I still don't know if I said his name out loud or if I just thought it. Either way, the tall, grey-blue figure steps towards me, his sandy hair disheveled but his eyes kind. So very, painfully kind.
I can't move for some reason.
I don't know if I'm happy to see him, or maybe I don't think I should be happy to see him.
He gets that little bit closer until he's only about a meter away and he smiles ever so slightly.
"Nina." he says gently. The blue eyed figure in front of me blurs so I blink the water away finally wiping my eyes and stepping back, bumping into a table and knocking things over. Tears keep coming though, as the anger, confusion, disbelief and shock of everything starts to overwhelm me.
Damn, I was hoping to make it to my bedroom before this happened.
"Sorry." I blurt as I start to cry that little bit more, "I need to just..." my words come to a halt as I burst out crying.
I don't quite make it to the floor this time as Miles grabs hold of me making me cry even more. Why does he have to be here? Why now when I'm not allowed to be glad he's here? How can he come all this way just to leave me...just like my parents left Adriana.
How the hell could my parents desert their sixteen year old daughter!
"Sorry..." I cough through the sobs, "I need... to breath." I break free from his grip make a run for the nearest door, in this case it's the hallway door and I slam it behind me before crying again, bitterly this time at the cruelty of Adriana's situation and, selfishly, at my own situation; wanting to vent everything to Miles but not being able to. I know he'll know what to say. I know he'll make this mountain into a molehill for me but how can I ask for his advise moments before telling him he's killing me by coming here just to leave.
My cries are loud, the pain in my stomach fierce and the exhaustion so strong it drags me to the floor.
"Nina..." I hear Miles' voice say through the door. I pull my head out of my knees and grip my hair bracing for whatever it is he's going to say that will make ending things that tiny bit harder. Somehow, his voice is even sweeter than it is over the phone. "Please let me in. I didn't come here to comfort you from the other side of a door, Please." There's another silence and I hear him sit down on the floor, "Nina...I'll wait here for as long as it takes. Joe will just keep handing me more coffee and I'll just keep waiting, please. This is killing me having to comfort a door. It was hard enough over the phone. I came to see you. I'll sit at the other end of the hallway even, I just...please Nina. Joe's just made us a coffee...let me help."
I undo the grip my fingers have on my hair and wipe my face.
The next twenty-four hours will be awful regardless of what I do so I give in and open the door slightly. Miles opens it a little more but stays where he's sitting, on the floor, facing me through the now open doorway. I'm sure he wasn't this impossible to stare at back in London. Joe stands behind him holding two coffee's, making it even more evident that Joe had nothing against Miles.
"Should I go or will you need me to beat him up?" Joe asks. I take a shaky breath and shake my head.
"It's fine...thanks." I say quietly.
"I'll be in the garden then." he says before handing Miles two coffee's. He gives Joe a nod then looks back at me, putting the two coffee's down between us.
I try not to look at him. I try not to notice that his hands are shaking or that his eyes haven't left mine. Noticing those things will just make it harder for me.
"What happened?" he asks gently. I shake my head, rubbing my eyes even harder.
"You don't want to know." I tell him, reluctantly looking up. I inwardly groan at the intense way he's staring at me. Grief this is worse than The Tone. His eyes are just drenched in concern and kindness. I drag my eyes back to the floor. "What are you doing here?" I finally ask as the tears I have no control over fall.
"To fix what I screwed up earlier but we can talk about that later. I do want to know what happened Nina, I'm hoping I can help or at least know what you're dealing with..."
I scoff at this which almost turns into another cry.
"I don't even want to know any more, Miles. You and Joe were right. I was so not ready for that! I wish...I wish I could unknow it but I can't and now I'm stuck with the information and it won't go away. The anger won't go away and the...everything!" I yell throwing my arms up.
"That anger at who?" Miles asks calmly. Too calmly for my liking
"At my parents!! They deserted her. They just left her without...without telling her we were leaving or where we were going and she was only sixteen! Sixteen and she's left with nobody. And our parents in London telling me some cock and bull story about how she was a disgrace to the family and telling other people they only have 'one daughter'. They were the disgrace all this time. All that time! They were in the wrong. They were the reason I grew up with no sister for twenty-seven years...Yes, I've been counting. They were the ones who treated their innocent good-hearted daughter like dirt. She was their daughter and they just left her. Who...who does that? Who in their right mind does that just to save money! And they were my parents! I trusted them, I believed what they told me and . . .I don't get it! I wish I didn't know. I don't want to know any more. My head hurts, it feels like it's going to cave in and I wish it would so I could stop thinking and being so angry at them, at what they did and ...and at you for coming here and rubbing in my face just how too damn perfect you are only to leave again and I can't do it...it's exhausting thinking all the time and not sleeping all the time and I want everything to vanish. I just want to be normal. I want to feel normal again and not so screwed up about everything. I don't even know what you're still doing here. Clearly I'm nuts and fail miserably at everything I do. I can't even do Adriana's life properly."
Out of the corner of my eye I see him pick up a coffee. I swallow the lump in my throat and sniff.
"I wouldn't. He means well but can't make a decent coffee to save himself."
"Ah...noted." he says, putting it back down. He then shifts a little closer, legs folded and his fingers running through his already messy hair.
"Nina, I can't undo what you know or what your family did. Neither can you but, it can all still be used to your advantage." I give Miles a doubtful look.
"I think you've lost your touch. How do I use my horrid parents neglecting their child to my advantage?"
"You're not them. You didn't get into the family business. Think of how much worse you'd feel if you had. You've spent most of your life not knowing who you want to be like. people either want to be like their parents or they don't. Correct me if I'm wrong but you've never really known have you?" I timidly shake my head in reply.
"How do you know that?" I ask.
"Months ago we talked about it. How kids either act like their parents or they spend their life trying not to become their parents. You said you weren't sure which way you rolled."
"Oh." Is all I say back, not wanting to ask how he remembered that.
"All this new information is just adding up to who Nina becomes as an individual. Who I am has a lot to do with my father and the drugs and all that other stuff I'm not proud of. All of those things were a huge impact on who I am now. In London I only ever saw glimpses of the person you've become here. You've learnt that people loved Adriana so you automatically wanted to be likened to her. What your parents were like may not have been pretty but if it's going to drive you to be the opposite of them won't that make you better off in the end? You're not your parents. You're also not Adriana but if there are aspects of her you want to mirror, who's to say that's a bad thing? What happened to her probably made her the person everyone adored here. That's a good thing. don't you think?"
I nod a little, staring at the blank hallway in front of me.
"And, you're not failing miserably at everything you do. Look at the friends you have here, the people you trust and the people who trust you. That café is going to be amazing when it's done and so will the shop next to it. You're a kind, loving person. You spent a whole chunk of your time here worrying about other people. Me, when I didn't sleep, Joe with his ex, Taffy with the fire. You're doing everything just fine. So fine in fact, that I momentarily forgot what you'd been going through and dropped a bombshell of my own on you and again...sorry. I felt like a right . . .Ding-bat afterwards."
"Ding bat?" I can't help but repeat. "I didn't know people used that term any more."
He smiles ever so slightly and looks down.
"When they're trying not to swear in the presence of a lady they do." he says back which makes me smile. I rest my head back knowing Miles is the only person in the universe who could have me smiling at a time like this. The pain over the fact he's leaving pulls the smile back off of my face and I look down.
"You're leaving." I say to answer the look of concern I'm getting from him.
"Only for a few days." he says gently.
"After that. I mean your O.E."
"That?" he asks baffled, "I'm not going on the O.E...unless of course you completely reject me and I need to lick my wounds elsewhere." he leans forward a little to look at me properly, "That's what this has been about? I came all the way over here for you. You think I'm actually going to leave again?"
"You never said otherwise. You're sending me your chair to look after for goodness sake."
"Yeah, okay that does sound bad..." he says, closing his eyes at the thought, "but, in my defense, telling you over the phone when you're already under a lot of stress that I'm thinking of just staying wherever you go may come across quite strong...rather like a stalker; especially when I wasn't exactly sure if you felt anything for me at first or when there's some guy named Joe being talked about all the time." he tilts his head to the side to look me in the eyes as he says this.
"I suppose." I frown still doubting the idea. Miles watches me for a moment with those ever so calm eyes.
"We don't have to talk about that now though. You have a deck and a coffee machine and sun and were sitting in the hallway." I smile a little as he heaves himself to his feet. "I told you I wanted to come and have a coffee with you. I missed it like hell so. . ." he puts his hand out, not looking at all sure that I'm going to take it, "you can tell me more about your parents and I can tell you about the five year old I sat next to on the way here who went through seven paper bags."
"Eyw." I laugh, taking his hand. He pulls me up then lets go, clearly still not sure about what I think of him being here. I brush my fringe out of my face and watch him squirm uncomfortably. "Thank you." I say hoping it sounds like I mean it. "For coming and... and making me feel a little less like I want to shoot myself." He smiles and nods. "And if I could just start again...'wow Miles. You're here. You look like hell but it's good to see you. Would you like a cup of coffee?"
He chuckles looking at me again.
"I'd love one."
"Good. Romeo's in the kitchen. I presume you still know how I have my coffee and I can just sit there and watch." I beam a smile, "Normality resumed."
"Except we get longer than twenty minutes and we won't be interrupted by your cell."
"Precisely." I say, still trying to wrap my head around the fact he's here. Miles bends down a little, trying to look me in the eyes again.
"Am I allowed to give you a hug?" he asks quietly, "You still look like you need one."
This throws me off completely.
"Oh, uh...sure." I say with a sniff. Instead of the stilted, awkward hug I'm expecting though, he surprises me by submerging me completely in his grey blue arms. Considering I hate hugs, this feels surprisingly good. I close my eyes and hug him back.
"You don't smell like coffee any more." I mumble. I hear him chuckles a little.
"I changed my washing powder after you left, sorry." This time I laugh and he wraps his arms around me a little tighter. "I'm so sorry about your parents." he says to me in an almost whisper. I open my eyes, remembering why I was on the floor in the first place.
"Don't...I'll cry again." I say into his shirt.
"You're allowed. At least I won't be on the other side of the planet unable to do anything."
"Speaking of which..." I say, very reluctantly pulling away from him, "Why aren't you on said other side of the planet? What happened to coming after your sisters wedding?"
"I told you." he says gently, leaning his back against the wall and folding his arms. "I screwed up the other day. You're the closest thing to a friend I've had in a very long time and I wanted to sort it out before it put a wedge between us. I booked the next flight to Australia via Singapore the same night I screwed up."
"So when you called the other day?"
"I was in Singapore wondering if I was making the right decision but then you said you were going to see Charlie so I got here as soon as I could." His eyes stay on mine, "I'm glad I did...again, it's not what all the single, gorgeous musicians are doing but..."
I laugh going bright red.
"I can't believe you've committed that to memory." I say to the floor. He just laughs and scratches the back of his head.
"Romeo's that way?" he asks, wisely changing the subject. I smile and nod.
"Yep, I'm just going to wash my face and put the gun I got out away."
He nods, still watching me as I walk away, his hands stuffed nervously in his pockets and his shoulders tense.
Yep...as I suspected. It's harder when he's here.
***
I get into the bathroom and hold the cold flannel to my face.
I feel I need to pinch myself. Half of the morning I want to vanish, the other half I want to stay. I still haven't wrapped my head around why or how my parents did what they did or how Adriana must have felt...that's the main thing that's dragging me down at the moment.
I look at myself in the mirror and start rearranging things. Miles had to come on a day I actually look my age. I won't be surprised if he's disappeared when I get back out. I look positively wretched. A smile sneaks on my face at the thought that he wants to stay here for me but I quickly wipe it off, knowing that means I'm taking him away from something he's been planning since his teens.
Think about that later. Right now I just really need a coffee made by the only person who knows exactly how I have it.
I ease myself onto the stool as Miles makes coffee and I smile at the familiarity of the situation. Only I'm not burdened down by the heavy weight of work and he's not getting paid to do it.
"Your hair looks lovely." he says with a small smile as he closes the fridge.
"Thanks," I smile back tucking the fringe away nervously. "When did you get here?"
"Uhhh, you'd only been gone five minutes apparently."
"Oh. Was Joe nice to you?"
He chuckles and rests his back against the fridge as Romeo splutters into action.
"Relatively." He replies with an eyebrow raised at me. I look down and laugh, knowing that can't be good. Miles laughs at this, folding his arms and smirking at me. "And you wondered why I was jealous." I keep my head down not knowing what to say and Miles keeps his eyes on me. "I'm glad you have good friends though...really. I'm even glad he threatened to bury me if I hurt you."
I look up in horror and Miles laughs again.
"He what?" I ask. Miles just shakes his head and keeps making the coffee. I wonder if the silence is because he's concentrating or if he's worrying. I look back down and scratch at nothing on the table. "You know there's nothing going on between him and I though aye?"
He looks at me over his shoulder and nods.
"Yeah...I was more worried about Romeo." he says lightly. I smile.
"You should be. What we have is beautiful."
He chuckles and I laugh a bit also, rubbing my watery eyes. A coffee is slid towards me and I smile, taking it. Miles leans over the bench, watching me take a mouthful. I sigh, remembering all over again just how good coffee can be.
"Thank you. Best coffee I've had since I saw you last time. How do you do it?"
He just gives me a wicked grin.
"Not telling. Once your sane, it's all I'll have."
I laugh again, wondering why tears are still coming out despite the laughing. Miles gives me a sympathetic smile and looks outside.
"Sun?" he suggests. I rub my eyes and nod.
"Yeah, can you take my coffee out for me. I'll grab cake." I climb off the seat and go to the fridge where I proceed to pull out a couple of beers and some carrot cake left over from Dianne's visit a few days ago. "When do you have to go again?" I ask him.
"The wedding is on Saturday night. I'm hoping to arrive in the morning then come back as soon as I can. Day after the wedding maybe...depending on how things go here." I glance at Miles nervously and he smiles. "or it can wait. . . I don't mind." he opens the sliding door and waits for me to go through but I stop next to him trying to think of a way of explaining how I want him to stay but don't at the same time. It's hardly surprising that nothing comes out. "We'll talk about it later, Nina. Don't worry about it now. I just want to catch up with you first...like old times yeah?" He smiles but his eyes aren't as tranquil as I'm used to seeing them. I can tell he's genuinely worried about this and what I'm going to say...or not say. I give a small smile back and nod, stepping out onto the deck.
Outside in the sun, Joe is slaving away in the garden so I call him over. He looks up at us then down at his watch.
"Beer?" I ask him. He looks up from watch and chuckles, heading over.
"Told you." he says, taking the beer and stepping back. I hand the other to Miles and he swaps it for my coffee.
"Told me what?"
"Twenty minutes on the dot and your out of hiding." He leans on the deck post and shakes his head a Miles. "What's your secret?" he asks him. I look at Miles, curious to know how he's going to reply to this. He shrugs looking a tad less confident and we both ease onto the deck steps.
"I don't know. . . we come from the same place I guess. Dark family backgrounds and life's regrets."
Joe raises his eyebrows and takes a sip of his beer and Miles stays quiet. He seems to have transformed into a completely different person. He's all of a sudden subdued. Usually he looks so confidant. I wonder if Joe has intimidated him a bit too much or maybe it's something else completely. I forgot how hard this man is to read.
"Speaking of which." Joe says, looking at me. "I'm guessing it was pretty bad."
I just raise my eyebrows and take another mouthful of my coffee. The sweet taste goes unnoticed as the familiar taste of anger sneaks back into my throat. Joe keeps looking at me as does Miles, each one equally as worried as the next.
"I'm not going to make you relate the whole thing back to me if you don't want to." Joe says. I shake my head to dismiss the comment.
"No, it's fine." I say quietly and look at Miles, "Can't help if you don't know, right?" He gives a small smile back and a nod of encouragement. "Besides, I'm hoping if I say it all myself, it will make that little bit more sense. What I gave you was just angry half thoughts; I'm surprised you understood me actually..."
"Only because you haven't had six cups of coffee." he says quietly. "That's when it gets tricky."
"Worse when she's had none." Joe mumbles.
"Really?" I frown, "Were playing Lets Gang up on Nina, now."
"Were not ganging up." Joe says, sitting down on the other end of the steps. "Were just uh..."
"Comparing notes." Miles finishes with a light smile at me. I unwittingly smile back and pull the cake towards me.
"Okay...lets get this over with." I start before delving back into the dark abyss that is my family history. I knew I'd start crying again, I knew I'd get worked up again and clearly Miles knew this too as every time I looked up from my shaking hands, he was sitting that tiny bit closer until by the end, I was crying on his shoulder. Not that I remember getting there.
Joe is also a bit closer with a thoughtful look on his face and his beer half suspended to his lips. The story has been related, as have the feelings that come with it. Going over it again may not have been a good idea after all.
"So..." Joe starts, "After Adriana had found you all gone, she came back here?" I nod into Miles shoulder feeling as though it was me they had deserted and not her. "Why did your grandparents not say anything?" He then asks almost to himself. I sit up to answer anyway, wiping my eyes.
"I was only nine when she left and my parents had lead them to believe Adriana was already in London waiting for us." I sniff, wondering if they can even understand me, "The move to London made them sick. They weren't well as it was. Nona had the beginnings of Alzheimers and my grandfather moved to an old people's home to be closer to her. I hardly saw them."
"And your parents?" he asks.
"Didn't speak of her let alone explain what had gone on. I gave up asking after a while. . . wish I hadn't..."
"What could you have done, hm?" Miles asks softly as he keeps his arm around me, "You would have spent most of your life hating your parents and not knowing where Adriana was anyway. That's not much of a life..."
"Neither was the one I had! My childhood was spent in boarding schools and the job that sucked the joy out of everything I did. If both Adriana and I were trying to get in contact with each other, we may have found each sooner, maybe..."
"Nina..." Miles tries to interrupt but the thoughts keep reeling around in my head.
"...maybe I could have been here when she got sick and she wouldn't have died with no family there..."
"Nina!" Miles cuts me off a little louder. I stop this time and look at the freakishly calm man, swallowing the pineapple sized lump in my throat. "You're killing yourself with all these maybes. Don't try and think about what it would have been like if things were different. It will just make you feel worse. You can cry about how horrible they were or what she went through but don't go into the maybes and what if's. It's torturous."
"I can't help it." I say, rubbing my eyes hard. "They keep boring holes in my head and making me confused and...guilty all over again."
"Then think of it like this..." he says gently, pulling my hands off my eyes and holding them in place. "Adriana had the life you wanted, right? Friends who cared about her, places she loved going. She loved it here. . . that's what you told me, right?" I nod solemnly in reply, "If things had been different, so would all of that. That's not what she would have wanted. What you have now, this beautiful house in a beautiful place, a job you're finally excited about, people who care about you and people you care about...you don't want that to change. Yes, okay, it would have been better if Adriana was still here but nothing in the past would have stopped her from getting sick. There's no reason to feel guilty; she had a great life here and she knew she had a sister who cared so why think of how you could have changed it...hm?"
I keep my eyes on the very certain looking man, astounded at his ability to make everything my head panics about turn into dust. I look down and close my eyes trying to stop my selfish side from just telling him to stay.
This is interrupted by a low whistle. My head snaps up to Joe who is just shaking his head as he sips at his beer.
"Smooth." he nods to Miles. "No, really. Seeing it in action has just reaffirmed why nobody else has had a chance." I feel Miles' eyes fall on me at this comment so I do my best to ignore the gaze which I've recently likened to The Tone. "He raises a point though..." Joe continues, softening his tone. "Adriana wouldn't have let you come over here to help her anyway. She wouldn't take any help for free. I had a constant supply of beer just for doing her lawn. Lady up the road tried making meals for her but Addie would send the container back with a different meal in it."
"I still could have been there."
"'Could have' is the same as 'maybe' and 'what if', Nina." Miles tells me. I screw up my face and wipe my eyes again willing the subject out of my head.
"Can we not talk about it any more? I feel as though the subject is robbing the time you have here..."
"Depends how long I'm here." Miles says, letting go of my hands and standing up with my empty cup. "Want another coffee? Then you can show me around?"
I smile up at him and nod.
"Thanks."
He then looks at Joe, uneasiness in his eyes again.
"Joe?"
"Na, I'll head home for lunch now that I know this one's gonna be alright."
I stand up also, wipe my face again and take a step towards him.
"I'm going to give you a platonic hug as a form of thanks. You won't get many from me but I do appreciate how helpful you've been through all this."
"I don't hug." Joe says with a painful look on his face.
"Neither do I so this will suck for both of us but it needs to be done. Come on. Lets get it over with."
Joe shakes his head and I can hear Miles laughing. I glance at him and he picks up the half eaten cake.
"Go on, I was just wondering what I had been so worried about." Then he heads inside with a chuckle so I focus on Joe again. He sighs.
"You're seriously going to hug me?"
"Yes." I say putting my arms out. "Just think, you'll never have to get one from me until you propose to Teresa."
He coughs at this wide-eyed and steps back.
"I haven't talked to her let alone anything else..."
"Who's fault is that?"
"You expect me to hug you after that?" he scoffs and finishes the last of his beer. "I'll be back in the garden in an hour. Glad you feel better..."
"Joe?" I call out. He stops and turns around, "Can you not tell the girls Miles is here? He's only here a couple of days and I haven't really..."
"Got it." he nods.
"Ta and thanks again."
"Tell your pommy friend I mean what I said..."
"Uha." I smile, wiping my leaky eyes again "Which garden exactly would you be burying him in?"
Joe throws me a grin. The one I know not to trust.
"A bit in each."
I scoff, appalled at his answer and slowly turn around to face the house.
Inside, I see Miles leaning back against the fridge with his eyes closed. He looks so exhausted and I feel bad that I've had a considerable amount to do with that. It still hasn't settled in my mind that he's actually here...in Tasmania...in my house.
The last time I saw him, I hardly knew anything about him- only that he sang, was single and that he knew how to treat a woman when her sister died. We've talked so much, I still haven't made the connection between the Miles I talked to so often on the phone and the Miles that's now standing in my kitchen. This one is harder to think about ending things with though. Probably because he's here in person and looks at me as though he knows I could break his heart at any moment.
Miles opens his eyes and notices me watching him. I too realize I've just been standing here just "observing" so quickly look down and make my way inside. I can feel Miles' eyes on me as I walk past him and to the bench to put down Joe's empty beer bottle.
"You look tired." I say, not looking at him but hoping he'll think that's why I was watching him.
"A little." he replies quietly.
"You can sit down if you like. I'll make the coffee."
He moves to the breakfast bar and leans on it, his arms folded and his eyes following me around the kitchen. I wonder if he knows how unnerving it is being at the receiving end of it. I swallow hard and try not to notice but the fact that I still haven't got any further with the coffee suggests otherwise. I run my fingers through my fringe and push the button, half watching Miles watching me and half watching Romeo not doing what he's supposed to.
I let out a sigh and step back, gesturing to the coffee machine.
"We both know I don't know what I'm doing so..." I keep gesturing weakly at the spot I was standing in. Miles smiles ever so slightly and steps in it.
"Told you it's all I have." he winks.
"Mmm." I mumble, walking around the bench and sitting on a stool. With my head rested on my hand, I watch him as he makes the coffee, hoping to figure out what his secret is. Instead, though I end up just watching him and trying to grapple with the fact that he's in my kitchen, with my coffee machine. It feels strange yet he looks so comfortable there...although he is very quiet.
Finally he stops what he's doing and turns around, eyes closed but a small smile on his face.
"Can you not do that?" he asks. I raise an eyebrow at him.
"What?"
"That. Sit there and just...watch me like that. It's driving me insane..."
I scoff at this and go to explain he was just doing it to me but decide against it, I just go red and look down instead.
"Hypocrite." I mumble under my breath. He turns back around and finishes the coffee before sliding it towards me and cradling his own in his hands, his elbows resting on the counter in front of me. I still feel as though if I reached out touch him, he would evaporate, like he's here in my mind but not in person.
My brain already feels swollen over everything Charlie has told me and now Miles is here on top of that wanting to talk about...I'm scared to know what. I close my eyes, feeling the pressure of the tears building up and the panic working its way up my nerves once again.
"You alright?" Miles voice asks gently. I feel the tears start to wet my hand and I shake my head putting the coffee down.
"My parents deserted their daughter." I say in a disgusted tone, the severity of their actions hitting me all over again. I stand up and take a step back rubbing my eyes. "I have to process all...this." I gesture around me and keep backing away, trying not to look at him. I then turn around and head up the hallway to my bedroom, hoping Miles doesn't follow.
I need to think...about what's happened, about what my parents had done and what Adriana went through. I need to think about it without Miles telling me its okay. I need it to not be okay for a while.
I close the door behind me and sit on the floor wondering if I should cry or . . .what?
How am I supposed to do this when I have no family to yell at? Nobody to demand an explanation from. I'm angry at people I can't argue with and I'm heartbroken for a person I can't comfort. How am I supposed to grasp this? How did Adriana grasp this? How did she manage to go through day to day life knowing her parents deserted her. Maybe that's where her positive, happy-go lucky attitude came in. I suppose she had to be like that or she'd drive herself mad like I am now. I rest my head against the door and sigh.
I know that I'll eventually get past certain aspects of this, but knowing that I'll never be able to think of my parents in the same light is making me tense. I can feel my jaw clenching, I can feel my shoulders setting like concrete and there's a hard lump in the core of my stomach, all explained only by the sheer hatred.
Its not even anger any more. I hate my parents for what they did. My mouth feels dirty at even the thought of hating someone that much, but I do.
They abandoned a sixteen year old girl. Their own flesh and blood. My sister. For what? To save money! How can money be thicker than blood to them?!
She was sixteen...still a kid really. Sixteen.
The lump in my stomach tightens and I stand up. Thinking isn't helping. Why did I think it would? It's just making this worse.
I slam my door open and storm out to the other aspect of my life I wasn't expecting.
***
Before opening the hallway door I stop and try to take a deep breath, hoping to melt or at least slightly defrost the mood I've worked myself into. It doesn't work, which makes me more frustrated so I open the door, my frown even more furious.
Miles looks as though he's been pacing but he stops when he sees me, looking unsure how to approach; his hands stuffed in his pockets, his shoulders tense and a concerned frown on his already tired face. Why did he have to chose today to come?
I flop onto the stool and pick up the coffee I left behind only to realize it's gone cold. I push it away from me with a sigh and drop my head in my hands, the pressure of everything closing in around me. The guilt is fiercer, the hatred stronger and the sadness darker.
I can hear Miles getting closer and I swear if he puts an arm around me or touches me, I'll snap. I don't know how but I will.
I close my eyes, still trying to work through this anger but not succeeding. My foot keeps tapping furiously and I'm on edge as to what Miles is doing.
I hear the coffee cup slide away from me and then the purr of Romeo starting up again, all of this is done in absolute silence.
How am I going to cope without him? I sure can't sort out my problems by myself, I've just confirmed that.
I hear a cup slide across the table towards me and by the time I look up, Miles is back on the other side of the kitchen, tidying up. I want to remember my manners but I'm scared I'll say something in the wrong tone so I say nothing. Instead I just take the coffee, foot still tapping and stomach still tight.
I don't trust myself to speak or act when I'm this angry. I don't want to hurt him yet again.
"I came at the wrong time didn't I?" his scarily calm voice asks. Despite my foul mood, I'm curious as to what he means so my head whips up to look at him. Miles stays at the other end of the kitchen watching me with those damn calm eyes of his. He looks down, wiping his fingers on a tea-towel "Usually you have the breakdown before I get to talk to you."
I look down this time and sip my coffee, contemplating his theory. It would explain the useless job I just did trying to fix things myself.
Miles runs his fingers through his hair and steps forward ever so slightly.
"I was going to have a look at the garden so...I'll let you finish your coffee." he keeps his eyes on me a moment longer before giving a nervous smile then leaving. I watch him leave, knowing I should probably be a good host and follow him out . . . but I'm so angry, what could I possible say or do? I let out a sigh and finish the last mouthful of my coffee.
I don't want to take everything out on Miles when he's been so good. He's even giving me some space and he's only just arrived. He came here on a whim to make sure I was okay and to see me. The least I can do is spend some time with him.
I need to postpone being angry at my parents...somehow. At the moment it seems impossible but Miles' company has the habit of calming me, and staying angry at people who aren't around any more can't be healthy. I rub my eyes and get up.
I can't promise I can be smiley and happy but the least I can do is spend time with him.
After having a glass of water and washing my fury-filled face, I make my way down the deck stairs to where Miles is meandering through the now definite squares of garden. He looks at me and smiles ever so slightly as I walk quietly beside him.
For a while we just walk. I was expecting him to have said something by now but the contented silence between us has lessened the severity of my frown and undone a few of the knots in my stomach. I still don't trust myself to speak though.
"That's nice." he says pointing to a bush with weird looking flowers on them. "Haven't seen those before." There's another silence and we stop at another section 'the celery garden that's not.' He bends down to look at the labels in front or them then he looks up at me confused. "I thought you hated celery..."
I roll my eyes.
"I do. They're not all celery...just Joe getting me back for something."
He just nods and points to the now soggy but still readable cardboard gravestone.
"Mucher?" he asks. I look at it myself not knowing what he's talking about then unwittingly smile, remembering. He smiles slightly as well and stands back up properly. "It's getting quite warm actually." He says, looking up at the sun.
"You are in jeans." I point out quietly. He looks back at me and nods.
"Force of habit." There's a brief silence and he looks down, "Do you want to show me the rest of the garden?" he asks. The small smile on my face dissipates and I look down as well.
"I suppose we should talk about...about...the other stuff." I say timidly. Miles looks back up, his eyes still calm and he shakes his head.
"Not yet." he says quietly, "We haven't caught up yet and you have enough on your plate. Lets leave it till after I get back."
"But..."
"Nina, you still have all this new stuff about your parents to deal with. I want to talk about it when you have a clear head. Think about it for a while."
"About what? What's it?" I almost snap.
"Me...being here...for good." he replies. "I don't want you to say yes just so I don't get hurt but I also don't want you saying no because of something as invalid as age...or you feeling as though I'm too good for you. When I get back we can have a proper sit down, you can ask your questions, I can ask mine and you can make a decision based on facts. For now though, I just want to catch up with a friend who I've missed like hell...yeah?"
I watch him and nod, knowing deep down that the longer I drag this out the harder it will be but I'm tired and admittedly still furious. It should be done when the both of us are a tad less exhausted and ready to rip somebody's head off in effigy.
"Okay." I say. He nods back, a slight smile on his face and we start walking slowly through the garden again.
"Good. So! When do I get to see this café? Are you going to save some painting for me to do?"
"Sure. That's a while off yet but I'll take you there tomorrow if you like."
"Okay." he nods, "Have you been to the botanical gardens yet?"
I raise a confused eyebrow.
"They have botanical gardens?"
"Yeah, really beautiful apparently. They also have this walk above a forest which looks good."
"Oh... well what if tomorrow we go and be annoying tourists? I didn't have plans other than locking myself in the house and crying myself to sleep."
He chuckles a little and stops at the end of a path, his smile faltering.
"Can I take you out for dinner and the dessert I owe you?"
I watch how unsure and nervous he all of a sudden is and I smile .
"If you like. I know a good place."
"Tonight?" he asks. "Unless your hanging out for an early night."
"I thought you'd like an early night."
"I didn't come here for an early night, I came to catch up with you..."
"No." I shake my head. "I will not let you loose yet more sleep. You look like hell."
"What happened to gorgeous, single musician?" he smiles, his confidence picking up a little more.
"Miles..." I say with not as much of a serious tone as I would have hoped.
"Okay, okay. Tomorrow then. Shoot, I forget how feisty you are when you don't get your way." I laugh at this and rub my eyes. "In the meantime, wanna show me exactly what garden Joe plans to bury me in if I hurt you."
I look across the expansive space of the garden and smile.
"How long have you got?"
***