"So what are your plans for tonight?"
I looked over to my sister who was currently typing away on her laptop, the nerves of lying already getting to me. I shook my head, "Just a movie night at Maria's."
I headed to the kitchen, quickly snatching my favorite bottle of un-opened wine and shoving it into my bag that I carried. Of course I couldn't walk the streets of New York with a bottle of wine in my hand so the bag would have to suffice, and I grabbed my phone and keys off the counter. The less time I spent getting my shit together and getting out the door the less time Jada had to interrogate me and possibly figure out what I was really doing tonight.
Jada spoke, "Want me to bring you...?"
I turned hastily, seeing her standing from the table as I answered, "N-No, that's fine I'm just gonna catch the bus."
She shook her head, "I mean I don't mind..."
See, this is why I hated lying!
I shook my head, "No seriously, I don't need you to bring me. I'll be fine."
I watched my sister debate internally if she wanted to argue with me, and then ultimately decided not to. I was grateful, because the last thing I needed was to have to explain why I was hanging out with the girl that had knocked her out of her winning streak, literally. I was convinced if I told her the truth she would flip, mostly because she was still highly upset over her loss last week.
She held her hands up, "Okay, well then have a good night. I'm guessing you won't be back till tomorrow?"
I could see her signaling over to my bag that held nothing but a bottle of wine but of course she figured I was spending the night at Maria's. Oh God, this could honestly get messy... I half nodded and shook my head at the same time, confusion obviously wrapping around the both of us.
I stuttered, "I uh... yea we'll see."
I jetted for the door, hearing Jada call behind me, "Good night then, weirdo."
I cringed, knowing that I needed to get the hell out before she figured out I was lying. I called out, "Night!"
Making my way to the front I texted Drew, letting her know I was on my way. I decided to just catch a cab, knowing it would be a bit faster and I was ready to see her. This Friday had honestly drug on and on and I knew I would feel a lot better alongside Drew. That's just how it was with her and I.
It didn't take me long to hail a cab and climb in, giving him the directions Drew had given me. I knew it wouldn't take too long to get there but it gave me enough time to gather myself. I felt like a mess knowing I would be walking into Drew's apartment and potentially getting a little drunk in front of her. I knew I shouldn't be so worried but I was, and I honestly couldn't help myself.
I pulled my bag onto my lap and readied my money, remembering the familiar turn to head towards her apartment. My palms were sweaty, my heart was beating in my head, and I could feel the heat coursing through my body.
I could taste Drew on my lips from last night's encounter, I could feel her skin under my fingertips, the smoothness of it all. I could smell her shampoo and mint, and the familiar way her breathing hitched as she had attempted to regain her breath while we had kissed...
Thinking about it made me nervous and excited all at once.
When we made it closer I texted her I was nearly here, knowing I wouldn't want to be on the street for long. I ordered the cab to stop and paid willingly, stepping out and walking quickly up to her front door.
Be cool, Bree...
Before I could even knock the door opened, and Drew's welcoming gaze fell upon me as she took in my appearance. It wasn't until I was standing in front of her that I suddenly turned into a literal mess, but I attempted to keep my shit together.
She pulled me inside, "That didn't take long."
I shrugged, "It would've been even shorter if my sister hadn't interrogated me at the door."
I could see a look on Drew's face that was unsettling at the mentioning of my sister. I knew she didn't like the fact that my sister kind of resented her, but it was the situation and we had to deal with it.
She shook her head, "You didn't tell her... did you?"
"Hell no," I laughed uneasily. Just thinking about that made me cringe, "Are you insane? She probably would've followed me here and demanded a rematch in your living room."
This time Drew's amazing laugh filled my ears, something that didn't really happen often but when it did it would literally stop you in your tracks. It was contagious, and the warmth that came with the sound was magnificent...
"Then we won't tell her," Drew's light eyes fell upon me, the carefree atmosphere welcoming me and making me feel at home already.
Then of course Milo was at my feet, his tail wagging and brushing against my legs. I knelt down and rubbed his face, "Hey Milo."
His black and white furry face rested in my hands, his pink tongue hanging slightly out of his mouth. He really was adorable, and I would take him if I could bring him to my apartment.
I stood back up and revealed my bottle of wine, "I brought my favorite."
Drew smirked, "A sweet red wine, nice."
I followed her through her open studio, heading past the living room area and to the kitchen. It honestly was a great setup but I knew this place had to cost a lot, which made me wonder how much she actually made working at that gym. A narrow staircase ran along the wall, leading to some sort of loft which I pinned to be her bedroom. This place was nice, and I couldn't help my curiosity at this point.
I placed the bottle of wine on the counter and asked, "How much do you pay to live here?"
She pulled out the popcorn she had cooked in the microwave and smiled slightly, "Too much."
"As in?"
"A little over four-thousand."
I could feel my mouth open slightly, wondering how in the hell Drew could afford that. I mean I'm sure it included everything except electricity but... damn.
I knew there was no way she made four grand at the gym, "Drew, how much do you make at the gym...?"
She poured the popcorn into a bowl while her teasing smile spread onto her face, "Not enough for this place, I can tell you that." She then swiped the few movies from the counter along with the bowl of popcorn, "My bedroom doesn't have a TV so..."
I shook my head, still confused over the whole rent situation, "Wait, so how do you afford...?"
She placed the bowl of popcorn on the side table next to her couch that was actually pulled out so we would have a lot more room to lie down. Cushions and blankets made the sofa look awesomely comfortable but Drew seemed to ignore my question for a second.
She looked up, smiling, "I told you I fought for money, right?"
I nodded, "But, you can't make that much... you know, to afford...?"
She proceeded to walk around me, teasing me with my confusion as she grabbed two glasses from her cabinet along with my un-opened bottle of wine. Her eyes watched me as she set the glasses down, "Trust me, I made enough last year to hold me over for a while."
She was being secretive for reasons I didn't know, but I was genuinely curious. If she had continued to fight for the money then that meant it had to be good, and seeing that she lived here only furthered that assumption. I was curious as to how the payment method worked though, and I knew she understood that. She knew I was always full of questions.
I removed my shoes and sat cross-legged on her pullout couch, watching her pick up my bottle of wine and ask, "Would you like some?"
I nodded, "Of course I would, but pour you a glass too."
She smiled her infamous smile that made my knees weak, letting me know she was already loosening up around me. Ever since our kiss things had been slightly different, I could feel it, but I could also feel the undeniable tension between us now. I had kind of felt that before our kiss, but after it was obvious there was something insanely strong pulling us together.
She poured two glasses, climbing onto the couch and handing me one over to me. She leaned back, relaxing, "Would you like me to break down how I can afford to live here?"
I honestly was curious as to how much one could possibly make, so I nodded a silent yes.
She began, "So, from looking at all of the fights I've won I can tell you one win ranges from about three-thousand to four-thousand dollars, depending on how many people show up, bet, etcetera. I started winning at the beginning of last year, and when you win, unless you get hurt, you can fight as many times as you want."
My mind was still stuck on the three-thousand to four-thousand dollars part.
She continued, "Last year alone I won fifteen fights total, which is an estimated forty-five thousand dollars. Now that's not even including my hours I made at the gym. I'm basically still living on my winnings from last year."
Forty-five thousand dollars... I shook my head, immediately understanding why this underground fighting scene was so serious. There was a lot of money that went into the betting and the fighting, and when people lost their money that's when it usually got ugly. Leaving meant pissing off a lot of people that would either lose money or lose a reason to win more money, and you didn't want a bunch of angry fuckers chasing you.
I exhaled, "That's... a lot of money."
She nodded, "But the fight I won against Jada, yea I got over five grand for that win. I don't know why but... I'm not questioning it."
I looked down into my glass of wine, wondering if I should tell her why she had gotten so much from that win. I mean, she had a right to know and I'm sure no one else was going to tell her.
I nodded, "You got so much because it was going to be Jada's last fight."
My eyes met hers just in time to see a look of guilt fall over her like a blanket. She leaned back and shook her head, "As in like, her last win to finally get out?"
"She wanted to go pro," I continued, wondering why Drew even seemed to care. I mean Jada was considered an enemy right? I'm sure the rest of the fighters didn't sympathize one another's struggles on getting out of that death pit.
Drew shook her head, "I had no idea..."
"Would it have made a difference?" I found myself asking. I mean, Drew hadn't known Jada was my sister the night she fought her. Why exactly did it even matter that it had been Jada's last fight? Would Drew have lost on purpose? I doubted that. Not whenever her own freedom was at stake.
She shrugged, "I... don't know," she seemed to drift off but came back to ask another question, "How many fights is she required to win?"
I shrugged, "She said like two or three, but she can't fight any time soon."
Drew swirled her wine around in the clear glass, looking as if she was in another place at the moment. I didn't understand her. She could come off so cold and hard and then turn into someone who would sympathize someone she had never met but once in her life. I figured maybe it was because she understood Jada's struggle and how stressful it was, which was normal in my opinion.
She shook her head, "If they were talking about having her go pro they might change the number of required wins to two just because. She was undefeated when I fought her, and honestly I have no idea how the hell I even won. She had seemed distracted that night though."
"I was there," I responded, already knowing that she knew that, "She was probably anxious. I mean that fight was important."
"We're gonna have to fight again," I heard her voice say. I felt the tightness in my stomach, the same feeling I had felt that night at the ring. The familiar sensation of me wanting to puke resurfaced, and realizing that really fucking sucked.
I barely mustered a response, "Why?"
She placed her wine down on the table and leaned back into the couch, "I'm the only one she's required to beat, I'm the only one that's gone against her and won. She's gonna want a rematch, her fans will, the head fuckers that make the rules will... it's how it goes."
Hearing the acid in Drew's voice was scary but I understood why she as upset. I mean she needed to win too, and she wanted to get the fuck out of this thing that she was involved in. Not to mention they were pitting her against my own sister, which was probably stressing her out even more than winning.
I refused to respond which led to her getting off of the couch and holding up multiple movies, "Alright, which one do you want to watch first? I have Pitch Perfect, Ferris Bueller's Day off, and uh... Step Up 1 and 2."
I could tell she was trying to distract both of our minds from the fighting thing but it was hard. I decided on Pitch Perfect, knowing I had seen it a million times but was in the mood to laugh. Drew popped the disc into her player and turned the lights down in her living room.
Before she had even made it back to the couch my pulse was already speeding, my palms sweaty as I tried to look cool and collected. I didn't want her to see how nervous I was around her, but I had a slight feeling she already had a clue that I was a mess.
She grabbed the popcorn and settled it between the two of us, her shoulder actually resting against mine lightly. If she was trying to drive me insane she was definitely on the right path. I continued struggling to keep my breathing at a normal pace while the movie started.
My mind was elsewhere as I could see Drew's gaze focused on the TV from the corner of my eye. I was wondering if she was watching me through her peripheral too, and I wondered if she was an emotional mess like I was right now.
The only thing that held my attention was Drew, and as hard as I was trying I couldn't stop glancing at her. She was beautiful, the contours of her face angelic. Don't get me wrong, she had her imperfections just like everyone else, like the tiny scar on her eyebrow and the one on her lip that seemed to be almost invisible. I also noticed her stray hairs and that one freckle that rested on her jawline.
She was perfectly imperfect, and I realized that the more I continued to stare at her.
Then she looked at me, most likely catching me in the act of staring at her. She smirked a bit, asking, "So, who's your favorite character in this movie cause I know you have one."
It was cute the way she asked me, and she was absolutely right that I had one. I mean who the hell wouldn't have a character crush in a movie full of girls?
I glanced at the TV and then back at her, taking in how the glare from the TV made her light eyes glow in the dark. I shrugged, "I like Chloe the most I guess, I'm a sucker for pretty eyes."
Her eyes never pulled away from me, "I thought you were about to say redheads. I was going to be disappointed."
I felt myself blush, knowing that Drew was kind of comparing herself to the actress. I thought it was adorable how comfortable she was getting around me, and I was praying she wouldn't change her mind about it.
I pressed, "And yours?"
I watched her smirk continue to tease me as she responded, "Um, I don't know, maybe Stacie."
I laughed out of spite, "Seriously?"
She shook her head, "No, I just didn't want to say the same one as you. I like Beca too though."
I shoved her slightly and laughed, "Screw you."
She eyed me a little longer this time, as if she was thinking something inside her magnificent brain. I wanted to know her thoughts, and I wanted to know what she thought about me, but that would require me asking her and I wasn't brave enough for that. She was so gorgeously intimidating that I was terrified to say the wrong thing. I knew I shouldn't be scared but I was.
The movie passed with ease, my mind completely erasing any worries or stressful thoughts as me and Drew held small talk throughout the movie. It was easy with her, easier than with anyone else I had spent time with within the last four years, excluding Maria. Drew made me feel anxious and calm at the same time, which was confusing but also really amazing in its own sense.
She calmed me because she was so easy to talk to, I was comfortable around her and it was like I had known her for years when it had only been around a month. Then on the other hand she made me extremely nervous because she was good looking, intense, and mysterious in her own ways. She didn't give too much up, which made me assume things, but like Maria had pointed out... I always have loved a challenge.
But Drew was an entirely different ball game, and figuring someone like her out proved to be tough.
When the movie ended I realized we had almost finished my bottle of wine and were out of popcorn. I felt the pressure in my bladder as I moved around, realizing I needed to escape for a second.
I stood, "I need to use the bathroom."
Turning she came face to face with me, her eyes engulfing me. I felt the air in my lungs stop for a second, then she pointed upstairs, "Just walk in my room, it'll be to the right."
I escaped her presence as I jogged up to her loft, walking into her room and taking in the design of it all. You could tell a lot about someone from their room, and I took in how her bed was made half-way, as if she had tried to organize a bit before I got here.
Her pillows were scattered at the top, the grey-blue comforter wrinkled from being slept in and the tiny lights that hung from her ceiling gave a comfortable glow. I envied her bedroom and how it made me feel warm and comfortable. It was a safe haven, and I decided that was enough looking for now.
I shut the bathroom door behind me, running the water over my hands as I tried to calm my heart rate a bit. I hadn't noticed until now but I felt as if I had run five miles. I was on fire from the tension between me and Drew, and I wondered how she stayed so level headed. I was never the one to get flustered over someone, but here I was finding it hard to breathe when I was within five feet of her.
I dried my hands, knowing that I shouldn't stay gone too long since Drew was downstairs waiting for me. Honestly I just wanted to talk to her and finish my bottle of wine, the movies could wait for another time.
I took a deep breath and exited the bathroom, coming face to face with Drew herself who seemed to be checking her cell phone. She set it on the nightstand, looking calm as ever but I had been a little caught off guard.
She pushed her hands into her sweatpants, "Sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out."
I shook my head, trying to hide the fact that my heart was beating right out of my chest. I smiled, "I'm good."
I took this as an opportunity to study her room further, taking in the wall that was actually some sort of a bookshelf. It had books piled inside, and I remembered whenever Drew had told me she had loved to read. I didn't think she was into it all that much, but damn she sure had a collection.
She voiced from behind me, "Yea, it's a bit excessive."
"No, it's awesome," I countered, seeing how all the books were crammed inside the giant bookshelf. I read some of the titles that consisted of the basics like Pride and Prejudice, The Great Gatsby, and so on. I figured she must've kept some of her novels from high school but other's she most likely bought. It was amazing considering most people just bought it electronically rather than the actual hardcover.
But Drew was a bit different than most.
I asked, "You've read all of these books?"
She nodded, growing a bit more excited at my peaked interest over her reading hobby. She sighed, "I don't know why but when I read a book I grow attached to it, which inevitably results in me keeping it."
I couldn't help but smile as I continued asking her questions, knowing she would willingly talk if I did. "What are you reading now?"
She looked down on her nightstand, picking up a book that consisted of a black cover with a few words. She handed it to me, "Tipping The Velvet, it's really good."
"What's it about?"
Drew seemed to grow even more excited at me asking, which was amazing because Drew really didn't show much emotion. She walked up to me, "Well it's set in the Victorian era, which is different but it's a lesbian romance. You just need to check it out for yourself because I'll end up spoiling it for you... but I really want to spoil it."
I smiled widely at her eagerness to talk about the book as I handed it back to her. I nodded, "Maybe in a few months when I'm not running around trying to keep hold of my sanity."
She smirked, placing the book back on her nightstand, "I'll be happy to lend it to you whenever I finish it."
We were close again and suddenly I felt the familiar flames return, wondering if I would ever grow immune to them. It was always consistent, the heat between us, and a part of me wished it would give me and break while another part of me loved ever burning second of it.
I watched her eyes flick to my lips as she asked, "Are you in the mood for another movie or...?"
I shook my head, running my tongue over my parched lips while I felt the tension contract between us. Right now I was in the mood to taste Drew's lips, and I was hoping I was making that very clear by the looks I continued to give her. I felt like I was burning alive under her gaze, and the only way for the flames to be put out was by her kiss. I was desperate for it to happen again, and ever since last night I had felt the undying need for her.
And since last night I had finally realized that the tension between us was certainly stronger than I had ever felt before.
She seemed to understand what was going through my head, and I prayed that it was because she felt it too. I watched her swallow, as if she was trying to contain composure long enough to ask me another question.
She whispered, "Do you want to get drunk?"
I smiled, making sure to keep my voice low, "No, but if you want to finish that bottle of wine we can."
A light smirk teased her lips and I felt my legs quake at the sight. She looked magnificent right now, and the way her eyes were sucking me in was all too much for me to withstand.
Suddenly I couldn't help myself, and for the first time since I had met Drew I initiated contact. I let both of my hands grab her neck, gently pulling her into me as I felt the emotions explode in my stomach like fireworks. She tasted like my wine, and she smelled sweet, and her lips naturally felt great pressed to mine. My heart was hammering so loud in my chest I was convinced she could hear but in this moment I couldn't care less.
Suddenly I felt her hands lightly grabbing my waist, like if she didn't hold me close to her I would pull away to quick. I didn't want to pull away, ever. The tension was finally breaking me down and just giving me every reason to pursue what I had been craving for the past three years.
Her tongue didn't try to invade my mouth but her lips quickly captured my own, and I realized in this moment that Drew could be gentle but also be aggressive. I was short of breath but I didn't want to stop, I didn't want to pull away, and so I continued holding her face against mine.
My legs felt like they were made of elastic, and suddenly I realized I needed to rest on something. I moved Drew towards her wall, pressing her back against it as I pushed my body against her. I could feel the anxiousness in our kisses, along with the shortness of breath between us.
My hands gripped her waist, pushing against her as I felt something in me throb with anticipation and desire. I hadn't been this turned on in years, but here I was barely being able to control myself as I attempted to hold Drew against me for support.
There was something undeniable between me and Drew, and I knew she felt it too. It was overwhelming, and the fact that my heart was in overdrive only made me believe that something like this couldn't be healthy.
Then suddenly Drew's lips released mine and I heard a tiny breath that sounded like, "Stop..." I pulled back whenever her strong hands gripped my arms, as if she was terrified and angry at the same time. I looked into her light eyes that seemed to be somewhere else right now but all I could feel was her tight grips on my arms. I watched as she was shaking her head but her eyes never pulled away. She whispered again, "I can't..."
Something in her gaze frightened me, as if she was trying so hard to keep something away. She was fighting something inside her head but I had no idea what it could be, and right now it was hard to focus.
It wasn't until her hands released me from their grip that I asked, "What's wrong?"
I wasn't technically asking her why we couldn't take it further, but I had rather meant to ask why she looked so frightened. My words had failed me but she obviously took my comment the wrong way, "I just... I can't..."
I stepped away from her, attempting to give her space as I realized that she probably thought I was disappointed or something. I mean I kind of was, but not for the reasons she probably thought. I hadn't planned on actually getting that carried away but now I understood that I was willing but she wasn't. She wasn't prepared to take it further and that was okay with me, I just wasn't sure if she understood that.
As she paced away from me I moved closer, grabbing one of her hands gently, "Drew, what's wrong?"
Her light eyes held that familiar darkness that I had seen multiple times before. I had only seen it whenever she had been in the ring fighting someone, never whenever she had actually been face to face with me. It was scary and I didn't know if I could actually handle her if anything did take a turn for the worst.
I just didn't want to think like that.
She leaned against the wall, shaking her head, "It's just... it's hard, Bree. I'm sorry..."
She looked so broken, as if three seconds ago she hadn't been kissing me back. I felt horrible because I thought I had done something wrong but I needed to understand what was wrong with her.
I walked closer, holding her face in my hands, "Don't be sorry... if you don't want to you have the right to tell me no, Drew..."
Her eyes shot up to mine, her gaze confused and torn, "It's not that I don't want to... I just... I just can't. I can't explain it..."
Immediately I was confused but it didn't seem like Drew was up for talking. She seemed torn, hurt, and a bunch of other confused emotions that I was positive she didn't want to reveal to me. I desperately wanted to know though, but pressing her right now wouldn't be a good decision.
"You don't have to explain anything," I answered, hoping that I could recover Drew from whatever dark place she was in right now.
It was scary, the look in her eyes as if her vision was clouded with toxic images that existed only in her memory. I hated how upset she looked but I was also terrified at how angry she could become, and that was something I was desperately trying to prevent.
I sat her next to me on her bed, wondering what exactly I should say to her. Should I apologize? I mean I honestly didn't know what I should apologize for but I tried anyway, "Drew I'm sorry-"
"It's not you," she interrupted, shaking her head as she took a deep breath. "This is what I was talking about whenever I said I wouldn't be able to give you everything you want."
What exactly was she talking about? She couldn't have sex? Did she not want to? No, she had just confirmed that she did in fact want to, so what was the problem? I was genuinely confused and I had no idea what to do.
I continued trying to talk her out of the dark place she was in, "Talk to me, please... you're worrying me..."
Shaking her head she fidgeted with her hands, letting me know she was nervous again. I didn't know if Drew actually had something mentally wrong with her but I was hoping she would explain her behavior soon. I didn't want to assume things on my own because they were usually wrong anyway. I wanted her to open up to me and tell me what was going on in her clouded mind.
She started, "I... I used to..." her sentence faded, as if she was trying so hard to tell me but her mouth was refusing. She shook her head, "I can't talk about it."
For some reason something didn't seem right, and I wondered if there was something hidden inside Drew. There was some kind of fear that she was suppressing and was afraid to face. Something had happened to her years ago, something had driven her from her hometown whenever she was just eighteen. I wanted to know but I needed her help on that one.
I tried my best to comfort her, "Drew... it's okay. You don't have to tell me anything. It's fine..."
She was taking deep breaths and honestly I was scared shitless right now. I had no idea what was wrong with her, but the way her hands were now clenched into fists made me terrified. The last thing I knew how to handle was someone like Drew blowing up and possibly hurting me. It didn't seem likely but I was thinking of the worst case scenario.
I whispered, "I can leave..."
She shook her head, "Please don't..."
I was so confused it was ridiculous, but that didn't matter because Drew needed me. I didn't know what was going on but I wasn't leaving her alone like this. It would be selfish to run away, and even though I probably should've done that a long time ago, I knew turning my back on her again wasn't likely.
She needed me somehow, and I was going to be there for her.
She seemed to calm down a bit, regaining her head as she looked down at her hands. I knew she was embarrassed over what she had just showed me but she had no reason to be. Something I had done had triggered the response, and I was just hoping she would give me something to ease my mind.
I was genuinely worried about her, and that was something I wasn't used to feeling.
One of my hands timidly landed on her thigh, which didn't gain much of a response and I was grateful. I didn't understand what was going on but I was praying silently that Drew opened up because right now I believed we both needed it.
She whispered, "Bree... I'm not right..."
I understood she was trying to tell me something I just didn't really know what. I shook my head, "Drew... what do you mean?"
She refused to meet my eyes but I was sure that she had calmed down enough to open up to me. I didn't know how much information I was going to get out of her but I was hoping it would be enough for me to at least understand a little bit of what was going on.
She began, "Like I'm fucked up. My heads fucked up and it's... I don't know how to explain it..."
She thought that she was mentally unstable? I didn't understand why she would think that but it wasn't until now that I realized I honestly didn't know Drew at all. I knew nothing of her personal life. I didn't know where she had come from or what her parents did for a living. Hell, I didn't even know if she had parents. I literally knew nothing about her or where she came from and I was sitting here in her bedroom.
What the hell was I doing?
I shook my head, fear overtaking my responses now, "Drew you don't have to..."
"No," she demanded, pain apparent in her voice, "Because I'm gonna scare you away too and I don't want to..."
I felt something in her response, I felt the pain of abandonment, as if she had been left alone so many times before. She had experienced something traumatic, I just had no idea what had happened because it was obviously hard for her to talk about, and I wanted to know, desperately.
She needed to know she wasn't going to scare me away. Sure, I was scared for her and a little bit for myself but I wasn't leaving. I had made her open up to me and give me a chance, the last thing I was going to do was up and leave the second things got tough.
I shook my head, "Drew, I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to leave."
Finally she allowed herself to look at me, and even though there was a lot of darkness laced in her eyes I saw a hint of light. I knew what I had said touched her, and something in my voice gave her the reassurance she needed. I was scared, but I wasn't running any longer.
That's just not who I am anymore.
I laced my hand in hers, pulling it into my lap as I attempted to comfort her further. She greatly needed it, and I was more than willing to give her what she needed without a second thought.
I soothed, "What did I do wrong? So that I know not to do it again..."
I could see a look cross her face, something that made even my heart quiver in pain. Drew was damaged, something in her had been broken for so long that mending it seemed to be completely impossible. The thought of someone actually hurting Drew enraged me, it made my face hot and my hands ache to hurt someone.
Seeing her hurt made me hurt, and I wasn't sure how to interpret that.
"You didn't do anything wrong," she responded, looking confused as to how she was going to explain this. Her grip tightened on my hand slightly, "I just... being touched like that ... I don't know. I don't know why but it gives me this heaviness in my chest and for a moment I couldn't breathe... It just brings back memories of him..."
She stopped then, looking down at our hands that were joined together. Something in me realized what she was trying to tell me, and suddenly I understood why she felt so threatened in that moment. Someone had abused her, somehow and someway someone had permanently scarred her. Drew was afraid, whether it was afraid of being sexually touched or whatever... but she was afraid, and now I understood.
I was afraid to press her further, too scared to set her off again but my mind was raging with questions. I was genuinely worried about her mental and physical health, and I wanted to understand what had happened to her. Knowing the truth about someone was scary and put a lot of weight on your shoulders, but for some reason I didn't care about the consequences. I wanted to know Drew, I wanted to understand her, but most of all I just wanted to help her.
I just wasn't sure if I was capable.
Eventually I couldn't take not knowing anymore, "Did someone hurt you?"
I wasn't sure if asking was the correct approach but I didn't know if she was able to answer it on her own. Maybe she needed a push, and maybe she needed to understand that I was asking because I was worried. I didn't know how long ago this could've happened or who it could've been but it was terrifying knowing that she was afraid. What she was afraid of I had no idea, but I wasn't going to give up on her.
She let go of my hand and brought both of her own together. She fidgeted but I could tell there was fear laced within her movements. She was hiding something, something she was forced to suppress for a long time.
"Bree... I can't..."
I didn't want to push her but God it was troubling, and I never got this worried unless I genuinely cared about someone. I cared about Drew, on levels I never would've imagined considering my past relationship. I had allowed myself to be vulnerable and had given Ashley the chance to really hurt me, but here I was opening myself up to Drew and praying she did the same.
I needed her to open up and tell me what the hell was going on.
I kneeled in front of her, desperate for her to tell me what was happening inside her brain that seemed to have been poisoned with toxins only she herself could see. I grabbed her hands from her lap and spoke softly, "Drew, you can trust me. I'm not going to leave... I'm just worried."
I could tell she was debating something, and I hoped it was her considering telling me the truth behind whatever had happened. I wanted to know why she was so afraid, and why she had anxiety issues on being touched. The assumptions I allowed myself to gather didn't make me feel good but I knew it was very likely someone had taken advantage of her. Someone had physically hurt her and made her terrified to be touched, and suddenly I wasn't sure if I was ready to take on something like that.
She shook her head, the answer literally on the tip of her tongue. I could see the want to open up in her eyes, I could feel the pain she was battling, and I knew that this is why she hadn't been able to get close to anyone in five years. This very problem was holding her back, and it had probably scared off people who couldn't handle someone like Drew.
But I was not other people, and I had run from pain and suffering for three years of my life now. Now I was tired of running, and I was tired of simply going through the motions. Maybe my entire problem I had been facing was because I never stopped to water the flowers, I had just admired them while passing. My problem was that I never stopped to help someone that needed it.
I was convinced this was my chance to develop something meaningful again, and if Drew let me that's exactly what I was going to do.
Her fragile voice cut through my ears, "His name was Evan..."
She was telling me the truth, and suddenly my skin ran cold at the mentioning of his name. I silently attempted to prepared myself.
"He was my stepbrother... he used to joke with me at first, whenever we first met but it just escalated... He would corner me in my room when we were alone at the house, he would force me... he touched me... hit me..."
I cringed suddenly, wondering if anyone besides me knew this about Drew. Her eyes were glazed over, no expression or emotion on her face. It was as if she wasn't here. There was that familiar darkness in her eyes, the darkness that would strike fear into the strongest of them all. I didn't know if I could handle something like this but leaving was out of the question now...
"I don't tell people because the people I told would just leave, saying that they couldn't handle someone like me or my fucking problems...
My heart ached for her, and suddenly I understood that Drew was in a very dark place, or she had been whenever this was happening to her. I didn't know how to handle something like this, I mean I had never been faced with it, and I honestly was stuck on what to do.
Something was broken inside Drew, something that had been broken a long time ago, and I had no idea how to handle any of it.
**A/N**
Hey guys, if you enjoying "If I Fall" please let me know by voting, because they do make a difference! It lets me know if I'm doing something right and it'll only take a second, literally. I will be updating "If I Fall" EVERY 3-4 DAYS. I do this simply because if there is a deadline I must meet I WILL meet it. So be on the lookout for the next chapter soon!
ALSO, if you're also an aspiring writer and need a few tips check out my ABOUT ME on my profile! And I want to mention Autumn Breeze in this chapter because she's a great writer and I'm sure a lot of you know of her. She's now published so go check out her book "Loving Anna" and be on the lookout for her new one! LGBT writers need as much support as they can get and her writing is totally worth it.
- Lauryn