It was a bit later in the day, and the effects of the mushroom had finally (mostly) worn off of Dazai, but that didn't mean he stopped bugging Kunikida (let's be honest, would he really be Dazai if he didn't bother Kunikida every chance he got?).
Speaking of, the poor soul had not gotten that much paperwork done because of Dazai, and if he was being honest, that did frustrate him. Was it too much to ask to be able to work a bit without distractions?
"Kuuuunnnniiiiikkkkiiiiiiiiddaaaaaa," Dazai said for what felt like the millionth time.
Kunikida sighed and turned to look at his frustrating coworker. "What is it now, Dazai?"
"You spend way too much time on that boring paperwork," Dazai announced.
Is he serious right now?! Kunikida thought. "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if a certain someone didn't distract me every single chance he got."
"Someone's been distracting you? How mean," Dazai commented.
"It. Was. You," Kunikida replied. I won't lose my cool, I definitely won't...
"I have no memory of doing such a terrible thing," Dazai announced.
"Yeah well, you did," Kunikida insisted.
Dazai gave Kunikida the puppy-eyes look. "Pleeeeaaaaaaassseeeeee don't be mad at me..."
He really went there, didn't he? Now it's harder to be mad at him...he knew what he was doing...wait, why is it suddenly so much harder to be mad at him than usual? Kunikida thought. "I didn't say I was."
"But you probably are," Dazai insisted.
"Well...I am a tiny bit frustrated," Kunikida admitted.
"See? You are mad at me! WHHHYYYY? What have I done to deserve this?!" Dazai whined.
Kunikida was trying not to lose his patience. "Maybe I wouldn't be mad if you stopped trying to distract me from doing what needs to be done."
"I'm sorry, Kunikida. I'll stop, I promise," Dazai replied.
Yeah, right. "Ok, make sure you keep that promise." Kunikida got back to work.
Right at that moment, Chuuya entered the room. "Hey, Kunikida."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! MONSTER!!!!!!!!!" Dazai screamed, climbing under Kunikida's desk.
Well, so much for him not distracting me. Not like I'm surprised, though, Kunikida thought. He glanced down at Dazai, and then back at Chuuya. "Hey, Chuuya."
"Kunikida, protect me from that scary monster..." Dazai begged, looking really scared.
Chuuya looked confused. "Uh...what's wrong with the waste of bandages? Did he just call me a monster?"
"He ate a mushroom earlier, and I guess he's still seeing things," Kunikida replied.
"I'm afraid I don't follow," Chuuya said.
"Basically, he thinks you're a jealousy monster because he's assuming you're still jealous over the way he and I got along back when I had amnesia," Kunikida explained.
Chuuya scoffed. "What kind of jealous being does he take me for?!"
Kunikida shrugged. "I guess he was traumatized by how jealous you got."
"Oh really? Well maybe I should traumatize him further..." Chuuya declared with an evil grin.
"Not a good idea, Chuuya..." Kunikida advised.
Still wearing an evil grin, Chuuya peeked under Kunikida's desk to find an utterly terrified Dazai. "Guess who's baaaaaaaaaaaaaaacccckkkk?"
"Oh no..." Kunikida muttered.
Dazai let out an ear-piercing scream.
"Gee whiz, keep it down, maniac," Chuuya scolded.
Thanks for almost making us go deaf, Dazai, Kunikida thought.
"Please don't kill meeeeeeee, jealousy monster!" Dazai begged.
"Who are you and what have you done with Dazai?" Chuuya asked. "And I'm not a jealousy monster, so knock it off."
"It really is me! I just...don't want to die yet," Dazai insisted. For a few reasons...
"I'm officially confused. Since when do you not want to die?" Chuuya wondered.
Kunikida walked over to Chuuya and Dazai. "Dazai...I have to admit that you're confusing me too."
"How so?" Dazai wondered.
"Ever since we first met, you've always been trying to die," Kunikida pointed out.
"That's true," Dazai agreed.
"Have you finally decided not to die?" Kunikida asked, sounding hopeful.
"Nah," Dazai replied.
"Well...I'm here to tell you that you can't die yet," Kunikida announced. Admittedly, he was disappointed that Dazai still intended on trying to kill himself.
"Awwww, why not?" Dazai complained.
"You...were just saying the same thing!" Chuuya exclaimed.
"Cause I, for one, don't want you to die," Kunikida admitted.
Dazai poked his head out from under the desk. "You...don't...?"
Kunikida nodded.
"Awww, I'm flattered!" Dazai exclaimed.
"I mean...it's not that big a deal. I'm sure no one wants you to die, so I'm probably just one more person saying it," Kunikida replied.
"Maybe, but...it's different coming from you, Kunikida," Dazai confessed.
How so? Kunikida thought, but somehow he found himself unable to actually say it.
"Ugh, get a room, you two," Chuuya complained, noticing the way Dazai and Kunikida were looking at each other.
Chuuya, what the heck?! Kunikida thought. Admittedly, that comment caught him off guard.
Dazai gave Chuuya an exaggeratedly horrified look. "Get your mind out of the gutter, shortie! Don't be taking these things out of context. All Kunikida did was say he doesn't want me to die."
"Mhm," replied Chuuya, continuing to take things out of context. "And by the way, if you're telling me to get my mind out of the gutter, then yours is there too if that's what your mind immediately went to."
Dazai climbed out from under Kunikida's desk. "I'm serious. And nah, I just could tell what you were thinking by the way you said it."
"You being serious? That's a shock," Chuuya remarked.
"Yeah, yeah," Dazai replied.
At this point, Kunikida didn't know what to think. Why had Chuuya told him and Dazai to get a room? And more importantly, why did he feel the way he did when Dazai said it felt different hearing certain things from him?
"Kunikida?" Chuuya asked, noticing how zoned-out Kunikida looked.
No answer.
"Aww, that poor soul. He's zoned out so he can forget you're here," Dazai taunted.
Chuuya rolled his eyes. "Are you really saying that? You and I both know he gets along better with me than you."
"I'm so jealous of you, Chuuya..." Dazai sighed.
Kunikida and Chuuya were both shocked by this.
"How ironic. The one constantly accusing me of jealousy is now the jealous one," Chuuya commented.
"Well, it's true..." Dazai replied, almost as if he were ashamed to admit it.
"What are you so jealous of?" Kunikida asked.
"The way you and Chuuya get along so well," Dazai replied.
"Well, maybe I don't annoy him the way you do. Ever think of that?" Chuuya questioned.
"I'm just being me, and you're just being you. How come Kunikida likes you so much?" Dazai complained.
"Cause again, he doesn't think I'm annoying," Chuuya repeated.
"Ohhhhhhh noooooooooo...now the jealousy monster is also becoming the mean monster..." Dazai lamented.
"Now, now, Dazai, Chuuya's neither of those things," Kunikida chimed in.
"But he is!" Dazai insisted.
"Might I ask how?" Kunikida asked.
"Cause he's still jealous over how you and I got along so well when you had amnesia, and now he's being mean by calling me annoying," Dazai explained.
Kunikida sighed. "Don't you guys ever stop arguing?"
"I would if Dazai wasn't so annoying," Chuuya replied.
"And I would if Chuuya stopped being mean," Dazai added.
Dazai's called me the agency's mom before, and now I'm starting to see why, Kunikida thought. "Well then, maybe you both need to make an effort to get along."
"The agency's mom is speaking words of wisdom again," Dazai commented.
Chuuya sighed. "You have a point, Kunikida."
"Indeed I do," Kunikida agreed.
Chuuya glanced over at Kunikida's desk. "Dude, it's not like you to have a lot of paperwork left to do at the end of the day. Everything ok?"
Kunikida sighed, sounding exhausted. "See, I would've had it done already if it weren't for...a certain someone."
Right on cue, Chuuya glared at Dazai.
"What? I didn't do anything," Dazai lied.
That earned him a skeptical look from Kunikida.
"Oh no, you guys are ganging up on me," Dazai worried.
"No, just calling you out on your lie," Kunikida argued.
"But I didn't lie," Dazai protested.
"See? You're doing it again," Chuuya pointed out.
"Kuuuunnnniiiiikkkkiiiiiiiiddaaaaaa," Dazai whined.
"I swear, the amount of times I've heard that today..." Kunikida muttered.
"The monster's mad at me again," Dazai said, hiding behind Kunikida.
Quit it, you waste of bandages, I'm not a monster so stop calling me one... Chuuya thought.
Kunikida sensed that Chuuya was starting to get frustrated. "Dazai, Chuuya's not a monster, so there's no need to keep calling him one."
"But he is!" Dazai protested.
Kunikida turned to face Dazai. "Look at him. Does he look like a monster to you?"
Dazai took a good long look at Chuuya.
Chuuya stared back, still offended by all the monster comments.
"...ok never mind, he doesn't look like one anymore. But why is the shortie here?" Dazai asked.
At that point, Chuuya had had enough. "DON'T CALL ME A SHORTIE AND DON'T CALL ME A MONSTER EITHER!!!!!!!!"
"Wow, someone's angry," Dazai remarked.
"Yeah, I wonder why," Kunikida replied sarcastically.
"A VERY GOOD QUESTION INDEED! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT DAZAI!!!!!" Chuuya yelled.
"What is?" Dazai asked, feigning innocence.
"DON'T PLAY DUMB WITH ME, OSAMU SCOTT ANNOYING MYSTERIOUS I-TEASE-CHUUYA-ABOUT-HIS-HEIGHT-EVEN-THOUGH-HE-HAS-NO-CONTROL-OVER-IT-AND-BE-MEAN-TO-AKUTAGAWA-FOR-NO-REASON-AND-MAKE-KUNIKIDA-WASTE-PAGES-IN-HIS-PRECIOUS-NOTEBOOK-ON-FAKE-NEWS-I-TELL-HIM-AND-CAN'T-FIND-A-GIRL-TO-DIE-WITH-AND-ALSO-I-HAVE-NO-SUCH-TASTES-IN-MEN-AND-VERY-OBVIOUSLY-FAVOR-THE-WERETIGER-OVER-THE-SILENT-MAD-DOG-AND-I-CAUSE-TROUBLE-EVERYWHERE-I-GO-AND-ANNOY-EVERYONE-AND-I'M-A-TRAITOR-TO-THE-MAFIA-DAZAI!" Chuuya shrieked.
Kunikida gave Chuuya a shocked look while Dazai just smirked.
"Wipe that smirk off your face before I do it for you, waste of bandages!" Chuuya commanded.
Kunikida was still giving Chuuya a shocked look. "Is that actually his full name?"
"Nah," Dazai cut in.
"He wasn't asking you," Chuuya snapped.
"Well, here's the thing. I'm pretty sure I'd know my name better than someone who hates me," Dazai replied.
Chuuya rolled his eyes. "No, that's not his real name, I just added all that in because he deserves to be exposed for the horrid being that he is."
"Ouch," Dazai complained.
"You have no room to talk! You kept calling me a monster!" Chuuya snapped.
"Oh no..." Dazai said sarcastically.
That set Chuuya off even further. "THAT'S IT. THAT. IS. IT. I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU TODAY, MAYBE EVEN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, YOU SUICIDAL MANIAC! NEXT TIME WE SEE EACH OTHER, I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU REGRET EVERYTHING YOU SAID!" With that, Chuuya turned around and began to stomp out of the agency's headquarters.
"Whew! Finally he's gone," Dazai remarked.
Kunikida gave Dazai a look.
"What?" Dazai asked, confused.
"That really wasn't necessary. First you distract me all day, and then you keep calling Chuuya a monster," Kunikida scolded. He was mad at Dazai, no doubt. But yet again, he found that he wasn't as angry at Dazai as he normally would've been. What was happening to him?