EDITED
28
I have been laying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling all day today. There were no classes scheduled for today and the memorial hall was being prepared for Claire's memorial service.
All I have been thinking about is the fact that Jackson Garfield apologized to me.
I wonder if Matt knows.
I know you're probably thinking jeez chill out Jaycee, it's just an apology, but you guys know Jackson.
There have been so many times in our relationship that an apology was in rightful order, but he never uttered the five letter word to me in that time.
I wonder why.
The door opened and Dylynn came in with Matt following after her. Dylynn looked pissed. Matt looked annoyed.
Ooh yay, their first fight.
"What happened?" I asked sitting up while sighing. Dylynn merely shrugged turning away from both of us.
I rose an eyebrow at Matt as he sat down next to me. He waved his hand dismissively. "Jack told me he apologized to you."
"Yep..."
"That's a big deal, Jaycee."
"I kinda figured."
"He wouldn't have said it if he didn't mean it. I promise."
Cutting our conversation short, Matt stood up and went to sit next to Dyl now. He talked to her in a quiet and sweet tone, one Jackson used to speak to me in.
"I'm gonna get ready for the memorial." I informed them even though I was basically already ready.
I grabbed my black dress and went to the dorm bathrooms. The dress had three quarter lace sleeves; it fell just above my knees. Dylynn had lent me black earrings and flat strappy sandals to go with it.
My hair was in tight curls from last night because I had involuntarily let Dylynn curl it. She loves to curl hair; her mom told me she tried to curl her brother's hair when he was 8 one time. Apparently the kid has kept his haircut a buzz-cut style since then.
I walked out of the dorm area and over to the school, where Josh had also been walking inside of.
"Hey," I said, greeting Josh who had dark purple bags under his eyes and he looked absolutely sleep deprived.
"Hi," He replied, forcing a smile into his face.
"You look horrible."
"Thanks for sugar coating it." Josh deadpanned. "I spent the day at the hospital with Bobbi yesterday and I slept there."
"Aw, how did it go?" I asked, opening the door to the school and walking inside.
"Really good, honestly. She didn't even cry a lot."
"Why do you look so tired?"
"Because I couldn't sleep and the chairs in a hospital could be a little more comfortable."
"Thinking about today?" I asked, referring to his couldn't sleep statement.
"Yep." He confirmed.
We took a stroll through the hallway that had Claire's plaque on it. I stared at it long and hard for a few minutes.
This is real. Claire is gone. She is really gone.
Josh placed a supportive hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. I grabbed it from the wall and we walked to the auditorium. They had asked us the other day to get the plaque before we came down to the auditorium.
I placed the plaque on the podium on the stage and looked around. There were 14 poster boards filled with pictures of Claire. The last one smaller than the rest.
The first one was all pictures of 6 year old Claire, in first grade. All of these pictures were of her good times in 1st grade. One stood out more than the others. She was sitting on the curb with one pant leg rolled up, with a bandaid on her knee. She had an ice cream in her hand with a little girl next to her, also holding an ice cream.
"Who's that?" I asked Josh pointing to the other little girl in the picture.
"Maya Snowden, they were elementary school friends, but she moved before middle school and I don't think Claire has spoken to her since." He explained. "She was a good person though."
I moved to the right a little to look at the second grade poster board. She was standing next to a very familiar looking little boy. She had her arm on his shoulder because, like most girls at the age of 7 or 8, she was taller than the little boy she was with. The boy had a pouty look on his face, but you could see the humor in his eyes. He had his arm crossed on his chest, too. Just by that bit of sass in the poster I knew exactly who that 8 year old boy was.
Jackson Garfield.
Jackson had been friends with Claire at one point in their lives?
"That's Jackson?" I asked, completely shocked.
"Correct." Josh confirmed. "That was back when that scowl was just playful. In 3rd grade, shit changed. He's been an ass since."
Because that's when he lost his mom and dad.
I haven't seen Josh in a single picture with Claire. "So where are you in this?" I asked scanning the second grade board again thinking maybe I had missed something.
He seemed to have all the answers but no proof of even actually knowing Claire back then.
"3rd grade." He said directing me to next board. "As creepy as it sounds, I always watched over Claire from a distance before we actually became friends. She's always been such an intriguing person."
It was surely creepy, but sweet at the same time. I really felt for Josh. All his life, quite literally, he's only ever loved Claire. The only person he's ever loved was taken away from him and that breaks my heart.
I scanned the board and saw a picture of Josh and Claire. Josh was wearing a blue dress shirt tucked into black dress pants. He had his slightly long hair greased back and everything. Claire was wearing a pink, sparkly dress holding a bouquet of red roses. They were standing next to each other smiling.
"That was our Valentine's Day concert we had. I talked my mom into letting me buy Claire flowers." That is goals, let's be real. "We didn't real speak too much before that, so she was really shocked when I gave her the flowers."
We continued to walk until we came across 4th grade.
There was a picture of Claire with Josh and Maya. Claire was in the middle and had her arms around Maya and Josh. Josh and Maya both had their arms crossed with angry faces, while Claire beamed.
Seeing this made me wish I was around Claire back then, and I could've been in some of these pictures.
I asked no questions as I moved on to 5th grade. The picture that stood out this time was a class picture. Josh was in that class with Jackson, Alesha, Caleb, and Matt.
The whole Stanford squad, plus Alesha.
Jackson stood next to Matt and frowned, as everyone else smiled. Matt was in between Caleb and Jackson. Josh stood next to Caleb with Claire next to him, Maya next to Claire and Alesha next to Maya.
"Was Alesha friends with Maya too?"
"Only in 5th and 6th grade. Don't ask why not in the earlier grades because I don't honestly know."
They all looked pretty happy, except Jackson. It's sad knowing he's been so miserable since he was 8.
"Do you know how long it was until Jackson stopped moping like this?" I don't blame him for moping, I just didn't know any other word to use. I mean, grumpiness could have worked, but it's too late now.
"End of 8th grade, I think?"
That makes sense. That's when Lance died and he and his girlfriend at the time had broken up.
That's when he started playing girls, too.
"That's, also, when he started playing with girls feelings." He said, voicing my thoughts.
6th grade I found a picture of Claire sitting on top of the monkey bars, a nervous look on her face. Josh was the bottom holding his arms out.
Josh followed my gaze to the picture i was just staring at.
"Caleb dared her to go and climb on top of the monkey bars, and she did, but she didn't know how to get down. I told her to just jump into my arms."
"Did she?" I asked, still looking at the picture. Jackson was in the background, I couldn't help but notice. He was sitting on a bench, arms crossed with Matt right beside him.
When he said Matt always had his back, he really meant always.
"Caleb climbed them and basically pushed her off into my arms." Josh chuckled, shaking his head at the memory. "He didn't actually push her, just threatened to and that was enough to send Claire flying."
"Was Caleb actually that intimidating back then?" I asked, laughing.
It'd be believable, considering Riley is so much similar to how Josh is explaining Caleb.
"Yep." He said, laughing too.
It was weird hearing Josh and I laugh, happily, especially since we're standing at Claire's memorial service to be.
The first picture I glanced at From 7th grade was Claire and Alesha. They both were wearing skirts and had curled their hair. Though, Claire wasn't smiling too large, she looked bummed.
"She looks unhappy." I pointed out, tapping the photo I was referring to.
"I was the photographer of that one." He chuckled, I could hear the pain in his voice now. "That was right after she found out Maya wasn't on vacation, she had left for good and no one knew where to."
Oh.
8th grade to 11th grade were all relatively the same pictures. Mainly only of Claire and Josh.
"I thought Claire had tons of friends?"
"She did." Josh agreed. "But I was her best friend."
In 12th grade, I immediately found the picture of all of the Stanford goers, plus Alesha. Even Jackson was in the picture and smiling. They were all still in their caps and gowns, they had their diplomas in hand.
Claire stood next to Josh while she held onto her diploma that was in her right hand. Josh had one arm draped around Claire's shoulders, holding holding his diploma. Next to Josh was Alesha and Caleb; they were in the same positions as Claire and Josh. Matt stood next to Caleb, Jackson next to Matt.
I wish I could've gone to school with them. It probably would've made my high school years a lot less boring.
They were all smiling so large and so proud. Claire had been beaming so large at the camera that her eyes were shut, but that could've been due to the sun. Jackson wasn't smiling as large, but it was definitely big compared to how he appeared in all of the other pictures. He looked genuinely proud of himself.
Freshmen year of collage. That was a year before I was there.
"Who's that?" I said pointing to the new face. Claire was sitting on the end of the bed with a new girl.
"Her old roommate, Josie. Her mom had gotten diagnosed with cancer and she was from Britain, so she finished the school year and didn't re-enroll."
Finally, we had made it to Claire's sophomore year of college. Just skimming the board I saw tons of pictures of her and I. My favorite one was one that I remember Josh had taken for us. We had both fit ourselves underneath the sink in a cabinet. That was only one of our many great memories.
I definitely would never forget any of these.
"No way... Joshua Marcus?" I looked up and made eye contact with an only slightly familiar face. Maya Snowden, I could tell.
"Maya Snowden?" Josh questioned.
"Josh...wow. It's been a while, huh?" She slowly walked by all of the poster boards, lingering as she glanced at the pictures of her with Claire.
"This is a school ceremony, Maya." Josh said, with a thick voice.
"Caleb tracked me down on Facebook and got approval from the DOA that I could come to the memorial."
I wonder why Josh was being short with her. He said that Maya was a good person, why was he being rude?
"Who are you?" Maya asked, smiling lightly.
"Uh, Jaycee Gardner. I was Claire's roommate..."
"Her best friend." Josh corrected.
"I'm Maya, I was friends with Claire back in the day."
For an old good friend of Claire's, she didn't really seem effected by the fact Claire was dead.
"Well," Maya clapped her hands together awkwardly. "I'm going to go surprise the Jackson Garfield."
A ting of jealousy hit me as she said that, and I could tell Josh saw it in me too.
Maya walked out the door and I rose my eyebrow at Josh. "What the hell was that?"
"Maya is a good person, but she goes after what other people want. Claire and I have been uh, ya know friends since the start, but Maya claimed to like me. She flirted with me constantly and we all recognized it."
Now I was seriously jealous. Maya is like a super model. What if she goes after Jackson next? What if he stops chasing after me when he realizes he could have someone so much prettier? Most importantly, why should I care if he stops chasing after me?
"Don't worry about it. She should be out of town tomorrow, I hope to God anyway."
I trusted Josh's word.
Jackson's POV-
I was laying in my bed, staring up at the ceiling when there was a knock at my door.
Josh and Jaycee were going to Claire's memorial, so that rules them both out. Caleb and Alesha still had to drive down - they weren't in town yet. Matt and Dylynn had gone to the mall before the memorial. So that ruled out just saying come in.
I sighed and pulled on a t-shirt from the ground before answering the door.
"Look who it is - none other than Jackson Garfield."
Immediately, I recognized her by her black hair and the mole next to her nose. "Maya?" It's only be 8 years since I've seen her.
"Hey, kid!" She reached over and hugged me. I awkwardly patted her back. "I've missed the elementary school squad."
"Um, yeah." I nodded reluctantly.
"You're not gonna invite me in?"
I remembered Maya's elementary school intentions. She was devious 10 year old girl. She had everybody thinking that all she cared about was making Claire smile. Maybe that's how it started, but that's not what it was when she claimed to have feeling for Josh when it was obvious to the world Clarissa and Josh were meant to be.
"No, Maya, I'm not, actually. I'm kind of busy."
"Doing what?" She asked looking over my shoulder. "You don't look busy."
"I'm thinking and then I'm going to Clarissa's memorial. That's what you're supposed to be here for so leave and go there."
Maya rolled her eyes. "See you there, then."
I groaned and fell face first on to my bed. I wish Caleb would've confronted everyone else before inviting Maya here. It was not a good idea.
I got dressed in black dress pants and a black, short sleeves collar shirt. I gelled my hair to make it like nicer than its usual mess.
Honestly, I wish that Claire and I didn't ever start hating each other. Aside from the fact I became an emotionless asshole, we stopped being friends for practically no reason. It just happened.
I wasted so many years hating her for no valid reason, and even if I wanted to change that now, I couldn't.
So life lesson, don't waste so much of your time hating somebody because, as soon as they're gone, you'll realize how much they actually meant to you.
I've gone to school with Claire, Josh, Matt, Alesha, and Caleb all of my life. From kindergarten to now, I've been associated with all of those people. It's been so long that I've built a connection and understanding with them.
I sighed and locked my dorm room door before meeting Matt and Dylynn at Matt's dorm room.
I allowed myself inside of his dorm room where he was sitting on his couch, and I could hear Dylynn in his bathroom.
"Dyl's just reapplying mascara or something." Matt informed me, standing up to turn the TV off.
While we waited for Dylynn, I pulled Matt further from the bathroom where she was.
"Were you aware of the fact that Maya Snowden is here and that Caleb fucking called her?"
"No fucking way..." Matt hissed. "Don't tell her about you and Jaycee. Don't let her find out either. It'll only turn out worse for you."
I nodded, already knowing this.
"Come on, Dylynn!" I yelled, moving out of our weak hiding.
•••
The afternoon...it went by. Physically, I didn't shed a tear. Mentally, I lost it.
"Please everyone take a seat as we gather around to hear what Jaycee Gardner and Joshua Marcus have to say about Clarissa Evans." The DOA called over the mic. Everyone slowly gathered to the center. Some people held Kleenex boxes or little tissue packets.
"Who'd like to go first?" The Dean asked Josh and Jaycee.
"I will." I heard Josh murmur, mainly because I was at the front.
"Hi, as most of you know I'm Josh Marcus. Truthfully, I didn't know where I was going to begin with this. I've known Clarissa basically all of my life. I was the little boy that knew everything about the girl who knew nothing about him, besides his mere existence. All through my life, I've been dedicated to making Claire's life the best I possibly could. I just wish I could've protected her from this... Anyway, you guys know most of this about Claire and I - the fact we were friends from the start. But something you may not know about us both is that we loved each other. We just never actually admitted it to anyone openly, in fear of it ruining our friendship. It breaks my heart knowing Claire died before I could shout from the rooftops how much I love her. Another fun fact about Claire? She was pregnant before she died. About five or six months, I think? The doctors were able to save the baby...my baby. Clarissa died, but was still able to grant our beautiful daughter the gift of life. I just wish Claire lived to see our daughters face." I didn't miss it from here as a visible tear fell down his cheek.
"I'm just grateful I got to spend the years I did with her. I will never stop loving Claire, and that's a promise. She's been the only one I've ever had eyes for and it'll stay that way." He continued on for another two minutes or so, recalling memories over the years about him and Claire. I remembered some of them, because I had watched them occur from my spot on the playground bench.
Josh stepped down from the podium and offered an encouraging smile to Jaycee. Jaycee stepped up and held a piece of lined paper in her hands. Then she shocked a majority of the crowd by turning around and handing it to Josh, saying she didn't need it.
"Hi, I'm Jaycee Gardner. I was Clarissa's roommate before she passed on. Not going to lie, I spent hours upon hours working on the perfect eulogy, but knowing Claire she likes things last minute because she's said they make things feel more heart felt. I didn't meet Claire until August, when I started attending Stanford. I am truthfully blessed to have gotten the opportunity to have known Claire the way that I did, though. I wasn't friends with her for countless years like Josh was, which is something I envy about him and our other friends. Nonetheless, we had planned to be best friends forever. I will always consider her my best friend; just because she's not alive anymore, doesn't mean she wasn't at one point. And that one point in her life she was alive, she was the greatest friend anyone could ever ask for. She was the big sister I never had but always wished I did have. Claire always looked out for me and had my back on any decision I made. She was also always right." Jaycee said emphasizing, always. Some people in the crowd chuckled because they knew that was accurate.
Claire had always been a Miss Know-It-All.
"She told me playing with sharp things was dangerous and...she was right. Not physically scarred, but definitely emotionally. I'm jealous of anyone who has gotten such an honor to have known Clarissa for so long. I envy them. I wish I got to spend more time with Clarissa. If I had known the day I had last seen her would be the last day I would ever see her smile again..." Jaycee's voice cracked, unable to finish her sentence, and I knew right then that Jaycee had reached her breaking point. "Claire d-didn't deserve this. It's not fair. She never did anything wrong. She always went to class, she was smart, she was caring, she-she... It's not fair." Josh put his hand on Jaycee's shoulder, and she turned around to cry into his chest.
Awkwardly, I stepped up onto the stage, and Josh allowed me to walk her out of the ceremony hall, into the hallway.
"This isn't fair, Jackson. I know how you feel with Lance now. It's so not fair!" I pulled her into a soft hug, lightly stroking her hair in the process.
"It'll get better with time, trust me." I assured her. The door opened and closed, causing me to look up.
"Oh Jack! Is this your girlfriend?" Mother fucking Maya. "Jaycee and I know each other. Practically best friends already."
"We're uh just friends, Maya." Jaycee muttered.
Well friends... Take it or leave it I guess.
"Speaking of leaving...bye Maya." I waved. She rolled her eyes and went back into the memorial hall without putting up a fight.
Thankfully.
Jaycee and I stared at each other for about a minute.
"So it gets better?" She then asked. "Like everything?"
"Define everything."
"Missing Claire? Missing you? I just want it all to stop."
Well that's a baby step forward, I think. She misses me, but wants to stop missing me.
"Missing Claire will never go away. She will always be there, but it won't always hurt this bad. It'll fall into your routine eventually."
"And missing you?"
"I honestly can't answer that one." But I hope not.
"I'm just sick of the pain, Jack."
•••
How did you guys like it?
Sorry for such the delay, I wasn't feeling too great Monday night & Tuesday night.
So I'm considering doing a one shot for this book? Is that something you guys would be interested in doing?
Did you guys think Jaycee and Jackson we're going forward, backward, or not moving at all? I think it was like a one step forward, two steps back kind of situation.
Oh yea! And how do you guys feel about Maya... She's a little fishy.
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Thanks for reading!
- emily