No one can grow up within just a night. But I lost my childhood the night Nanny Nenita left. I grasped the reality at a young age that my parents never truly wanted me, that my role in life is to dress and appear decent, and that my value may be based on how I look.
Most people believe I have a perfect life: a billionaire father, a beauty queen mother who was once the most beautiful woman in the Philippines, and a large house with golden pillars. But what they don't know was behind the red curtain, I have prayed silently in the dark as a child, "I wished I was born in another family," and spent endless nights of cuddling alone in my bed, scrunching in stomach pain. While hoping that my mom or anyone would check on me to brush my hair to assure me everything will be fine, an endless time of shutting my eyes, whenever I see a woman leaving my Dad's room when my mother couldn't even enter, and times when I feel like vomiting. But I would just smile the feeling away. Because I can't, because I'm Charm Tempest Veridad, the only daughter of Mr. Ishioka, who wasn't even allowed to carry his surname.
For the longest time, I have been suppressing my tears, and now that I wanted to cry my heart out but wasn't able to.
"You're really here." Kahit hindi ko lingunin ay alam ko na kung kanino galing ang boses na iyon. Nanatili akong nakasalampak sa damuhan habang yakap ang sariling tuhod. Juanna's anger at me was valid. I did nothing when Nanny Nenita left and focused on pleasing my mom instead. I was useless. I couldn't even threaten Mom with my life to bring Nanny Nenita back because I know that would be useless.
"Bonnie told me what really happened," sabi niya kaya nilingon ko siya. Naupo siya sa tabi ko.
"Is that kid okay now?" tanong ko na ikinatango niya.
"You could have called for me, if you're that scared of sparklers-"
"I got overwhelmed. My mind was foggy."
Binalik ko ang tingin sa papalubog ng araw. Katulad din ng sparklers ang kulay nito, katulad din ng apoy.
"It was not the sparklers. It was because of the fire," I whispered. Unti-unti muling binalot ng takot ang puso ko.
"A year ago, I was granted a second chance at life... when someone saves me from a burning room...." I haven't told anyone how scared I was. It was because no one seemed to care or even dare to ask me how I felt after the accident. Well, it was more probably because Dad paid everyone to shut their mouth and never talked about what happened.
"I understand," he murmured, which made me smile a bit. It felt nice, voicing that out and having the chance to take off my brave face, even just for this moment. It felt weird because siya pa ang napagsabihan ko ng ganito. Siya pa na pinag-iisipan kong tanggalin sa trabaho.
"My sister... Laraline died in a fire too," dugtong niya. Napalingon ako sa kanya. So, Laraline is his sister?
I observed the reflection of the sunset in his eyes, I somehow felt guilty firing him.
"Do you have parents?" tanong ko. Nabigla siya roon at kunot-noong napatitig sa akin. Kalaunan ay napatango rin siya.
"What do they do for a living?"
"Uh... my Mom stays at home with her birds...."
So his mom doesn't work?
"What about your father?" Napangisi siya at itinuro ang langit.
"Probably up there," sabi niya nang nakangiti.
Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at napatitig sa kanya. Look at this man. His Dad died at mag-isa na lang siyang nagtatrabaho sa pamilya pero nagagawa niya parin idaan sa ngiti ang lahat. Kinailangan niya pang pasukin ang ganitong trabaho, kung saan ang isang paa niya ay nasa hukay, para lang kumita ng pera.
Where would he go if I fire him? Nakagat ko ang ibabang labi ko. Paano niya ngayon susuportahan ang pamilya niya?
I feel bad for considering firing him. I have made up my mind. I won't fire him anymore.
"I'm sorry," I told him na lalong ikinabuhol ng kilay niya. Umawang pa nang bahagya ang bibig niya sa gulat.
"W-what? For what?" tanong niya na ikinailing ko lang. Naguguluhan naman siyang napakamot sa ulo niya.
I can't tell him the reason. He'd only feel bad if he finds out I have thought of firing him. Tapos na 'yon kaya hindi na niya kailangang malaman pa, diba?
• • •
Bonnie told me it was because of the sparkler. I judged her because I knew all her life she was kept inside the high walls of her mansion and probably hadn't seen dirt her entire life. But maybe, she didn't mean it. It is possible that she was simply... scared.
Umuwi ako ng bahay nila Aling Nenita to apologize to her. But I saw Aling Nenita and her daughter Juana arguing in the kitchen, so I went into the room where Charm had spent the night before to look for her, only to find out that she was not there. Lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko. Is it possible that she ran away? It might be the first time someone had raised their voice at her, and that might have offended her.
I went back to the kitchen to ask Aling Nenita.
"Naalala mo ba ang sinabi mo noon? Na sa oras makilala mo kung sinong nagsponsor sa pag-aaral mo ay pasasalamatan mo nang sobra?" Hindi pa man nakakapasok nang kusina ay rinig ko nang sermon ni Aling Nenita.
"Ano namang kinalaman no'n, nay?" sagot ni Juanna.
"Sa tingin mo sinong nasa matinong pag-iisip ang mag-iiwan nalang ng pera sa tapat ng bahay natin taon-taon ng hindi nagpapakilala? Ha? Iyong sinabihan mo ng matapobre at walang puso!" sigaw pabalik ni Aling Juanna.
"Sorry to disturb you two, pero nakita niyo po ba si Charm?" tanong ko. Nanlaki ang mata ni Aling Nenita.
"Hijo... huwag mong sabihing nawawala ang alaga ko?" Natataranta itong lumapit sa akin.
"Nasa burol," sagot ni Juanna nang hindi man lang tumitingin. Nagpasalamat ako sa kanila at tinakbo na ang distansya ng bahay at burol. Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggagaling ang matinding kaba sa puso ko.
Pakiramdam ko ay nabunutan ako ng tinik sa dibdib nang makita ko si Charm sa burol, gaya ng sabi ni Juanna, yakap niya ang sariling tuhod habang pinagmamasdan ang paglubog ng araw.
I felt my heart beating fast, probably because of running. I wanted to approach her and to make sure that the Charm I was seeing was not just my hallucination, but my feet couldn't seem to move, and so I stared at her for a while. I memorized how the sun rays touched her delicate skin and how her straight brown hair reflected the orange sunlight of a setting sun, and how the flowers seemed to bloom beside her. The sight of her looks peaceful and serene. Something I haven't felt for a while.
I came back to my senses and decided to approach her.
"You're really here," bati ko sa kanya at naupo sa tabi niya. Hindi niya ako nilingon at nanatiling yakap-yakap ang sariling tuhod. It's reassuring to know she's not simply my imagination.
"Bonnie told me what really happened," patuloy ko na umagaw sa atensyon niya.
"Is that kid okay now?" tanong niya. She's still concerned about the kid. That made me realize that she wasn't just a spoiled brat who cared about nothing but herself.
"You could have called for me if you were that scared of sparklers-"
"I got overwhelmed. My mind was foggy," putol niya sa sinasabi ko. Napabuntong hininga ako.
"It was not the sparklers. It was because of the fire," she said which I could barely make out. "A year ago, I was granted a second chance at life... when someone saves me from a burning room...." dagdag niya.
"I understand," I said, which made her smile for a bit and I have thought of Laraline; if she survived the fire too, would she react the same way?
"My sister... Laraline died in a fire too," I told her that made her turn her gaze to me. Another thing I have learned from my sister is that it took a lot of courage for someone to open up to their past. And when they does... you must listen and make them feel they're not alone in this fight.
She was said to resemble her mother, but they weren't the same to me. Yes, they were both attractive. Her mother resembled a doll or a mannequin as if she had just stepped out of a magazine, while Charm's freckles on her adorable nose resemble the constellations. If only you'd take a closer look, you'll see that she has a whole lot of set of wonderful hues within her.
"Do you have parents?" tanong niya nang muli akong lingunin. My forehead knotted as I stared at her. Why ask that all of a sudden? But still I nodded my head as a response.
"What do they do for a living?"
"Uh... my Mom stays at home with her birds...." I answered. Mom is an ornithologist, but lately she has been staying in our house.
"What about your father?" Napangisi ako nang maisip si Dad. The last time he went home, he complained about not enjoying taking a bath in the space station. I used my index finger to point the sky.
"Probably up there," I said, and chuckled a bit.
She bit her lower lip and looked at me as if I was a pitiful man whose about to die tomorrow. And why did I like the way she was looking at me?! It made me feel nervous in my stomach and yet elated at the same time.
Just what exactly is she thinking?
"I'm sorry," she said. I was stunned at how the tables turned. I should be the one apologizing, not the other way around.
I can't really comprehend how her mind works. Kagaya na lang nung nasa date siya. Ang sabi niya labag sa loob niya iyon kaya tatapusin na niya nang maaga. Pero iba ang kilos niya nang makitang may kasamang babae yung ka-date niya.
"W-what? For what?" Umaasa akong lilinawin niya iyon pero umiling lang ito. Patuloy ko lang siyang tinitigan.
So how will I say sorry now?