You're making me forget my past
Never thought I'd feel like that again
I came to peace with my path
Now you got me off track
———
TW: mention of self harm
________
The rest of the day dragged on and I thought it was never going to be over. After I left the nurses office, it was my lunch period. But, I had no appetite. I usually don't, but especially not after what just happened.
I don't have the same lunch period as Dani or Louis, which really sucks. So instead of spending another day sitting alone and getting stared at, I just walked around the hallways to kill time. I stopped outside of the cafeteria, peering in at everything that was going on in there. I didn't want to be surrounded by all of those people. I knew I would just get overwhelmed, probably over stimulated too, and maybe have another breakdown. I couldn't handle having another one here, especially if it were in the cafeteria where a hundred more people would witness it.
I was already riddled with embarrassment. The people in my English class probably thought I was crazy. They're probably all talking already about how that freak Macey had a psychotic break in class and by this point the whole school probably knows and is talking about me.
Everyone always talks about me.
Never good things. Not after sophomore year.
I used to wish people would talk to me instead of about me, but now I don't think I'd even know what to do if someone talked to me. It's clear that I ruin every relationship I take part in, so I guess it's in everyones best interest to steer clear.
It's probably better for me to just avoid the cafeteria for the rest of the year. There's only about two more months left anyways.
In class, I always sit in the back, so I know that no one is staring at me But in there, anyone can be staring at me. Anyone could see me sitting there by myself, thinking about what a freak I am.
Anyone could be talking about how they see me sitting alone, still, and think I deserve to be sitting alone after what I supposedly did.
That's the thing about rumors. They spread like wildfire in a thousand different directions, changing as they go. And then when the whole forest is on fire, everyone's got their own version of how it started burning in the first place. No one cares to know the truth of how it happened because quite frankly, the truth is much more boring than what they've constructed in their heads. And once it's been constructed, the truth may as well be thrown into the fire to burn along with the rest of the persons life who the rumor was about. The truth becomes unsalvageable, but it's not like anyone thought the truth was worth saving anyways.
The cafeteria brings nothing but uneasiness and I feel my feet start to carry me away from it before I start to spiral again. I just need to avoid it, and never go back.
After wandering around for a solid ten minutes, I found myself in the D wing. Otherwise known as the basement. It's not really a basement, but it's the floor below the main floor, so everyone calls it the basement. There's nothing down here besides three health classrooms, the gym teachers offices, and a bathroom. It's the best place to hide out since rarely anyone is ever down here unless they have a class. Which to my luck, there are no classes right now.
I head into the bathroom and lean against the wall, closing my eyes and just counting the timing of my breathing.
If the rumor mill is spinning the way I think it is, then I'm sure Harry has heard about what happened already.
I still hadn't spoken to Harry since Saturday, and now I'm even more inclined to push him away. He wasn't even that close to begin with, barely in arm's reach of my hands to be able to push him away. But, I didn't want to let him get any closer.
I put a strain in his friendship with two people, not one, but two. And I feel terrible. He was with me instead of his friends on Saturday, and by the sounds of it, it seems like Harry had canceled on them for me. If it was a spur of the moment thing, and Harry said he couldn't go because he had plans with me, that might be a little bit different. But from the way those guys were talking, it sounds like he fully ditched them just to see me. Now I'm sure they resent me. And once they convince Harry that all I'll ever be is a wedge between them, splitting them apart, he'll resent me too.
So, it's better to push myself away before I get too attached and find myself falling off the deep end.
The bell ringing brought me out of my head and back to the surface, where I forcefully made my way to my next class.
There were only three classes left, thank god, one of them being free period, which I planned spending in the D wing bathroom again. I just hoped I didn't bump into Harry in the hallway at all.
I just need to keep my eyes down and not look at anyone as I go from class to class. Nothing I'm not used to.
School ended and I rushed to get on the bus. I didn't want to risk Harry seeing me and trying to talk. I knew it'd be impossible to avoid him completely, but I'd avoid him for as long as I could.
I wasn't ready to face him again and I'm not sure if I ever really will be.
The bus ride was short, and Dani tried talking to me but I wasn't in the mood for talking. She and I usually sat with each other on the bus. Dani had other friends she could sit with, but she always sat with me instead. I think it's because she feels bad that I don't have any other friends anymore.
It's pity, but whatever. I don't say anything about it.
Either way, she tried engaging in conversation with me, but I couldn't do it. She knew something was off, I could tell she knew by the way she looked at me with concern in her eyes, a crease indented in her forehead between her furrowed eyebrows.
I simply just did not want to talk to anyone right now. So that leaves me in my room by myself lying on my bed with my homework spread around me. Dani was doing her homework in the dining room, she knew I just wanted to be left alone right now. I tried doing my own work, but I feel so worn out and tired that I can barely hold my pen between my fingers. I didn't even have the energy to make myself my usual after school smoothie.
I wanted to sleep, and I tried hard to, but my mind was racing and wouldn't calm down even for a second. I kept replaying the events from school today, and I felt so disappointed in myself. That sort of breakdown has only happened once before while at school, and it was when I was in eighth grade.
No one was around, though. I had stayed after school hours to get some extra help with geometry, my teacher suggested it, and though I didn't want to, I didn't know how to say no, so I went.
Anyways, I was walking from my locker to the front door of the building so I could walk home, and I just felt a wave wash over me, like I was tugged underwater by a rip current and could no longer bring air into my lungs. There was no stopping the weight that caved in on my chest and the ache in my bones.
I ran to the bathroom and had my meltdown, very similar to how it happened today, but without the cutting. It was a lot of crying, yelling, and slamming my head on the bathroom stall. I'm pretty sure I gave myself a concussion with that one, but I didn't want to tell Julie what happened so I never went to a doctor. I didn't deserve to go to a doctor. I deserved to live with the concussion just like I do with my scars. As a reminder. It's the consequence of my actions.
Besides, I liked it. Physical pain distracts from emotional pain. It wasn't the first time I'd given myself a concussion, and I'm sure it won't be the last.
I picked up my English book for what seemed like the hundredth time trying to read it, but my attention was elsewhere. I'm not sure where it was, not anywhere specifically, but it wasn't where it needs to be, that's for sure.
Tossing the book aside, I let out a frustrated sigh and picked up my phone. I opened the notes app once again and stared at the screen.
I spent the last few days thinking about what Harry had stated about writing and how easy it was for him. Just write what you feel. Sure, it sounds easy. But when it comes down to actually voicing what goes on inside of my chaotic, shit filled brain, it's scary.
I don't want people to know what goes on inside my head. I don't even know what goes on inside my head. It's a confusing, dark, place, and I'm not ready to sift through and form words comprehensive enough to decipher what goes on up there.
But maybe I don't need to dig too deep?
But I don't want anyone to know about this or somehow see it.
But, I guess I could keep this note locked, so no one could see what I wrote. Not that anybody would be on my phone as it is, the lock feature somehow just made me feel better.
I typed out a single word and stared at it.
Safe.
Why my brain pulled that word out of my vocabulary is something I can't answer. What it means or what context it's in, I also can't answer, but there it is. Maybe it's because I put the lock on this note and made it safe? I don't know.
Chewing the inside of my lip, I lower my phone so it meets my chest. I hide the screen against my skin and stare at the ceiling, doing my best to try and come up with any other words or sentences I could think of that are writing worthy.
No words come to mind, so I heave out a breath, blowing the hair out of my eyes and toss my phone aside. I shut my eyes again, trying to let sleep encompass me, but I knew in the back of my head it was no use.
The sound of my phone ringing a short while later is what causes me to quickly sit upright and lift my phone from the covers closer to my face so I could read the name of the person calling me.
It was Harry, fuck.
Rather than answering it like a normal person would do in this situation, I just stared at the screen with my mouth hung open. My heart started to race, and I instantly felt a rush of anxiety flow through my bloodstream.
I let the tone ring as I didn't want to answer the call. I mean, what was I supposed to say? I feel like I didn't know how to talk to him now. I feel like I wasn't supposed to talk to him now.
It was so weird how I felt comfortable with him after only a few days of knowing each other, and now, I couldn't wait until my phone stopped ringing. I felt anxious, not safe, when I heard his name.
Safe. That word. That feeling.
I don't feel safe anymore.
Did I even feel safe to begin with?
The ringing stopped, and I let out a sigh of relief. My heart was still racing, and my hands were still a bit shaky, but at least the ringing stopped.
Someone knocking on my door caught my attention, and I walked over to twist and pull on the handle, opening the door halfway and revealing Louis standing behind it.
"Hey, Lou," I said and fully opened the door now. I crossed my arms over my chest and took a step back as he leaned against the doorway.
"Hey, I just wanted to come by and ask where you were during free period, everything alright?" He tilted his head to the side as he spoke, and held his bottom lip between his pointer finger and thumb when he was finished.
"Oh, I was just in the library. I had to use the computer to print out something for English. I'm fine," I lie. I couldn't tell him where I really was, what I was really doing. He'd be disappointed in me.
Louis squints his eyes and he frowns slightly, almost like he doesn't quite believe what I'm telling him, But I keep a straight face and hope he doesn't question me any further.
"Okay," he nods his head slowly and pushes himself so he's standing straight up again. "Well, if you wanna come down and take a break from homework, Siena and Dani are making cookies that'll be done soon."
"Yeah, sure. I'll be down in a bit." I nod my head in assurance, and Louis smiles at me giving a quick thanks before turning around, walking away, and leaving me alone at my door.
I walk back over to my bed and pick up my phone. When I flip the screen over, that rush of anxiety washes over my body once again and my heart rate picks back up to lightning speed.
My screen shows that I have a voicemail and two messages from Harry.
"Jesus fuck take the hint." I say out loud, my voice raising a few octaves.
I close my eyes and tilt my head back so it's facing the ceiling. Letting out a long exhale, I bring my eyes back down to the screen and prepare myself to open the message just to see what it says.
harry: Hey Mace, tried calling you. Guess you're busy right now, that's okay. Call me when you get a chance?
harry: Or text. Whichever you want. Just wanna hear from you
Oh, Harry. If you only knew what was going on in my head.
I open the voicemail, putting it on speaker phone and resting it on the pillow next to me. I bring my knees up to my chest and brush my hair behind my ears before wrapping my arms around my legs, giving myself a hug. I feel like I just need a hug right now.
I hit play on the voicemail and close my eyes to listen.
"Hey Macey, it's Harry. I didn't see you in physics today, but I saw you in the hall this morning, did you go home early or something? I hope you're alright. I wanted to explain what happened on Saturday. Why I rushed out and acted the way I did. I'm sorry if you thought it had anything to do with you, it didn't at all. It was my family. I needed to be home. I'm sorry for rushing you home like that. Just give me a call back or something so I can explain if you'll let me, yeah? Alright, well, I won't waste your time by making this too long, but I hope you're okay, and I hope I see you in school tomorrow. Bye Bee. Oh and I grabbed an extra packet from physics for you so you don't have a missing assignment from today. It's due on Friday. We can do it together if you want? Call me when you can. Okay, now bye."
The voicemail ended and I pinched my eyes shut even tighter, and can feel tears start to well up. My bottom lip begins to quiver, and my chest feels so heavy.
Why am I crying?
It's almost like just the sound of his voice sparked something in me because all of a sudden all of the feelings I was numb to have come flooding back. I don't feel numb like I did when I walked out of that bathroom. I don't feel numb like I did when I left the nurses office. I don't feel numb like I did for every second of this day since I left school. I don't feel numb anymore.
I feel so frustrated.
Already I'm giving in and wanting to call Harry back. I feel like I'm betraying myself, like my meltdown was for nothing. I spent all day telling myself that I had to push him away, and at the sound of his voice I'm ready to throw all of that out the window and give him a chance. There was just something so soothing and comforting about his voice, just like what I felt when I was with him. His voice was both magnetic, pulling me in, and smooth like honey, and it made me feel like I was safe. Like things were going to be okay.
I didn't even realize I was dialing Harry's number until I heard him speak.
"Hey! You called me back," I hear him say, and my eyes widen in shock that I actually called him.
Oh, fuck.
"Oh, yea. I- I figured, um I should," I stuttered out, chewing on the inside of my cheek.
"Well, is there any chance I could come see you? I wanna talk about what happened on Saturday, explain everything to you and I'd rather do that in person than over the phone."
I didn't want Harry to come here. I just think it's embarrassing for him to come to the home considering he actually has a family. And yes, he knows I live in this foster home, but he doesn't actually see it. There's a difference between standing outside of it and actually coming in. He wouldn't understand, and I don't want to make him understand either. He shouldn't have to.
"Um, well, there's a lot going on here right now. Um, I don't know, um-"
"Have you had your smoothie today?" he asks, cutting off my stuttering.
"No, actually. I haven't," I shake my head in response, even though I know he can't see me.
"Well, how about I pick you up and we can go to Ellie's, get some smoothies and talk. Does that sound okay?"
"Yeah, sure. That sounds fine." I can taste the metallic blood in my mouth from how hard I'm chewing my inner cheek right now, and I also begin to bite the nails on my hand that isn't holding my phone to my ear.
"Wonderful. I can pick you up in about twenty minutes, yeah? Will you be ready to go then?" I can hear the smile in his voice, and hearing him sound happy makes a smile appear on my face as well and I'm nodding my head.
"Yeah, I'll see you then. Bye Harry." I speak out.
"Bye Mace," Harry says back and I hang up the call but keep the smile on my face. I pull my lips inside my mouth to try and suppress it, but it's no use. It's there to stay.
I pace across my bedroom floor and walk out of the door and make my way downstairs so I can find someone and tell them I'm leaving.
As I get closer to the kitchen, the smell of chocolate chip cookies overwhelms my senses in the best way possible. I walk through the doorway and am met with Louis, who sits at the island watching Dani, who is helping Siena take the cookie tray out of the oven.
They spin around and place the tray on the cooling rank and Siena smiles when she sees me here.
"Macey! You want a cookie? I just made them all by myself. Dani only helped a little." She went to go grab a cookie off the rack but Dani stopped her before she could burn herself.
"Si you've gotta wait a few minutes for them to cool, remember? They'll still be warm when we eat them but if try too soon you'll burn your mouth, and touching the tray will burn your hand." Dani explains while lowering her wrist away from the tray.
"Well that's dumb. How long do we have to wait?" She asks as she pushes her blonde hair out of her face.
"How about five minutes. I'll set a timer so you can watch it and know when they're ready, okay?" Louis told her while he pulled out his phone, setting a timer and giving the device to Siena.
"Kay," she said and sat in a chair staring at the screen, humming to herself.
"You going somewhere?" Dani asked, glancing down and seeing the shoes on my feet.
I nodded my head and when she raised her eyebrow at me expectantly, I followed it up with, "Harry and I are grabbing smoothies."
A smile spread across her face, and I heard Louis let out what he probably thought was going to be a quiet laugh.
"What?" I asked him.
"No, nothing," he said, smirk on his lips. He peered over Siena's shoulder to glance at the timer on his phone.
Squinting my eyes, I waiter for him to bring his attention back to me. And when he did, he started laughing even more.
"Louis! What is it?" Literally what on earth is he laughing about.
"Nothing, Mace. Swear."
He walked around the kitchen island towards the cabinets where he got himself a glass and proceeded to pour himself water.
At this point, I just excuse myself and head into the living room so I could sit on the couch and anxiously wait for Harry to show.
After a few moments of me scrolling mindlessly through my phone, I hear the timer going off in the kitchen. And shortly after, I hear footfalls getting louder until I see Siena appear in the living room holding a cookie in the palm of her hand.
"Want one?" She asked and came to a stop in front of me.
"Sure," I nodded and took it from her hand. She stood there, waiting for my reaction and watching me as I took the first bite.
I exaggerated my face greatly, widening my eyes more than I should and letting out a loud hum of satisfaction.
"These are the best cookies I've ever had. You did so good making them," I tell her with a wide smile on my face.
"Thanks," she giggled and ran back into the kitchen.
I finished the cookie that was actually quite good and continued to scroll through my phone.
True to his word, I heard a car horn beeping from outside precisely twenty minutes after he called, and I knew Harry was outside.
I got up from the couch and walked passed the kitchen entry way to get to the front door where I saw Louis was already standing.
"See ya later, Mace, " He said with raised eyebrows and a smirk on his lips. He walked away from the door before I could even respond. That was weird
"See ya later, Lou," I whispered to myself, shook my head, and walked out the door.
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Thank you to everyone who's stuck by me since this whole mess of wattpad deleting my account. Yall have no idea how much I appreciate you.
Like I said in the last chapter, the things Mace is going through are things ive gone through/am still going through. I wrote her based on me as an outlet to try and get my thoughts and feelings out there simultaneously letting people who are reading know that they're not alone. With that being said, I know I dropped the ball with the weekly updates, but that's because these past two chapters being about self harm, it was really hard to me to write.
When I originally wrote these chapters a little over a year ago, I was not clean, so it was a bit easier for me to be in the mindset Macey's currently in about self harm. However, I'm clean now and have been for months, so I was scared that going back to edit and repost these chapters would bring back those thoughts and put me back in that mindset. Which is why I stepped back for a while.
But Im alright, Im doing okay. I havent regressed and Im proud of myself for that. So yea lol thats why I haven't updated in a while, but now that the heaviest part of that is over, lll get back into the swing of weekly updates.
Again, thank you for being patient with me. I love you all!