"Sleep more, it's still too early for you to be awake."
It was the first thing I heard after forcing myself to stand up. I have wasted enough time by just lying down. The barrier that I casted last time surely dispelled as I became unconscious of everything after taking the poisoned sword that was about to slice Itachi's neck. It is not that I enjoy getting hurt, it's just like that.
Sometimes, I hate myself more than I ever did when I believed that I could protect him from anything. I became too overconfident when I know, I am aware that I could still get hurt. The mystery of my death and sudden come back from the land of living still remains covered and that will never uncover if I die here. I hate myself for all the ironies that keeps haunting me and letting myself be haunted.
But I know that this rage would be dispelled by that same nothingness.
"You should too." I said softly, "I'll take over."
A silenced followed, but even after a long time, Itachi remained in silence. He just stared deep at nowhere but I know, he listened to the words I've spoken.
Despite his bristled disposition, Itachi was a sensitive person. I knew he privately agreed and wanted to voice that aloud but he has a pride. I have wronged him earlier by ordering his co-leader to knock him up so he could regain his composure and calm.
It is true that I did that to him but it is different when you have a pride like Itachi. I could not help but feel rather off this night. Lost in thought. Yet, when it was in this kind of moment. Like now. I seem to have a better stature. I could only hear of chirping birds, breezing winds and the sway of the leaves as it get swayed by the brazen wind. It was rather shooting but I know, as long as I'm with him... it is troublesome.
"Aki." Itachi called after the long silence. I thought he wouldn't talk to me again so I was surprised when he called me. I hummed as a response but didn't take off my eyes above. I was gazing the red blood moon above me, letting myself be enchanted as I became warry of the tone Itachi used.
When I felt him not speaking, I glanced him. I was surprised to meet his onyx orbs locking on mine. He was looking at me with the same eyes I've used when I first met his gaze after coming back to life. I became wary as I am afraid of what was running through his head.
"You have done enough for me." Bit by bit, tears started to run down his cheeks. He took a step back when my body moved towards him on its own. I became worried and bewildered. I want to wipe his tears because I can't stand seeing him cry anymore. Feeling the restrains that he placed on himself to just stop himself from crying out loud made my heart shatter.
"What are you talking about?" I whispered. I felt no voice coming out after that when I saw his painful eyes daring on my orbs. My heart clenched and I can't help but to squeeze my chest in hopes of easing the pain that my heart is feeling.
"I love you... Aki." He said in whisper. Wind started to get rough but eventually it became soothing. My eyes were wide as I comprehend the words he just uttered. "But you have done enough, Aki."
I exhaled. "I don't understand what you're saying, Itachi." I resisted. I put aside the possibilities that Itachi must have regained his memories just like mine. The fact that his tears continued to flood on his eyes made me feel light headed. As if my only worries was to wipe his tears and make him stable. "Stop crying." I pleaded.
"It's enough, Aki. We're okay. It's okay." He said with a pleading eyes. "Let me go."
That's it. My fuse burst after hearing that. "What are you saying, Itachi?" I said in disbelief. I point my finger on him with a clenching jaw. "You... I did everything for you. I love you with all of my heart. You are my world. You made feel like you are my world and then let yourself die." I cried. "You are so cruel!" I hissed. "Why say you love me? Why... let you go? When you know that I can't and I won't!"
"Aki." He softly called. I averted my gaze when I heard his soft voice calling my name. I know this already and I won't let him go. I will never. after everything? No. "This is our chance... you deserve better...-" Bullshit.
"I deserve you!" I shouted. "I can only love you, Itachi."
"My love pained you already in our past life, Aki." He said softly as his eyes became soft. "You deserve the love that will free you, not something like this that will make you feel obliged."
"You are spouting nonsense, Itachi." I sternly said. "I will never let go of you. Not now. Never." I said.
"Aki... please."
"Itachi!" I hissed his name. "I love you so much that it hurts hearing you plead me to let go of you."
Why does he have to remember? I am fine carrying the burdens of the future but why did Gods let him remember the past? Why did they bestow another cruel fate to us again? Why do we have to always suffer when the only thing we wanted was to become happy? It is unfair.
"You deserve-"
Bullshit. "Why can't it be you again? Why can't we be? We can rewrite the future! We can avoid all those tragedy, Itachi!"
The moonlight touched his bare face as he took one step to exit the shadow. I now have the full view of his crying figure.
"I am done playing God, Aki." He said tiredly. "I have had my clan killed by my hands, I have watched you live your life in nothingness after my death. Do you think it's a bit unfair for you? Do you think you're the only one whom hurting about this?"
I had no other words. I used my palms to cover my mouth to prevent sobs to be heard. This is too much.
"Aki-"
"No... stop." I said pleading. "You said love me... And I love you so much." I cried. "So I am right after all?"
"What are talking about?" He asked confused.
I scoffed weakly, "That no matter what I do, my love isn't enough to make you stay. That after everything I have done, you are still going to leave me alone. You... why... why can't we just be happy?"
Upon hearing his light sobs pains my heart but what can I do when I am also hurting like him? What can I do when myself is experiencing another void?
I renewed my strength to finally lock my gaze on him again. After all these years, after every sacrifice... why. Why is it always us?
"Does it not occur to you that I needed you, Itachi?"
Itachi smiled, making me feel wearier than I have ever been. "Staying together now will threaten us. I just regained my memories after waking up earlier and just like yours, I have creatures residing inside me. A reminder that I already died. We both deserve better, Aki."
"You're speaking as if you're telling me that you don't deserve me nor I don't deserve you." I said, eyes widen in disbelief. I can't believe that this day will come, when I will hear him say hurtful things in front of me.
"Exactly." He looked up and eyed the red moon above us.
I only remained in silence for several seconds.
"Aki." He said in his soft voice. "Even you must admit that prolonging this feelings will only bring pain to us."
"Was I not worth the pain, Itachi?" I asked. I want to hear him say 'no', and tell me that he's just pulling a prank on me and even though I'll get mad at him for making me cry I can still forgive him but not like this.
"Yes and no." He gave me confusion. "I want you to be happy and free, Aki." He seconded. "And staying with me will only hurt us. Isn't it what I pleaded you before? To be happy and take yourself to the sea of happiness?"
"Why are you like that? You are my happiness, Itachi. You... became my world. Why do you keep insisting that it doesn't have to be you? Why can't that someone be you again?" I asked calmly.
"I don't have much longer, Aki." He said in a voice of mourning. "It seems that this is just a temporary. Maybe someone heeded my plea to say good bye to you at least. I can clearly remember that even I was fighting Sasuke before, I am tormenting myself for repeating 'sorry' inside my head because I am leaving you without saying good bye after that battle"
I couldn't help but to just cry hard in front of him. I let myself to be seen as hopeless after hearing his reasons. What a troublesome fate again.
"I know what you're thinking." He said. "But maybe we should just accept it now. Destiny is not allowing us together. We have come to this point, to this death and life, time and space... but the outcome still remains."
"D-Don't leave me." Is all I could utter. "I will do anything. We can do this together. Destiny? No, we can make our own path. Itachi just don't let me go. I'm... begging you. Please, no." But when I saw determination on his eyes. All of my hopes grumbled as my heart fell.
"You are going to leave me again."
"Yes." He uttered. "I am."
I laughed weakly, "Itachi." I called. "Uchiha Itachi." Again. "I want to remember your name."
"Don't." He smiled. "Forget about me."
"Why?" I need answers.
"I am merely saving you."
I scoffed, "More like, saving yourself. You are really selfish and selfless. But that's included why I love you."
We continued to release our tears of mixed emotions, eyes locked and was both under the same blood moon. There are some moments like today when myself just wanted to disappear and appear after everything became alright. After the pain eased up or maybe don't come back anymore because this is too much.
Itachi continued to study my well-being. It's as if he's memorizing my figure at the same time mesmerizing. He is just analyzing me there with the eyes of determined to let me go. Was I not really worth it? - I asked myself. When things go wrong, should I take left? I am tired taking the right path. I've become my own pacifist - literally turning like what was Itachi before.
"If I don't accept your good bye? Would you stay?" I asked him absentmindedly. "But I doubt you would since I know you so well. You are just going say good bye and then leave after immediately." I chuckled. "How cruel. That is all you have ever been, Itachi. You always chose to do things differently... I never did become your priority when I... placed you as my utmost. Of course, I am aware that you didn't ask for that."
"Aki, I have to let go." He said quietly. "I really just came back to tell you... one last time, that I love you so much. And whatever happens, it will never change. Maybe yours, but my love for you would never. And even if I'll let go of you now, I only wish for your happiness. For months, years, centuries or more. Destiny may still not allow us but I promise, I will meet you again and remind you how much I love you." He said with tears. "I will always find you and love you eternally."
That's when I finally get it. On where he's coming from. About why Itachi insisted of pushing me away. I finally get it, and I must say I am sorry for being a slowpoke for not being able to figure it out fast.
Reincarnations. Philosophically speaking, it is the rebirth of ones soul. Although this is my first time experiencing reincarnation - or so I thought. It feels like I'm being played.
"How many lives I have lived?" I asked grieving, making him smile as I finally figured things out.
"This is your final life as Aki. You will be reborn into another body with no memories of your past." He muttered, sadness lingering on his voice. "You will forget about everything."
"Are you going to find me?" I asked him with hopes. "I understand if... you got tired of me already but I just want to know as this is going to be my last life. I have so many things to ask, why I can't remember those life that I've had live but I can put it aside for now."
"No. Just like yours, this is my final life as Itachi." I see. I now understand. In our next life, we'll become totally stranger. "But... do you perhaps want to become my bride... if the the cycle of our pain finally stopped in our final lives as Itachi and Aki... would you want to become my bride? And if the red strings of fate were true, it will heed my plea to make my heart remember that I am yours and you, you are mine."
In an instant, Itachi appeared in front of. He caressed my cheeks with his thumbs, gently wiping my tears off.
"I am forever yours, Itachi." I whispered, finally closing the gap between us.
Itachi,
This will be my last message to you. I have lived my life according to what I'd please. I accepted your suggestion that we should free ourselves as this was our final life as Itachi and Aki. I know you're aware that you sounded so ridiculous when you asked me like that but I understand.
I didn't mourn hard when you died before me again when you fought an Akatsuki member - Kisame, but it surely weakened me a bit. Even If I vowed to free you in this timeline, it's still pained me but not long after that, I opened my heart for Kakashi.
He helped me became happy but I know he knew that I badly want to give up my life. He made me feel happy and loved but didn't successfully make me want to live. Happiness is ephemeral state - something we both know.
Kakashi and I got married but we weren't blessed to have kids. Unfortunately, Tsunade-sama told me that I'm infertile. I experienced another grievance, Itachi. I was hurt but luckily, Kakashi was there.
All those years, I became a busy housewife of the Sixth Hokage and of course, a ninja of the leaf. Kakashi is secretly playing cards whenever he's giving orders. He always wanted me to work beside him and not go outside the country. We often fight because of that. Sasuke and Sakura got also married, they had daughter, making your parents feel so old - they said. Your mother and father often visit me whenever they got a chance, Kakashi's allowing them though. He is a busy person because of his important job now, I often imagine you as his advisor but you didn't manage.
Now, I have come to this point again. My death is nearing. I am done listening to Sasuke, your parents and my husband's words of comfort but I know, I am dying soon. I have made them prepare themselves - the reason why am I able to write this last message for you. I have kept every thoughts I have in a journal. It is for the future, that at least, our love story hadn't yet met the ending.
Because I know you're still waiting for me, I want to at least leave something that will probably make me remember you - I hope. The red strings you spoken before, I placed my hopes in that.
I have live my life and I can say I am happy. I think I just have a one regret. It is that I didn't manage to love Kakashi the way I loved you. The love that we had wasn't platonic but a love full of understanding and commitment. But whenever we're kissing, I can't help but to feel guilty whenever my mind keeps remembering you and you alone. I know that Kakashi's aware of that but he really loves me. The guilt is killing me but what can I do? Force my heart?
Kakashi deserves better. I know I'm repeating your words but he truly deserves more. He deserves the world. He's lovely and I hope, he'll take himself to the sea of happiness.
You must be waiting for too long now, Itachi.
Lets meet again, and I hope you'll keep your promise that you will marry me. I will hold onto that.
Forever,
Shimitzuya Aki.