We are water and roses
I need you like I need air
Spoonful of sugar
My cup is fuller when you're there
Milk and honey
Warm and lovely
You're honey
_______
Tonight is the senior carnival.
Each year, about three weeks before graduation, the school hosts a carnival for all the seniors to attend for free. The crew who sets it up actually does a really nice job of it. Our high school's parking lot is pretty big in comparison to most others, so they're able to fit a lot of different things. It's supposed to be a really good time, with the rides they set up, the games, the fact that it's up for the whole weekend and you can go as many times as you like, it's the socialization of it all.
Everyone stays from when it opens until it closes, on all three days of the weekend. There's music blasting, lights flashing, and rides whirring all night long. It's one of the biggest nights of the year that every senior looks forward to.
It's like the one last big hurrah before graduation and most of us never see each other again.
In theory, it sounds like a lot of fun.
In reality, it's the last place I'd ever want to be.
I've never done well in crowds, never really been one to want to spend a lot of time with that many people. Going to school everyday is hard enough. It's so overwhelming most days, and I don't know why I'd ever want to be with those people more than I already have to. Some of those same people who have dropped me as friends, treated me like shit, and left me all alone.
So why would I willingly put myself in that type of situation?
To be quite honest, I never even worried about having to go because I knew where I was going to be instead.
Rotting at the bottom of Saint John's bridge. But that didn't work out cause here I still am.
All because some curly haired, golden retriever boy had to come and wreck my plans.
The same curly haired, golden retriever boy that had somehow convinced me to go to this damn carnival.
Harry had felt really bad these past few weeks, like he was somehow hurting my feelings for not taking me to the prom.
Well, the dance was last Friday, and seeing as I never imagined myself going there or wanting to go there either, I didn't even realize it was prom week until Harry had brought it up.
He and I were at Ellie's grabbing our usual smoothies, and he mentioned that he wanted to talk to me about something.
I immediately got nervous, thinking he had finally realized he was tired of seeing me and wanted to leave too, just like everyone else. I'd be disappointed but not surprised. A bit heartbroken, I think, but I'd understand.
Instead, what I got was an apology.
"It completely slipped my mind. If I had remembered, I'd have asked you to come with us. I mean, Claire and I had planned to go together since the beginning of the year, but she would have understood that I'd rather have brought you as my date. She could have gone with Matthew or someone, we would have made it work. I'm so sorry I completely forgot, I-"
"Harry," I cut off his nervous rambling, thinking if I didn't he wouldn't ever stop apologizing. "It's no big deal. I don't want to go anyways. I never really went to any of our schools dances, only one, I never wanted to surround myself with people who don't like me. It wasn't a fun night the one time I went, and I don't want to relive that."
I think back to the first and last school dance I had gone to. Sophomore year homecoming. With Ryan. That was when he and I started...dating? I'm not sure what to call what we were, but that was the start of it all.
He asked me to go only three days before the dance, and who was I to say no to him. I couldn't be known as the girl who turned down Ryan Serrano. I was already struggling to be liked, and if I turned him down, people would think I was a bitch, conceited, like I thought I was too good for him, like I was above him. So, I said yes and walked to the closest dress store after school and found the cheapest dress I could that still was nice enough to wear to a dance.
Though, I didn't really look all that presentable.
I looked just barely manageable. Which was good enough for me. Better than I usually looked.
Dani wasn't in high school yet, and Louis had other things he'd rather do than go to the dance, so I got ready by myself. I mean, I had things I'd rather do than go to this dance as well, like cry, but I didn't really have the choice. I wore no makeup and ran a brush through my hair and called it a day.
We took some pictures with a big group of people before the dance, but when we got to the high school, I spent the entire night by myself sitting at a table while Ryan danced with all of his friends. I tried to go and find him at one point, but saw that he was holding some other girl by the hips and was dancing with her, so I decided to just stay at the table. Stay out of everyone's way.
And after that was the first time I had gone to his house, for the after party he hosted. Half the school was there, and it was probably the most overwhelmed I had ever felt in my entire life. I was sick to my stomach and damn near sweated through my dress.
So badly did I want to leave, but Ryan was my ride so I had to wait until he was ready to take me home.
Only, he was drinking the whole night, which I didn't realize until hours later. And there was no way in hell I was staying overnight, so what other choice did I have than to walk back?
It was already almost one in the morning, and my social limit had been maxed out hours ago, so I decided it was time to make the journey back.
As I made my way out the door and started down the sidewalk in the direction of the home, I heard my name being shouted out.
Turning my head to the direction of the voice, I saw a girl in my grade who I'd spoken to maybe twice. I paused walking so she could say whatever it was that she needed my attention for.
"You went to the dance with Ryan, right?" She asked, standing in the driveway of the big house.
"Uh, yeah. I did." I answered, taking a step closer to her.
She was quiet for a minute, looking me up and down before she was nodding her head and smiling at me. "Were you about to walk home?"
"Oh, yeah. I didn't drive myself, and everyone's been drinking so..." I trailed off, looking down at my feet and silently pleading that she'd just stop talking so I could leave. I was tired and over this day and just wanted to sleep.
"Well, I haven't been. I was just about to head home myself. Did you want a ride?" she dangled her keys from her fingertips and waited on me to answer her.
On one hand, my feet hurt and I was exhausted, so I really could use a ride. But on the other hand, I didn't really know her, and I didn't know if it was such a good idea.
It's as if she could read my mind though, because the next thing she said was, "It'll be fine. I've seen you around school before and you seem cool. We could be friends. Plus, I'm friends with Ryan too."
"You are?"
"Yup. I'm Noa, by the way."
And I trusted that. How naive of me.
So that's what started yet another friendship that took a piece of me with it when she inevitably left.
So all things considered, I had absolutely no problem that I wouldn't be going to the prom with Harry.
I knew he would have a fun time, he always knows how to make the best out of every situation, though he did seem really upset that I wouldn't be there.
Lightheartedly, I told him I'd make it up to him, thinking to myself that I'd hang out with him later that week. But he took it as an incentive to convince me to go to this damn carnival.
Which, yes, I reluctantly agreed to after much convincing and persuasion on his part. He begged me to go, convinced me it'd be fun, and promised that he would make sure I left happy.
I trusted him.
I'm finally at a place where I can comfortably say that I can fully trust Harry. It took me a damn long time, but my romantic feelings for him aside, he's genuinely one of the best people I've ever had in my life.
He's helped open my eyes that the world, and the people living in it, aren't always out to get me. There are good people out there, and I'd find them if I allow myself to come even just a little bit out of my shell.
And although I've still not come completely out of my shell with everyone, I have with Harry, and I feel content.
There wasn't much I needed to do today to get ready for the carnival. It's not like I needed to dress up or anything. I just kept on the same light washed skinny jeans and lilac t-shirt I had worn to school today.
It was the end of May at this point, and the weather was getting consistently nice so I decided against bringing my zip up jacket. Instead, I just threw my white converse back on and grabbed my phone off my bed and walked down the stairs waiting for Harry's text to let me know he was here.
Louis was walking out the door when I had reached the bottom of the stairs and before he shut the door, he caught a glimpse of me and smiled. "Hey Mace, I'll see you there, yeah?"
"Yup, see you there," I called out as he fit his body through the doorframe and left.
Sitting down on the couch, I started fidgeting with my bracelet trying my best not to think about all the worst possible outcomes of the night, of me being in that environment.
Five more minutes passed by before I got the text from Harry saying he was outside and one more minute before I was out the door as well and making my way down the driveway, meeting Harry where he was, as per usual, leaning up against the side of the car waiting for me to get to him.
My nerves completely washed away at the sight of him in his usual black jeans and converse, matched with a sage green t shirt with a logo on it that I didn't recognize.
"Hey, Mace," he spoke with a smile, uncrossing his arms that were folded across his chest. He reached forward for me and grabbed both of my wrists, throwing them over his shoulders and then grabbing his own behind my lower back.
I clasped my hand together behind his neck at the same time that he leaned down and gently pressed his lips against mine. I exhaled a breath, almost of relief, through my nose and leaned my body closer to his, loving the way my body was now filled with warmth.
Harry pulled away after a few more seconds, but still didn't let me go from his arms. He still held on and smiled down at me.
"Hi." It came out almost as a giggle. I was just happy to see him, happy to be kissing him, happy that it didn't scare me anymore, happy that I genuinely wanted this and knew he did too. I couldn't help it.
"You ready to go?" He asked, and when I nodded my head up and down, he finally let me go and walked around to the passenger side so he could open the door for me and close it when I was securely in.
We had spent the less than ten minute drive just catching up after not having really talked since yesterday afternoon. Harry had been really busy trying to get his final English project done, writing tons of poetry but still not feeling like anything he wrote was quite right.
I told him that he shouldn't be so hard on himself, that all the poetry I've heard from him had been amazing, but he was hard on himself anyways which I guess I get. He just wanted it to be perfect, and that was something I understood so I just left it alone and flipped his hand that was resting on the center console into my own and traced random patterns on the back of his hand.
I didn't even have to think twice about grabbing him, touching him. It was something that felt so natural at this point, but the way my stomach jumped once I had realized what I'd done hadn't gone unnoticed.
Subtly, I glanced over to Harry just to make sure the gesture didn't make him uncomfortable, and when I saw him biting his lip, trying to hide a smile, I knew it was alright.
Once we had reached the school, Harry easily found a parking spot, and he and I walked hand in hand to the entrance while we talked about where to start.
The gates had only opened about half an hour ago, and they didn't close for another four so it wasn't super crowded yet, but definitely getting there. Though our class was pretty big, there was enough to do here that I didn't think any of the lines for anything would be a ridiculous wait.
"C'mon let's go on this one." Harry let me in the direction of a ride that had five big arms that came out of the middle structure, and each arm had four individual seats that spun around. I happily followed behind him until the two of us were waiting in the short line.
Harry wouldn't stop tapping his foot on the pavement, and every couple of seconds he'd squeeze my hand tightly before letting it go, only to squeeze it again.
"Harry?" Peaking my head around to force it into his view, I tugged on his hand to get his attention fully on me. He whipped his head to my direction and I could almost physically see his heart rate slow down as his eyes softened. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, all good." He did his best to convince me he was fine, but I knew panic when I saw it, and this definitely looked like he was on the brink of panic, teetering over the edge of being fine and being inconsolable.
"Harry, I don't mean to overstep, so tell me to shut up if I am, but you don't seem alright. Did something happen? Did I do anything? Because-"
"No, no, you haven't done anything, swear," he shut down the thought of me doing something wrong immediately and took both of my hands so we were fully facing each other now, rather than just standing side by side. "Um, do you remember a few weeks ago when you were over and telling me about your friend and you spent a lot of time at that amusement park?"
My mind goes back to that day about a month ago, and I vividly remember it. That was the day we watched a movie at his house and I fell asleep on him, the first time I had been at his house, and the most embarrassed I had felt in a while.
But I knew that's not what he was referring to. I put two and two together and my lips parted slightly when I realized.
"You don't like rides." I stated and he shook his head back and forth. "C'mon then, we can play one of the games at the booths instead. There's plenty of them."
Rather than following me out of the line, Harry just grabbed my waist and spun me back around, halting my movements, not allowing me to leave the line. I raised my eyebrow, wondering why he'd want to stand in this line if he didn't like rides.
"I might not be a fan of rides, but you are."
"I don't care, we don't have to get on. There's plenty of other things to do here and I don't want you to be this uncomfortable. You don't need to do that for me."
"Yeah, I know I don't need to, but I want to. I promise, if I really didn't want to go on this thing, I wouldn't. Yeah, it makes me a bit nervous, but the thought of you being right there next to me calms me down more than you know."
I pause for a second debating what to do. Of course I don't want him to be uncomfortable because of me, but he knows his boundaries, he knows his limits, and it's not my place to try and control them. I trust that if he were really that unsure about going on these rides, he wouldn't do it.
"Okay," I nod my head and sigh out, and Harry flashes his teeth at me, showing off a wide, happy grin.
So we got on that ride, and a few others, and each time, Harry would be fidgeting in the line. But, he would visibly relax each time I squeezed his hand just a little tighter, or when I would rest my head against his shoulder.
Physical touch, physical affirmations is something I realized Harry needs, and I was more than happy to give them to him any way I could.
About halfway through the night, a group of people came up to Harry and I, and I very quickly recognized them to be Harry's friends, the same group of them who I had been sitting with at lunch.
They all shouted their salutations while Katelin and Claire had made it a point to come up to me to say hi to me specifically. The group talked random bullshit for a few minutes, and it was Zayn's suggestion to grab a snack at one of the booths and sit down for a little bit.
I wasn't very hungry, but Harry bought me a pretzel anyways, ignoring my adamant pleas to not buy it for me, that I was capable of paying for it myself if I had wanted it. I faked an annoyed expression as he handed me the salty dough, meanwhile he was grinning from ear to ear.
He really was too cute to be mad at, so my look of annoyance quickly washed away and morphed to match his smile, and I thanked him before sitting down beside Katelin at the table. And rather than saying 'you're welcome', Harry just placed a kiss to the top of my head and walked around the table to sit across from me as he started eating his bag of popcorn.
We sat around and talked for maybe fifteen minutes while everyone munched on their food, and disbanded once everyone was finished. Bidding our farewells, Harry and I found the next ride we wanted to get on and waited in the now longer line.
The rest of the night went pretty quickly, we got on about half of the rides, decided to come back tomorrow for the other half, and Harry had calmed down drastically throughout.
After we got off the first ride, he remembered that small carnival rides were nothing compared to the big roller coasters he was really scared of. He was still nervous getting on them, but not nearly as nervous as he had been for that first one.
We had played three games now. I won two of them where Harry only won one. The prizes for the games weren't anything worth taking for me or for him, like beads and bracelets, so we were only playing for fun, and left the prizes at the booths. Both Harry and I were getting tired, so we came to the decision that we'd play one more game before calling it a night and heading out.
The last game we decided on was a ring toss, and I knew there was no chance of me winning this once since I had absolutely no hand-eye coordination or any depth perception, meaning my aim was worse than terrible. Like a six year old boy peeing in the dark.
But, we played anyway. I went first, and just like I had expected, I missed all the bottles and didn't win any of the stuffed prizes. Harry was up next, and he actually managed to get three out of the six rings on. Which means that he automatically wins a small prize since he got half. If he makes all six, he'd win a big one.
Harry missed the next three shots, but he didn't care because he still got a prize. "I'll take that rabbit, please," he told the man behind the booth.
The man reached behind him and untangled one of the small stuffed rabbits from the rope of prizes and handed it to Harry, who immediately handed it to me.
"For you," Harry simply said, like it was obvious that it'd be more me. I flicked my gaze a few times between Harry and the rabbit, and I guess the confusion was clear on my face because Harry started speaking again.
"I know they're your favorite animal, saw it when we first came in and wanted to win one for you. I'm just glad these were the prizes for the ring toss because this is the only game I'm at least decent at."
My heart swelled at the gesture and I honestly could cry right now from how happy this made me, how happy he made me. He was so sweet, and no one had ever gifted me something like this before.
"Thank you," was all I could say. I threw my arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug which he gladly returned.
"Course," he whispered into my hair and kissed my head before pulling back and looking down at me.
"Wait, hang on, back up. How'd you know they were my favorite?" He leads me away so we weren't standing directly in front of the booth anymore, and we leisurely start to make our way back to the car.
Harry rubs the skin and slightly pulls the hair at the nape of his neck. He's looking down at his feet as he tells me, "Well, that first night we met, when we were walking back from the park. That's when you told me they were your favorite animal."
My stomach and my heart dropped as I thought about that night, what I was doing, how it was supposed to go. I blacked out most of that night. Just vaguely remembering Harry being there, walking me off the ledge, getting coffee and walking home. I don't remember telling him details about myself like what my favorite animal was. I wonder what else I told him. I wonder what else he remembers.
I think about where I was then compared to where I am tonight. How low I was that night, and every night, compared to how high I am now. How I have Harry to thank, yes, but also myself. Harry was the one who lit up the pathway to happiness, but I'm the one who made the effort to take the first step. He's the one who squatted down to where I was sitting, motionless in the dark, going nowhere, and encouraged me to move. But I'm the one who got up. I'm the one who made it here. And for the first time in my life, I'm proud of myself.
Harry's voice pipes back up which snaps me out of my thoughts. "Anyway. This brings me to my next point. Um." His feet shuffle against the pavement and seemingly becomes even more nervous than he had been before getting on that first ride. And him being nervous is making me nervous. I don't know what for, but I am.
"So, um, I wanted to win you something tonight, it just worked out in my favor that it happened to be your favorite animal. Um, I wanted to win you something and give it to you when I told you how much I like you."
I stop in my tracks and so does Harry. He very quickly looks up from the ground to gage my reaction, and when he sees that I'm just staring at him expressionlessly, he continues.
"I really like you, Mace. You've come to mean so much to me and I don't want to ever lose that. I don't want to lose the way you make me feel like I can do anything in the world. Like I'm important, like I'm worthy enough to be part of your life. I want to always feel this good, want to always feel as happy as you make me, and I can only hope to every god I don't believe in that you feel the same way too. That I make you as happy as you make me. So, if you do, then would you, um, be my..."
His voice trails off and he finally looks up from the ground and holds eye contact with me.
"Be my girlfriend?"
The silence between us is deafening. Harry stares at me, expectantly waiting for an answer and all I can do is think about how shocked I am.
Not at what he asked me, but at how I'm feeling about it. I had seen where this was going when he first started talking, and I had expected myself to run away. I expected to cry maybe. I expected to feel like I was being eaten alive from the inside out. I expected to feel nothing but pure panic and raw terror.
So when all I felt was excitement and happiness, I was shocked. Shocked to a state of silence. Speechless. I wanted to answer him, I wanted to tell him yes, that he makes me happier than I've ever felt, but I can't get the words to come out.
I think my silence has Harry thinking that I'm trying to find a way to let him down easily because his previous anxious expression had now turned into complete despair.
"You can say no, I'll understand. I get it." He let out a small laugh and as soon as he spoke those words, I found my voice.
"Yes." I say, and Harry's eyebrows pull together.
"Yes?" He hesitantly questions.
I nod my head vigorously up and down and step closer to him, placing my hands on his shoulders and his hands find their way to my hips.
"I want that. I wanna be your girlfriend. You make me happy. I don't wanna lose that either."
The look of relief that washes over Harry's features has me smiling wider than I think I ever have, to the point my cheeks actually hurt.
"Yeah?" Harry laughs.
"Mhmm, yeah." I confirm and step up on my tiptoes to kiss him. He bends over slightly to meet me halfway and crashes our lips together. Our lips mould together and his hands travel up from my waist to grasp at my cheeks. The kiss is full of emotions. Relief, happiness, passion, adoration for each other. His tongue brushes across my bottom lip, and I open my mouth to welcome him in.
It's soft, sweet, just like Harry. The electricity that jolts through my body makes me feel alive.
Hours could have gone by and I wouldn't have known the difference, I was just lost in his embrace. Eventually though, Harry pulled away, but he didn't disconnect himself fully. He kept our foreheads pressed together and just looked down into my eyes.
"Alright, I guess I should get you home now then, huh?" I nod my head but neither of us move, neither of us wanting to ruin this perfectly peaceful, blissful atmosphere we had created. But after another moment of staring at each other, I finally am the first one to break away and continue walking to the car.
We climb into the car, still not losing our smiles, and the first song that Harry plays is Void by The Neighborhood. "I remember this is your favorite song by them, and they're your favorite band."
"How do you manage to remember all of that? I can barely remember what I did this morning." It's true. My memory is really bad, and I don't know if it's due to my time spent disassociating over the years that I can't retain information given to me, or if I'm just too stupid to remember things. Whatever it is though is really annoying. I wish I could remember little details about Harry like he could with me.
"I don't know," he answers. "Guess I just have a good memory, especially when it comes to things I care about."
That was almost like a back handed compliment. And I know he didn't mean it to be, he was literally just saying that he cares about me, but I care about him too, and yet I can't remember small details about him.
For me, it doesn't have to do with whether or not I care about him, but just that I literally cannot remember things to save my life.
Which is why I didn't spend any more time overthinking it. I knew he didn't mean it in the way I first took it.
"Well, I'm pretty sure your favorite is The 1975..." I let my voice trail off and when he nods his head in confirmation, I say, "But I'd have no idea what your favorite song would be. Is it Be My Mistake? You sang that one really well."
Maybe I should give myself more credit. I could remember some things, bigger things, like him singing that song. It's just the little things, like his favorite animal that I couldn't remember. Maybe he never told me his favorite animal in the first place.
"That's actually one of my favorites, yeah, but my first favorite is probably Facedown."
I nod my head and take my phone out of my jeans pocket and open my notes app. I create a new note and title it, 'H', and underneath, the first thing I write is the song title and band.
"What's your favorite color?" I ask, figuring I should get as much out of him as I can while I'm consciously thinking about it.
"Blue, like light blue."
"Favorite animal?"
"Cat."
"Favorite movie?"
"Mmmm, Love Actually."
"Favorite food?"
"Pickles. Why are you asking me all of this?" He turns his head away from the road since we're approaching a stop sign and looks over at me. I lock my phone and put it back into the pocket of my jeans.
Shrugging my shoulders, I say, "Nothing. Just trying to remember things about someone I care about."
Harry smiles warmly at that and reaches over to grab my hand and kiss my knuckles.
"By the way, pickles are fucking disgusting."
Harry throws my hand back at me and I start to laugh, belly aching type of laugh when he also yells, "Oh piss off! They're good!"
I shake my head to reiterate my opinion and break out in a fit of laughter again when Harry huffs out a breath, seeming like he's genuinely upset that I don't like pickles.
"They're really good," he says to himself, and reaches back over to grab my hand once more, resting our intertwined fingers on the console between us.
"Whatever you say."
The rest of the drive back to the home is a comfortable silence, filled with the songs that play through the speakers.
I'm not sure what Harry's thinking of right now, but I've got the same five words circling my brain.
Blue, cats, Love Actually, pickles.