I've been crouched on the floor for a few minutes, eyes closed, thinking about what I could possibly do to fix this. . .wondering if this could even be fixed.
Amongst the screaming thoughts and guilt about what I've unknowingly just put Miles through, I hear the door creak open. I keep my eyes closed knowing all too well that when I open them, I'll see the man I'm supposed to be going on a pre-date with. The man who sure as hell isn't Miles.
Why does the idea of going to dinner with Joe seem so terribly wrong now? Where were these reservations yesterday when he asked me?
A hand rests on my arm so I reluctantly open my eyes. Joe's there, crouched in front of me, not confused or annoyed that I've taken way longer than five minutes: he just looks concerned. I again wonder why I feel absolutely nothing for him. Surely there should be some kind of attraction other than friendship. He's a good man. There's nothing wrong with him at all. He even scrubs up really nice.
I sigh and rest my head back knowing deep down that the only reason Joe seems so wrong is because he's not Miles.
I knew Miles was doing something to me all this time. I would joke with myself that he was making it impossible for any man to stack up next to him. Little did I realize he really was.
"What's happened?" Joe finally asks. I shake my head and wipe my eyes.
"I'm sorry I can't...I can't do this..." I gesture around me wondering how to put it. How on earth do I let down yet another perfectly nice man? "...with you...this whatever it is. Its...I can't. It's not your fault. I've just screwed up yet another element of my life and..."
Joe nods gently giving me the impression I can stop over-explaining so I do, waiting for his reaction.
"Miles?" he guesses correctly. I nod slightly.
"I'm so sorry." And, boy do I sound pitiful.
"It's fine." he says sounding like he means it. "I wasn't that hungry anyway."
I try to smile but scoff instead, still feeling like a monster. Joe stands up and puts his hand out. "I could do with a coffee though." he says. I rest my head back with a sigh
"You're being way too nice about this."
This time he shakes his head as he pulls me up, holding me in place.
"It's my own fault. I knew there was something going on...even if you weren't admitting it."
I throw my head back and flop onto the couch.
"I wish you'd told me. If I'd known then maybe...maybe I wouldn't have hurt him and...and he wouldn't have sounded so crushed like I'd let him down." I rub my eyes again, remembering the tone in his voice and the utter frustration he obviously felt.
Joe stands in front of me and folds his arms.
"I did tell you remember." he says gently. More tears emerge and I nod, knowing he's right. He then pulls out a chair and sits down, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. I however remain scrunched in the corner of the couch sniffing and trying to stop the tears from coming. "What happened?" he asks. I swallow hard and hug my knees.
"I told him I was going out to dinner with you...I didn't even think anything of it at the time but then his tone changed."
"Did he get angry?" Joe asks in a surprisingly defensive way.
"No. Grief no. Miles never seems to get angry at me...I wish he was. It would be better than him sounding so hurt and..." I shake my head. "He's the last person I wanted to upset or. I just didn't know he felt like that."
"Or you felt like that." he finishes. I look at Joe, weirdly annoyed he'd picked up on that.
"Well, what was I supposed to do? From the beginning of our friendship he's told me his future plans. He was always on the move and always planned to be. I couldn't get caught up in that. I want...stability. I just found a home and friends and a life I'm actually happy with and . . .how does Miles fit in with that? He can't. He wants to go to Mexico and India and...everywhere else. Can I be blamed for ignoring how ridiculously perfect he is?" I rest my head back again, my throat sore and my chest tight. "I mean, look at me. I'm not like this when it comes to men. I hardly even cried when it ended with my fiancé. What does that say? And now, because of Miles, I'll probably never be satisfied with any man who comes along no matter how genuinely nice he is." I gesture vaguely in his general direction. "Case and point."
"He just told you how he feels right?"
"Kind of, yeah." I sniff and Joe shrugs.
"Right, well, if he's just told you how he feels, I'm doubting he'll leave you behind and travel."
"He will. He's never stayed in one place for more than a year or two. Recently he's been lucky if he stayed six months at a place and he's been saving up and planning this O.E for years...since he was eighteen. He's asked me to look after his chair while he's gone and he has not mentioned once that he wants to settle down or that he was having second thoughts about going. If he had, I'm pretty sure I would have realized what was going on a tad sooner." Joe leans back in thought and I rub my forehead, lost. "I mean...I really don't want to hurt him but at the same time, it will be the death of me if I have to endure conversations with him on the other side of the world for the rest of my life. I just...I don't know what to do."
Joe grunts, still looking deep in thought.
"How did the conversation end?"
"It didn't really. He didn't want to talk about it over the phone and he said he wasn't mad at me and that...I don't know, he just sounded so torn. I think he was more worried that he thought I didn't feel the same way."
"Did you tell him you did?"
"Not necessarily. I'd been discarding any of those kinds of thoughts about him . . .well, I thought I was. I must have just been bottling them up or something." I let out a pathetic whimper and cover my face, "But...I don't want to not talk to him. He was my only friend in London, he's been amazing through all this. How can I just not let him keep in contact with me? He's the closest thing to a best friend I've had in years. Joe what do I do?"
"I'm probably the last person who should give helpful advice. You know how my marriage ended."
"That was because of her stupidity not yours. Please. I just need advice or at the very least someone to lead me in the right direction."
Joe leans back, giving in.
"If it was me, I mean if I was in Miles' situation, I wouldn't want to talk about it over the phone either. If he means that much to you, this kind of conversation has to happen face to face."
"I know that much but he's not coming for another week and then what happens when he gets here? I don't want to just send him on his way when he's put so much effort into planning on coming here."
"Why don't you go to London before he gets here then? Have the chat over there. That way, if coming here ends up being out of the question then...its okay. At least he wouldn't have travelled all this way only to be sent back off again."
I lean back again, frustrated still.
"I want him to come though...but I don't at the same time because...if he's just planning on leaving it'll... Arrrrrgh! I really don't want to hurt him though."
"He's the one who's leaving, Nina. He's the one who's just told you how he feels only to be walking away. I don't mean to put him down but...at the end of this, both of you are going to be hurt. If...if you both talk it through, it may end amicably but you'll still be thinking 'what if' especially if you hear from him often enough. It will make it impossible to move on or look at any other person in that kind of light because its not 'that' person" he swallows hard, his eyes tied to his white knuckles. "Letting him stay in contact with you will just remind you day in, day out what you can't have which tortures you every day afterwards. It's cruel but it happens."
The tone in Joe's voice has changed now and I look at him strangely.
"Are we still talking about Miles?" I ask. Joe's exasperated eyes glance at me then back away. That's a lot of words for a man who generally only grunts.
"Let's just say, I understand more than you think. Is that coffee still going?" he stands up and heads over to the machine and my eyes follow him. I think I'd prefer to hear his tragic story than think about my own.
"Are you talking about your ex?" I ask, wiping my face and getting up. Joe looks at the floor and back at me.
"There's . . .sugar all over the floor."
"I know. Joe are you talking about Kath?"
"No! That ship has well and truly sailed. Do you want a coffee or a tea? I'll make you one and you can get changed if you like."
I nod watching him focus on the coffee machine, set eyes and jaw. I brush my fringe out of my face and smile a little.
"Thank you." I say. He doesn't look up
"Coffee or tea?"
"Coffee and I mean thanks for all this. For being a gentleman about it all and for not being mad that I went back on our dinner."
His eyes flick back to me and they soften slightly.
"Forget it. I knew it was a long shot."
I frown at this as I back down the hallway.
"I'm going to ask you what that means when I come back."
I shut my door behind me and I close my eyes.
I wish I knew what to do. Miles would know what to do- if he wasn't the one causing the problem.
Miles, the all singing, animal loving, kind natured man who's been my sanity and who always knows what to say, cares about me?
Me?
Nina Merelize who doesn't know who she is, what to say or what she's doing. It doesn't make sense.
As I pull a short-sleeved cardigan on, I look at the computer, an uneasiness in the pit of my stomach. I know I still haven't looked at my messages since I emailed him this morning.
I falter for a while before reluctantly turning on the computer afraid of what may be on there.
Four unread emails fill my screen. The first being from Miles replying to the email I sent this morning. I brace myself and start to read.
"Nina,
yes it has been a while since we've had coffee together. I think that's what I'm looking forward to the most. And I do relieve you of your patient status. . .you seem to be in a good place and I'm happy I've been able to help where I can. Our Patient/Therapist relationship may be ending but we have many other avenues to venture into yet. We have only scratched the surface.
Will call tonight. Look forward to hearing from you,
Your out of practice coffee man,
Miles."
I close my eyes again, more tears forming at the knowledge that what I just read could be the last old Miles email I'll get. I re-read it a couple of times, the recent phone call in mind. The hints about his feelings are screaming out to me now but I know perfectly well that I wouldn't have clicked if I read this a couple of hours ago. Grief, I'm dense!
How can he mention other relationship avenues when he's going to be leaving?
I wipe my eyes and click on the next.
"To Nina Merelize,
Hello again. Just got back from seeing your flat. It is very nice and there should be no problems selling it. Met Miles. You didn't actually say you weren't an item so I'm gathering you are. Seems nice enough and you'll be glad to know he has my seal of approval. Not to be taken lightly as my standards for you are high.
Although he doesn't talk much, the look on his face when you were mentioned is all I needed.
I'm happy for you.
Will keep in touch about the house. See you when I see you.
Lukas."
"Oh grief." I sigh, looking away. It's even obvious to someone who doesn't know him. I shake my head and focus on the two most scary looking emails. Both sent one after the other and both from Miles not even ten minutes ago.
"Joe!" I call out before I click on them. I'm already on the floor and I hate to know what my mental state will be once these are read.
"Nina.
I know you're out but I just wanted to apologize for the phone call. I wasn't mad at you for anything. I think I was just surprised or something.
I don't want to dwell on it over email either but just to clear the air, I am sorry. You've been going through so much as it is, this is the last thing I needed to dump on you.
Please don't hate me, I'd hate to think I've upset you in any way.
Sorry again.
From me."
I can feel Joe's presence behind me as more tears cascade down my face and onto the keyboard. Why does this hurt more than ending a three year engagement?
"See what I mean?" I cry to Joe. "How the hell do I end a friendship with that!"
"I know..." he sighs, "Go on, read the next one. Get it out of the way."
I click on it and wipe the fog from in front of my eyes.
"One more thing before I leave you alone. I understand if you want to ignore me for a while but I still want to talk about it. I don't want to end on this. I'm annoyed at myself enough as it is. I'd never forgive myself if we didn't clear this up. Hope you're okay. I hate this distance. It makes it impossible but I do want to talk when I come.
Miles."
Joe sits on the end of the bed looking at me on the floor. Why is it always the floor?
"What do I do?" I ask again.
"I don't know...but no wonder the rest of us haven't got a chance."
I throw my head back with a groan.
"Not helping."
"Look, Nina. I don't know. It might be an idea to let him know you're okay though and that you're not angry. You also might want to mention you didn't go to dinner. Those would be the things I would want to know." I nod but don't move. "You don't have to mention the why's or the how's; just give him facts. You're not mad. You didn't go to dinner and your okay. That's all you need to put in. The sooner the better."
"Okay." I sniff. I take a deep shaky breath and push reply.
"Miles . . ."
"What's a really embarrassing middle name?" I ask Joe.
"What?" he grunts.
"Whenever I email Miles, I try to guess his middle name. If I don't do it, he knows I'm not okay...its just a thing we do."
Joe shakes his head at this and shrugs.
"I don't know...Lillian?"
"Miles Lillian Hamilton,
Please don't think I hate you; I don't. I agree this needs to be talked about though. I'm fine, please don't hate yourself either. I know you're beating yourself up and I don't want you doing that.
Clearly I didn't go to dinner. It doesn't matter what I say to explain why; I know you know why but I am okay.
Please stop worrying and sorry I've hurt you. It's the last thing I wanted to do. We'll talk soon. I promise.
From me."
I look at what I've written and brush my fringe out of my face.
"Is that okay?" I ask Joe, stepping back. He leans in and scrolls through nodding as he goes.
"Yep. Good. I'd be happy with that...if it was me."
"Do I need to add anything?"
"Nope."
"Leave anything out?"
"Nope."
"Send it then?" I ask. Joe chuckles and stands up straight.
"Did you question Miles this much?"
"Yes." I nod. He smiles a little.
"Yeah, send it. It's fine."
"Thank you." I say, pushing the send button.
I stand there just watching the computer, my mind now wondering what Miles is doing as he reads it. Is he a pacer? A nail biter? A nervous rocker? Or does he end up on the floor like me?
"Your coffee's getting cold." Joe tells me as he stands by my door, waiting. I don't reply for a while, just watch the computer. "I'm doubting he'll reply, Nina. He'll just be relieved he heard from you."
I nod numbly and turn away feeling as though we're on completely different planets instead of countries.
My nerves are shot and I'm starting to fear how bad I'll be when he actually gets here.
It's inevitable that he'll be leaving...right?
He's a nomad...travelling is in his blood. Moving on at short notice is in his genes. He craves different places and different people. How long before he gets sick of one place and one person? If he stays, I'll just be spending the entire time wondering if he's really happy being here...in one spot. . .with me.
I down the coffee I've been handed in one go and slam the cup down.
"I'm sensing a huge lack of alcohol in that coffee."
"Alcohol won't help you think." he says as he takes the cup and puts it in the sink.
"I don't want to think. I want to stop thinking and stop stressing over every little tiny thing. What if he stayed? What if he didn't? What can we possible say to each other when he comes? How the hell can I wait over a week to see him? Why did I not realize what I'd been doing to him this whole time...or what he'd been doing to me. How on earth do I fix this without hurting him even more? It's doing my head in Joe. I need to stop thinking about it."
"Drinking still won't help." he says pushing a clear substance towards me.
"Is it Vodka?"
"No."
"Gin?" Joe sighs and leans over the bench.
"No. It's an amazing new thing called water. Drink it." he orders. I do as I'm told, pretending its vodka as I do. I drop my head in my hands and rub my eyes. This doesn't help the stinging or the feeling of my brain pushing against my skull.
Joe pulls a stool around to the other side of the bench and sits on it, watching me panic.
"I'm doomed if he stays, I'm doomed if he doesn't." I then sigh, "Then there's the age difference."
"That's not the problem. You know that." he says bluntly. I drop my head in my arms with a groan.
I know he's right about that too but it's the first useless excuse my brain came up with.
I pull my head back out of my arms and look at Joe who has his eyes on me. His completely non-judgmental eyes that have been forced to watch me act like a fifteen year old this entire time.
"Why didn't you tell me what was going on? That I . . .or that he was. . ." I sigh and decide to ask the important question. "Was it really that obvious?"
He nods slowly and takes a mouthful of his coffee. He knows this will need some explaining.
"The grin on your face when you'd finished talking to him was the most obvious sign and if you weren't grinning, you were staring into space. As for Miles..." he shrugs, "any man who knows you as well as he does and calls regardless of the hour sure as hell isn't wanting to be just friends. It's what I meant by knowing this was a long shot." his eyes then briefly flick away. "It's one of the reasons why I thought this was a long shot."
"And by 'this', you mean the dating and so forth." He nods gently in reply "So the first reason was because you knew I was caught up with Miles?"
"And he you." he adds.
"And the other reason?"
Joe looks down and scratches the back of his head.
"Mate, I'll be needing a bottle of something if were gonna talk about this."
"No alcohol. You're rule not mine." I keep looking at him as he starts to get very uncomfortable. "Sooo, this isn't anything to do with you're ex wife?" He shakes his head in reply, still not making eye contact with me. "Someone else then. Before or after her?"
Joe sighs finally giving into the subject, he rests his forearms on the bench.
"A year and a half after...after Kath left I mean, but before the divorce had been finalized."
I nod, now feeling tense about this subject instead of my own...what was I stressed about?
I then remember so try and distract myself again.
"Where did you meet?"
Joe's eyes flick back to me looking stern and nervous.
"What I'm about to tell you, nobody else knows. Not even Alyssa."
"My lips are sealed."
"They really will be if you say anything."
"I won't say anything!" I sigh. "Grief!"
A smile plays on the corner of his mouth and he nods looking satisfied with my reply.
"Alyssa had just turned ten and was starting a new school. I was still new at being a single father and didn't know everything that was involved but I knew the only way Kath ever knew what was going on at school was because she was part of the PTA so I joined. Alyssa was very quiet and unsure of herself after Kath left. No confidence or anything. I was actually worried she'd hardly talk to me when she got older. Anyway I met someone there, a single mother. She had been single for a while but we...clicked."
I give Joe a look.
"You mean you actually spoke to a woman?!"
He looks at me, bemused.
"Happened with you." he mutters so I gesture for him to continue. "You kind of reminded me of her when we first met. Granted, the resemblance became more grey as I got to know you but at first it was scary how similar you were. Slightly mad, give anything a go...talk a little too much...a lot too much." he adds earning him an unimpressed scowl. "Anyway, we decided to keep what we had on the down low as Alyssa still hadn't got over the divorce and her own daughter had something to say about nearly every man she tried to get involved with, so we kept it quiet and it stayed that way for a good four months but...we really did get on..." I keep my eyes on Joe seeing a glint of pain, hidden in there.
"What happened?" I ask quietly. He looks back up and sighs.
"Uhhh, well. The kids happened. Her daughter was wild. She talked back, argued and was at that stage where she could go either one way or the other..."
"At ten?"
"Yep...that's how bad it was. Alyssa was the opposite. Painfully shy and reserved. Anyway, our two kids became friends. We thought that was great...that it would make it easier to tell them but then they became really good friends. Alyssa for the first time had confidence, she was happy and chatty. And her daughter had simmered right down."
My eyebrow slowly raises as suspicions start to play on my mind. It couldn't be...
"We both knew that their friendship would strain if we didn't work and in the end their well-being was more important so we ended it. Neither of us wanted to risk a messy end where both of our kids could revert back to what they were."
He looks down and by now my head is screaming the name out. I decide to say it a little quieter.
"Teresa?" I almost whisper. Joe doesn't say anything just nods a little. "You and Teresa?" I ask again to be sure. He looks at me, almost begging: a look I haven't seen before.
"You can't say a thing..." he starts.
"Oh my goodness! You still have feeling for her! That's why you can't look her in the eyes!"
Joe shifts in his chair uncomfortably and I just watch him astounded. Him and Teresa? She didn't say anything or even hint anything. She didn't flinch when he was mentioned...I then look at Joe again.
"If you still have feelings for her then why did you ask me on a date?"
Joe looks me straight in the eyes defensively.
"Why did you say yes when you were hung up on Miles?"
"That doesn't count." I say quietly. "I didn't know I...well I kind of did but it wasn't ever going to happen and I'd accepted that. I didn't think it was a big deal until...hey, I asked you first."
He smiles a little and looks down.
"That ship sailed a long time ago."
"You've used that line already and that ship, the 'SS Teresa' is still well and truly docked. It has not sailed and who's to say that isn't because it's waiting for you. It doesn't matter how old the boarding pass is, it is still valid!"
Joe watches me for a while and sits up.
"Now that you've flogged that phrase dead, can we have that drink?"
"No. Why did you ask me? Why not ask her?"
"We ended it...Teresa and I ended it seven years ago and I don't see her reminiscing on old times..."
"That's because you don't talk to her! Come on, Joe. What have you got to lose now? Lauren and Alyssa are adults. They can take care of their friendship. If it tortures you so much to see Teresa, ask her out. What's the harm? You two already hardly talk to each other, if it ends, you just go back to how you are now." He sighs, looking that bit more exasperated by the subject but I decide to keep going. "Look, with Miles its...he'll be in some foreign country forgetting about me in no time and no doubt, I'll be here, trying to move on myself. I can't see us working but Teresa's here. She's not going anywhere. She's single, you're single. There's no water or countries to make it complicated so why not? I wish it was that easy for me."
Joe stays silent, eyes set on the counter.
"You still didn't say why you agreed to come on a date with me. You only gave me reasons why you and Miles won't work."
"Way to change the subject." I mumble getting up.
"I thought so." he smiles back as I pull out a bottle of whisky.
"I agreed to because, outside of Miles, you are the only person I felt I could talk to properly. As much as it kills me to give you a compliment, you are actually a really nice guy and easy to talk to. I guess if Miles wasn't on the scene, I'd have no trouble going to dinner with you. . ." I put the bottle on the bench and sit back down, feeling very exhausted. "There is actually not much wrong with you as far as men go and if I can't be distracted by you then what chance does anyone else have against Miles? Face it. I'm screwed."
"Mmm." he mumbles, pouring us each a drink. "Our reasoning is similar." I pull my glass towards me and take a sip, deciding I'd better take this drink slow on an empty stomach.
"Meaning?"
He takes a sip of his own drink and sighs.
"You're the first woman I've been able to talk to properly since Teresa. I thought it was worth investigating figuring, if you couldn't get me to stop thinking about her than I was, as you said ...screwed."
Both of us have a mouthful of our drink as we contemplate our situations.
"We were really just using each other weren't we?" I ask, elbow on table and head on hand, "Each of us just hoping the other is the ticket out of our predicament."
Joe chuckles a little, folding his arms.
"I didn't realize we were that shallow."
I smile weakly and finish the glass of whisky, trying to lighten up but not quite managing. I once again start to wonder how on earth I'm going to be able to handle this distance from Miles for this next week. How will I be able to focus with this going on in the back of my mind, or rather the front of my mind?
"Your eyes have glazed over again." Joe mumbles.
"Hm?" I ask, dragging my eyes off the particular spot of nothing I've been staring at. He smiles a little and gets up.
"I lied..." he tells me.
"Hm?"
"Before...I lied. I'm starving. Going out ain't an option in your state so shall we order something? I'm not leaving you alone with that bottle and now I don't trust myself with the Scotch I have at home."
I smile, tiredly.
"Sorry about that but if you just told Teresa then..."
"So takeaways?" he asks immediately. I shake my head at him and get up similar to how an old lady with arthritis would.
"No. I have steak. . .but Joe, how do you know..."
"Nina." Joe interrupts rather sternly, "I'm not talking about it any more."
"But it was doing such a good job of distracting me." I moan, as I go through the fridge.
"You're not the only one who needs distracting now. No more talking about Miles or Teresa for the rest of the night. Deal?" he asks, his eyes a stony grey.
"But..."
"Deal?" he repeats. Something in his tone is giving me the impression I don't have a choice so I roll my eyes and focus on the contents of the fridge again.
"Fine." I mumble. I still have my thoughts. He can't take those away from me; my sad, worrying Miles thoughts that will no doubt gnaw at my stomach and mind until I see him.
***
Misery really does love company.
Misery also loves steak and is quite susceptible to ice cream with chocolate sauce. These things make misery a happy person...for a while.
It was an alcohol free night as neither of us trusted ourselves enough to be able to stop. We said nothing about coffee though so Romeo has been pumping them out faster than you can say "you'll regret that!" which, thanks to the six and a half cups of coffee- I can say pretty fast.
Admittedly, Joe and I did find it hard to find things to kill our time and for me-thoughts. Miles not only picked the wrong person to fall for, he also picked the wrong night to tell me as there's nothing good on television to distract me. Something I'm sure he would find funny once it's all dealt with.
Joe was keen to watch Ice Road Truckers but I explained I'd rather have a dentist drill going for the next hour than watch that and that if he did watch it, I would throw peanuts at his head during the whole thing. Then he said he didn't care because he knew I had no peanuts but turned it off soon after when I pointed out I had Macadamia nuts which are a lot harder and larger. The conversation did mature after that. I decided to feed my misery by reading all the cards people had left for me after Adriana passed away.
I was expecting to bawl my eyes out but instead the stories and anecdotes about things she had done and people she's helped has just reaffirmed in my mind how much I want to be here. Living with the people she cared about in the place she cared about. After that, it was hard not to notice how empty the house looks without all her things in it. Joe suggested we trawl the internet for furniture to see if anything jumped out at me, so we did that for two hours.
The only piece of furniture I'm going to have sent over from London is my roll top desk which belonged my grandparents.
On Trade Me, I found two bed side tables in mahogany and a corner cabinet which I'm hoping in time will be filled with my own collection of knick-knacks that don't go together. I also ordered curtains for the lounge. The ones that are up are heavy, dark blue and make the room seem very dull.
After we got tired from staring at a computer screen, we talked garden. This involved a wander through it at eleven at night, pointing to things, suggesting things, imagining things and screaming like a girl whenever something moved. Joe reckons if he had a dollar for every time I said "what was that!?" he could buy a series of lights so I could see.
Yes, all these things did a wonderful job of distracting Joe from dwelling on Teresa and me from the fact I've broken the heart of my closest friend who is probably having a meltdown at this very moment...
After thanking Joe almost as many times as I said 'what was that', I was by myself.
In an empty house.
Alone.
This is when all the thoughts about Miles and what I've done to him start to come out.
I turn on the radio as loud as a person who doesn't want to wake her neighbors can and try to sing along as I sweep up the sugar. I kept meaning to get to it through the night but forgot or got distracted. It probably means I need to vacuum as I'm guessing it will be all through the house.
This didn't do as good a job as I thought it would. Every song that played, I would wonder if Miles would sing, until finally one I knew he did sing came on so the radio was off and once the vacuum cleaner stopped, it was that horrid silence again.
As I sit on the stool, flopped over the kitchen bench feeling miserable and scared that I may have lost a perfectly nice person for good, friend or otherwise, I wonder how the hell am I going to be able to handle being like this for an entire week or however long it is until Miles decides to come.
What would Miles tell me to do? I try to think back to the many times I asked him for advice when I was distressed and he was being all calm and perfect.
Right...first things first- have a cold glass of water and wash my face.
I do so and then pull out a note pad.
I need a plan. A structured plan of things to do. Big things that will keep me busy physically and mentally. What big thing can I possibly do that will have Miles vanishing from my mind though?
Charlie.
I shake my head, telling myself its out of the question. It's too soon. Way too soon.
Completely and utterly out of the question.
I rub my forehead and sigh.
I shake my head, a stray tear dropping onto the piece of paper. I wipe my eyes and start to write.
Things to do:
Clean up the rest of the café
Research colors and wallpaper for house
Get properly stuck into garden
Go to see Charlie