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But I'm holding on for dear life
Won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight
Help me, I'm holding on for dear life
Won't look down, won't open my eyes
Keep my glass full until morning light
'Cause I'm just holding on for tonight, on for tonight
The trial was next week. Even though I wasn't the one on trial, I still couldn't shake the anxiety off of me. We are to fly out on Monday, have a few days in Miami and then go to the trial on thursday.
And by 'we', I mean well me, Kiel, Lee, uncle Beck and our father.
I had already made a list and already packed most of the stuff I was bringing with me. Maman had ordered a clean up crew to sweep my apartment so that when we arrived, we could immediately use it again.
To be fairly honest, I couldn't wait to put all of it behind me. The closer we came to the date, the more intense my nightmares became. Lee was being an absolute doll trying to get my mind off the incessant urge to reminisce in old wounds, but nothing was working. My daily facade was cracking and I have been more content with staying in bed and doing completely nothing instead of facing and challenging this f*cked up world.
I wish there was a button I could push that would just turn off all the bad things that littered my mind all times of the day. I was going absolutely mental and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing was listening to me anymore. Not my brain, not my nervous system that seemed to shiver every freaking five seconds and especially not my demons whose new goal in life it seemed was to make me borderline insane.
My light was disappearing and I didn't know how to retain the last pieces of it I had left.
How did I do it years ago? How was I able to get back on my high horse even with the withdrawal symptoms of the drug abuse? How in the hell did I survive?
Before I could contemplate any more questions, someone knocked on the door and opened it. I didn't turn around. I didn't let the blanket down to show my face. I just remained under my heavy blanket, surrounding myself with the heavy darkness that not only wrapped itself around my heart, slowly squeezing it more and more, but also my visible sight was covered with it. Even though the darkness around my heart felt cold, the heavy darkness around my vision did not. As if it was rooting for me to pick it, to go to it, leave with it. And so I stayed in that darkness until someone slowly decided to give out a little bit of light. Kiel was there smiling softly at me.
"Dinner is ready. I made sure they put out some softer foods for you to eat. Please just have a little."
I didn't voice my opinion of what I wanted because I knew the doctor would not allow it, so I wordlessly creeped out of bed, straight into his room. If I could not stay in the warmth of the blanket, the next best things were one of his sweaters.
Getting out of his room, Kiel was still standing in the hallway waiting for me. I gave him a small smile before following him downstairs where the rest was.
I sat down between Kiel and Teddy and strayed miles away from Noah. After the talk we had, or should I say the word full bashing he gave me, I didn't even dare to look at him anymore. I knew that if I looked him in the eyes I would only remember the words he spat at me. I don't understand how my world collided so fast in this place. How my life went from a simple happy-go-lucky to downright depressing. I needed an out. I wished I could just go back to Maman and Aubrey in Miami. To have my old classmates beside me during lessons, the monthly bbq our building organised for a better relation between neighbours.
But wishing was merely hopeful thinking. As long as my father held the custody rights, I would be unable to do anything about it. And simply emancipating wouldn't really work. The process is long and hard and I would need a lot of evidence to show that my father couldn't proficiently take care of me and I could.
Welp, Best of luck with that.
There was an upisde to this whole 'mother on trial for attempted murder of her daughter' thing.
I would be back in Miami. Back with my family and friends. Back with the full loaded sun beaming on my skin. Ah! Maybe that's the reason I'm so down. Next to the whole 'sinking in a hole' that I would have to talk to Dr. Cavalli about, maybe it was the insufficient vitamin SUN I was missing here.
I am sooo laying down on the beach right after touchdown.
Even under the strong watch of Kiel, I was barely able to get more than a few spoonfuls of dinner into my stomach. I was mostly just rotating my utensils through my food. Blocking out everyone's conversation was the most peaceful option I had for my brain.
Unfortunately peace never lasts long.
"I can't wait! I'm so excited dad!" Adaline screeched out. Why is her voice always so high and so annoying? You are hurting my eardrums, WOMAN!
"What are you excited about, Addie?" Ezra asked her. I don't even know why my brain started to listen to this conversation.
"Since we don't have any school next week, dad and I are going on a father/daughter bonding trip!"
I dropped my spoon.
"So you guys won't be here next week." James grinned.
"Genevieve and Noah will still be here so there will be no parties whatsoever." Our father replied to James.
"You're going next week?" I dared to ask, although not any harder than a hard whisper.
He looked at me as his eyes softened. "You can come along with us if you like, tesoro. I actually think that is a great idea. We can spend some quality time together. All three of us and you two will be able to bond again." He grinned at the thought.
He grinned as if he had come up with the best idea in the world.
Except it wasn't.
I looked at him shocked.
How could he?
How could he do this to me?
Why would he do this to me?
Was I not worth his promise?
Was I not worth his time?
I mustered up my courage, gave him a small smile. "Have fun." My voice cracked as I looked back at my food.
"Gods, Adelaide. Just because he wants to go with Adaline does not mean the world is about to collapse. He invited you, didn't he?! Why are you acting like this?!" Noah yelled out, making me flinch. I couldn't take this anymore. I just couldn't take any of this anymore. I didn't understand why I was so emotional. I didn't understand why I wanted their approval. I was done. I stood up out of my chair, gave Teddy a kiss on his forehead and walked to the stairs.
"Such a fucking drama queen!" Noah muttered. With that I turned around.
"Drama Queen? That's what you want to call me? I ain't no fucking drama queen Noah! Am I hurt? Yes! I am hurt that our father yet again chose his daughter over me! He chose Adaline over me after he promised me!" I screamed out. "But that's all that he's good for, aren't you, dad?!"
"All you are good for is breaking promises and breaking hearts, right?"
"What are you talking about, Tesoro? Why are you acting like this? I just said you can come along with us, if that's not something you want to do then fine, but don't you behave like this." He commanded.
I looked at my father, truly looked at him and just wondered why I would, how I could ever believe anything that came out of his mouth.
"Dad. Forgiveness is not given, it is earned. Remember that? Then you should also remember what you promised me that day. I'm done." I turned back around to storm up the stairs. "I can't wait to get out of here!"
But before I could a hand grabbed my wrist and twisted me around. Before I could see who it was, a force made my head twist harshly to the side, burning my cheek. Noah hit me?
Noah had just hit me. My hand shook up to the place of my pain while my eyes teared up. Looking at him wide eyed, I drowned out the noise around me. I drowned out what he was yelling at me.
He had just hit me.
I immediately ran back to my room to hide. Hide everything. Hide my feelings. Hide my tears. Hide my soul. Lee decided to bug me, not that I minded him. He pushed me further into bed and hugged me tightly.
I snuggled closer in his arms and sniffed his scent. None of us said anything. We just laid there for a while.
"Why..." I croaked out.
"Why am I not enough?"
"Why am I never good enough?"
"What have I done that is so wrong?"
"Why do I continue to break again and again?"
"Wasn't once enough?"
"Was twice not enough?"
"How many more times do they want me to break before they stop?"
"How long before I shatter?"
"I can't take this for much longer."
Lee didn't say anything, he didn't need to. He just hugged me tighter to his chest and didn't let go. He didn't want to let go. The loud yelling from downstairs had simmered a little. I knew Kiel was blowing up again. I felt bad for dividing them. It was all my fault. If I wasn't here, Kiel wouldn't be put in such a position. He wouldn't be at odds with our father and Noah. This was all my fault.
I was just never meant to be happy.
I ruin everything.
I ruin everyone.
I just want it all to be over.
Kiel stormed up the stairs straight into my room. "Lainy, did you pack everything you wanted to bring along?" he asked me softly, to which I nodded my head slowly.
"Good. Lem, did you ask Nick?"
"Yeah, I did. Everything is ready."
"Alright let's go. Lem can you carry her to the car?" Lem simply nodded and picked me up koala style.
I looked at Kiel confused after he came back from his room with a couple of extra shirts and sweaters.
"You're staying with Lem and Nick till we leave. I want you out of this house."
And there it was.
Kiel was done with me.
Kiel was throwing me out.
Slowly everyone would leave me. Leave until I had no one left.
I started to tear up again.
"No, please Kiel! I'm sorry. I'll stop! Please don't send me away!"
Please don't leave me alone. Don't let me be by myself..
"Don't leave me too! Please don't Kiel! I promise! I promise I'll be good. I'll be a good girl. I beg you, Kiel, Please!" I screamed out.
Don't do this, please! It would kill me. I wouldn't get back up if you left!
Kiel kissed my forehead and gave me a soft smile.
"You misunderstand, Lainy. I am not leaving you, sweetheart. I just can't stand how they treat you and you need your mind to be focused next week. So Lem is taking you to Nick's house. There is an extra bedroom just for you where you can unwind. So that when we go to Miami and you see Rebecca and Aubrey they will want to see the you they came to know. The free Lainy. The happy Lainy. Not this Lainy that has been around toxicity too much."
I sniffed at his words, still in Lee's arms.
"So you're not leaving me?" Kiel shook his head.
"You're not sending me away?" I whispered.
"Never." he replied with a smile.
"... okay..." I whispered. I kissed his cheek. "Love you."
"I will see you soon, Lainy. Love you to bug."
With that, Lee put me in the passenger seat of my car and drove us away from the house. Away from our family. He drove us towards his safe haven and I never felt more content.
So heartbreaking...
Till next time
Love Sarah