LILIANNA'S POV
I'm awoken by the shrill beeping from my alarm. The jingle that rings from my phone signalling my desired wake up plays from across my bedroom. The familiar tune has me upright in bed within seconds of it starting, I swear the sound of my alarm has given me ptsd or something by the way it sends an awful feeling flooding my body just from the noise.
I flick the thick covers off of my body and jump out of bed, scurrying over the dirty laundry that litters the hardwood floor. With a satisfied desperation I end the obnoxious alarm and disarm it from doing the five minute intervals that seem to sound off when I hit snooze.
My eyes feel tight and swollen and I regret deciding to fall asleep to A Star Is Born. It's not like I didn't see it coming, I've watched the film before but it still sends me into an emotional blubbering mess. I wipe at my eyes and look around at the state of my bedroom. It's filthy and in need of a clean. It's not the way I had planned to spend my Saturday morning but I also hadn't actually planned anything so I may as well tidy up. But first, I need coffee.
Shoving my feet into the fluffy set of slippers I brought myself last week as apart of my weekly retail therapy splurge, I gather my messy hair into a ball on the top of my head and secure it with the scrunchy from around my wrist. I pad tiredly through my apartment to the kitchen sink, flicking the switch of my coffee maker and wait for it to heat up. While I wait I gather the bundle of mail that's been shoved through the mail slot on my door. It's mostly junk mail but I quite like going through the brochures of appliances and home ware - imagining the things I'd buy when I owned my own house. I even look over the kids clothes section, deciding the types of outfits I'll dress my future kids in.
It actually reminds me that I need to eventually talk to my doctor about going back on my birth control. I won't lie, it's actually been so nice not being on it these last months. I don't feel as bloated, my periods don't hurt when I have them and I'm not as emotional unless I'm coming up to a period. I'm conflicted about going back on them, I mean it's not like I've been sleeping with anyone so that hasn't been a problem. But I know eventually I need to be prepared. Ugh. I just wish there was something that guys could take instead. It doesn't seem fair that there are so many different contraceptive choices for women when they could be looking into ones for men instead, Yknow other than just condoms or vasectomies.
My coffee machine beeps quietly as I flick through the junk mail admiring things I won't and probably never will actually buy. I pour myself a black coffee, chuck two ice cubes into it to cool it down to a reasonable drinking temperature and walk back to tackle the mess in my room.
When my floors are removed of my dirty clothes and the second load of washing is tumbling in the machine, I take a break from my room and start on squaring up my living room. My school books are slightly scattered and my papers I've been working on late every night this week are a mess over my small dining table. I roughly collect up my assignments and tuck them into my binder, stack up my work books in class order and turn my attention to the last three boxes of my grandmothers belongings stacked under my table.
I already have the clothes I first unpacked of hers hung up in my new closet. Her nicknacks adorn my shelves and my mother's jewellery box has a special place on top of my chest of draws. I wear her jewellery as often as I can, well only really during outings with friends but her gold earrings have become my regular choice.
With a trepidatious sigh I bend down and drag one of the bigger boxes out from under the table. It's brown tape that seals it closed is much older than the clear gaffer tape securing the other boxes. I get the feeling this box was in storage long before my grandmother passed away.
What the hell is in here?
I scratch at the corner of the thick tape hoping to lift some off so I can grab it. After a few scrapes it lifts off and I rip the the brown duct tape off the top of the cardboard box, rolling it into a ball and chucking it in the direction of the rubbish bin in the kitchen.
Just as I unfold the cardboard lid a knock raps at my front door.
"Who the hell-?" I mutter under my breath and stand to go answer the door. As I'm walking I notice I'm still only in my underwear and baggy sleep top. I'll need to make sure I hide behind the door when I answer, it's probably just a mailman or maybe my landlord. Another gentle tap against my door and I scurry over a little faster to answer it.
"Coming!" I call out as I grab the door handle. I stay a step behind the door and use it to block my appearance as I open it.
"Hey." Alec smiles warmly at me, his hands hold two take away coffees and a brown paper lunch bag.
"Uh hi?" I'm a little caught off guard by his company and he takes in my confused expression.
"You forgot didn't you?" He gently laughs and immediately I realise why he's here.
"Oh my god!" I groan and slap my face.
"I totally forgot!" I stand aside and open the door wider for him to come inside. Thank god my apartment isn't as messy as it was before otherwise I would have been embarrassed to invite him in.
"I'm so sorry! I'm not even ready!" I fret. I've been too busy cleaning I completely forgot about the brunch session our research group had planned. Alec had offered to drive me since I no longer have a car.
"It's okay, we still have twenty minutes. I came a bit early." He says holding a coffee cup out for me which I take with an appreciative smile.
"Okay! I'll just jump through the shower quickly and get ready so we can still make it! I can't believe I totally forgot!" I groan and take a sip of the coffee he got me. It's my exact order I usually get myself and I'm impressed that he's learnt it after all the take away coffees we've ordered while in the library together.
"Are you still unpacking?" Alec laughs, gesturing to the half open box and others under my dining table.
"Something like that." I shrug and take myself to get ready. I notice Alec's eyes watch my movements but he makes no comment about my lack of appropriate clothing nor does he let his eyes stray too far down my body.
I rush myself in the shower, even brushing my teeth in the shower to save time. I can hear Alec tinkering away in my living area as I change. I chuck on some stone wash jeans and a green baggy crew neck, slicking my hair back into a ponytail to save my time styling it. I don't bother with makeup and settle on a clean face.
When I emerge from my bedroom Alec gets to his feet from the sofa. The television plays quietly as we stand acknowledging each other silently, awkwardly. Dark brown eyes seek my gaze but I look away.
"Should we get going then?" I ask, eyes training on one of my house plants as if I'm studying it and not using it as an excuse to avoid the look in which Alec observes me with.
"Yeah." He agrees with a slight clear of his throat and I collect my work book and binder full of notes from the table. Following behind him out of my apartment.
Alec drums his fingers rhythmically against the worn steering wheel to the music that plays through his car. I'm glad for the volume, it's not too loud but not quiet enough to establish decent conversation. Although we had promised not to make things awkward between us when he attempted to kiss me, things between Alec and I are actually indeed kind of awkward. But in a way that neither of us are willing to concede to.
I don't know why though, if anything it should be less awkward since he seems to be more involved with Tiffany now. I'll admit it threw me when she told me they went out on a date and she slept with him afterwards. The date itself doesn't throw me but the fact that this happened the weekend after he tried to kiss me made me feel some type of way - especially since he had told me so many times he only saw Tiff as a friend. I obviously didn't want to say anything to Tiffany about it, I mean how could I when the girl was gushing over the apparent amazing sex they had meanwhile I was thinking about how that same guy had tried to make a move on me a few days earlier.
I don't get the feeling Alec is doing anything intentionally. Like he doesn't seem like the typical jerk or the type of guy to play around and lead girls on. But still, it's an odd situation and it's made things ... awkward.
But I can't deny, Tiffany did seem rather happy about the whole thing so as long as he doesn't hurt her feelings I'm happy for her. Between her and Mesha my friends seem rather coupled up. Although she still refuses to tell me anything about her mystery man Mesha seems happy and content keeping it that way.
With the worst timing in the world the radio changes the song to a familiar and frankly triggering song. Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic by The Police starts playing much to my dismay. The song that Seven had played the first time we had sex. The song will forever be attached to that memory probably for the rest of my life. I don't want to make a scene by changing the station on Alec's radio - I also don't know if he's one of those people who gets irked about that kind of thing. So I sit with my hands on my lap, nails digging into my palms as I fight the images of green eyes and perfectly pink lips brushing over my skin.
The more the song continues to play the more vivid those memories come back to me and I'm reminded of why I've avoid music for months. Soft brown curls, the freckle by his mouth, a dimpled smile, strong calloused hands, even the way he smelt is flooding my mind and I can't take it anymore. I reach forward and turn the radio completely off, causing Alec to look over at me baffled by my actions.
"You good?" He asks simply, I wipe my palms against my jeans and take a steady breath to calm the weird nerves thinking about Seven brings me.
"I am now." I nod, saying it and hoping it's the truth.
"You don't like that song?" Alec asks and I wish he wouldn't.
"Not really no." I look out my window in hopes he lets it go. But of course he doesn't.
"Why not? It's a great song." I know he's just trying to converse and he is right, it is a great song. Well it was, before I had any memories attached to it.
"I uh, it just reminds me of someone I'd rather not think about." I admit still looking out the window.
"Oh." Alec replies, his tone thoughtful.
"Fair enough." He agrees. We don't speak much the rest of the short drive to the cafe we'd planned to meet at.
Hannah and Paul are already at a table waiting for us, their laptops open with Paul also finishing another last minute assignment as he works. I don't know how some people can do that. As soon as we're given the curriculum with assignment outlines I start all my prep and complete them at least a week or two ahead. There's nothing more I'd find stressful then sitting up the night before an essay was due still writing it. Okay well that's a lie, maybe running away from a gang shooting at you with your best friend is more stressful.
I can hardly concentrate on the pages I'm meant to be cross referencing. My mind is literally stuck thinking about what it shouldn't be; Seven. That song really did a number on all my hard work of pushing any thoughts of him down but with just one slight reminder of him he's become front and centre of my thoughts.
It's not even anything specific, my mind is just wondering over small details I remember about him. The cross tattoo on his hand that I would run my thumb over absentmindedly when we held hands - which was rare but important enough for me to remember. The way he had looked at me and told me I was beautiful when he took me to his secret spot to swim. The feeling of waking up to his warm body laying over mine. The sight of his gold cross necklace swaying above my face as he moved inside of me. The tickle of those soft curls between my thighs as he—
"Lily?" Hannah touches my hand and I almost jump.
"S-Sorry I was somewhere else." I apologise, shaking my thoughts from my head and thankful she can't read my mind, see the intimate moments I was reminiscing on. Though she can read my face and the embarrassed pink in my cheeks.
"The lady wants to know if you'd like another drink?" Hannah smiles sweetly and I look at the women standing beside Alec with a small notepad and pen.
"Oh, no I'm good. I'll stick with water." I gesture to the glass pitcher and my full glass and the woman nods before disappearing. I've already had two coffees today, anymore and I'll start becoming even more unhinged.
"You okay Lily? You've been awfully quiet." Hannah whispers next to me so as the boys don't overhear her.
"What? Y-Yeah I'm fine. Just tired." I lie but she buys it, thank god.
From Hannah's comments I make it a point to engage with the group at least once every five minutes while I try read and reread the same article, just hoping each time I restart the first paragraph that a slither of the information is retained by my brain. It's no use though, it appears my brain is far too full with images of an inked, toned torso to even comprehend thinking about anything else. I hate this, I really hate myself for still holding on. For letting even his memory have a hold on me after all this time. I've been doing so well, so bloody well with ignoring it all and yet with one song I'm crumbling like a dry sand castle.
I keep my head down, pretending to read over notes when Hannah excuses herself to the bathroom. This gives me the excuse to lift my eyes and let them wonder around the cafe as they loosely follow after her. When my eyes fix on a mop of chestnut curls sitting in one of the back booths my heart is in my throat instantly.
No.
There's no way.
It couldn't be him.
No I know it's impossible and that it's not actually him, but I can't help the feelings that attack me as if it were actually him. My heart speeds as I stare at the back of a strangers head. For some reason I have the urge to check, to crane my head, to glance over the booths and make sure it's really not him. But even if I did I wouldn't be able to tell because they're sitting with their back towards me and I can't see much other than the top half of their head.
It's ridiculous of me to think, but for some reason I hope that if I stare hard enough the stranger will feel my gaze and turn around. It's preposterous and makes no sense at all but I still do it. I still stare and wait for the stranger with familiar curls to turn and look at me over the booths.
I know that it's not him. And I don't understand why a small part of me hopes it is. If it were to actually be Seven what would I even do? I'd be mortified to see him. Well I should be but I don't understand why that even though I'd be confounded to see him, deep down I'm wanting it to be him sitting in that booth.
Look at me. Look at me! Turn around and look at me! I chant silently in my head as I burn holes into those curls.
Look at me—
"What on earth are you staring at?" Alec chuckles across from me, turning around to try get a look for himself.
"What?" I break my focus to look at Alec, cheeks heating.
"No one - I mean nothing." I correct myself but it's too late. Alec smirks at me knowingly while Paul looks up from his computer, over his thick framed glasses to get a look for himself.
"What's this?" He asks Alec as he tries to understand the situation.
"Lily's been staring at someone over in the booths." Alec answers smiling. Why does he find this so amusing? Probably because of the way my cheeks are glowing right now and I'm slightly on edge.
"I wasn't!" I insist defensively, now making Paul grin. To my horror both Alec and Paul now stare over at the booths as Hannah walks past them, returning from the bathroom. She notices all of us looking in her direction and frowns confused.
When she approaches the table Hannah doesn't sit down and instead leans her hands on the table.
"Okay, what are we looking at?" She whispers.
"Yeah, Lily. What are we looking at?" Alec smirks and I roll my eyes.
"Nothing. Would you just drop it." I pretend to busy myself with flipping through pages as Hannah sits down again.
"She was staring at someone sitting in the booths." Paul whispers to Hannah quietly but I can still hear him. We all can.
"Who? The family or the dude with the tattoos?" Hannah asks and my head shoots up.
Tattoos?
"What?" I ask her.
"There's just a family sitting in the booths and a guy by himself with heaps of tattoos." Hannah says and turns around to look back at the booths again as I do the same. I can see the young family with two small children that she mentioned but the stranger with the brown curls is now gone.
"Well he was there just a minute ago." Hannah also seems baffled by the disappearance of the guy with curls and tattoos. My stomach tightens in the weirdest way and it feels hard to swallow.
Could that really have been ...
Surely not.
But what if it was really him?
Would he have known I was here? Did he see me? Do I care if he did or not?
"You good Lily?" Alec asks and I feel like I've been asked this question so many damn times recently. I nod and look back down at my work book, the truth is I don't know if I'm, "good." I don't really know how I'm feeling right now. Slightly panicked? A little nervous maybe? And very, very confused.
Was that Seven sitting in the back booth or am I just hoping it was? And why am I even hoping it was him?
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