36. SUFFER IN SILENCE
Eevi
He kept playing the piano while I was keeping my eyes closed. The song was beautiful, sensitive and emotional. After a while he stopped, so I opened my eyes. It was so emotional and beautiful that couple tears decided to show up. I placed the mug on the coffee table, and I wiped them away. Joel saw that.
"You have always been so sensitive." He said calmly, and I looked at him then. He looked at me under his eyebrows, and then he moved his gaze on the piano again.
"Music is my soft spot." I responded quietly. The sun was shining straight to Joel's back, and this combination of Joel and a piano looked like an art.
"You know that I'm worried about you? Like everyone else." He decided to break the silence. I watched him as he gently pressed those keys, mostly high notes. I came back to reality again. Here I see it how music is an escape for me. Joel knows it, he clearly wanted me to focus on something else for a moment. But I don't blame him.
But when he pressed those keys, they made quiet sounds, it made me relaxed. I didn't feel anxiety anymore. He didn't look at me, just staring at his fingers that played the piano quietly.
"I know that talking about own problems isn't always easy. You know what I have been going through, and still I'm fighting." He continued, and his tone was so calm. I have missed this.
We promised to let those fights stay in the past.
And now that we're talking normally to each other, this feels like a reward.
Who would've had thought that we can communicate without mocking each other.
"So.. Olli decided to invite you here. That I would talk to you." I said and took the mug back, it warmed my cold hands.
"Kinda. I know how you're feeling right now. Like, nothing is going to be better. You want to give up, you don't talk. He told me that you have been drinking a lot." He responded, still keeping his eyes on those piano keys.
"Why he didn't call to Niko? He's my brother and he has been going through a lot as well." I frowned.
Maybe I sounded a bit harsh now. But he didn't seem to mind. More likely he looked happy that I was talking. Keeping the conversation up, questioning Olli's decision. But this doesn't mean that I'm going to open up.
"Excatly, he's your brother. Would you talk to him?" He looked me under his eyebrows again.
I didn't have an answer for that. Or I did, in my head. But I didn't want to say it out loud. But my silence told him the answer. Yeah, maybe I wouldn't.
I love Niko and we can talk about everything, but still, he's my brother. Maybe it is easier to talk to someone else first.
Niko has seen me suffer too in the past, I don't want him to see me like this.
I feel pathetic.
"But you can't know it either what I'm feeling." I mumbled back. He looked at me, waiting for me to continue. This felt like too much.
Why is talking so hard? I kinda want to, but the freaking voice in my head yells me that don't open your mouth.
"No one will care."
"They don't understand, they can't understand."
"They will laugh, or roll their eyes."
"Keep your thoughts on your own."
"Suffer in silence."
Those words kept repeating in my head, while I stared the mug in my hands.
Joel wasn't saying anything. He didn't want to force me to talk.
Do I want him to know how I really feel?
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I can't stand when people are looking at me worried, I don't need any pity from anyone.
I know that talking would relieve all the pain inside of me, but I don't want others to know what is wrong with me.
This is just complicated.
"Do you want to explain how you're feeling then? No one can help you if you don't talk, you know it." He decided to open his mouth.
I placed the mug in to the coffee table again, and I buried my face with my hands. I tried to stay calm.
I can't start crying again. Not in front of him.
"Hey..." He quietly said and I heard how he stood up from the chair and started to walk towards the couch, towards me. He sat next to me, and placed his hand on my back, carefully. I didn't mind.
"Did something happen in here then? Did they do something you haven't told?" He asked clearly worried.
"Did something happen?" I said pissed and I looked at him with my red eyes. He looked kinda suprised.
"They fucking beated Olli! I saw it happening right in front of me and I didn't do anything about it!" I raised my voice and stood up. I didn't want to be near him now. I walked around with huge anxiety in my chest. Breathing felt impossible.
He still sat there, maybe he saw that it was better for him to stay there.
"You couldn't have done anything, they were very strong. I saw the other man when polices walked with them to the cars. He looked like an psycho, he would've had killed you easily." Joel only responded, and that didn't made me feel any better.
What if they had killed Olli? They almost did that, or I don't know what the other one wanted to do with the knife.
I kept walking a circle, and I pressed my fingers against my palms, it started to hurt. But I didn't have any interest of it. It kinda felt good, the pain. I was sure that Joel was looking at me strangely.
"Hey.. take it easy." He stood up and walked to me, placing his hands on my shoulders and it made me stop. But I didn't look at him.
Still I saw how he looked at my hands then, and carefully touched them. I moved my gaze on our hands. He touched me like I was made of glass.
He pulled my fingers apart from the palms, there where blood. Little bit. It got me shocked.
Did I really do that to myself?
He looked at my palms, and carefully with his fingers he touched them. It hurted a bit.
"I can't do this... why am I like this..?" I quietly asked with my weak voice. He didn't respond right away.
"What you can't do?" His voice was as quiet as mine.
Then I moved my eyes on his, he looked at me already. His blue eyes looked worried, but gentle.
"Anything..." I whispered. One tear was already falling on my cheek.
"We're all here for you. We want only the best, and we want you to get better. You have to get better." He started. Yeah yeah, it's always those same words.
Words, but no actions.
Those words doesn't heal me, they don't cheer me.
They are just words that they say, because they have to say them.
I just shook my head and my gaze was on our hands again.
"You have no idea how much your condition affects to Olli. He has been a different man. Some days he won't say a word about you, but then there is time when he doesn't stop talking about you. Because he's so worried and helpless. Two days ago when he came to the studio, he looked so tired and sad. And when Aleksi asked that is everything okay, he covered his mouth with his hand."
I moved my eyes on him again, and waited for him to continue.
"He started to cry. Joonas was the first one to react and he went to him. Olli wasn't able to speak, we all looked shocked. That's the moment when we all realized that this is serious now, really serious. Even Olli, who is the love of your life and a long time best friend, he can't help you. Luckily Tommi came here last day, we all talked about it that he's the one to talk to you. Because he has done that before."
All what he said, it destroyed my heart. And everything inside of me. I have been so in my own world that I haven't seen that Olli is in pain.
Because of me.
I can't describe how much I hate myself. That's the last thing I ever want to do, that the people I love are in pain and it's my fault.
"No..." I whispered and I started to cry. I covered my mouth with my hand, and I tasted the blood in my lips.
Joel let go of me and let me take couple steps back, he understood that I needed space.
"These two weeks has been straight from the hell.. I have been fucking drinking and crying and I barely have said a word. He has visited the store, he cleans here.. he even makes coffee for me in the morning before he leaves.. but I haven't drank it.. I haven't done anything..." I sobbed, Joel looked like he was sorry, and his eyes told me everything.
"But your condition -" He wanted to say something, but I kept talking.
"My condition? That doesn't fucking matter! What about his condition? Fuck.. his long time girlfriend was pure evil and he broke up with her, she didn't want to give up so easily. Even her brother came here to beat him up! Then I'm acting like a bitch, like I would be the victim here!" I speaked louder. I felt so much anger and sadness inside of me.. it felt like I was going to explode.
"You are the victim too! Your depression took the power, so don't fucking blame yourself." He almost shouted. He was frustrated too by now.
I heard the door getting open, and closed. But I didn't care now, I needed to get my mind clean from all the words and thoughts I have in there.
"Yes, it took the power! And I want it to be like that!" I shouted, and Joel frowned and looked so confused.
"My mind is a fucking big mess, and apparently I somehow enjoy this! That I'm suffering, crying and even drinking! It's fine that I am like this, but it's not fine if Olli or any of you are feeling like this!" I explained sobbing, and angry. I felt more eyes on me, but by eyesight was so covered from all the tears that I didn't know who they were.
"I don't know! I don't know what the fuck is happening, but I feel like I'm going to die!" I shouted louder.
And then there was pure silence.
No movements, no speaking, not any voices.
Even neighbours were silent, and they definitely heard me.
I blinked a few times, and wiped those tears away.
It actually helped a little that I said all those things out loud. But I know that everyone in this apartment got shocked. They didn't want to hear that.
Neither did I.
I saw Olli, Tommi and Niko. Those groceries Olli had in his hands, he placed the bags on the floor.
He walked up to me, and I felt so nervous that there were this many people, because of me. Looking at me.
"I'm sorry..." I whispered, and he took me into a hug.
It felt so good and safe. I think that Olli needed it so much too.
"Don't be.. we will get you some help..." He responded, whispering.
Honestly, I'm scared. That what the future will bring to me, has it anything for me?
I sure know one thing. I want to share the rest of my life with Olli. But not like this.
"But you have to say it out loud." He continued, still keeping his body close to mine.
I swallowed. Saying that out loud sounds scary.
Somehow I don't want to say it, but still I know it deep inside of me, that it's the right way. The only way to get better.
"I.. need.. help..." I quietly said every word. I felt how Olli's grip got tighter, and he kissed my head.
It felt like he was proud of me.
Maybe he was.
But I'm not.
Good job, she started to speak.
And I feel so sorry for Olli too...
Thank you for reading this story, leaving votes and comments. It means so much to me <3
Next chapter coming up probably on tuesday!
Spend a good weekend, stay safe and strong🖤