[listen to STRAWBERRIES AND CIGARETTES]
Lights dancing with the audience.
The music is addictive.
Everyone is loud. Dancing with the rhythm.
The smoke of the cigarettes are everywhere.
"Dude, you can get any girl you want. Kahit limang babae ay makukuha mo ngayong gabi, don't just sit and drink here!" Jake exclaimed. I smirked and taste the whiskey in my glass.
"Just do what you want, Jake." sagot ko.
"Stop bothering him, Jake. Why don't you hook that girl up?" inakbayan ni Theo si Jake at tinuro ang babaeng naka-tube dress, the girl is looking at me--smiling and obviously want to flirt and make out.
I rolled my eyes and sip my whiskey. Not my type. She can have Jake.
Tumayo ako kaya napatingin ang mga kaibigan ko sa'kin.
"Where are you going?" Theo dared to ask me.
I showed him my cigarette and walk away.
"Hahanap 'yan ng babae, I know him well." I heard Jake laughed.
"Gago! Ikaw ang laging may babae sa'ting tatlo." ganti ko.
Nagpunta ako sa veranda ng club at doon nanigarilyo, there are some people here but I don't care.
The night sky is beautiful, it's peaceful for others but it's different in the club.
"Hey, alone?" a girl with a ash gray hair ask me. I look at her from head to toe, she's wearing a bodysuit and a mini skirt. Her hair compliment her body and skin.
"Enjoying the view?" she smirk, "eyes up, Mister. Stop eye raping me." she hold my chin and our eyes met.
"Can you light my cigarette?" she smiled. I offer her my lighter.
"Thanks,"
"What's your name?" I asked.
"Sapphire. You?" she offer her hand.
"Reigo."
Instead of shaking our hands, I kissed her.
Her lips taste like strawberry, and it is the sweetest. Her smell is like a mixture of strawberry and cigarettes. And it's addicting.
"Do you want to sleep with me?" I asked her, panting. Wanting to taste her lips again.
"I would love to." she smiled.
I'm stopping myself to kiss her again in my car. Damn, what's wrong with me? This isn't right, my mind is screaming to kiss her, to touch her as if she's mine.
Nang makarating kami sa condo ko ay hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili na angkinin siya. She's the only girl who caught my attention, everytime we go clubbing and bar hopping, girls are usually doing their first move. Sila ang laging nagtatanong kung gusto ko makipag-sex sa kanila.
"Reigo." she called my name, I don't know what's the difference between her and the other girls but I like it when she's calling my name.
Her pleas is the sweetest thing I've ever heard that night. Not until I woke up without her beside me.
Hindi ko alam pero naiinis ako dahil bigla na lang siyang umalis, o talagang nasanay lang ako na ang mga babae ang nagmamakaawa sa akin para maulit ang nangyari sa'min. I don't know. It's been a week since I met her. And I've been looking for her sweet scent in every girl I met.
I should be the one who will leave. She would be the one who will beg for more.
"Reigo, do you want to have some fun?" a girl wearing a black crop top appeared to my face and caresses my chest.
"No. Remove your face in front of me. You look like a clown." I coldly stated. Halatang napahiya ang babae sa mga kasama niya, but I couldn't care less.
Inisang inom ko ang alak na nasa baso ko bago tumayo.
"You don't look like okay, dude." Theo tapped my shoulder.
"Stop pissing me off." sagot ko.
Of course I am okay. Except for the thing that I can't remove that damn girl in my head. I kept on hearing her pleas, her moan, the way she called my name that night. It's always on my head.
My mind is in haywire while I'm driving. I can see Sapphire's eyes in my head, I can hear her.
"Fuck!" napamura ako nang biglang may babaeng sumulpot sa harap ng kotse ko, luckily I stepped on the break and I didn't hit her.
I'm ready to scold her when I stepped out on my car but the irritation I'm feeling suddenly fades away when I saw the girl.
'Sapphire..'
Nakaupo siya sa kalsada, maraming tao ang nanunuod at sa halip tulungan ang babaeng nasa harap ko ngayon ay naroon sila sa gilid at kumukuha ng video. Idiot.
Binaling ko ang tingin sa babaeng hindi na nawala sa isip ko mula nang may mangyari sa amin.
She's wearing a white long sleeve dress and flat shoes, naka-braid ang buhok niya, walang make up, malayong malayo sa itsura niya nang una kaming magkita, but she's still beautiful. She's even prettier without make up.
While looking at her eyes, I know for some reason, she's really different from my flings. She's really.. different.
"Are you okay?" I asked her, I offer my hand.
"Y-yes.." even her voice is different from the first time we met. When I first met her, her voice is seductive, now it's sounded like innocent angel.
She hold my hand, it's shaking, and stand up. May ilang gasgas sa binti at siko niya.
Nawala ang balanse niya kaya napahawak siya sa braso ko, dahil doon ay may napalapit siya sa'kin. My breathing hitched when I smell her hair. Damn, she's still smells like a strawberry.
"Oh, my God! Hyacinth, are you okay?" a middle age woman approach us.
Hyacinth?
"I'm okay, mom. Don't worry." even her voice is really far from the girl I met in the club.
"Do you want to go to the hospital? To check up on you." I offer.
The girl I'm holding right now is a bit hesitant but when her mom nod, she can't do anything.
"Ma'am, can we talk?" I asked the middle age woman while the nurse are treating Sapphire or Hyacinth's bruises.
"H-huh? O-okay, sure."
Nasa gilid kami ng hallway, malapit sa silid kung saan naroon ang anak niya.
"I heard you called her Hyacinth," I trailed off, weighing my words to fit the situation. I don't want to creep up to them.
"What about it?" naguguluhan niyang sabi.
"Do you have another daughter? Do you know Sapphire."
"No.. Hyacinth is my only daughter." she avoided my gaze.
I nodded, mas lalong naguluhan. Is it normal to have someone you really look like? I think I'm going crazy.
"Where the hell are you?" Jake asked when I answered his call.
"Just somewhere." wala sa sariling sabi ko, "I'll be back. I'm doing something."
"Something, as if I don't know. Fuck well!" he laughed. Damn, crazy.
"Uhmm, thank you. You don't really have to bring me here," she trailed off, "but thank you. I'm okay na." she smiled at me. And I feel like my heart is going to explode.
"I'm Reigo, you?" instead of saying 'you're welcome', I said it.
"I'm Hyacinth. You can call me Cin!" she offered her hand, damn, I want to taste her lips.
"It's nice to meet you.." again, Sapphire. "Cin."
"It's nice to meet you too, Reigo. I hope it's not the last."
That's her last words before they left.
"Tangina, tinamaan ka na siguro," nakangising sabi ni Jake nang maikwento ko sa kanila ang frustration ko tungkol kay Sapphire o Hyacinth. I don't know if they are related to each other or she's just fooling me.
"Maybe they are twins?" Theo stated, shrugging.
"I ask Hyacinth's mom, according to her, Hyacinth is only child." halos matulala ako habang pilit pinagkokonekta ang lahat. I don't why it's a big deal to me when in fact it shouldn't have matter to me.
"Baka nagkalayo sila noong bata pa sila, o hindi totoong nanay nu'ng Hyacinth 'yung babae." mas lalong nagulo ang utak ko sa sinasabi nila.
"Son, will you please stop clubbing! You have to handle the company! Hindi ka na bata!" my mom exclaimed.
I stayed in my condo for the whole day, I want to think alone. But the heavens didn't allow me to.
"I told you, I don't want to handle the company. I want to become a doctor." tamad na sagot ko.
"Anak, you're our only son, ikaw lang ang magmamana ng lahat nang ito. Do it for me, please, son?" pakiusap ni Mama sa akin. Ganito na lang lagi.
"Do I gave a choice?" I asked her coldly.
Umalis ako sa harap niya, I know I can't control my life like Jake and Theo. Laging ganito, I can't get what I want, it's always 'do it for me'. Ang pagpunta sa club at bar ko naibubuhos lahat ng kinikimkim ko sa bahay.
Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakarating sa isang beach na medyo malayo sa amin. Basta ang alam ko lang, dito sa lugar na ito makahahanap ako ng katahimikan.
Hinubad ko ang sapatos ko at naglakad papunta sa pangpang. The cold breeze greeted me. Ang katamtamang init ng sunset ay tumatama sa mukha ko.
"We meet again!" I heard a familiar voice so I look back. And, there. A seductive angel I met in the club.
She's wearing a blue two piece, she's taking her time to walk as if she owns the place.
"Sapphire.." I muttered.
"Reigo," she plastered her seductive smile, "it's nice meeting you again." I stared at her, her hair is now color black. Just like Hyacinth.
"It's nice to meet you too," I greeted her back with no emotion in my voice.
"Oh, why so cold, dear?" she caress my face, teasing my lips.
"Why did you leave after--"
"We had sex? Plain and simple, we want one night stand, right? No string attached." she kissed the side of my lips. I can feel my friend down there slowly waking up.
Damn, she smells good.
"Do you want to be my fuck buddy?" she straight forwardly ask me.
"Are you sure you're asking me that?" I hold her waist, sinasabayan ang tukso niya.
"Of course. I can't get over you." she whispers in my ear and bit it.
We made out in my car, no one will see us since my car is tinted. I kissed her, own her, I love hearing her voice--asking for more, pleasing.
"Call me anytime you want, Reigo. I'm coming back to you.." she kissed my neck before stepping out of my car.
Napatingin ako sa iniwan niyang maliit na papel, naroon ang number niya. Hanggang ngayon gusto kong malaman kung ano ang meron sa kanila ni Hyacinth. Alam ko na may tinatago sila. I like being this intimate with Sapphire, but I can't remove Hyacinth to my system. They are making me feel something different.
"Anak, I want you to meet my friend's daughter. You don't have to worry, I'm not pushing you to her, just try." one afternoon, my mom bragged about it.
Of course, wala akong choice.
Sa isang restaurant ko imemeet ang anak ng kaibigan ni Mama. If I have a choice I will just call Sapphire and own her again.
"I-I'm sorry I'm late." pamilyar ang boses niya kaya gulat akong napatingin sa kanya.
"Hyacinth.."
"Reigo.."
We're staring at each other, I can sense how nervous she is for meeting me, and I can feel my heart beating like crazy again.
Naputol ang tinginan namin nang lumapit ang waiter sa amin. Tahimik kaming dalawa habang kumakain.
I sigh and try to start a conversation.
"So.. how are you?" I asked her.
"Uh.. Okay lang.. Ikaw?" she bit her bottom lip softly and look at me.
Damn, I can imagine that lips touching my mine.
I cleared my throat, "Good," I look away. Naglalaro sa isip ko ang paghawak ni Sapphire sa katawan ko.
"Reigo, uh, can we go somewhere? I-I'm not comfortable here.."
"Where do you want to go?" I asked her.
"Sa park na lang sana.. kung okay lang naman sa'yo!" kinakabahan niyang sabi.
"Let's go, then."
Tahimik kaming naglalakad sa park na malapit sa restaurant. Nauuna siyang maglakad sa'kin kaya malaya ko siyang matitigan.
She's wearing a baby blue off shoulder dress.
"Do you have sister?" I asked her, gusto kong malaman kung sino si Sapphire at si Hyacinth.
"Wala, nag-iisang anak lang ako. Baby pa lang kasi ako naghiwalay na ang parents ko. Hindi naman na nagkaroon ng anak si mama sa bago niyang asawa kasi madalas din silang mag-away." humarap siya sa'kin, naglalakad siya habang nakatalikod, nakaharap sa'kin.
"Bakit mo pala naitanong?" she asked me, smiling, it's as if she's saying its okay if I ask her more questions.
"Wala naman, curious lang." ngumiti ako sa kanya.
"How about you? Do you have siblings?"
"Wala rin, my parents married each other because of money. No strings attached. Just a pure business." I shrugged.
"Is it possible to have someone you really look like? I mean, you know.. pareho ng boses, mukha, lahat.." tanong ko, alam kong maguguluhan siya pero hindi ko kayang manahimik.
"Siguro? Lalo na kung kambal sila pero kahit ang kambal may pagkakaiba." she chuckled.
"Tama ka.. pero paano kung may makita kang gano'n?"
"Malilito, lalo na kung hindi sila related sa isa't isa. Or pwedeng nagpapanggap lang 'yung isa bilang ibang tao. Hindi natin alam."
I didn't get any information about Sapphire. She doesn't know Sapphire.
Dahil sa gulo ng utak ko ay tinawagan ko si Sapphire. She's not answering her phone.
"Kaunti na lang iisipin kong baliw ka na." Jake scoffed.
"Kung ikaw man ang nasa kinatatayuan ko, mararamdaman mo ang nararamdaman ko." seryoso kong saad.
"Hindi rin, kasi kung in the first place wala akong nararamdaman para sa kanya, wala rin akong pakialam kung bakit magkamukha silang dalawa. Stop denying, Reigo, you like Sapphire or that Hyacinth." that hit me, he's right.
I asked their help to know who is Sapphire Madrigal, after a week, wala pa rin. No records of Sapphire. No social media, no one knows her.
"Where have you been?" bungad na tanong ko kay Sapphire nang magkita kami ulit.
"None of your business, Reigo. We don't have anything but fuck buddies, right? Know your place." malamig na sabi niya. Alam kong may tinatago siya.
"Okay, then." then I kissed her deeply, she kiss me back, same ferocity of my kisses.
She bit my lower lip and smirk when I groaned. She keeps touching my body, my hands travel to her body.
"I want your body, Reigo.." she moaned, "nothing more.. I don't want your love, or anything.. No strings attached."
After the made out session with her, she left. Habang ako tulalang nakatingin sa ceiling.
"This is the last time I'll show myself to you. I don't think we can continue this kind of set up when you are already falling for me, aren't you?" she scoffed, "wake up, walang lalagpas sa hangganan na ginawa natin bago pa tayo magsimula."
That was her last words before finally cutting what we have.
My phone rang and when I saw my mom's name, I answered it.
"Hmm?"
"Where are you?" tanong niya, may ipapagawa na naman siguro sa akin.
"Condo, why?" tamad na sagot ko.
"Meet Hyacinth in the Rome's cafe." utos niya, of course if I say I won't she'll 'say do it for me'.
"What time?" tanong ko.
"By 4 pm."
"Fine,"
"Thanks, son!"
I shower before leaving. I just wear white long sleeve polo and faded jeans.
"I'll meet Hyacinth, saka na lang." sagot ko kay Theo nang mag-aya na uminom.
"Bro, I found out something about her, meet me when you are free." he said, eto ang gumulo sa utak ko habang nagdadrive.
"Kanina ka pa?" tanong ko kay Hyacinth nang makita ko siya. Her eyes looks different now. It looks like Sapphire's. Matalim, walang emosyon, but it fades when she saw me.
"Hindi naman, kararating ko lang din." her soft voice, it's Hyacinth.
"Let's order?" tanong ko, nang tumango siya ay tinawag ko ang server ng cafe.
"What's your order, ma'am, sir?"
"One strawberry shortcake and one strawberry shake," she look at me, nagtatanong kung ano ang sa akin.
"One iced coffee." tumango ang server, inulit niya pa ang order namin bago bumalik sa counter.
"Did your mom called you?" she bit her bottom lip and avoid my gaze.
"Yes, why?"
"Sabi ko kasi kay mama na gusto ko magpunta dito sa cafe para malibang pero gusto niya na may kasama ako. Sabi ko na h'wag na pero.." she sigh, "sorry, naabala pa yata kita."
"It's okay, wala rin naman akong ginagawa." ngumiti ako para hindi na siya mag-isip pa na naabala niya ako.
"You know what, you're nice din pala. Akala ko noong una you just want to, you know, have fun.. pero hindi naman pala." she confessed. Natawa ako, kung alam niya lang. Of course, she's not Sapphire.
"I'm like that, don't trust me. You still don't know me." I chuckled. I don't want to lie, she's too nice.
"O-oh.. Kagaya ka rin pala niya." walang emosyon na bulong niya, I don't know if she knows that I heard her o kung sino ang tinutukoy niya.
Her voice sounds like Sapphire.
'What the heck, Reigo, stop comparing them!'
"Sorry?" tanong ko, nagmamaang-maangan.
"H-huh? Did I say anything?" may kung anong takot sa boses niya.
For some reason, I know she's hiding something.
"Wala naman, akala ko ikaw ang nagsalita. Baka 'yung babaeng dumaan ang narinig ko." sagot ko na lang.
Naglibot pa kami sa isang beach resort dito, ayaw niya pa rin naman daw umuwi kaya pumayag siya.
Sa oras na magkasama kami napapansin ko ang minsang pagbabago niya. Sometimes her voice were cold, her eyes doesn't have any emotions, she's silent, just like Sapphire, but most of the time she's soft, she's kind just like Hyacinth.
May umiikot sa isip ko na posibleng sagot sa tanong ko, pero wala pa ring linaw.
Habang pauwi kami ay tahimik lang siyang nakatingin sa bintana. Her eyes seems cold as ice. She keeps pinching her palms and sigh.
I asked her many times if she's okay but she's not answering.
Nang maihatid ko siya sa kanila ay umuwi na ako. I'm just laying on my bed, staring at the ceiling when my phone ring.
Napakunot ang noo ko nang mabasa ang pangalan ni Sapphire. I thought she already cut anything what we had.
"Hello?" bungad ko, I can't hear anything. It's a dead silence.
Tiningnan ko pa kung patay na ba ang tawag dahil walang sumasagot.
"Hell--" naputol ang kung anong sasabihin ko nang marinig ko ang hikbi niya.
"Sapphire, where are you? Are you okay?" napabangon ako bigla.
Instead of answering me, her sobs become louder. She's almost screaming and it made me worry. Aalis na sana ako para ipatrack kung nasaan siya kay Theo at Jake pero napahinto ako nang tumawa siya, ang tawang madalas na naririnig ko kay Sapphire.
"Tama na, please. A-ayoko na," she uttered, mas lalo akong naguluhan nang umiyak siyang muli. It's Hyacinth's.
And before it processed my mind, she hung up.
Hindi matahimik ang isip ko kaya naisipan ko na tawagan si Mama.
"Ma, can I have Hyacinth's number?" tanong ko nang sagutin niya, I know Mom will think that it was something but I don't really care. What matters to me is Hyacinth and Sapphire.
Binigay ni mama ang number ni Hyacinth kaya hindi na ako nagdalawang isip na tawagan siya.
"Hello? Who's this?"
"I'm Reigo, is this Hyacinth?" deretsong tanong ko.
Natahimik ang nasa kabilang linya, "It's her mom, she's already sleeping. Why?"
"Is she okay?"
"Yes," biglang sagot niya pero nakarinig ako ng ilang sigaw at iyak kaya mas lalo akong nag-alala.
Wala akong choice kung hindi ibaba ang tawag, I'm not in the position to ask. I have to befriend with her. I have to know. They are making me crazy!
Dahil kay Mama ay mas madalas kong nakakasama si Hyacinth. Halos araw-araw kaming magkasama, nakilala na rin siya sila Jake at Theo. Sa bawat araw na kasama ko siya, mas napapalapit ako sa kanya. My day isn't complete without hearing her voice, without seeing her smile. Dahil sa ngiti ni Hyacinth, unti-unting nawala sa sistema ko ang presensya ni Sapphire.
Though, sometimes I can feel I'm with Sapphire and not with Hyacinth.
Hindi lang ako ang nakapansin sa minsang pagbabago niya, maging ang mga kaibigan ko ay nagduda. Alam naming may mali pero ayokong lumayo si Hyacinth sa akin.
"What are we doing here?" malamig niyang tanong, nagpunta kami kung saan kami nagkita ni Sapphire matapos ang nangyari sa'min.
"I thought you wanted to go to beach?" napatingin ako sa kanya.
"I want to go clubbing, stupid." she rolled her eyes, parang may sumipa sa dibdib ko nang mapansin ang pagbabago niya.
"I-i want to go home.." she uttered, closing her eyes. She's back to with her sweet and innocent self.
"Ihahatid na kita."
"Can't you hear me? Ang sabi ko sa club!" sigaw niya, natatakot ako sa pwede kong makita pero gusto ko ring makita kung tama ba ang hinala ko mula una pa lang.
"Hyacinth.." I uttered her name.
"Who the hell is that?! I'm Sapphire! Ah!" she angrily look at me and scream.
Damn, I don't know what to do anymore!
"R-reigo, uwi n-na ako, please..." she hold my hand, shaking, afraid. And I'm confused as hell.
"Putangina, ibaba mo ako! Di'ba tapos na tayo sa pagiging fuck buddy? Saan mo ako dadalhin?" sigaw niyang muli.
"S-sapphire, calm down. Let's talk when you're calm." hindi ko maialis ang tingin sa kalsada pero ang atensyon ko ay nasa babaeng katabi ko.
I don't know what name I will call her.
"I'm H-hyacinth... it's Hyacinth, right?" she's making me crazy!
Laking pasasalamat ko nang makarating kami sa kanila, sinalubong kami ng mama niya. She's worried when she saw me carrying her daughter.
"Hyacinth..." tanging sambit niya.
Tinuro niya kung saan ang kwarto ng anak niya. Sa kama ko nilapag si Hyacinth.. or Sapphire.
"Can we talk?" tanong ko kay Tita Minerva.
"Alam ko na ang itatanong mo, sumunod ka sa'kin."
Sa garden niya ako dinala. May juice na nakalapag sa harap namin.
"Tita, I met someone in the club. She's wearing a bodysuit and a mini skirt that night. Her name is Sapphire." panimula ko. Alam ko na alam niya kung saan patungo ang mga kwento ko.
"But she suddenly gone. No trace where she is, kung ano ang buong pangalan niya. Nawala siya. And the night I almost hit Hyacinth, I remember Sapphire, they look exactly the same but at the same time they are different." tumango siya sa akin na para bang naiintindihan niya ako.
"Sa panahon na nagkakasama kami ni Hyacinth napapansin ko ang pagbabago ng ugali niya. I can see Sapphire and at the same time, I'm with Hyacinth." I sighed.
"I know you like one of them, so sino sa kanila?"
"Both of them. When I saw Sapphire, the moment I tasted her lips, the moment I smelled her strawberry scent, she made me crazy. But when I saw Hyacinth, her innocent eye captured me."
"She has identity disorder... My daughter is suffering from identity disorder and PTSD.." she honestly said.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman, tanging pagkabog ng dibdib ko ang nangingibabaw.
"Bata pa lang siya ay napapansin na namin ang pagbabago ng ugali niya, akala namin laro lang.. na gusto niya lang maging kalaro ang sarili niya bilang Sapphire. But when she grew up, dressing different ways. I knew it was serious." she wiped her tears and smile.
"She developed PTSD when her step dad tried to harass her, doon lumala ang lahat. Minsan nawawala siya, nagpupunta sa bar o club, my Hyacinth is nowhere to be found, but Sapphire is freely dancing and having fun.." she sobbed.
"May treatment ba siya? To cure t-this disorder?" nanghihinang tanong ko. I can't believe thar the girl I like is suffering.
May idea ako, pero iba pa rin ngayong nalaman ko na.
"Mayroon, every Thursday and Friday nagpupunta kami sa doctor niya, but when Sapphire is showing we can't do anything but to lock her on her room." alam kong nahihirapan din siya, sa lahat ng tao, siya ang lubos na nasasaktan para sa anak.
"I'm not in the position to ask you this, but please, Reigo, watch her for me. Whenever she's Sapphire or she's Hyacinth.. they know you, my daughter.." she cover her face and cry.
Matapos ang usapan namin ay pumunta ako sa kwarto niya. I can hear her crying and screaming.
Pumasok ako sa kwarto niya, she's hugging herself and sobbing so bad.
"Why are you here? Are you trying to get rid of me too?!" she screamed and throw the pillows in my face. She's Sapphire. I can tell by looking at her eyes.
"No.." I tried to touch her but she avoided me. "Sapphire, I'm not trying to get rid of you, I'm looking for you.." napatingin siya sa'kin, hindi ko alam kung naniwala siya o hindi.
"A-are you sure? You don't want to kill me?" tumango ako sa tanong niya, malaya na akong nakalapit sa kanya. I wiped her tears away and caress her face.
"I'm here.. Tahan na, hindi ako aalis." I hug her and she hug me back.
"I-I'm real, right? I'm not an illusion of that Hyacinth, right? I'm... I'm Sapphire, right? You believe in me, right?" she's crying in my shoulder, she's in pain.
"I-I'm scared.." and now, her soft voice came back, it's finally Hyacinth.
"Don't be, I'm here for you. I won't leave you." humiwalay siya ng yakap sa akin at tinitigan ang mata ko. She close her eyes and lean to kiss me.
I don't know who am I kissing, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Sapphire or Hyacinth, whoever she is, I'm addicted to her taste. A mixture of strawberry and cigarettes.
Lagi ko siyang sinasamahan, sa check up niya o kung gusto niya lang lumabas. Ganoon pa rin, nakakasama ko pa rin si Sapphire sa katawan ni Hyacinth.
May oras na bigla na lang akong hahalikan ni Hyacinth, and I know for her, she's Sapphire. Minsan mild lang ang pagpapalit niya, pero minsan hindi ko na alam ang gagawin. Sapphire being Sapphire, she's always bold, fearless, and stubborn. She even tried to hurt herself because she thinks in that way, she can kill Hyacinth. Her mom doesn't know what to do anymore, she's crying-- afraid that she'll lost her daughter.
"What do you want to do?" I asked her, subtly glancing at her.
"Bar," she chuckled, I'm with Sapphire.
I can feel my chest throbbing, nasasaktan para kay Hyacinth. She trust me, but I'm always comforting Sapphire.
"Should I call Jake and Theo?" I ask her permission, baka kasi hindi niya magustuhan kung tatawagan ko na lang basta ang mga kaibigan.
"Yeah, the more the merrier." she smirk, she's wearing a yellow dress, it has a sleeves. She's dressing the same way with Hyacinth.
Tinawagan ko ang dalawa at sinabi nilang pupunta sila. Halos hindi ako uminom para lang mabantayan siya, if ever Hyacinth came back, she'll cry. Takot si Hyacinth sa ganitong lugar. She developed PTSD well her step dad tried to harass her and hurt her, kaya alam kong hindi niya magugustuhan ang lugar na 'to.
"How can you handle Sapphire and Hyacinth? Dude, it's not easy. Lalo na kung si Sapphire." Jake exclaimed, hindi makapaniwala sa sitwasyon.
"Sapphire is not that hard to handle, she just don't want to go, she thinks she really exist.." sagot ko habang nakatingin kay Sapphire na umiinom, "Hyacinth is always been kind. She's trying to understand everything."
"Let's dance, Reigo! You're no fun!" Sapphire pull me and bring me to the dance floor.
"I don't know how to dance, Sapp--" napasinghap ako nang maramdaman ko ang ginagawa niya.
Alam kong sinasadya niyang patamain doon ang pang-upo niya.
"You like it?" she smirk and kiss my neck, she's pressing her chest against to my chest.
"You're hard, Reigo." she whispers and lick my ear.
"Damn, woman, calm down." bulong ko, natatangay na nang agos.
"I'm calm, Reigo. Ikaw ang hindi." she plastered her seductive smile and walk away.
Napahinga ako ng malalim, mababaliw na ako.
Nilingon ko si Sapphire na pabalik na sa upuan namin pero napahinto siya at humawak sa noo. Kinakabahan ako na baka bumalik si Hyacinth habang narito kami.
I hold her hand and bring her to my car, I drive as fast as I can to get her out inside the place she hates. I sprayed her strawberry scent perfume so she can't smell alcohol in her body.
"W-where are we?" I sighed when she sounded so soft, my Hyacinth is here.
"You said you want to go to Rome's cafe. Pauwi na tayo, may gusto ka pa bang puntahan." I bit my lip because I'm lying.
"I just want to sleep, Reigo. Check up ko bukas, are you coming with me?" she said, nervous.
"Of course." I smile at her.
"Thank you," I hold her hand and caress it.
I won't deny it anymore, I fell in love with my Sapphire and my Hyacinth. Whoever she is, she's my addiction. Strawberries and cigarettes is always taste like her.
"When everything is finally get better, I'll court you." sabi ko, she smiled at me and nodded.
"I will say yes, then."
We both laughed and let the silence filled the car.
I asked Tita Minerva's consent about courting Hyacinth after her treatment, she said yes but she also asked me about Sapphire. Sinabi ko ang totoo, Sapphire and Hyacinth make me feel the same thing. They can make my heart crazy.
Treatment after treatment, check up after check up. It's not easy. Hyacinth is so damn tired, but the good thing is Sapphire never showed up again. I missed her, but I'm with Hyacinth.
And again, we thought it's a good thing not until cried at the middle of the night. She's screaming, she's mad. She's cutting her wrist.
"Akala ko ba hinahanap mo ako, then why are you helping them to kill me?! I am not an illusion of goddamned Hyacinth!" she keeps shouting at me, hitting my chest.
Takot na takot akong hawakan siya, natatakot akong masaktan siya. Tumutulo pa ang dugo mula sa pulso niya. My Sapphire is hurting, my baby is in pain. My Hyacinth is having a hard time.
"S-sapphire, please.." the only words I utter.
Damn, I'm so scared that even saying a word is not coming out to my mouth.
"Please what?! Hindi ako gawa-gawa lang! Hindi ako ilusyon! Wala akong sakit!" she's screaming, basang basa na rin ang mukha niya dahil sa pag-iyak, may mga kalmot na rin ang pisngi at noo niya.
"Sapphire, you are not an illusion, you are real. Please, Sapphire, calm down.." umiling ako at unti-unting lumapit. Natatakot na baka saktan niya ang sarili gamit ang kutsilyo na hawak niya.
"Stop saying bullshit!"
"I-i love you...my Sapphire.. my Hyacinth.. whoever you are, please, come back to me.."
Natigilan siya at nabitawan ang kutsilyo, she stared at me.
"R-reigo, I'm scared.." napaupo siya, and I know this time, my innocent Hyacinth is back.
"I'm here, I'm here. I won't leave you." I repeat those words over and over again until she fell asleep.
Pinunasan ni Tita Minerva ang mukha ni Hyacinth, kanina pa tulog ang anak niya pero hindi pa rin siya tumitigil sa pag-iyak.
"Thank you, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin sa tuwing nagkakaganito si Cin." she wiped her tears and tried to smile.
"I give you my blessings, make my daughter happy. Kahit siya si Sapphire o si Hyacinth, make her happy." she hold my hand and nodded.
"Get out." Sapphire's voice were cold, she didn't even threw a glance.
"Hindi ako aalis, sabi ko naman sa'yo na dito lang ako, di'ba?" I tried to smile even though I can feel my heart crashing.
"I don't need you here. You'll choose that damn bitch." galit ang boses niya, why does she hates herself too much?
"I hate that weak girl. I want to kill her. And you, all of you! You're all going to choose her over me." tumulo ang luha niya dahil sa galit.
'But, baby, that girl is you. And you are not weak.'
"I choose you.. because I love you.." nanghihina ang boses ko, natatakot na baka mas masaktan ko siya at tuluyan na siyang lumayo sa'kin. Bilang Sapphire man o Hyacinth.
"You don't love me.. you love that weak girl. You love the girl I hate the most."
How can you say I don't love you when in fact I'm dying to show you how much I love you. How can you hate that version of yourself when in fact I love every version of you?
"W-why are you crying? D-did I hurt you?" a soft voice, my comfort.. my Hyacinth is back, my Sapphire fell asleep..
"No.. I'm crying because I love you so damn much, baby." she wiped my tears and kissed my eyes.
"I'm sorry.. but loving me is painful. I won't stop you if ever leaving me cross your mind. I understand.." she smiled at me, at this moment, seeing her sad smile while crying is the most painful thing I've ever seen.
"I won't.. I'll stay. I don't care about the pain, as long as I have you." I kissed her forehead.
"You love Sapphire, right? You.. you love that version of me, and my treatment will kill her, mawawala siya sa'yo." she sobbed and hide her face in my chest. I caress her hair carefully.
"Hindi naman siya mawawala kasi nand'yan siya," I pointed her heart and my chest, "hindi siya mawawala kasi kasama natin siya lagi. And I love you, I love her. So damn much." I wiped my tears and says I love her.
Bawat araw naging mahirap para sa amin, lalo na kay Hyacinth. Sapphire wanted to live, she's fighting for herself. Hyacinth is in pain fighting the urge to give up.
Hyacinth's PTSD didn't help her, she's been crying all night, cutting her wrist, giving up.
"Mrs. Anderson," tawag ng doctor sa mama ni Hyacinth. Nasa hospital kami dahil malalim ang sugat niya sa pulso, she cut her wrist again last Monday, sabado na ngayon at wala namang pagbabago sa kanya. She remained Hyacinth for the past days.
Lumabas silang dalawa kaya naiwan kami sa kwarto.
"Masakit?" I sighed before holding her hand and stared at her wounded wrist.
She nodded her head but smiling. My Hyacinth is here.
"I feel like she's gone.." biglang sabi niya.
"W-what do you mean?"
"I can't feel her anymore. Wala na akong nararamdaman na nandito pa siya." she smiled at me, sa ngiti niya masasabi kong worth it and treatment niya.
"I'm so proud of you, Hyacinth. You made it."
I'm happy, but in the back of my head, I can hear Sapphire's scream, cursing me.
"Are you regretting it? Do you realize you love Sapphire more than you love me?"
"I love Sapphire, I love you. Walang lamang, walang talo. If Sapphire is here, then her. But now that you are here, you. I don't care anymore about who you really are, you're still my strawberry." I kissed the back of her palm.
That day everything went normal, no more personality changes, no more breakdown. We live as a normal couple. Yes, we're now a couple. Isang buwan na.
We traveled a lot. We made memories a lot. And I can't wait to create more memories with her. Mom forbid me to see her, but she can't stop me loving my strawberry.
Sunset. Shore. Her. Me. Kissing and tasting her lips. She's my addiction. The sweetness of her lips, the strong smell of her strawberry scent.
"I want to marry you.." I said between our kisses.
"I want to marry you too.." she said in between of her moan.
Everything went smoothly. As long as she's beside me, everything is perfect.
"Why do you keep calling me strawberry?" she suddenly asked, nangiti na lang ako nang maalala kung bakit, I started calling her strawberry after we first met.
"Because you smell like strawberry, and your lips taste like strawberry. I met you in the club, the mixture of strawberry and cigarettes in your lips is my addiction." I stared into her eyes.
"Stop staring, you're making me shy!" umiwas siya sa mga mata ko kaya natawa ako. We made love a lot but she's still getting shy when I'm staring at her.
"I love you.. I love you so bad, my Hyacinth." bulong ko, I closed my eyes and rested my forehead against hers.
"I love you, I love you until lifetime, Reigo." she whispers and that makes me smile.
We spent another week together in one of our beach resort, she doesn't want to go home.
Napapansin ko ang pagiging balisa niya sa tuwing inaaya ko siyang umuwi. I don't know what happened, she didn't tell me a thing. But I have a hint that it was all about her step dad. Her new step dad. Maging ang tawag ng mama niya, hindi niya sinasagot. Nagagalit siya sa tuwing sinasagot ko ang tawag ng mama niya sa akin.
"Hyacinth, gusto mo ba na umuwi na tayo?" masuyong tanong ko pero umiling lang siya. I can see the fear in her eyes.
The fear on her eyes fades but I can see anger crossed in her eyes. The anger I saw in Sapphire's eyes before she went gone.
Hindi ko alam pero natatakot ako. Natatakot ako na bumalik na naman siya, na baka mahirapan na naman siya.
"Because you tried to kill me.. they hurt me again and again.. ako na naman ang naabuso.. dahil sa kanya.. ako na naman ang nahihirapan." galit na bulong niya, napalunok ako sa kaba. Sapphire is back.
"Dahil sa inyo, ako na naman ang sinamantala. P-putangina.. he.. he touched me.. he touched her.." no words came out to my mouth, I just stared at her, cursing under her breath.
"That man.. he tried to raped me.. but I saved her. I saved myself.." she smiled, umakyat ang takot ko nang makita ang ngiting 'yon.
Tell me I'm wrong.
"I killed him.. that's why we're running away.. That weak girl..is running away.." she laughed.
"S-sapphire.." I utter her name. I gulped when she laid her eyes on me.
"You remember me! Are you happy that I'm back? I did a great job, right? I killed the guy who was trying to raped me." she clapped her hands and giggle.
I don't know what to do with her, I don't want to scare her but I'm also scared.
"You should rest, Sapphi--"
"Reigo.. I-i killed him.. I'm sorry..sorry.. I'm so scared.." but suddenly, my Hyacinth hug me. My tear fell, I'm in so much pain for her.
"Hush now, Hyacinth. Let's talk tomorrow, okay? Rest, pagod ka lang.." I kissed her forehead and whispers my I love you's until she fell asleep in my arms.
I put her down on our bed, tinanggal ko ang nakaharang na buhok sa maamong mukha niya.
Tinawagan ko si Tita Minerva para magtanong, sinagot niya ang tawag ko.
"Keep my daughter safe, please.. I'm begging.." she's hysterically crying.
"Tita, can you tell me what happened. Sapphire.. she's back.. may sinabi siya sa akin. I'm.. I'm going crazy, tita." pabulong na sabi ko, takot na baka marinig ako ni Hyacinth.
"She killed him when my boyfriend tried to touch her, he tried to harass my daughter...she's so scared, she protected herself from him.. please, keep her safe, kahit anong mangyari, bumalik man siya bilang Hyacinth, h'wag mong hahayaan na sumuko siya sa pulis." halos hindi na kami magkaintindihan dahil sa iyak niya, she's sobbing badly. My mind is in haywire.
"Pero, tita, self defense ang ginawa niya. Hindi niya 'to ginusto." katwiran ko, there's nothing wrong to protect herself from that dimwit.
"Self defense.. yes, it was..but t-twenty stabs, his face cannot be recognized anymore..he's totally tortured.." she's shaking.
My jaw dropped. No.. She can't do that. Nanghihina akong napaupo, my knees are shaking badly, my mind cannot process everything.
"Tama na! Please, don't.. don't touch me.." I heard Hyacinth's please. She's having a nightmare.
"Hyacinth, I'm here. I'm here.." I cried with her for an hour. She's suffering, and I'm hurting.
"Reigo, I'm a murderer.. I killed him.. I stab him, not once.. but a lot.. I'm a killer!" she scream her every frustration. She's hitting her head in the wall that's why I hold her waist and hug her.
Wala akong magawa.
"He fucking deserves it! Sana.. sana sinunog ko na lang siya! He.. he fucking touch me!" her voice is like a thunder.
"Hindi mo kasalanan.. wala kang kasalanan.."
Our normal days become like this, she's crying, breaking down, hurting herself.
"Pagod na ako, Reigo. He's always in my dreams, he's touching me." she sobs, I wrapped my arms around her waist and hug her.
"Rest, I'm here." I can feel her shaking her head.
"Ayoko na.." humiwalay siya sa yakap ko, "pagod na ako."
My whole world turns upside down. My strawberry is giving up.
"What do you want me to do? Tell me, Hyacinth. Gagawin ko lahat.." umiling ako, pilit nangungumbinsi.
"Call mom, tell her where we are. Fetch her." she show me her smile. The smile she showed me everytime.
"Okay, okay.. wait me here." I kiss her forehead and nose.
Alam kong pasuko na siya, alam ko na malapit na siyang magpaalam. Paano na ako pag sumuko siya sa pulis?
"Tita." tawag pansin ko kay Tita Minerva nang makarating ako sa kanya.
"She's waiting for you," umiiyak na sabi ko. She just hugged me and cried with me.
Dahil may kalayuan ang beach resort ay nagtagal kami sa biyahe.
I'm having a bad feeling that if I reach the beach resort, I won't be able to see her again.
'Stop over thinking, Reigo!'
"Calm down, hijo. You're shaking." pansin ni Tita sa'kin.
"Tita.. bakit pakiramdam ko iiwan ako ng anak mo?" natawa ako sa tanong ko, since I met her, I felt happy, but I'm also dying.
"My daughter loves you. Hindi niya gagawin 'yan." she smiled at me. The familiar smile I've been seeing to her daughter.
Nang makarating kami sa beach resort ay pagtakbo akong nagpunta sa tinutuluyan namin.
The house is dead silence. Malinis, walang bakas na nagwala na naman siya dahil sa pag-iyak.
"Hyacinth.." tawag ko, walang sumasagot.
Sa halip makaramdam ng kapayapaan, I felt something pinched my heart. My heart is beating so fast, and every beat is throbbing.
There are rose petals scattered around the house. Para bang may surpresang nag-aabang sa'kin. Nagkatinginan kami ni Tita Minerva, she nodded at me, encouraging me to walk.
Sinundan ko ang petals na papunta sa kwarto namin. All the hopes in my heart suddenly explode when I finally opened the door.
I wish I'm just hallucinating.
Because I saw the girl I've been loving since the day we met, hanging. She's naked, her blood is dropping from her wrist.
Halos matuyo na ang dugo sa sahig. She's pale. Some dried tears are visible in her cheeks.
I stood there, staring at her naked body. Lifeless.
Unti-unting tumulo ang luha ko.
I can't accept it.
Lumapit ako sa kanya, binaba ang katawan niya at binalot sa kumot. I wiped the dried tears in her cheeks, I kissed her bloody wrist. I hugged her cold naked body.
"Wake up.. please.."
I can hear tita Minerva, screaming in pain. She hold her daughter's hand.
"Hyacinth.. bakit naman ganito?"
I begged, I cried. I will do everything just to have her again but she didn't open her eyes again.
One week. One week after I found her surprise, I found a letter in the side table. May bakas ng dugo. Her blood became the seal in her last letter.
Libing niya ngayon. Nakatingin ako sa kanya, my strawberry is peacefully sleeping. She's so breathtakingly beautiful.
She's wearing a white long sleeve dress and light makeup.
I caressed her face in the glass of her coffin. I miss kissing her lips. I miss tasting her.
"Tara na, it's time.." her eyes were swollen.
Si Tita Minerva, ako at parents ko lang ang dumalo sa burol at libing. Tita Minerva lost her consciousness because of too much crying. Ako? I'm not crying, but I'm bleeding.
Matapos ang libing ay inuwi ni mama at papa si Tita, ako naman ay nagpaiwan.
I didn't dare to read her last letter during her wake, baka kasi hindi ko kayanin pero ngayon, kailangan kong kayanin.
'My dear, Reigo,'
That's the thing I read but I burst out in crying.
'Paano na ako, Hyacinth?'
I took a deep breath and read her letter.
'I don't know where to start. I have so many things to say but I couldn't find the right word to say it. I'm so sorry to leave you like this. I'm just really really tired.'
I wiped my tears and continue reading it.
'I couldn't forget the first time I kissed you as Sapphire. I can taste the liquor in your lips, and when we met again, you called me strawberry. I'm sorry, Reigo. Hindi ko na kasi kaya, I know how tired you are. Masyado na kitang nasasaktan. You don't deserve a killer like me.
But I want to take this opportunity to thank you for loving me. Thank you for choosing me over and over again. Thank you for hugging me. Thank you for kissing me.
I love you. See you in my next lifetime, Reigo. And I hope, our next life it is easier than this life. I love you.
Love, Hyacinth and Sapphire.'
Umiyak ako nang umiyak, hanggang sa ako na mismo ang mapagod.
I want to see her. I want to hug her. I want to taste her lips. I missed her.
"B-bakit naman ganito? Ang sakit naman ng paraan mo para palayain ako. Sana.. sana iniwan mo na lang ako o sana nakipag break ka na lang sa'kin.. hindi yung ganito.."
I can see her in my mind, kissing me, hugging me. Smiling at me, holding my hand.
Every memories with her, lahat nakita ko. Lahat malinaw sa'kin. Masakit o masaya, nandito sa isip ko.
Our memories that can be compared to the sweetness of strawberries, but can also compared to the strong smell of cigarettes.
Until the end, our love tastes like a strawberries and cigarettes. It's always been like that.
And I can't to meet her again in our next lifetime, because this life was never been good to us.
Wait for me, my strawberry. I'll go after you.