Sanskar was back to his room after whatever happened on the road with Swara. He was just numbly sitting down on the floor, his arm sprawled over the mattress of the bed. When he came back, he was partially wet due to the drizzle which now turned into an heavy downpour. But he didn't have it in himself to change his clothes. What happened back there was something he never expected at all. He was in shock, he felt too dejected. All the words spoken by Swara rang in his ears again and again, knocking him numb. It was too much to take in.
'Tumhe jo samajhna hai samajh lo, Sanskar. Par tum itna samjho, I have no such feelings for you. For me, you were just a friend all this while.'
Was what she said true? Did she really not feel that way about him, the way he did? What if it was really his delusion? He couldn't help but think of this possibly... that maybe just because he loved her, his subconscious misunderstood that she too loved him back. But his heart denied that completely. But then another set of words rang in his head, bringing him to the probable conclusion.
'Enough is enough! There's a limit to everything, Sanskar. I'm sorry, but I think you are interfering way too much into my personal life.'
His interference in her personal life...
What wrong did she say in the last line she spoke? He couldn't help but feel a tinge of truth in it. She clearly said he was getting too involved in her personal life to her liking, a life she would never want to talk about. Yet, he was the one who impulsively brought Sahil's name up in front of her, giving her a reason to push him away from her even more.
He couldn't help but think...
Maybe, in the intention of making her feel loved, he ended up making her think something else. That his love for her was pity! That he thought she needed support!
Had he really failed to understand her? Did he really made her think that he thought she was weak and needed someone to support her every now and then?
No. NO.
For Sanskar, 'Swara' and 'weak' could never go together. In fact, for him he was the strongest girl he had ever known. Stronger than him.
About him? He just wanted to be with her. He never pitied her. He never supported her because she needed it. He wanted to support her even though he knew she was brave enough to fight her own battles. It was him -- his love for her, his respect for her. He loved the girl he saw treating and dealing with patients with so much love and affection. He loved the girl who stood up for her self-respect and for her family always. He loved her for who she was, and that's that.
But one thing bothered him...
Was he being inconsiderate?
Was it really him and not her? Was he really thinking only about his love for her, his wish to have her in his life? Could he really not think about how she felt, about what she wanted? Today, indirectly she made it clear that she was working here in the hospital with an aim, an aim that didn't include him.
But what about she felt for him? His heart refused to believe that she didn't love him. No, just no. He saw it. He saw how hard she was trying not to break in front of him. There must be something that rested behind it, quite possibly her own insecurities that at some point the history would repeat again as maybe her destiny was just like that... the men she cared about leaving her at some point.
But whatever it was, did it justify that she just broke both of them apart like this, without even a thought?! Did she think what will it mean for them? Was it right for her to raise finger on his love for her? Was it right for her to say and assume things that weren't true at all!
She didn't trust him! Maybe she didn't believe he would never do what the other two men in her life did with her. Her words made it clear today that maybe, just maybe she didn't trust him enough! And he felt like he failed to gain her trust.
"You don't trust me, Swara. Your words made it clear to me today! And I can't do anything else if your own insecurities are bigger than your love for me. Or... Love? Should I even use that word? Because you have totally denied that. Do you love me? My heart says you do but today whatever you said... you have started giving me second thoughts. Is it really me who is living in an illusion, all because somewhere deep down I expect you to love me back? Has this subconscious desire of mine driven me to the point that I'm just thinking that you love me when in real... maybe you don't feel the same about me? Or... What if you really love me? But then you don't trust me, you made that also clear today. Why Swara? Why? Kya kumi reh gayi thi mere pyaar mein that you still don't trust me enough, even after whatever I did for you till today?!"
So many questions, no answer to even one.
He felt so upset. He was so saddened. It hurt him. Whatever she said hurt him so much. He didn't understand what went wrong from his side. It broke him that she didn't trust him. All this while, he felt like he failed in winning her heart. He failed in winning her trust for him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Swara, I swear I will break this door down if you don't open it!"
Anushka warned standing outside Swara's room. She was totally clueless, she didn't know what happened and what was wrong with her friend this whole day. Since morning, she was behaving weirdly. She didn't even tell her that she was going out to buy something and just left without informing. And now, she was not opening the door since three hours.
What was wrong? Something was definitely wrong.
Even after Anushka knocking and tapping the door since five minutes, there was no response from Swara's side at all. She was still lying on her bed, not moving at all, not saying anything.
"SWARA!" she yelled. "I'll go and call Sanskar if you don't open this door now! And no, this is not an empty threat. I'm serious that I will call Sanskar if you don't open the door-"
She demanded but soon enough, she was cut off by the sound of clicking of the door. She stood still as Swara slowly opened the door to her room, showing herself. Anushka was absolutely shocked and taken aback when she saw her friend's disheveled condition... her pale face, her cheeks stained by dried tears and her eyes were red and puffy. And Anushka could see how hard she was trying to even stand on he feet as she trembled.
"You want something?" Swara asked, trying to be normal but her voice just came out as a whisper.
Anushka quickly composed herself from the shock, "What I want you to do is tell me what's wrong, for heavens sake. Since morning, you seem low which is unlike you. And now... you look as if you have been crying for so long. I'm your best friend, Swara. Don't you feel it important to share with me if something is wrong? I promise we will find out the solution to it together, or I can atleast help you feel better. That's what friends do, right?"
She expected Swara to show atleast some reaction, but nothing. Instead, she whimpered initially, trying to seem okay when she was not.
"Swara," she dragged her inside the room and held either of her arms firmly, "Batao, kya hua hai?"
"Kuch nahi hua, Anushka." She avoided looking into her eyes.
"You are lying. I know you are." She concluded before getting into thinking, "Wait a minute, does it have something to do with Sanskar?"
Swara broke into tears when the name of the man she loved so much was mentioned. She breathed unevenly, unable to tolerate this emotional pain and blurted out.
"I... I broke Sanskar!" She sobbed, "I had no choice, I had to hurt him if I had to get him away from me."
As she completed, her knees gave up and her body gave up their entire strength, she collapsed down on the edge of her bed. If the bed wasn't there near where she was standing, she would have fallen down on the floor itself.
To say that Anushka was shocked would be an understatement. "You hurt Sanskar... to get him away from you? WHAT?!"
She immediately rushed to hold her and Swara let her head fall on her shoulder, pouring her heart out.
"Swara, what are you saying? I don't understand anything! What happened? Why did you do this? You... hurt Sanskar?"
As she bombarded her with questions, Swara broke into sobs failing to answer any of them. She just wanted to vanish off the face of the earth as if she never existed, after what she did with Sanskar today when he clearly didn't deserve it.
"I didn't just hurt him. I broke him today!"
"WHAT?! But why? Swara, tell me what happened. Please. I thought everything was fine between you two. Then what happened?"
That made Swara break into hysterical cries, shocking Anushka to the core. It must be something very serious, seeing as how hard she cried. She never cried like this before, never. Not when her father left, not when Sahil and his family left her. Not knowing how to console her brutally heart broken friend, she extended a hand to cup her cheek acting as an anchor for her. She saw she was really broken and awfully hurt, so she didn't ask anything else, she just let her spill her broken heart out. She wished she could lessen her pain, the pain she didn't know the proper cause of yet. What happened that Swara landed to the point of 'breaking Sanskar'?
As Swara was exhausted because of crying so hard, her sobs gradually slowed down but tears continued to drop down her cheeks.
"You know, I really thought that maybe this time, I can do something that will be good for both of us. A decision in which I will get my happy ending with him. But... once again, everything is over. First, the only man I'd ever loved was my father." She blurted out painfully. She felt like venting out the pain she hid for her whole life. "Then... I lost him. But I handled myself back then. Even when I saw my family ripping apart, I stayed sane because I know Maa was heartbroken and I had to be strong to take care of her."
After stopping for a while and sniffing, she continued and Anushka listened quietly.
"And then he came. The man I thought would never hurt me. The man I thought would never break my trust. The man I trusted more than myself, whom I thought was my best friend and he would never betray me. He left me on my marriage day. It hurt me back then, yes. I spent months grieving over my initial stupidity that he was a good man. But you know what didn't happen? It didn't break me permanently. That's because I was hopeful for better things."
Her mind recollected all the happenings of today -- of how she purposefully tried to get Sanskar away from her, how she made him think she didn't feel the same way about him, how she made it clear that she didn't love him and even he didn't love her, that rather he just pitied her because of what she went through. She made her words sound so much like that's exactly and really what she had in her mind about him.
"But today, I really feel like I'm broken. Today, there is no hope. I have ruined everything. And it hurts more than anything else. I hurt him. I ruined both of us. How can I do this to him?! He was the one person who made me feel the way no one else can ever do. He came in my life unexpectedly but made me smile the way I never did before. He brought my soul alive, brought back the Swara I used to be before and now... today, the reason for his broken heart is no one else but myself. The fact that I have set fire to the most special person in my life!"
Before she ran away from that place, she remembered how hurt he looked. His eyes were moist, his lips that always smiled no matter what due to his optimistic nature, they were parted in sheer shock and pale. After remembering everything one by one, she felt so ashamed of herself for doing all that to him. She felt the pain his face reflected at that time.
"And that look on his face when I left him..." She had sniffs while she was speaking, "I can never forget that. I'm responsible for that. I made him like that. I made him feel like that-"
She broke into another round of sobs and Anushka immediately grabbed her in a bear hug. She couldn't imagine what would be his condition right now... the one she loved but at the same time she hurt so badly to the point that he would never want to even see her face, which was totally justified. And the reason for it is no one but her.
"How can I hurt him so badly, he is not just anyone Anushka. He owns the most special place in my heart and now it beats only for him. But honestly he deserves so much better. He did everything for me till today and this is what I gave him in return?!"
"But what on earth drove you to this extent that you took such a big step for your relationship? What happened? Just tell me!"
Swara looked up at Anushka who gave her a look, that made her realize she wanted to know everything. She sniffed closing her eyes. And from there it began, she started telling her everything, A to Z. Right from their beautiful moment they shared together, to her telling him that he was just a friend to her and nothing else. Everything she said to hurt him. Everything that happened. Sobs escaped her throat as she narrated word by word, each and every thing. She didn't miss a thing. Anushka, on the other hand, just listened quietly, her expression transforming every second.
"I hurt him, Anushka. All he ever did was love me and I... Then what's the difference left between me and Sahil?! We both have broken someone who just cared about us selflessly."
"That woman! I swear if I get a chance-" Several cusses crawled at the tip of Anushka's tongue as she was infuriated by Mrs Maheshwari's actions. It's because of her that her best friend was going through too much. And why the hell could she misunderstand such a pure soul like Swara? There must be something else going on beneath the surface.
"Swara, please it's a request, stop whatever you are doing." Anushka murmured softly to her, "This way, you are hurting not only yourself but also Sanskar. While obeying what Mrs Maheshwari told you to do, you are -- directly or indirectly -- insulting Sanskar's love for you. Tell me, do you want that?"
"NO!" She gasped in shock. "I don't. I am not insulting Sanskar's love. Mai yeh kabhi sapne mein bhi nahi soch sakti. Sanskar has given me the most special feeling in my life, Anushka. No matter what I can never do that to him."
"But you did that with him." She said, "Every word you said, every action of yours... you made him feel that way Swara. And if you know he doesn't deserve that then tell him! Don't make yourself and him suffer like this in silence."
"No, I can't do that." Swara whispered weakly closing her eyes. "Things are beyond damaged. He is beyond hurt and heartbroken. Everything is over now-"
"No! Nothing is over... yet. You can still fix this and not let it get over, Swara. Just think, what would Sanskar be thinking about you right now? That how ungrateful you are for all that he did for you till today. That how oblivious and ignorant you are towards his love. If it's not you insulting Sanskar's love right now then what is? Are you understanding me?"
"I know, Anushka. But-"
"Then it's final! You are telling the truth to Sanskar tomorrow, before he leaves for his work."
"I can't." She said blankly.
"Why can't you?"
"Because I don't have the right to, Anushka. It's Mrs Maheshwari. She warned me to end everything with him today, or else... or else she may do something to harm my family's reputation."
"Seriously?! That's what a rich person can do." Anushka gritted her teeth in disgust.
"And I don't want anything to go wrong anymore now." Swara said as fresh tears flooded her eyes again, "Not only I'm still in shock to know her thoughts about me, but somewhere she has also made me fall in my own eyes, even when I'm not wrong. Can you believe it -- she accused me of sleeping with Sanskar! She accused me of doing what I can never even think of doing -- she said I-I was using Sanskar's love to satisfy my own needs. I... I don't know, but I felt like... like she knows something about me that is not true. And after whatever she told me in the morning... I don't know, I just... how can I still be with Sanskar after all this? The woman who is his second mother wants me to stay away from her son. What will it be like going against her? Maa has always taught me to respect elders, and if I disobey her... she will never be happy knowing that even after his Badi Maa told me to stay away from him, her daughter went against that."
"But Swara, this is just absurd! It's not like she has some strong reason to not allow you in her son's life. And the reason she gave was due to the misunderstanding she got about you!"
"I know that, but after knowing how she thinks about me... I can't. She said things about me I would never even think of doing. And honestly speaking after what happened today, after what I did today with Sanskar, he deserves better than me-"
"You planned to set up situation like that, Swara! So that at the end you could give the excuse that 'Sanskar deserves better than you', and that's why you hurt him!" Anushka didn't hold herself back from revealing the bitter truth about Swara, "so that you would have a reason to separate from him. I know you very well, Swara. If things were in your favour, you would never hurt him like this, I know. Just say it, this is what you aimed to do."
"You are right!" Swara yelled in helplessness, as every thing her friend said was true. "I did that on purpose so that... so that there was a reason why I don't deserve him. It was to... to rip us apart." She whispered, closing her eyes tightly.
Anushka pulled Swara closer to herself as she sobbed again, "I know you, Swara. I know you very well. But honestly speaking, more than me it's Sanskar who knows you well. I think he will understand why you did what you did. I think he will know you didn't do this willingly."
"No, he will not. I wish... I can take everything back that happened. But it's too late. I know, he will be hating me for what I did to him and trust me he has every right to. Mai ne usse bohot dukh diya hai Anushka, uska dil toda hai. Woh mujhse nafrat kar raha hoga, jo sahi hai."
"He won't hate you, Swara." Anushka smiled sadly. "He can never hate you."
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I can never hate her, Rajat." Sanskar admitted to his best friend who had come to him when he saw him depressed. "I love her too much for that."
Rajat had been comforting him ever since he narrated the whole incident to him. He just didn't understand how to console his heart-broken friend. All he remembered was that he had seen Sanskar return before two hours but he headed straight to his room and shut himself from everyone and everything else. After much emotional blackmailing that he would skip his dinner if Sanskar didn't open the door, he agreed to open the door and now here he was, listening to everything that happened.
"I understand, Sanskar. But honestly, I think you both should have just talked about it-"
"But sometimes, some words can really end up hurting you. Was me falling in love with her really a crime for her? Sirf pyaar hi kiya tha mai ne usse, I never asked her to return my love. But who gave her the right to insult my feelings for her like that? By telling me that I just pity her and by accusing me of believing her to be weak?!"
His eyes were moist but he didn't know how, but his tears didn't flow down. He was too numb to do that. It's as if his whole body was numb and shaken. It's as if his heart and mind had switched themselves emotionally off, acting as shock absorbers and defence mechanism against the pain he so badly felt in his heart because of what Swara said today.
"You are right, words hurt. But not those words which are not spoken from the heart. You really think she meant each and every word she told you?" Rajat asked.
"I don't know. Whatever she said today has made me numb. I can't even differentiate between what is real and what is wrong anymore. I can't say if she meant everything she said or not."
He got up from the bed he had been sitting on since Rajat came in. He walked towards the window with harsh steps, not looking anywhere in particular. Rajat looked at him sitting on the bed as Sanskar just poured his pain out of his system.
"I was trying to convince her, you know, and explain her that's not what I thought about her. But everything happened within a spur of a moment, Rajat. Woh meri koi baat hi nahi sunna chah rahi thi. I don't know what is it that got into her that she did all that. I just... I just fail to understand what went wrong."
He shut his eyes tightly and supported himself by gripping the rail of the window tightly. This pain was too much to take in. He couldn't take it. On the other hand, Rajat got up from his place and walked towards him, and kept a palm on his shoulder, ready to support him if needed.
"So, what now?" He asked softly.
"Huh?" Sanskar turned his head towards him.
"What are you going to do now? I mean, about all this."
"Me..." He shaked his head, "Why Rajat? Why is it always me who has to do anything? Should I be the only one doing everything? And for her to just accuse me for all the false things?"
Rajat was shocked to see Sanskar this frustrated, but he also knew frustration wasn't even the last thing he felt. He knew how much pain and hurt he was hiding inside of him, which bursted out in the form of anger and helplessness. And he knew he had every right to feel like this. Afterall, he left no stone unturned in making Swara feel loved, to brighten up her dark nights, and now...
Sanskar whimpered and tried to hold on to his heavy heart, "Tumhe nahi pata Rajat, kitna dard hua mujhe uss wakt, jab Swara ne kaha ki mai usse pyaar nahi, uss pe dayaa karta hoon! It's not true! I don't pity her, I love her for who she is and I don't just sympathize with her because of what she went through. I have nothing to do with her past, absolutely nothing! Why didn't she understand?"
"Sanskar... But, you really think she thinks this about you?" Rajat couldn't believe what was happening between his both friends. This was so wrong.
"That I don't know. But what matters is why she even said it. It broke me, when... when she said she doesn't love me. Till yesterday, everything was fine. Then what happened?! She didn't resist when I lifted her up in my embrace. She didn't resist when I kissed her forehead and confessed my love for her. If she doesn't love me then she would have stopped me yesterday, right? And today..."
"Then there must be a reason for why Swara did what she did, Sanskar! I know, she is not like this. She must be... maybe she just wasn't sure of her feelings?"
"Whatever her reason is, how does that justify what she said?" He turned around leaving the railing and faced him. "You know, when I realised that I was in love with Swara, the first thing that I decided was I will never force her to love me back or expect anything from her. Even now, trust me if Swara doesn't love me and doesn't want to be in my life, I will agree with her. But... How can she just say and assume things about me that is nothing but absolutely wrong?!"
"And what if she really loves you? I know she does, Sanskar."
"If she does love me... then what's holding back from telling me!" He walked angrily and stood near the bed. "What have I not done for her till today to gain that simple 'trust' from her?"
His feet that were already exhausted from coming back walking finally gave up, and he dropped on the floor with his forearm supported on the bed. Rajat, on the other hand couldn't see this state of him and he sat down besides him to console him.
"If she doesn't love me, why didn't she resist me coming close to her yesterday?" He whispered almost to himself. "And if she loves me, why is she not telling me? What is going on... What wrong did I do to her that she just-"
"Sanskar, please shant ho jaa yaar. Give it some time, I promise, it will be okay."
"Nothing will be okay now, Rajat. Fine!" He straightened his back in determination. "If this is what Swara wants, I will not disrespect her wishes. If she has made it clear that... that she doesn't love me... then so be it. From here on... I will maintain my distance from her."
"What?!" He was shocked. "Sanskar, are you even hearing yourself right now?"
Sanskar looked at him and shaked his head trying not to break down, "Very well."
"You can't be serious-"
"Rajat, listen. It is said that if you love something, then let it go. If it comes back, it's yours. And if it doesn't... it was never meant for you."
"Are you really going to do this? Like... you will really distance yourself from her?"
"Yes. Even if I don't want this, I need to do this so that she realises that what we share with each other is just not any simple friendship but much more than that! And I will. It is said that sometimes distance brings two people closer to each other, because we finally realise each other's value in our lives. If she really doesn't love me like she claims to... then nothing will happen." He swallowed back the pain that filled his heart like helium. "But if she does love me... and if she is just not admitting it because of something, this distance will kind of push her to realise her love for me."
Rajat didn't understand what to make of this, but he knew that Sanskar had thought about all this more carefully than he did. If he decided that he was going to stay far from Swara and maintain his distance with her, he probably came to this conclusion after giving it much thought. Sure, it was going to be hard, but like Sanskar said... if Swara did love him, she wouldn't be able to take this distance for so long. Some day, she would realise what place he held in her heart.
As for Sanskar... this was his final decision and nothing was going to pull him back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Drink this, Swara."
Swara shaked her head denying the glass of water that Anushka was offering her.
"Drink, Swara!"
"Anushka, please." She took the glass from her and kept it on the table besides the bed. "If I tell you to do something for me, will you?"
"Yes Swara, anything."
Swara whimpered internally closing her eyes, "Please leave me alone."
"What?! But-"
"Please let me stay alone. I need space. I'm fine."
Understanding that she needed some space for herself, Anushka reluctantly got up from the bed and didn't argue further.
"Okay. You rest for some time, I'll bring the dinner for you."
"I'm not hungry." was her reply.
"Swara, no. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you that I will bring your dinner to you."
Without saying anything else further, she left the room, finally giving Swara the time and space she needed. No sooner the door closed on it's own, tears welled up Swara's eyes yet again. The pained face of Sanskar kept flashing across her eyes, hurting her more than ever. Her chest filled with pain like a helium as she remembered his words...
'You don't trust me, right? That is why you are doing this. You are insecure and scared because you think your heart will be broken once again. But Swara, I would never break your heart, trust me. Swara, I'm not Sahil!'
"I'm sorry, Sanskar. I'm so... sorry... for everything I have put you through... for everything I made you think what is not true at all. I freaking trust you with my everything, I would never think of anything that you thought of. You are in no way like Sahil, Sanskar. I know you. He is no where near you nor you are anywhere near him. I know this... and yet... I made you feel something else..." Once again, she broke down in sobs. No matter what she would never be able to forgive herself for what she did to him. "I'm sorry. I know... I don't deserve your forgiveness... and I don't deserve you."
She lied that she would be fine. The truth was, she was never going to be fine now, not when she lost the most precious person in her life.
The night for both Swara and Sanskar passed on as if both were passing a century... without each other! There was silence, complete silence. This was how the next two days went for them. For the two days neither of them heard anything from each other as both had shut themselves off from the world and existed just like a lifeless body.
For they both were broken.
And nothing could heal them back again... except each other.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Two days later...
Today was the day when they were going to leave Jamshedpur and head back to Kolkata, after one week of staying here and work. The bus was going to pick them in the afternoon, and they would go back to the hospital.
Just like yesterday and day before yesterday too, Swara showed up in the living room bagging dark circles under her eyes, indicating that she was again crying, almost the whole night. Even now, she had no mood of doing anything. She wanted nothing more than to go back to her own space and delve in self-loathing and hate herself for breaking Sanskar. This was how it had been in the last two days.
Anushka looked up at her. The last two days went deadly for all of them. Swara didn't come out much, didn't talk to her or anyone at all. She was very worried for her. She was worried for how things were turning for her friends. Which brought her to conclusion -- if she didn't take charge of it soon, something worse would happen. It's already been two days, there was too much silence. A suffocating, deadly silence.
"Swara, you are up?" She tried to be normal to her. "Good. Come here. I have made the tea. Yesterday when I brought the dinner in your room, you were asleep. You slept without eating anything! In this way you will spoil your health, Swara. Just think how much hurt Sanskar will be if he sees you like this."
She kept on rambling but all Swara could hear was the last sentence, which hit her like a train.
"Anushka... Can you do me a favour?" She asked immediately.
"Okay. But don't tell me to leave you alone again."
"Can you call Rajat? Just ask him if... if Sanskar is okay or not. Since two days I haven't heard anything from him. I'm worried about him. I just... I just don't want him to hurt himself in any way, no matter what."
The indifferent silence since Swara last saw him was suffocating her from within. She wanted to know how was Sanskar doing. She hadn't seen him or heard anything about him at all. She attempted to call Rajat yesterday, she wanted to call Sanskar too but after remembering Mrs Maheshwari's words again and again, she couldn't. But even Rajat didn't pick the phone. She thought of silently going to their room to check out, but couldn't bring herself to do so. She didn't have guts to.
But today, it was becoming too much. She so badly wanted to see him, at least for once. Then she would stop bothering him, she promised to herself.
"I talked with Rajat today in the morning, Swara." Anushka revealed. Swara held her breath for a while. "He and Sanskar are busy in the work related to medical camp since two days."
"At least he is fine and concentrating on his work." Swara let out a shaky breath.
"Yes, but... Swara, just like you, Sanskar hasn't been good these days."
"W-What?" She asked, her fear coming true.
"He is still depressed. Rajat said Sanskar is still trying hard to concentrate on his work. He is probably still-"
"He is still hurt, for which I'm to blame." She completed, pain arousing her for the umpteenth time.
She took in a deep breath. Forgetting her own pain, she thought about his. After having her tea, she sat in her bed, all lost in her thoughts. It took her lot of courage to decide to send him a message. At least something, to make him feel better.
'Can we talk?' she typed to him.
"This is not right. I can't let him do this to himself. He is a doctor with lot of responsibilities. He needs to stay the way he has always been, he deserves it." She mumbled to herself trying to get her heartbeats under control.
It's been an hour since she sent that message, but so far no response. When emotion overcame the logic, she hit the dial button next to Sanskar's name on her phone.
She put the phone near her ear. But everything that happened was too quick. Just one beep later he had picked up the call.
"Hel-" she said like a broken sob but the tone that came next shocked her totally.
"Why are you bothering me again and again? What is your problem! I think I have already told you I'm not interested. Now stop calling me or else I promise it won't be good."
Saying that, Sanskar cut the call without even seeing the caller ID and huffed.
"Fraud people bothering me since morning for donation." He mumbled throwing his phone away, hoping he would get rid of those fraud calls. "First Swara is not listening to me, and now this. I'm so fed up of everything."
On the other hand, Swara was too shocked to react to what just happened.
"What has happened to Sanskar? His anger has made him altogether a different person. And the person to blame is no one else but me."
Wiping the tears at the corner of her eyes which threatened to come down, she typed something in her phone, hoping for a response again. Something. Anything. Anything that could tell her he was okay.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
As Sanskar had busied himself in packing his bags and his luggage, his phone dinged. As soon as he heard the notification sound, he picked up the phone and was stunned to see Swara's name popping up for the first time in these three days.
"Swara sent me a message? How did I miss it?"
Without thinking anything else, he immediately clicked on her name only to find a message from her. Holding his breath, he read what she wrote for him a few seconds ago.
'Can we talk?'
'I'm sorry, Sanskar. But please don't do this to yourself. Please don't be angry. Don't let your anger hover upon you so much that you forget who you truly are... and it's me to blame.'
"'Don't be angry', she says. Really Swara? Do you have any idea how much you have hurt me? Why Swara? Why are you doing this? What will you get by doing this? Nothing but just pain."
He didn't have it in himself to message her back. So, he just tossed the phone aside. He remembered he had decided something two days before, and without any doubt he was following that.
Even though it left a gaping hole in his heart.
He hadn't thought of his life without her, how could the step he just took two days ago be easy for him? It was so hard for him, so difficult like anything to keep himself away from her. But he knew, if he wanted Swara to have some sense knocked in her brain for her to realize what she truly felt about him, he had to do this. For the sake of their love, he needed to do this. And nothing could break his resolve.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
"I have finally made him hate me." Swara smiled with tears in her eyes. "It's true Sanskar, you are better off without me. Just look where both of us are standing right now. Do I even deserve you?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*
The private bus that Sanskar and Rajat had hired was waiting down for them and they would leave from Jamshedpur to Kolkata, their city in a couple of hours.
One by one, Sanskar and Rajat went down to the ground floor to arrange their respective bags in the bus. They checked again and again to make sure they had taken everything.
Rajat and Anushka were already down waiting for them, also talking about what they should do for their both friends who were both broken and hurt. So far, they didn't know what to do and weren't able to come up with any proper solution.
Sanskar carried his bag in his hand and used his keys to finally lock the room they stayed in for a week. Being done with that, he walked across the corridor when suddenly he came across the door to Swara and Anushka's room. His feet stopped on their own, not waiting for his approval.
'I will tell you what happened yesterday. Yesterday, whatever happened was all only in your head. I don't have any such feelings for you. For me you were just a friend all this while.'
Just one thought of Swara and suddenly, all the memories from two days back came back pestering him. All the words said by Swara.
'There's a limit to everything, Sanskar. I'm sorry, but I think you are interfering way too much into my personal life.'
'Whatever happened is my problem, not yours. Stop behaving like every problem of mine is yours when it freaking isn't. Just remember this thing. We. Are. Just. Colleagues!'
Each and every word of hers echoed in his mind in the silent corridor, her voice was the only thing he could hear. It pierced his heart mercilessly. The words got themselves buried deep in his soul, leaving him in extreme pain. He had been keeping his pain aside when he was concentrating on his work in these two days, but today... he felt like all the pain that he bottled inside of him was going to burst out.
'Just because we exchange a few friendly words with each other, you started assuming that there will be something between us? Then let me break this to you. I'm not interested and never will be! And stop getting deluded by your belief that you love me when all you ever did, and do for me is out of pity.'
His heart throttled and finally, his eyes filled with tears.
'I don't need any man to back me up whenever needed, if that's what you think about me. I'm not weak. I don't have to hold on to someone for support!'
He tried strengthening his resolve. But it broke once again when his eyes landed on the door of their room, which all of a sudden clicked open as Swara came out of the room. His heart nearly stopped beating.
No sooner Swara came out, her entire body froze when she saw Sanskar standing there, looking at her from a distance. Her heart displaced itself from it's original position when she saw him. Shre, she was seeing him after two, long days which felt like two decades. Just by seeing him she could tell that he was too hurt. She saw a longing in his eyes, bringing all the pain back to her, including the reminder that if his eyes were reflecting pain right now, only she was responsible for this. She was responsible for all that was happening between them.
Yeh dooriyan
Yeh dooriyan
"Sanskar!"
She uttered involuntarily when she saw him and before she could lift her arm towards him as if longing for him, he turned around immediately, his back facing her. Pain flashed across Swara's facial features as she felt the pain that inflicted upon his heart. That's because he owned her heart. It was as if their souls were connected to each other and could feel each other shouting that none of them wanted this. He had become her lifeline in this short span. How would she live her life ahead without him? Her heart sank.
"I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could wipe the tears you are trying so hard to hide. I wish I could take back every single word I said back then because I didn't mean even a single word. I wish... I so wish I could run to your arms and tell you how much special you are to me and that you are my life, you own my heart and I'm nothing without you!" A tear escaped from Swara's eye and this time she couldn't muster up the courage to wipe it. So, she let them flow down her cheeks.
Yeh dooriyan
In raahon ki dooriyan
Nigahon ki dooriyan
Hum rahon ki dooriyan
Fanah ho sabhi dooriyan
On the other hand, Sanskar wiped his eyes telling himself it wasn't the time to fall weak. It was time for him to sort out things. He felt her presence behind him, but didn't turn towards her.
What would she say? She would again assume things that were not at all true, just like she did that day. He felt it better to just turn around and leave. It was time for her to realise some things and not for him to do anything.
But the other part of him, the gullible, innocent, unconditionally loving part of him wanted him to stay there only and hear what she had to say and let her explain her side of the story.
Kyun koi paas hai
Door hai kyun koi
Jaane na koi yahan pe
Aa raha paas ya door mein ja raha
Janu na mein hoon kahan pe
Yeh dooriyan
In raahon ki dooriyan
Nigahon ki dooriyan
Hum rahon ki dooriyan
Fanah ho sabhi dooriyan
Yeh dooriyan
So he stopped in his place. He listened to his heart and this time he didn't listen to his brain.
"Swara!" He turned around towards her but by the time he would do something, he saw her walking away. His hand was extended towards her, and when she was completely out of his sight, his fingers flexed into a fist as he again broke that last thread of hope that they could fix things between them. He wanted to hear her, but something inside of him didn't let him. He didn't know it was his pain, the pain she caused him and to them, or it was his strong resolution that this time she should come to him. No one could deny that he had always taken the first step towards her. And this time, a part of him wanted her to take the first step towards him!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Silence.
Complete silence.
When they were travelling to Jamshedpur, they all four had enjoyed a lot. There was chatting, gossiping, pulling each others' leg, friendship, fun, little fights but quick patch-up after that. But now... the four of them had forgotten what the expression 'living your life' meant.
As they travelled back to Kolkata by their bus, Swara was sitting alone in one side of the bus, looking outside the window, silent tears were flowing down her eyes. That's why she looked outside so that no one, especially Sanskar could see her crying.
On the other hand, Sanskar too was facing towards the window, just lost in his thoughts. He avoided looking at Swara just like she was.
But yet, they both couldn't help but glance at each other in between.
On the other hand, Anushka and Rajat felt like they would go crazy if something good didn't happen. They both were sitting in the last, watching their both friends and mourning their pain.
"This is so wrong, Rajat. We need to do something for them. I can't see them like this. Just look at them. Do they look happy by being away from each other? They are just hurting each other and themselves more." She whispered to him.
"I understand your feelings, Anushka. But... I think we should let them handle this. I mean, it's between them. We can't do anything if they have decided to stay away from each other by their own will. They love each other and can't live without each other, they need to accept that and they need to understand that themselves, we can't just interfere between them." He told her softly so that Sanskar and Swara didn't hear them.
"For how long, Rajat? For how long will this go on?"
Rajat smiled sadly, "For how long their fate wants."
~*~*~*~*~*~*
After almost six hours...
Six hours of tiresome travelling and now here they were, back to Kolkata. Their city.
After reaching near the gate of Kolkata College and Hospital, Sanskar, Swara, Anushka, Rajat got down from the bus one by one and thanked the driver for co-operating with them all this while. They walked towards inside, Sanskar walking ahead and Swara right behind him, looking at him with regret.
'You are doing wrong, Swara! Very, very wrong!' her heart reprimanded her actions. She knew she was wrong. But she felt helpless to do anything. She sighed closing her eyes.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sanskar entered the hospital with Swara, Anushka and Rajat following him. No sooner he stood in the center of the basement floor, he saw two familiar faces standing a few distance away, looking back at him. His eyebrows furrowed a little seeing his father and uncle come in front of him like this. He remembered calling them before they left Jamshedpur, even at that time his father seemed quieter than usual.
But before he could react Ramprasad came closer to him taking quick strides. "Sanskar!" He called out to him and held his both arms.
And it was that time when Sanskar saw his father closely -- he looked pale. There were dark circles under his tired eyes, and he looked a bit emotional.
"Papa?"
Not giving him any response, Ram just grabbed Sanskar close to himself into his embrace. Sanskar was shocked... His father had never shown his affection to him like this, given the differences they had between them. He couldn't be emotional just because he came back after one week. There was something more to it. Something that happened when he wasn't here.
"Papa? What happened?" He asked again.
"You're back." Ram mumbled, still hugging him.
"Yes, I am. So what?" confusion etched on his face. He broke the hug slowly and his gaze shifted from his Papa to his Bade papa before coming back to his Papa. "Is everything okay?"
He could sense something was wrong, he could see how hard his father was trying to calm himself down, but he didn't know what was wrong. Neither his father told him anything on the phone.
Ram lifted his hand and gripped Sanskar's wrist firmly, "Come with me, Sanskar."
"Where? What is going on?" He asked, an unknown fear creeping up inside of him at the intensity of situation.
"Sanskar," his Bade papa came ahead. "Don't worry. It will be okay."
"But Bade papa, what happened? You and papa standing here like this... And papa is also... like this..."
"Don't ask anything. Just come, you will see." Ram said again.
"But-"
"You wanted this, Sanskar! All of us... even I had lost all the hopes. In all these years, among all of us it's only you who held on. And look, the Lord above answered your prayers. But... I just don't know how many more tests is he going to put us through." His voice broke at the end.
That rendered Sanskar completely numb and speechless. Thereafter, he stopped asking any further questions. He let his father take him where he was taking him.
On the other hand, the whole situation left Swara confused. What was going on? And what was it that Sanskar's father was talking about? She couldn't help but worry a bit, seeing how different Dr Maheshwari looked, the man she had known to be so strong-headed and authoritative.
"I'm glad to see you are doing what I told you to do."
A voice of a lady filled her ears wnd she turned to find the source of the voice, which was Mrs Maheshwari. Swara averted her gaze from her, not knowing what to expect. Annapurna walked up towards her and looked at her with a smirk.
"Well, it's a good thing. You know, I honestly didn't think you will obey me."
"Ma'am, in my whole twenty-three years of life, I have been taught by my family to respect and obey elders no matter what. And you don't worry about a thing, I am maintaining my distance with Sanskar ever since you warned me to."
"That I can see. Honestly, I never thought I would be talking good about that below-average girl I used to think was trouble, but honestly, thanks to her. It was all because of her that I came to know your real face on time and interfered in between before you could make any further move at Sanskar."
What! Swara was thrilled hearing what she said.
So she was right. Mrs Maheshwari was misunderstanding her just because someone told her something about her. All this time, she had been thinking Mrs Maheshwari wasn't taking her good enough to be with Sanskar. But now...
But who was it that thought so low about her? Who manipulated this lady so good enough for her to harbour hate on her?
She turned on her heels to leave, not wanting to stand there for even a minute. All she knew was this woman was giving her spells of self-doubt, but she trusted herself. She knew she didn't do anything wrong and didn't have any bad intentions. She truly loved Sanskar and would give up on anything for him, even her life. She would never take advantage of him, never. She decided to wait for things to get settled on their own.
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Shock, terrified, longing, yearning... Sanskar felt it too much to take all in once.
He couldn't believe what he saw in front of him. He still felt like his visual senses were betraying him, but no they were intact! He was not imagining it. It was real!
The ground beneath him shaked as he didn't expect this. Should he be happy, so so damn exhilarated and over the top of the world that after almost a decade he finally saw what he always prayed for even if that meant giving up on his own life!
Or should he feel like crying even more... because this wasn't how he wanted it to be! Just no way!
He stumbled back... what he saw in front of him right now made not just his knees, but his entire being weak.
For his eyes -- that were filled with so many emotions at once and were filled with tears -- just remained fixed to that one figure.
A woman who was lying on the bed, who looked like she had been lifeless for a very very long time.
His mother!
Sujata Maheshwari, the woman who gave him birth, who Sanskar loved more than anything -- she was alive!
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Precap : Aaand the much-awaited twist is here ;)
Any idea what will happen next? What will Swara do now? And what are your thoughts about SwaSan?