as a single tear rolls down my cheeks and slips between my lips.
"Willa don't say that" my mom begs coming and wrapping me in her embrace. "Please Willa take it back" she begs me and the guilt stirs, knowing I am causing this grief and knowing this won't be the worst of it.
My mom was about to be thrown into a grief that didn't make sense to me, if you love me just love me, who cares who I love as long as I am happy and they care for me? Did you truly bring me into this world to be small? Confined? To live with no happiness, to live in despair hidden like some kind of evil predator. Why must the sex between my partners legs define the way you accept your child, their life and their happiness. I couldn't understand parents of gay kids... what was the fucking problem?! Just love them!
"I better start packing" I say, slipping from my moms arms and taking my backpack and hold-all from the closet. I throw them down on the bed and my mom bursts into loud sobs before running from the room. I wipe my eyes and stiffen my upper lip that wobbled.
My dad appears moments later "what are you doing" he asks me surprised.
I turn as I pack my last few clothing items. "Mom said you wanted me gone if I wouldn't see sense... so I'm getting gone" I return.
He looks at me, maddened by that.
"Where do you think you will go? College? Do you think I'm paying for that now you are behaving this way" he spits.
I turn and look to him, completely thrown and hurt that he would take that from me too "my education is being stripped now" I ask.
He nods "yes if you continue this behaviour and break your moms heart this way" he threatens.
"Okay" I return taking out all of my college Merch that he had bought me most excitedly only a week ago, declaring I would be the best basketball player on that team and he would watch every game he could.
He was proud of me one week ago, now he looked like he despaired of me and all that I was.
I place the hat and the t shirt with the M on onto the bedside cabinet and my father looks to it and then to me as if he wants to say something more but he doesn't... only two words as he leaves my room "just leave" he commands, and he disappears.
I pack all that I can in my backpack, and throw it onto my back. I am wearing as much as I can in the blistering summer heat, so that I don't have to leave much behind. I walk out that day, in blue slim denim jeans, a grey t shirt covered with a basketball jersey and a sweater with my favourite team on. I pull a snap back on and adjust my shades and I leave, nobody stops me, my parents watch me leave from the window and I turn away, not looking back. I didn't know where I would go or what I would do but I knew I only had a choice to leave because I couldn't change the part of me that they hated.
I think I sat at the bus station in town for an hour, before I realised it was a Sunday and it wasn't running as normal. I began then, the hot and humid walk into the city, hopeful that I would make it there without heat stroke, my belly was empty and I hadn't had a drink. I was a wreck with no destination.
As if all the stars had aligned for me that day, Helena drove past me, and realising it was me, she made a U turn, and came back for me, her car gliding up beside me as she slipped the window down "Willa" she called out.
I jumped out of my daze, and looked down into the car "Mrs Anderson" I acknowledged.
"Where on earth are you going" she asks me surprised.
I shake my head "you shouldn't be talking to me... please pretend you didn't see me" I ask.
She looks bemused "what... don't be silly get in this car right now" she demands.
I do, I step in and place my bag on my lap.
She looks me over curiously "what is going on" she asks me worriedly.
I remove my glasses, and she gasps to see the redness of my eyes and the tears that still fall. "Oh darling girl what has happened" she asks reaching out and running her hands over my cheeks to wipe up the tears.
"I shouldn't say" I return. "My parents don't want anyone to know"
Her eyebrows shot up "they know you are leaving for somewhere" she asks me confused.
I nod "They wanted me to go"
"But why" Helena asks looking shocked and a little upset at this revelation. "Everything seemed fine last night at the party" she thought back.
"Last night I told them I am gay... and they said if I don't fix it, that I need to leave"
"Oh my darling" she said tearing up at the thought and pulling me into her arms "I can't believe they would do that to you, they adore you" she says trying to make sense of something that was senseless.
"They did adore me" I return, and I wipe my eyes."past tense ... pre gay"
"But where will you go" she asks me "are you going to college dorms early" she worries.
I shake my head "my dad isn't going to pay for it anymore... I'm not going to college" I confess and it hits me again like a train at full speed.
"What on earth" she says shrilly. "Where do they think you will go" she says looking out of the window in disbelief.
"I don't think they care right now as long as I am not in their house where they have to look at me"
"Willa, I will not have you walking the streets it is not safe for you... Joseph's parents own the pharmacy, it has an apartment above it that is furnished. It is empty now that uncle Jim has moved to the retirement home. Please, I will drop you off there while I speak with your mom about this. I will find you something more permanent, but I am sure you will return home once they realise what they have done letting you leave. Please will you go there with me" she asks, and I nod. I am completely overwhelmed at her generosity and beyond blessed she has spotted me walking, because honestly, if she hadn't, I don't know what fate would have befallen me.
***
"Does Alberta know" Helena asks as she makes me a warm cup of tea and hands me a granola bar.
I take the bar from her outstretched hand "thank you"
I shake my head "no she doesn't know and I would rather you didn't tell her, she has so much to be happy about right now. I don't want her to know and to worry" I return.
"Willa she loves you, she will want to help" she returns placing two mugs of tea on the table I am sat at in the small kitchen. "You are her best friend and between me and you I thought she might know because she spent all morning in a solemn mood"
"She did" I ask.
Helena nods "she is most definitely not the excited bride to be this morning" she added "I will talk to her about it when I get home... I only went further from town after church to pick up a copy of Joseph's new book from the printers, as a surprise for him"
"I'm sorry I interrupted your day" I say feeling guilty for doing so. "When you see Allie will you tell her I love her, and that I just need some time.I know she won't understand, but I can't ruin the lead up to this wedding with all of my explosive news..."
"Don't ever apologise to me Willa... you are like another daughter to me, you must know that... and of course I will tell Alberta that for you. She will understand. I hope you know that I do not care that you are gay"
I want to cry with relief, at the words I never thought I would hear today.
"You don't" I practically whisper.
"No... I don't. I love you just as you are, my darling girl. Willa, your aunty Mary, she is gay, you do know that don't you" she asks me "they did tell you kids about Mary surely" she asks.
I shake my head "not until last night when my dad blamed my mom for my being gay on her family genes... I've never even met Mary" I add remorsefully.
Helena shakes her head "oh Willa, I will call her... she would be thrilled to have you, I know it. Mary was my best friend in high school... oh I loved her Willa, I did, she was so alive and full of life, much more so than any other girl in our year. I must admit... at one point... I was deeply in love with her too..."
I sit forward, completely taken aback "you were" I ask.
She nods and smiles fondly "when we were seventeen, we spent an entire year together... secretly of course, but my goodness it was fun and full of so much joy, passion and mischief. We burnt out like a comet coming into the atmosphere... a year was all we got... we were much too alike for longevity, but I do still love her terribly. We just couldn't stay the course... but from afar ... we still burn brightly... and if I let my thoughts wonder, they often go straight to her, as if she is the most trodden memory path in my mind" and Helena smiles and let's her mind wonder to her then.
I am feeling a little lighter from the revelation, relieved to hear it, a story not so unlike mine and Alberta's although this was a one way path that I only dared tread.
"So are you... Bi then" I ask, feeling quite uncomfortable to ask but intrigued to meet someone like me. In our community it was never discussed, and I felt like an Alien among a sea of heterosexuals.
"I don't know" she muses "I think if I was a young girl now like you, I would most probably label myself as what is it? Peter Pan sexual" she says with a laugh.
For the first time in twenty four hours I let out a loud unapologetic laugh, that makes Helena smile wickedly.
"Pansexual" I reply.
She nods "yes that one. I am not sure gender makes any difference to the attractiveness of a person for me, it really is the last thing I would think about. I am much more concerned with a persons soul" she muses, with her lips turned up at the edges, letting it rest there.
I loved Helena, she was such a paradox, devoted to her church, seemingly from the outside, conservative, but underneath a wonderful delight to find her liberal, and a hungry zest for life that involved what ever it was she desired and enjoyed. There was no guilt or feeling of smallness to her. Helena had not made herself smaller for her husband, or her family, she beat to her own drum. Joseph didn't dim her light, he fanned her flames, and that's what I wanted... a partner to grow with, who made you better, and appreciated your individuality and uniqueness.
"Thank you" I say quietly.
She places her hand on mine, her icy blue eyes, the same as Allies, looking back at me affectionately "I got you darling girl... we will sort this out okay... I promise."
***
"Where is your mother" My dad asks, searching out the front window for her. I look passed him to the hot and humid day outside. I am a little lost in my own mind to even acknowledge the fanfair surrounding the engagement, and all the cards that arrive from our congregation or neighbours. Ben arrived an hour ago and doesn't seem himself, he looks worried.
"What is wrong" I ask him as I gaze upon him in the armchair beside me.
He wrings his hands out, and looks upset "nothing" he muses, taking my hand and running his thumb over the back of it.
I nibble my bottom lip. I'm anxious, I hadn't heard from Willa all night, she wouldn't answer my phone calls, nobody did, and the entire Jameson family missed church, which was extremely unlike them, even Charlotte was absent.
"Ben why weren't the family in church this morning" I ask.
He glides his palm across his face, like he is trying to wipe the stress from his features. "Ben is this about the engagement? Aren't they happy" I push, because I am at a loss right now for why the Jamesons were all, collectively, body snatched, within hours of our party.
"Oh they are thrilled for us Allie... no it's not that" he adds "My parents want us to marry by the end of this month, before college, that way we can move into newlywed quarters together...I think it's a good plan" he says, looking at me for my reaction.
"Okay" I muse quietly.
Did it matter when it happened, whether it was two weeks away, or two years, either way it was happening. Perhaps it would quicken Willa's acknowledgment of me again, because my god, my heart had begun to hurt at the constant vision of her face at the party, when she saw Ben had proposed. The thought of hurting Willa, it felt like my heart was smashed each and every vision had, a sledgehammer thrown against it with force. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to hurt her. I could have gone my entire life and never brought a frown upon her brow, but I had done that, and more, in one night.
"So if it's not the engagement, what is going on" I ask.
He looks at me worriedly "Allie, I want to tell you I do, but it's not my place. My parents swore me to secrecy... for now... there is a situation they are trying to resolve. I don't want to mention it, because for all I know, it's all okay now. I don't want to change your opinion of her... based off of a mistake"
"Who" i ask stunned "Ben is this about Willa" I ask, starting to feel my breathing quicken.
"Is she okay" I ask desperately grabbing his hands and pulling them into mine.
He avoids my gaze " she will be fine" he returns.
"Ben, tell me what happened" I beg.
He shakes his head "no Allie" and he stands "I better go back home, they need my help today.Allie if she comes here... if Willa comes here, please call me" he begs.
I frown "okay" I return "but Ben... is she not at home" I ask, but he ignores the question, and leaves out the front door.
Willa.... What is happening.
***
The knock at the Jamesons comes an hour later, and Ben answers to find Helena at the door.
"Hi Ben... could I speak with your mom and dad please" she asks.
He smiles, but it is pained, as he lets her in "it's not the best time" he confesses.
"I know about Willa" she returns, and he looks stunned.
"How do you know" Brian says entering the hallway.
Helena nods in acknowledgment of him "Brian... Kate" she greets, as they both stand beside each other. "I've seen Willa" she reveals.
Kate begins to sob again "where is she" she begs.
"She shouldn't have told you, this is a family issue. I don't want the whole ward knowing about it" Brian says defensively. "My family are all reeling from this decision of Willa's, we are heartbroken Helena, and it would only make it worse if we got judged by our neighbours too"
"I'm not going to tell anyone" Helena offers "I am sworn to secrecy by Willa, she also doesn't want anyone to know... not even my daughter Alberta, and that is something I hate to do, but I respect her wishes.I love Willa like another daughter... you know that" she adds, and my dad ushers her into the family room where they all take a seat.
"Helena where is she" Kate asks.
Helena holds up her hand "she's safe enough Kate.I found her walking into the city" she informs them.
Both Brian and Kate put their head in their hands "it's not safe" Brian admits.
"Brian, where did you think she would go" Helena asks, as if his worry for her safety was bizarre, since he had asked her to leave, an eighteen year old, fresh out of high school with no money and no support.
"We thought she would just come back once she cooled down and realised that family comes first... my child isn't gay" Brian states rubbing his red cheeks under his hands anxiously. "We aren't bad people Helena I hope you know that. I just wanted her to see what she had done"
"Brian... Kate... I have to say I am a little thrown by your reaction. I understand it's a shock, but she is your baby. Only yesterday you hung up all those pictures of her through her childhood, at the party, and you both gushed over that girl, how she completed your family, how intelligent and beautiful she was and such a good daughter... and now within hours she is out walking the streets like a kid with parents who don't care, and never did...I'm lost" she admits. "And she is gay Brian... Willa is gay... do you think she would risk her entire family, to declare something she wasn't sure about... that girl knows her own mind and she has known for a while. All she asks, is that you listen, and let her be her... please tell me I can go to her and let her know you will offer her that... please" Helena begs.
Kate nods "I'm sure with a little time we will Helena, but this is all so fresh... and I do love my daughter... my baby" she starts, but tears come fast " I just need a moment, to process this. Helena my child's life as I thought I knew it just ended... I won't get the wedding or the grandchildren I dreamt of. I won't get to have her here in my life... and she won't be there .... She won't be there with us all in our eternal family... my child is spiritually dead to me Helena... and I can't comprehend that loss right now. I want nothing more than her in my arms, but I don't know what I can do to save her soul"
"She doesn't need saving Kate... she needs loving... she needs her mom as much as you need her"
Brian stands from his chair "Helena we love you and your family, and you must know how happy we are to have Ben marry your Alberta, in only a few short weeks, but you have said enough on Willa... this is our child and we will react to her how we see fit. Thank you for keeping her safe and I know she will be home. I give her until Wednesday, and I know she will be at the door ready to work on this with us... and I know the bishop can guide her"
Helena shakes her head, she knows Willa will not be coming home, not if the terms are to suffocate her soul, and she would never ask her or expect her too. It was time to call Mary.
"I will see myself out" Helena says standing.
Kate joins her, walking to the door "please Helena where is she, where will she go... I can't think of her on the streets... not my baby" she asks desperately.
"The streets are exactly where you sent her Kate, whether you want to accept that or not... I am going to call Mary" she reveals.
Kates eyes widen "my sister" she asks.
Helena nods "she will take her Kate, I know she will"
Kate holds her hand over her mouth as sobs catch her off guard again. "Thank you" she offers "thank you for making sure she is safe... Mary is in Oregon. I know she would have her...please tell me when she's there. I want to know she is safe"
"Maybe it's time you and Mary spoke again" she prods "if she is about to take your daughter to care for her, I think she is perhaps owed a phone call, and an olive branch from exile... don't you" she asks.
Kate nods "In time... I will" she returns, and Helena wants to roll her eyes.
"Goodbye Kate... I'm sure I will hear from you in regards to this wedding... obviously it's of great importance we support our children...don't be a stranger now" she adds, a little sarcastically, and she leaves.