It hurts.
I'm grabbing and scratching at my chest as if it would help me get any air inside my longs.
Tears roll down my face as I pull out my phone.
Ares.
I need Ares.
My hands shake and I'm not able to see my surroundings anymore.
Everything is blurry and my lungs are empty.
My mind is numb and I can't help but let the tears in my eyes fall.
As my panic attack is full on hitting me, I'm finally able to dial the right number.
Ares picks up almost immediately, "hey theny" he greets me with some stupid nickname he made up long ago- like a few years ago.
"A-Ares" I whimper out as my body shakes.
"Athena what's wrong?" He asks fearfully with worry lacing his voice.
"Vincenzo's like J-John" I cry out, hyperventilating.
I can practically feel his anger, "what! He hurt you?!" He almost screams mad.
"I-..no I.." I stop talking and can only focus on trying to breathe anymore.
Black spots start to enter my vision.
"Athena, I need you to listen to me okay. Sit up straight and place your hands on your knees" Ares instructs me gently.
I do as he says, "now gently start tapping your thighs one at the time, look around and focus" he says.
I blink fast it and shake my head as I try to clear my vision from the blacks spots, tears and blurriness.
Everything is formed into each other blurry- just spots of color.
"Tell me what you can see" he tells me.
I'm breathing too fast to even try to get a word into.
I think Ares noticed that so he tells me to close my eyes for a second and to take a deep breath with him.
I try to take in a breath but once more can't do it, "I c-can't" I start hyperventilating even faster.
"Athena I need you to try Rosie" he says lovingly.
A tear falls down my face, he used to call me that all the time, Ares did too but only occasionally.
I take a deeper breath before a small sob escapes my lips.
Don't cry
I can't cry
"Good, again" he says.
Once more I do as he wants, then he tells me to open my eyes.
I do that and even though I'm still hyperventilating, my vision isn't as blurry as before.
"Now tell me what you can see"
"T-the bed" I tell him.
He hums, "have you been in that bed already?" He asks.
I'm the one to hum now.
"And how did it feel? Is it a soft matras?"
"It's s-soft" I tell him.
"Now imagine yourself lying down in that soft bed, if you want you can try to get up and lie down in it" he tells me.
I don't stand up knowing that I don't have the strength for it.
"Now close your eyes again and think about some fun times"
I close my eyes once more but I'm still breathing heavily while shaking.
"Remember when Henry demanded for us all to have a movie night with him." He starts.
Yes I do.
I'd been living with him and Ares for about a little more than a week.
I wasn't really opening up so Henry wanted us all to start trying to bond over things.
One of his first attempts was that movie night.
A small smile makes its way onto my face, "I remember" I tell him and my breathing slows down just a little when I almost start reliving that moment.
"His second great idea was cooking together" he says.
"All the food got burned" I laugh slightly as I see Henry's disappointed face look at the food.
"He opened the oven so excitedly, expecting to see the world's best meal but h-he got that burned food in-instead" I say as my breathing calms down even more.
"Take a deep breath" Ares says.
I do that as tears prick behind my eyes.
I miss him.
I miss Henry so fucking much.
I snik a little but stop more sounds from escaping.
"I miss him too" he says, "I miss him too" he repeats himself but he speaks a little quieter the second time around.
We stay silent for a couple of moments where I take some more deep breaths, when Ares asks me what happened.
"I mean, it's been so long since you had one of your panic attacks" he continues.
I keep silent for a few moments- not knowing how to explain it really, "I don't really know why exactly but Vincenzo reminds me of J-John.-" I start, finding it a little difficult to say his name.
To feel his name roll off of my lips.
"-he was like explaining rules and telling me about punishments and all I could see was John." I tell him.
"It's nothing probably so let's just-" I start once more when Ares cuts me off.
"It's not nothing" he says, "John has traumatized you greatly and if you feel unsafe with you so called real family, I can try to get you out of there. I don't want to see you hurt, I don't want you in pain. I want you to be safe and okay." He says.
"I-....I don't feel unsafe really, well I do but that's only with Vincenzo. Ares, I have a twin I never knew anything about and he-...I just don't think that leaving because of Vincenzo will be a good thing. I want to get to know the others and if I really need to get out I know how to." I explain.
He stays quiet for a couple of seconds, "I get that, but call me okay. Call me when something is wrong or just...I'm going to miss you if you don't call me so you have to." He tells me.
I feel a small smile rise on my lips.
"Okay, I'll call you daily" I tell him.
"Good, now get in bed and get some rest, you've had a difficult couple of days behind you" he says.
I nod my head before remembering he can't see me, "okay, I will." I say.
"Okay, I love you" he says.
"I love you too"
"Bye Thena"
"Bye, oh and Ares?"
"Yeah?"
"Find out everything you can about Vincenzo, there's something about him that's not good and I need to find out what it is" I tell him before we hang up the phone.
I slump against the door and slowly exhaustion starts to take over and I fall into a sleep full of nightmares.