"Why do you look so sad?"
Irita kong tiningnan si Hiro. "I'm not sad."
He leaned over the counter while I was trying to work, wearing his playful smile. "She hasn't contacted you yet?" panghuhula niya.
"I am giving her space," I corrected. "I haven't contacted her either."
That incident must have been so hard for her. I would understand if she wanted to avoid me or not be near me again. I could not contact her, feeling guilty about what happened that day. I felt like part of it was my fault for even... knowing that guy, if he was really the reason.
"What if she's just waiting for you to contact her?" Hiro insisted. Napailing kaagad ako. I didn't want to be pushy. It might be bad for her.
"If you have so much time to be here, you might as well buy our whole menu to help the business," pag-iba ko ng topic para tumigil na siya.
"I don't think you still need help with your business. The coffee shop is packed." He looked around the place. Puno ang mga tables. Pinagtitinginan pa siya noong iba.
"It's because you're a tourist attraction here, bro." Tinapik ko ang balikat niya. "Diyan ka lang para dumami ang customers namin."
Napailing na lang siya sa akin at sumandal sa may counter para humarap doon sa may pintuan. Napatingin din tuloy ako roon habang nagko-compute ng sales namin. Haze and Acel went inside, looking for us. We agreed to meet here today just to catch up. Ngayon lang magkikita ulit si Hiro at Acel.
"Hey, how are you?!" excited na tanong ni Acel pagkatapos nilang magyakap ni Hiro.
"Do you have an iced honey lemonade drink? It's for Acel." Nilapag kaagad ni Haze ang card niya sa may counter. He didn't even greet his brother. Wala silang pakialam sa isa't isa. "Don't make it too sweet. He likes it kind of sour."
"I can make one," sabi ko sa kaniya. My friends just kept on barging in here, asking for drinks that weren't on the menu. I should still add those. Sa kaka-order nila ng mga wala sa menu, dumadami na ang available drinks namin. I liked expanding them to cater to different people's tastes.
"Oh, aalis ka na rin late December?" rinig kong tanong ni Acel. Nagkekwentuhan na sila roon. "Aren't you going with him?" he asked Haze this time.
"I'll go for a bit. It's Christmas," Haze answered. "What are your plans for Christmas?" he asked me.
I shrugged. I didn't have a family, so I didn't know what to do. "Usual." I would probably just stay in my condo the whole day.
"Do you want to come with us to Florida?" tanong naman ni Hiro sa akin.
"You can spend time with my family," alok din ni Acel.
I laughed and just shook my head, turning my back against them so I can make the drink. "I'll be fine." I was already used to it. Elyse and her mom will probably go to Japan. Hindi ko lang alam kung kasama 'yong isa. They were always out during Christmas.
"Why don't we get a table? We're crowding the space," sabi ni Haze dahil may mga customers na pumupunta sa counter. Nakaharang sila roon. They just sat at the table near me and talked to each other. They were attracting attention just by sitting there.
After making drinks, I went to their table and sat there so I could join the conversation. They were gossiping about someone again.
"Really? They broke up? But I just saw them yesterday at the hotel when I had dinner," nagtatakang sabi ni Hiro.
"I'm telling you, I saw him with another girl the other day, and they were holding hands. My sources said he already broke up with his girlfriend," Haze added.
"Eh? I honestly thought they would last a year," I said. "Why did they break up?"
"I don't think that's our business anymore," singit ni Acel sa amin. "Break o hindi, wala na sa atin 'yon. Stop gossiping about other people..." Sinamaan niya ng tingin si Haze.
"I'm pretty sure people are gossiping about me too," Haze defended in a small voice like he didn't want anyone to hear.
"Pinagchichismisan nila kung gaano ka ka-chismoso," sabi naman ni Hiro.
"Who texted me last night to say that Shan finally found a girl he wanted to be serious with, and he's lonely because they weren't talking anymore?" ganti ni Haze.
I glared at Hiro, feeling betrayed, but he just laughed and tapped my shoulder, telling me that Haze was bound to know. He just advanced it. Acel already knew too. I said I won't disclose the name, so they cannot gather more information about it.
The next day, I went out with Helen and Arman since Hiro was out with his mom for dinner. They mentioned this restaurant they wanted to try. As soon as I entered the restaurant, I immediately stopped because I saw Kierra. Nagkatinginan kami pero agad akong umiwas.
"Let's go to another restaurant," I told my friends. I cannot allow them to see Kierra. They will just bombard her with questions about Yanna. "It's... hot here."
"Why? I told you, I like this restaurant," Helen said. "Huwag nang maarte, Shan! I'm so hungry!"
I couldn't do anything when they pushed me and found a table for us. Umupo na lang ako roon. I cannot even eat properly. I kept on looking at her and the guy he was with. I stopped myself before she could notice my glances. She looked like she was close with that guy.
The next day, she was back at the coffee shop. She looked like she was disappointed to see me there. "Good morning," I greeted. "Iced americano?" I cannot even look at her.
"Yes, at isang latte."
"Bread?" I suggested. She should still eat something.
She looked fine. She looked normal, like she wasn't lonely or anything... but I had been yearning for her ever since that day. When could we talk again? Was she even ready to talk to me?
"Here's your order, Ma'am." After giving her the cup holder, I went inside the staff room to take off my apron. May klase pa ako. I just waited today to see if she was going to show up.
I already changed into my school outfit when I went out of the staff room. I walked faster, fighting the urge to talk to her. When I went out of the café, I looked back at her from the glass door and saw her bumping her head against the table.
I pursed my lips and took out my phone to text her. I cannot resist it anymore.
To: Kierra
Don't hurt your head.
Then, I went inside my car and drove away. When I arrived at school, I ran straight to the room. Late na ako. The prof was already calling names for recitation when I went inside. When she saw me, she called my name and asked me a question about the case assigned to us today. Hindi ko pa nababa ang bag ko at naroon pa rin ako sa pinto nang sumagot ako.
"Do you agree, Mr. Villaflor?" she asked Miguel after I answered. I was still standing near the door.
"No, I disagree with Mr. Lopez. During the interregnum, a person could not invoke any exclusionary right under a Bill of Rights because there was neither a constitution nor a Bill of Rights," sagot ni Miguel.
"Even in the absence of written law, I agree with the separate opinion of Justice Puno that the private respondent can invoke her natural right against unreasonable search and seizure," seryosong sabi ko.
She called my other classmate and asked me to sit down since I was still standing at the door. Miguel looked at me, his lips forming a playful smirk. Tumaas ang isa kong kilay at bahagyang sinipa ang upuan niya para tumingin siya sa harapan. His face was annoying me.
"So grumpy in the morning, Lopez," mahinang sabi niya. "Or... Ledezma?"
I bit my lower lip as my hands formed a fist. I counted in my head and waited for myself to calm down. I looked away without saying anything, ignoring his remarks. I wanted to call him by his other name, which he hated a lot, but it was such a waste of time. Ayaw kong mapalabas ng klase.
I was called again but I answered confidently since I finished reading that case last night. After class, Miguel and his friends followed me to the restroom. I was washing my hands while they were standing near the door, staring at me.
"What? You want to see my dick and compare sizes or something?" I asked, looking at him through the mirror.
"May problema ka ba sa 'kin, p're? Parang ang init ng dugo mo palagi sa 'kin, ah. Do you, perhaps, feel... threatened?" His face tilted a bit to the side. "Since professors always make us argue?"
I couldn't help but laugh at what he said. "You can't even remember the title of the case. Do you think I'd feel threatened by a fool?"
"What?" Nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya. He was easily provoked by what I said. "What's wrong with you, bro? I've been nice to you."
"Do you know Kierra?" I stared at him, waiting for an answer.
His lips parted, and for a moment, he was unable to talk. Then, he let out a loud laugh. He kept on laughing like I said something funny and even held at his friend's shoulders for support while his hand was on his stomach.
"Are you serious? Why are you suddenly asking me about a random girl's name?" His brows furrowed.
I continued staring at him before shaking my head and walking out of the restroom. Binunggo ko pa ang balikat niya noong lumabas ako. I went to the library to have some peace while thinking about his reaction.
Nothing was funny about my question. His reaction was exaggerated, masking his fear of me knowing about them. What was there to fear? I knew he got nervous.
"A random girl's name?" I repeated to myself, letting out a scoff. "So he's denying it, huh..."
I was feeling so angry that I wanted to throw the book over the wall. My curiosity was having the best of me but I didn't want to push.
When I saw her again, she was with that guy. The guy that I told myself that she looked good with. He still looked at her like she was the best thing he had ever seen. She looked so happy that I felt a little jealous.
Natapon pa niya 'yong drink niya. Ayan, kakatitig mo 'yan sa kaniya.
That night, I was thinking if it was really over for her. I was so confused. Was it for the best? Maybe she felt uncomfortable knowing that I had some sort of connection with that fucker.
Understandable. Even I didn't want to be connected to that guy in any way. I couldn't sleep at all. I was thinking about what to do next. Maybe it was really over. I would just stop myself from hoping any more than what we had, kung ano man ang tawag doon.
Why was I thinking about it in the first place? Why was I feeling lonely? I should just give it up before it could get any deeper.
But she showed herself in front of me again. "Why are you doing this?" I was already having a hard time sorting out what I was feeling.
It was the first time I wasn't in control of my feelings and I hated not being in control of myself. I had to visit my doctor again. "I just don't think we're ready," I told her.
"If you think you are not ready, then do not rush it, Shan..." my doctor said. "It is important to carefully evaluate what you are feeling right now. It is the first time you are uncertain about what to call the emotion you are feeling. It needs more thinking... Do not rush it."
"It's probably not love," I told her. "Or whatever people call that crazy feeling."
"It is not a crazy feeling, Shan. Maybe you are just unfamiliar with that kind of emotion, but you are still capable of loving and being loved. However, only you can give answers to yourself. What you can do is start from the basics. Take it slow... Rushing things always end up badly."
She asked me to create a list I wanted to explore. A list of the things I wanted to know, and I was also willing to share. It was important to give and take... and I really enjoyed knowing a lot of new stuff.
"Why are you here again? What the fuck." I almost fainted when I went out of my study room and saw Hiro in the kitchen, drinking a glass of water.
"I'm bored," sabi niya sa akin. "By the way... Do you have something going on with Helen?"
Kung umiinom lang ako, nasamid na ako. "What the fuck are you saying? No!" At least not anymore. It was a long time ago. He was talking about the present.
"Nothing. You've been with her a lot lately," pansin niya.
"We're just friends," sabi ko naman at umupo sa may stool. "I don't want to talk about it anymore, man. I don't want to talk about women or dating or love or friends. I'm so fucking stressed."
"Bro, don't think about it too much. How about let's go out and drink?"
***
"Inom na naman? No. Ayaw ko nga."
Tapos na ang exams kaya naman panahon na naman ni Luna para mag-aya uminom. Busy ako, nag-aasikaso ng mga damit na pwede kong i-donate dahil may charity work si Samantha na ginagawa.
"Ke, pinto!" sigaw ni Luna mula sa kwarto niya nang marinig ang doorbell. Pinapunta ko rito si Ciandrei dahil ang sabi niya may dadalhin din siyang mga bagay na pwedeng i-donate. May dala siyang box nang buksan ko ang pinto.
"Thank you! Doon mo na lang ilagay." Pinapasok ko siya para malapag niya ang box sa may living room. Sakto namang lumabas si Luna at napakunot na naman ang noo nang makita kung sino ang narito.
"Nandito ka na naman?" Sinamaan siya ng tingin ni Luna.
"Hi, Luna. You look stressed," bati ni Ciandrei at ngumisi pa. "Boy problem?"
"Eh, si Kierra! Ayaw ako samahang uminom! Dito lang naman sa condo! Chillnuman lang." Humiga si Luna sa couch at doon nagdabog. "Beer lang. What if mag-inom tayo, Sundae?" May bago na naman siyang nickname.
"Go. I'll buy the drinks. What do you want?" Mukhang na-challenge si Ciandrei. Napasapo ako sa noo ko at nag-asikaso na lang ng mga boxes.
Umalis nga si Ciandrei para bumili ng mga alak. Ngiting-tagumpay naman si Luna dahil makakainom na siya at nakahanap na siya ng kasama. Dapat lang na magkasundo silang dalawa para naman hindi ako mahirapan at marindi tuwing narito sila.
Nilapag ni Ciandrei ang mga alak sa coffee table pagkabalik. Wala nang intro. Binuksan niya na kaagad ang mga beer at inabutan kami ng bote. Beer lang naman kaya kinuha ko 'yon habang nag-aayos ng gamit. Silang dalawa ay nakaupo sa may sahig, magkatapat na parang naghahamunan ng inuman.
Nag-shower na ako pagkatapos mag-ayos dahil pawis na ako. Nagsuot na lang ako ng shorts at tank top nang lumabas ako ng kwarto. "Ano na 'yang iniinom n'yo?" tanong ko nang maupo sa tabi ni Ciandrei. Hawak ko pa ang hair tie para itali ang buhok ko pero kinuha niya sa akin 'yon at siya na ang nagtali.
"Tequila," sagot ni Luna. "Oy, saan mo na nga dinala 'yong shirt?" tanong niya kay Ciandrei.
"I told you I'd give it back," Ciandrei answered and even scratched his head a bit like it was the 5th time Luna asked him about it. "Na kay Kalix na nga."
"Gago ka?" Napaayos ng upo si Luna. "Seryoso ka ba? Huwag kang prankster, p're!"
"Seryoso nga," Ciandrei insisted. "He's friends with my best friend and we had a chance to see each other so I gave it back."
"Ulol-"
"I told him it was from you, don't worry."
"Pinalala mo pa! Hayop!"
Mali ako. Hindi pa rin sila nagkakasundo. Ang ingay noong dalawa. Napainom na lang din tuloy ako. Habang tumatagal, mas nagiging malala lang si Luna. Namumula na siya at kumakanta habang nakadapa sa sahig. Nagkatinginan lang kami ni Ciandrei at sabay namin siyang binuhat para ilipat ulit sa couch. Siya sa paa at ako naman sa kamay.
"Luna, mahal ka pa raw ni Kalix," sabi ni Ciandrei sa pinsan kong lasing, nang-aasar.
"'Na mo! Anong mahal-mahal?! Mura na lang ang alam ko! Fuck you all!" Tinaas ni Luna ang middle finger niya sa ere habang nakapikit at namumula ang mukha.
"Weak ka pala kainuman, Luna. I don't want to drink with you anymore." Napailing si Ciandrei, disappointed.
"No, malakas ka lang uminom," pagtatanggol ko naman sa pinsan ko. "Ako rin naman, medyo nahihilo na kahit hindi ako masyadong uminom."
Tumayo ako at kumuha ng baso ng tubig para mawala ang alak sa sistema ko. Inabot ko rin iyong baso sa kaniya para makainom siya. "Ciandrei, tubig," sabi ko.
"Why do you always call me by my full name? It sounds weird and tiring," he pointed out.
"Shan, tubig," pag-iba ko at inabot ang baso.
Napatitig siya sa akin saglit at mukhang nagulat. Hindi yata siya nakapag-function for a few seconds pero kinuha rin ang baso at uminom, tinatago ang ngiti.
"Where are you going for Christmas?" tanong niya na sa akin.
Sumandal ako sa may ref patagilid para makaharap sa kaniya. "We might go to Bataan to celebrate with my dad's side. Ikaw ba?"
"My condo. It's the tradition," pagbibiro niya. "I usually just stay in my condo during holidays."
"Eh? Gusto mong sumama sa amin sa Bataan? We're staying in that resort kung saan kami palaging pumupunta. Sabihin ko kay Mommy!" aya ko sa kaniya. I felt bad. I didn't want to imagine him alone in a special occasion.
"You're going to bring me?" natatawang tanong niya sa akin. "You're bringing me with your family? Are you serious?"
"My family is so nice! Maiintindihan nila kaagad kapag sinabi ko sa kanila. They would want you to be with us!"
Tinawanan niya lang ako, hindi sineseryoso ang mga sinasabi ko. I just didn't want him to be alone. I already knew he didn't have a good relationship with his family kaya wala siyang makakasama. Maybe he could be with us. My parents wouldn't mind.
Lumabas kami saglit para pumuntang convenience store at bumili ng pwedeng kainin. Habang naglalakad kami, napatingin ako sa date sa phone ko. "Paskuhan season sana. Alam mo ba, 'yong last Paskuhan ko, hindi naging maganda," pagkekwento ko.
"Why? What happened?" curious na tanong niya.
"Pinakilala ko 'yong ex ko sa friends ko. They didn't like him and it turned out badly. Nag-away kami... Nagkasagutan. I was just scared that time, tried to defend him and make him look good... para wala na silang masabi sa kaniya." Because that man would blame me for that, too. Sasabihin niyang sinisiraan ko siya sa mga kaibigan ko. "Ako na naman ang may kasalanan kapag ganoon."
"They didn't like him at first glance?" tanong niya naman sa akin.
"Oo... Naiintindihan ko naman. He just gave off that vibe. Iyon na yata ang malalang away namin. I cried that day. Ah, ayaw ko nang maulit 'yon. Ayaw kong magkakaaway kami. Hindi ako sanay."
Pinagbuksan niya ako ng pinto bago kami pumasok sa convenience store. Bumili lang kami ng snacks dahil plano naming manood ng movie. Ang next kasi sa list ay movies we liked. Mga favorite movies namin na hindi pa napapanood noong isa. He said he wanted to know the things I liked.
"Nag-away na ba kayo ng friends mo?" tanong ko naman sa kaniya habang nagbabayad.
"Hmm..." Nag-isip siya habang nag-aabot ng pera sa cashier. "Not that I recall. My friends are always pretty calm with things. Did you have a fight with Sam that day?"
"Kasama si Sam pero hindi naman kami masyadong nagkasagutan. You know Sam. She's really nice. Ang hindi ko lang kayang makaaway ay si Luna. I also said some wrong things to her that day. I can't believe I chose that man over my cousin." Napailing ako, naaalala ang nangyari noong araw na 'yon.
"Well, there are those choices that we are forced to make. That doesn't make you a bad person." Ngumiti siya at nilagay ang kamay sa ulo ko. Tinanggal ko kaagad 'yon at sinamaan siya ng tingin. He laughed a bit and got the paper bag full of our snacks.
Nang bumalik kami sa condo, naroon pa rin si Luna sa couch kaya sa kwarto ko na lang kami nanood. Nakaupo kami sa carpet at nakasandal ang likod sa may kama habang nanonood sa mini projector na dinala niya.
"Eh? Magkakatuluyan ba sila?" Siniko ko si Shan. "Ayaw ko nang manood kung hindi!"
"Manood ka. May lesson 'yan." Inalis niya ang takip ko sa mga mata ko. "I actually prefer them not ending up together. They're better off without each other."
"Akala ko ba ayaw mo sa romantic movies? Ano ba 'tong pinapapanood mo?"
"That's not a romantic movie. It's suspenseful. Why are you focusing on the romantic side?" Tumawa siya at pinilit akong manood ulit. "Shush, we're getting to the good part."
Hindi ko masyadong maintindihan kaya tanong ako nang tanong sa kaniya habang nanonood. Sinasagot naman niya lahat ng tanong ko, pero sinasabihan niya rin akong manood dahil masasagot pa lang daw 'yon. "Why are you even crying? It's not that sad." Nagulat siya nang lingunin niya ako.
"Sabi sa 'yo ayaw kong panoorin kung hindi magkakatuluyan, eh..." umiiyak na sabi ko. Tumatawa siya nang hawakan ang baba ko para makita ang mukha ko.
"Shush, it's okay," bulong niya sabay punas ng mga luha ko, pinipigilan ang tawa. "Don't cry... They're a couple in real life so you don't have to cry..." he softly said.
Lumiwanag ang mukha ko at agad pinunasan ang mga luha ko, sabay kuha ng phone ko para i-search. Hala, totoo nga. Hinampas-hampas ko ang kama sa sobrang excitement dahil bagay na bagay sila.
"Rare kaya 'yong ganito! 'Yong sila talaga in real life. May kakilala ako. 'Yong friend ko..." Natigilan ako bigla nang muntik ko nang masabi ang pangalan. Napakunot ang noo niya, nabitin sa sinabi ko.
"What was that?" tanong niya. Umiling ako at tinakpan ang bibig ko. "Oh, come on! I wanted to know the chika... What was that?"
Natawa ako nang malakas sa sinabi niya at napahiga pa sa kama ko. Never in my life did I expect him to say it like that! Kinulit niya pa ako kung ano 'yon pero hindi ko naman pwedeng ibuking ang kaibigan ko!
"Hoy! Huwag nga kayong magharutan! Naririnig ko kayo!" Nahulog ako bigla sa kama sa sobrang gulat nang marinig ang boses ni Luna sa labas. Gising na siya!
Nagmamadali akong tumayo at lumabas ng kwarto para tingnan ang kalagayan niya. Gulo-gulo ang buhok niya at umiinom ng tubig. Kumuha pa siya ng isang piraso ng chichirya roon sa may table.
"Are you okay now?" Lumabas si Shan sa kwarto at hinayaang magpahinga ang kamay niya sa may balikat ko. "Do you remember the things you were saying?"
"Excuse me, naaalala ko pa lahat! Pati 'yong pang-aasar mo!" Tumakbo si Shan nang ambahan siya ng sipa ni Luna at naghabulan sila roon. Nagtago ulit sa likod ko si Shan nang makabalik at ako naman ang napunta sa gitna nilang dalawa. "Seryoso nga?! Binalik mo talaga?!"
"Oo nga. Kulit ka, ha," sabi naman ni Shan. "I could call him now to confirm."
"Kierra, huwag mo na 'yang pababalikin dito!" Inismiran siya ni Luna at humiga na ulit sa couch, masakit daw ang ulo.
Sinundo namin si Yanna bago ang Christmas para rito na siya mag-stay sa Manila dahil malapit-lapit na rin ang due date niya. Mas maganda 'yong malapit na siya sa hospital. Pagkatapos noon ay nag-ayos na rin ako ng gamit dahil uuwi kaming Bataan nina Daddy. Hindi na rin ako nakapunta sa charity event ni Sam. Hindi pa rin ako nakakabisita sa doktor ko. I promised myself that I will visit after Christmas break.
"Mommy, my friend is here!" sigaw ko sa hagdan habang pababa dahil narinig ko ang door bell. Nagmamadali kong binuksan ang pinto at bumungad sa akin si Shan. "Buti nakaabot ka! Pasok ka! Pababa na sina Mommy!"
He looked so nervous while holding a bouquet of flowers for my mom. He said he would feel bad if he came empty-handed. It was beautifully arranged. Ang ganda at mukhang mahal.
"Oh, hello!" Nakangiti si Mommy nang lumapit sa pinto.
"Mom, this is Ciandrei Lopez. Shan, this is my mom. Nasa taas pa si Daddy," pagpapakilala ko.
Nawala ang ngiti sa labi ni Mommy nang marinig ang sinabi ko. Napakurap ako at pinabalik-balik ang tingin sa kanilang dalawa.
"Are you... perhaps... related to Ciana Lopez?"
"Yes, Ma'am. She's my mother... Oh, these are for you." Inabot ni Shan ang bulaklak kay Mommy pero imbis na kuhanin ay bigla na lang siyang niyakap ni Mommy nang mahigpit at tinapik-tapik ang likod.
"Uh... Mommy?" nagtatakang tanong ko. Shan just gave me a small smile and hugged my mom back a little by putting his hand on her back.
"You were just a kid..." my mom whispered. "You grew up so well."
________________________________________________________________________________
:)