I arrived home hours before the party would finish. I ripped my dress from my body and threw it in the trash. It was as if anything from this night had infected me, like it was dirtied by the declaration, the event, the nightmare I couldn't unsee.
I stood under the shower and turned it on, letting the water spurt out aggressively as it consumed me. Tears fell, but washed away with the water against my face, every piece of my pain that my eyes released disappeared down the plug hole. A sob that came from my core, echoed through the tiled bathroom, a sound that came up from my soul, a loss so great my body wailed, my bones ached and my stomach muscles threatened to tear.
When I would finally appear an hour later, I would be empty, nothing would be left as I was replaced by a numbing that took over my entire being. So numb, that I knew tonight would be the night I would confess I was gay, and announce myself, my true self, after all I had nothing else to lose? Surely?
I would soon learn, that I would lose, just about everything.
I hear my dads voice boom into the foyer down below "Willa Jameson if you are here get your butt down these stairs now"
I jump at the sudden boom of his voice, he wasn't happy. I had to wonder how long it had even taken them to notice I wasn't at my own party.
I slowly walk down the stairs, having to drag myself to my fathers feet as he stands, hands on hips, the phone pressed to his ear "she's here Kate, call the search off" he says, with an agitated frown and red puffy cheeks, as he places the phone in his shirt pocket.
"Willa, what are you playing at, leaving the party like that" he says agitatedly.
"Dad, when exactly did you notice I left? When did anyone even care that I vanished? Within the hour?" I ask.
He shakes his head, annoyed at me, angry even.
"We noticed as we got ready for family photos half an hour ago, and guess what, our daughter who we were throwing a party for, wasn't even there" he spat angrily "Willa" he curses "for goodness sake that looked awful that you up and vanished. We thought something had happened to you. Poor Lehi just got grilled by Bram, and Byron blamed your mother for not keeping an eye on you. The family were scared. The birthday girl just missing" he says wiping his sweaty brow with his handkerchief, before pushing it back into his pocket. "What with Ben and Allie up and leaving after the proposal, honestly what is wrong with my kids" he spat.
They hadn't even noticed I was missing. My pain began to pour out of me then, and I would anger my father further by talking through pain and resentment, without a sense of a filter. I would speak to him like I had never done before.
"Dad, I left that party two hours ago... my so called birthday party that not one person noticed I was missing from. Is that because my birthday party was actually an engagement party masquerading as a birthday. None of you care about me... it's all about Ben and his fucking wedding"
My dad slaps me, a short and sharp shock as my mom enters the front door, with Byron, Bram and Charlotte.
Their faces say it all. "Dad" Byron chastises "how could you" he says, pushing him aside and pulling me into his large arms.
I caress my cheek with my spare hand, it stings.
"She is hysterical that's why, none of my children have ever cursed in front of me, and they will not start now. Willa do you hear me" he shouts.
My mom grabs his hands that he's waving about and tries to placate him "Brian stop... just calm down, what is wrong with you" she begs.
Charlotte runs her hand down the back of my hair, in the most sweet gesture that she perhaps has ever, and will ever, do again "He didn't mean it Willa"
I push myself out of Byron's arms and they all look at me, wild eyes, my eyes red from all of the crying I had done previously. Brigham comes in last, and his smile dissipates as he looks at the concerned faces around the room.
"What on earth did I miss" he asks.
Byron turns to him "our father slapping our baby sister across the cheek" he returns.
Brigham looks horrified "dad that is not okay" he chastised and he walks over and places his hand on my shoulder "are you okay" he asks concerned.
I gulp and fall down onto the lowest step, no energy left in my body.
"I'm sorry" my dad begged, lowering himself in-front of me and holding my arms "Willa my darling I'm so sorry. I swore I would not be like my own father, and I have just done something he would do. I never want to hurt any of my children, and I hadn't, Not until that moment. Oh my darling will you ever forgive me" he apologised, as a tear rolls down his cheek.
I look up, meeting his sorrowful eyes, and nod "dad I need to tell you something" I reveal.
I stand up as he does, following my lead. "What is it" my Mom asks.
"Did somebody hurt you" Byron asks, looking like he was ready to Kill someone.
"Tell us Wills" Bram asks from beside my mom.
"Willa spit it out" Charlotte says.
"Charlotte give her some grace" Byron chastises.
I look to my brothers, Brigham is quiet, but he holds my moms shoulders from behind her as if he is anticipating something awful.
Ben is the only sibling missing, but I gathered he would find out by night fall, what I was about to announce.
"Mom... dad" I say looking to them both.
They nod, and look pained, by the wait between breaths.
"I'm Gay" I confess.
The room falls silent, each sibling mulls that over as my dad looks as if he may pass out.
My mom shakes her head as if she is saying "no... no you're not"
"Good joke Willa" Bram guffaws, smiling nervously.
I shake my head "Bram, I am"
Charlotte steps forward "Willa grow up... this isn't funny... we aren't a gay family... check the ancestry...not a gay gene between us. You need to quit the cable tv and grow up. Take a leaf from Alberta's book and go find yourself a nice missionary boy from church. We all know Lehi is besotted with you. Don't you dare mention this again, not to anyone else" she says agitatedly.
My face drops, as my mom leaves the room entirely.
"Willa" Byron says, squeezing my shoulder "little sister you aren't gay... let's take you down to talk to your bishop in the morning. I'm sure we can support you to understand what it is you are feeling" he says with a small smile.
"Oh Willa" Brigham sighs, taking a deep breath "I know dad upset you tonight, and it's not right that he slapped you, but this isn't a thing to throw around to get back at him... it's not right"
I shake my head repeatedly, my words lost for a moment, as I look to the disappointed faces.
"Dad" I say, as he stares at the floor almost in disbelief.
"Don't talk to me Willa" he shouts "don't you talk to me..." he bellows, and we are all taken aback at his anger, he wasn't usually an angry man.
"Kate..." he calls out.
My mom returns to the hall, with tears stinging her eyes "What" she asks him.
He turns and points at her angrily "this is all your fault" he spits.
Brigham stands between them "dad that's enough, this isn't moms fault" he says pointing back at him.
My mom begins to sob.
"It's from her side... her sister Mary did this didn't she" he shouts, and my moms sobs get louder.
"Aunt Mary is gay" Charlotte asks in disbelief. "Why did nobody tell me this" she asks.
My dad shakes his head "it's not something we wanted anyone to know, incase the evil thoughts got in your heads. I don't want my kids thinking anything so awful"
"Dad" Brigham says disapprovingly, realising at this point that I was serious and my mom was distraught. "That's enough" he adds "let's all cool down and talk about this after a good night sleep"
I swallow and back up the staircase a little.
"Don't you move" my dad says looking at me with such disappointment, almost like he hated me, a look I didn't think could ever be unseen.
"Willa, I will give you one more chance... is this serious, or are you messing with me" he asks.
I look down at the faces below, all wishing beyond anything I was just having him on.
"I am gay. I've known for a few years now... but I didn't want to tell you all, not until I was an adult... because I didn't want endless visits to the bishop or to be sent away. I'm guessing from this wonderfully supportive reaction that I would have been sent to conversion therapy at the first instance, or sent away like I'm guessing Mary was... is that what's going to happen now?" I ask.
I'm not holding back, because I'm so fucking angry and disappointed. My father had just undone every good thing he had done for me in my life in two minutes, suddenly he hated me... because I liked girls... a fact I could not change if I tried.
"Get out of my sight" my dad shouts.
I turn and run up the stairs, slamming my door before falling down onto my knees, sobs catching in my throat.
Today I would not just lose Allie to Ben, but my entire family would begin the process of removing me from sight as if I would trigger a chain reaction of gay in our family, a domino effect. I don't know looking back how I survived this night. I've never known such heartache and despair... or realised what a soul can withstand at the worst ebb.