I just nod my head and just follow my twin as he drags me with him.
We end up walking inside the movie room.
I follow him to the front where he tells me to sit down.
I pull my legs up so I'm hugging them as I lean back in the comfiest seat I've ever been in.
Atlas leaves but comes back after a minute or two with a bowl in his hands.
He sits down in the seat next to me, placing the bowl in between us.
I look at him confused on what we're doing here.
"We're going to watch a movie with some popcorn" he informs me while turning on the big screen.
I just nod my head.
I guess I'll learn to live with the fact that my apparent twin which I didn't even know excited before today somehow knows almost everything what I'm thinking.
It's creepy and I'm not sure if I'm okay with it.
"What do you want to watch?" He asks me.
I shrug my shoulders, "you choose" I tell him.
The only time I've ever watched a movie or show for that matter was when I was living with him and Ares.
Atlas nods his head and puts Netflix on the tv.
After around a minute does he put some random movie on.
I try to relax as much as I can but I can't.
My body is too tense.
I'm tense
I've always been tense.
I'm cold too.
I hug myself tighter as I look the screen.
Around fifteen minutes later, Atlas notices that I haven't touched the popcorn yet.
He slightly nudges my arm before I flinch away from his touch.
He gives me a small apology before telling me that if I want to that I can eat from the popcorn.
I just nod my head but don't even bother reaching out to it.
If I eat even one more small thing, I'm sure I'll throw it all back up.
———
I just got out of the shower after asking Atlas for permission to use it.
I wasn't sure if I could after all and if I would get a beating for not asking than I know for sure that I wouldn't have survived that one.
These men- this apparent family I now have...I can't trust them.
For all I know they'll treat me the same way and with my current injuries I know for sure I wouldn't survive another beating, definitely not one from them.
After watching the movie, Atlas walked me back to my room for if I didn't remember the right way.
I did remember it but I-...I guess I appreciate the way he wants to get to know me more.
No one ever wanted to get to know me except for Ares and him.
I avoid looking in the mirror and just get dressed in my sweatpants and hoodie with a shirt underneath.
Of course I also wear my underwear.
When I'm finished, I only quickly brush my hair since I already brushed my teeth before showering than I walk to the massive bed.
I sit down in the edge of the bed first.
It's so soft, like a cloud.
It feels so amazing, so luxurious.
So good and I know I don't deserve it but I can't help and crawl under the sheets.
My body quivers a little from the cold but again like before I ignore it like I've always have.
I close my eyes and try to fall asleep while hoping that I won't get any nightmares.
I know that when I take painkillers, I sleep very deep which means I don't get any nightmares then but since I'm sleeping so deeply I also know that whatever is happening around me- I won't wake up from.
I don't know if I'm safe here, in this house with this people. Probably not so I'm not going to risk it.
A few minutes pass and I don't fall asleep.
I switch positions again and start counting sheep.
Maybe that'll help? I mean people always say it helps so why not try it out.
—
134 sheep
135 sheep
136 sheep
137 sheep
138 sheep
I release a big breath and switch positions again.
I take some deep breaths as I try to calm my mind.
I groan annoyed and decide to get out of bed.
I can't fall asleep in this.
It's too soft
Too comfortable
I walk to the corner of the room with a small blanket wrapped around my body.
I lie down on the floor while using my arm as a pillow.
I hug the blanket close to me and close my eyes once more.
I see my dead mother's eyes stare into me but it's okay.
I know it's okay
This is how I've always slept.
In the corner on a hard surface while being extremely cold.
At the time while I was living with him I could never sleep in that nice bed I was provided either.
It just didn't feel right and every time I tried to, I ended up staying awake all night.
I take a deep breath as my ribs burns harshly and slowly feel darkness take over my body.
———
"No!" I scream breathing heavily.
Sweat rolls down my forehead as hair sticks to the back of my neck.
Tears prick behind my eyes but I don't let them fall.
I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths.
No panic attacks.
I don't want any panic attacks.
Remember what he taught me, do what he told me to do in these situations.
I cross my hands over my chest while linking my thumbs over/in each other- like a butterfly.
I breath in through my nose than out through my mouth.
I keep doing this while tapping my hands on my chest in turn. One after the other, again and again and again.
Good memories, think of good things.
I remember him holding me, after I had a panic attack.
I had a lot of them when I was younger, almost daily but he-....he helped me with them.
He taught me methods for when these happened together with Ares.
They held me until I felt okay again.
Until I felt ready to face that cruel world out there again.
I think of that.
I think of them holding me.
I think of them stroking my hair while muttering some calming words.
Eventually I start to calm down and I drop my hands.
I open my eyes again and see that I'm no longer lying on the floor but in the bed instead.