"I need your love to hold me, to drown me."
- e.k.
G A B R I E L
My heart was bursting. It was surely going to explode. I'd never had such an amazing week. I just scored two touchdowns, Ren told me she loved me, and I got the courage to kiss her - not her lips, but I still got close enough to put my forehead on hers and that alone meant so much to me. Now, I was holding River's baby in my lap as she bounced her legs and waved her tiny hands around.
Yes, I was against kidnapping, but River's child was going to be an exception. I was going to steal her without him knowing and keep her all to myself. I loved kids. They were so unknowing of the harshness of humanity and only knew what they saw. Most of the time, they didn't see anything. They just lived and laughed. Crying was a thing too, as was throwing tantrums, but Nia wasn't of that age yet. I'd have to stay away more often when she was.
That was a joke. I loved her, and I would learn to stay even when she cried and screamed because she was River's kid, and River was like my brother, making Nia my niece.
Soon to be Goddaughter.
River pulled me aside earlier today when I arrived at his house. He grabbed my wrist, gently, which meant something was suspiciously wrong and dragged me to the other living room his family rarely used. Essentially, it was there for decoration. He paced back and forth, looking stressed as fuck, and it was energy-consuming to hold back my laughter. Seeing River stress was like watching a celebrity smack a comedian. You didn't know whether laughing or crying was the correct response.
"This isn't my idea, so you can't be mad," He spat out, and I merely blinked at him.
"I can't be mad about an idea I don't know about," I said, failing to hide my smile.
"My mother wants me to baptise Nia," River breathed out, running a hand through his long brown hair. It was almost reaching his neck now. "And I only want to do it to follow tradition. Also, if I say no, she'll give me that look I always piss myself at."
I couldn't help it. My laugh exploded into the room, and I covered my mouth when River snapped his head to glare at me.
"Gabby, you tell anyone what I just said, and I will steal my gun back from you and knock you out with it," He tried to sound threatening, but it wasn't working on me.
"I'm sorry," My voice was muffled by my hand. "Please continue."
"Listen, I already chose the Godfather, but I need to make sure-" River interrupted himself and sighed deeply, running a hand over his face. "You're taking the position. If you want out, I'll choose Zion or Nico. Yes or no?"
My hand dropped from my mouth, and so did my jaw.
"Huh?"
"You grew up Christian, Gabby. I'm pretty sure you know what a baptism is, and what a Godfather is supposed to do," River stopped pacing and made sure I was looking at him. "Right?"
"I- Well, I haven't been the most religious lately," I fumbled over my words.
"And that's fine if you're not because you're a good person in your heart," River stepped closer to me and continued. "But what I'm really asking is if you're good with kids."
Oh, right.
"I can be," I tried to sound positive because my head was filled with things that were not, and I didn't want to let River down. "I'll be good with Nia. She's different. She's your kid, so yes. I'm good with Nia."
River stared at me, his brown eyes psychoanalysing me. I wanted to throw my fist into his face.
"Stop doing that," I pushed his face away from me, and he furrowed his eyebrows in anger. "I'm being serious. I said I was fine with it."
"Alright, good. No backing out now."
His words stuck with me for hours, even now as I sat on a chair in River's backyard with his baby in my lap. She was such a happy baby, always smiling at anything. Nia was quiet, too, quieter than any other baby I spent time with, and that says something because all my baby cousins were menaces.
Nia babbled, and squealed as she grabbed my shirt and reached a hand to touch my face. Her toothless smile made my heart warm, and my baby fever settled in.
That was until I heard the sound of Nico and Edvany and looked up to see Pearl behind them. My blood ran cold, and I was unaware that I stopped bouncing Nia on my leg. It was my fault I reacted that way. She didn't do anything wrong. None of this was her doing. Everything was in my head.
I refocused my attention on Nia and resumed bouncing her on my leg again.
"Okay, Gabby, I'm sure you've had enough time with her. My turn," Edvany made her way over to me, fast enough to make Nia giggle and reach her arms out.
"You hog," I grumbled under my breath as Edvany took the kid away and stuck her tongue out at me.
She grabbed Nia out of Gabriel's arms and swayed Nia around until she was giggling.
"I'm too young, I'm too young, I'm too young," Edvany mumbled, swaying Nia around while squishing her chubby red cheeks.
"That didn't stop River," Nico commented, and Edvany slapped his arm with her free hand. "What? I mean, it's not a bad thing because we have you."
He cooed at Nia and tickled her neck until she was laughing harder. She was the most precious kid, and I wanted to protect her with all my heart. I was to be her Godfather, and a Godfather shouldn't feel disgusted in themselves when holding their Goddaughter.
I felt my skin crawl like someone was staring at me, and my suspicions were right when I shifted my eyes to Pearl. I widened my eyes as she began walking this way, a slight conflict growing on her face before she reached me and took the chair to my left.
"Hey, Gabriel," Her slightly raspy voice greeted me, but I didn't let my eyes move to her.
"Hi," I kept my eyes on Nico and Edvany as they started to bicker on who should carry Nia.
"Who knew someone as uptight as River could have a baby that cute, huh?" Pearl murmured discreetly to me, and I felt my lips tilt upward.
"His mother wants to baptise Nia, and River will do anything his mother says," I decided to tell her, not knowing why. "He wants me to be the Godfather."
I thought I saw her smile from my peripheral vision. When I didn't mirror her action, she spoke up.
"You don't want to be?"
"No, I do," I confirmed, more to myself. "I just feel-"
My skin was becoming too hot, and when I cleared my throat and looked down at my hands, I found them starting to tremble. It was not consistent - my feelings. One moment, I wanted to praise River for choosing me to be the Godfather, and I was going to wear that name with honour, but the next moment, I was doubting myself.
How could I be Godfather to a kid? I could barely hold my baby cousins, my own blood, for more than a few minutes at a time. How was I supposed to do it with River? Yes, blood didn't make a family. I knew that the moment I was in middle school and made friends with the biggest idiots I'd ever met, yet the doubts were still there.
"Disgusting," I whispered the rest of my sentence.
"...You're mentally ill, Zandra. How can you even stand to be you every second of every day? Don't you ever get tired? Bored, lonely, disgusted?" Those were the words I taunted her with when in reality, I was only speaking to myself.
"How do you do it?" I turned my head to look at Pearl.
She was already looking at me with slight concern but paused when I asked her the question.
"How do you deal with her not being in custody?" I expanded. "You're her friend. Or ex-friend? I don't know, but you knew them, didn't you?"
I was curious. I wanted to know her story with them - with Zandra, Iris, and whoever the fuck Riot was.
"Yeah, I knew them," She replied honestly, staring right into my eyes. "Kind of. They never told me what they did, but I was stupid. I hung out with them because I thought I had no one else."
My jaw clenched. We had both made mistakes we could never take back.
"It was a mistake," I slanted my head toward her, intending for Pearl to understand my words. "Talking to her at the beach. Everything. It wasn't meant to happen."
I held the material of my shirt when I felt my palms begin to sweat. Pearl was the first person I was going to tell the full details to. She had every right to know. I was beginning to realise, she was the first person I should've told.
"Like how you said it was stupid. It was a mistake that you were there that night, too, right?" I asked her, desperate to know if she regretted it as I did.
She nodded earnestly.
"That guy - his name was Iris. He isn't bad," I saw Pearl go tense at my words.
She was friends with him. The small moment I saw them share that night was enough for me to know they were close, and shared a strong bond. I wondered what he was doing now and if they still kept in contact with each other. It wouldn't be good for her safety, though. He was a good person but the people he hung around weren't.
"He saw me-" I had to shut my eyes to gather the courage to tell her these things. "He saw me after it happened and helped me up."
"Wasn't," She said, and I held my breath when she said, "she did the same to him and killed him."
I opened my eyes and stared at my hands, reeling in the information she provided me with. Iris was dead. Zandra killed him after she did the same with me. Why did she kill him and not me? What made me so different from him? Why was she obsessed with me?
Pearl had lost a friend. I wanted to ask how she felt about that. A part of me wanted to make sure she didn't blame herself. None of it was our fault, even though sometimes our brain tried to trick us into thinking it was.
*tw: recount of rape* I'll put another * when it ends
"She held a gun to my head," I spoke so quietly that I wasn't sure she heard me. "After months of thinking she was my friend, she backed me into an alley. She forced me to lay down and- and threatened to shoot me if I didn't. I-I think I blacked out during it. I must've passed out because of how scared I was."
Somewhere within my recount, I had pressed a hand to my chest. It was comforting to do that now. Ren came to mind - her voice and her hand pressing mine to my heart, right before she told me she was in love with me. I used that as my strength to continue. She'd want me to get better, and telling Pearl this information was helping.
"You knew her," I glanced at Pearl, and asked what I hoped she had the answer for. "Why did she do it?"
"She was delusional. She was always delusional," She replied, drawing her eyebrows together.
There was more to it than that. There had to be more to it than that.
"Gabriel, she's going to be locked behind bars soon," Pearl sounded so sure of that.
"Last week," I instantly let the words spill from my lips. "I saw her. At the beach. I saw her, Pearl."
"Me too," She replied, slightly surprising me.
Pearl and Zion were safe, but what if there was a chance they weren't? What if they never made it back? I should've warned her before I left.
*
"She wanted me back," My eyes prickled with tears, and I tried to blink them back when I saw her eyes were beginning to gleam with tears, too. "I'm not going back. I can't. I'd die before letting her touch me again."
"She won't," Pearl shook her head, whispering to me in a way that made me want to believe her so badly. "Gabriel, she won't get you, alright? People are looking for her now. The FBI. They have so much on her. They'll get her, okay? I promise."
I promise.
I had to bite down on my bottom lip to stop it from shaking and nodded at her promise.
"Yeah," I lifted my gaze to the ceiling, murmuring a silent prayer to God in hopes that they'd catch her and put us out of our misery. "They'll get her."
Silence engulfed us, and we just sat beside each other for a few minutes. Nico, Edvany and Nia were inside by now, most likely seeing that we were in a deep conversation and leaving us be.
"Do you need water?" Pearl asked, standing up to go inside.
It took me a moment to realise where I had to be next before replying, "no, I need to see Serenity."
I got up from my seat and grabbed my phone from the table, tucking it onto my back pocket.
"Look, I'm sorry for unloading all that-" I started to apologise, but Pearl interrupted me.
"Don't fucking apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. I'm here for you, Gabriel. If you need to speak more about anything, you can."
"Don't you fucking dare apologise."
I was taken back to when Zion said the same thing to me when I had a panic attack in front of him, Nico and River. My eyes widened in realisation, and a smile grew on my lips.
"Soulmates, man," I made a quiet observation, catching onto her confusion as I did so. "Zion said the same."
I chuckled, and she smiled.
"But thank you. And you, too. I'm here to listen."
Pearl smiled wider and held her fist out for me to fist pump. I did before leaving to make a few stops before seeing Serenity.
S E R E N I T Y
I was going to go full bridezilla, even though I was only having a birthday party - one that I didn't plan or want.
Guests were flooding the foyer of my house, and I remained in my room with the door locked as I paced back and forth. Dawn was going to be here, but Indigo and Adara were not. The weather outside was a bit too cold for Indigo, and I threatened to not bring her any more cookies if she came here, and I insisted Adara stayed with her to keep her company. Dawn didn't let me get a word in. She was going to be here with me, and that was final.
What made everything worse was the fact that my father was among those guests. I was going to be sick. One look from him will have me crying, and I didn't want to do that on my birthday. It wasn't as if I had a choice.
"Hey, birthday girl!" Dawn knocked on the door rapidly. "Gonna let me in?"
"No," I murmured miserably.
"Excuse me?" She threatened from behind the door.
I sighed, smiling because at least Dawn was here. My feet dragged me to the door, and I opened it to reveal a very excited looking stranger. It was Dawn, she just had this strange smile on her face that I wanted to knock out. Why was she looking at me like that?
"Gabriel is here," She told me, staring right into my soul.
She still hadn't known what Gabriel and I shared. Right now would be the moment I told her because I was about to combust.
"I love him. I am so in love with him, and I told him. I just really love him, you know? I'm so glad he's here, and I'm so glad he's my friend. But I'm so fucking scared of what Adara is going to say. She's probably still angry at him about God knows what, and I can't tell her," I laid it all out for Dawn.
"Oh, so fucking what if Adara doesn't approve? You love him? Good. He loves you? Fucking awesome," She waved off the whole situation to grab my hand and pull me further into my room.
"And I suppose you have no problem with this?" I asked warily as she stepped back to inspect my outfit.
"I am relieved. You two have been lovestruck by each other for months, and I only realised it about a month ago. Thank the good Lord you two have worked something out, or I would've suffocated in the tension - not that there was much. You're both too pure for anything other than a cute romance," Her deep voice drawled as she continued to silently inspect my dress.
"That's cool, I guess," I paid no mind to my response. "What? Do you not like what I'm wearing?"
"Give me one moment," Dawn pointed a finger up before disappearing into my closet.
I stood there silently, staring into the reflection across from me. Though my mother wanted everything her way, her sense of style wasn't completely horrid. She suggested, more like forced me into, wearing a tight-fitted dress, flowing freely from the bottom of the corset looking waist to my ankles. A subtle split down the thigh revealed my skin, higher than I usually preferred, but I thought the white silk complimented my fair skin tone.
My hair was down, draping over my shoulders in soft waves. The small gold hoop earrings that adorned my ears shone in the sunlight streaming through my bedroom windows. I wore the gold necklace I usually wore, and for the millionth time, I smiled at the ring on my finger from Gabriel. My mother insisted I wear silver with the white dress, but I wanted to match the gold with the ring Gabe gave me.
"These shoes," Dawn scrambled back to me, almost throwing the pair at my feet. "These go better with the dress."
I hadn't seen those heels in a while. They were most likely in the back of my closet because I rarely wore high heels, but this was the occasion to wear them. The heels and padded insoles were white, but the straps around the ankle and toes were clear, decorated with gold butterfly rhinestones. I quickly changed from the plain beige heels into the ones Dawn picked out. Yep, they tied the outfit together.
"Perfect," Dawn mumbled under her breath. "He'll be more obsessed."
I snapped my head toward her, widening my eyes as she looked at me with no care in the world.
"C'mon," She grabbed my wrist again and took me to the door. "We need you to get attention. It's your eighteenth birthday, and you're hot."
My face warmed at her compliment as I tried to walk steadily in my shoes without slowing her down as she rushed me out of the peace of my room and down the stairs.
The booming voice of my father stopped me in my tracks, slowing Dawn down. She turned to me with her lips parted, annoyed. She wouldn't understand my relationship with my father when she had a good one with her parents. Dawn understood that he was a bag guy for cheating alone, but she didn't see the way he treated me, and I didn't want her to see it now.
"Meet me outside," I told her, strengthening my voice so that she'd listen. "I'll be there in two minutes."
Dawn reluctantly agreed before leaving through the front door. The guests were there, I assumed, some mingling in the foyer where I stood, eyeing out my dad. He wasn't much of one. He used to be, though, right before cheating and leaving his kids behind. I never understood why, but I was grateful.
Arlo's confession to liking a boy turned into an entire three-day lecture on why it was wrong, and I was glad he wasn't living with us anymore because Arlo's mindset improved since then. He is open about his feelings toward boys - to me, at least, but it was a start.
"Serenity," He grumbled, staring down at my dress with his sharp blue eyes before gazing at my face. "You've acquired your mother's taste in fashion, I see."
It's not my mother's taste alone that you've sipped, I see.
"Glad you could make it," I lied through my teeth.
"Glad you're eighteen," His lip quirked upward. "I look forward to seeing your maturity. You've got to pass it down to Arlo. I'm sure Melody tried to pass it on to you."
I blinked and just stood there because I didn't want to argue with him.
"Happy birthday," My father leaned his head down to kiss my forehead.
My heart ached at the familiar scent of his peppermint breath, fresh cigar and cologne. It reminded me of a time when family meant something.
"Thank you," I replied in a small voice, not wanting him to find something small to pick a fight about.
"Have fun today," He stepped back and glanced around the lightly furnished room. "I won't be here for too long. I have to go back to work."
"No problem," I smiled at him, wanting to move away from his presence.
It was funny how one moment, someone could feel just like home, and the next, it was as if they shattered the very comfort of it.
"Mhm," He paused, narrowing his eyes on mine like he was finding a problem.
I held my breath until he nodded once before retreating, heading straight for the kitchen where my mother was most likely throwing orders at the helpers. My eyes squeezed shut for a second before I released my breath, shaking my hands quickly to ease my nerves. I hated that I felt like this in my own house.
"All done?" Dawn entered through the front door when my father exited the same way.
"Yeah," I nodded, plastering a forced smile on my lips.
She caught onto it.
"Talk or no?" Her voice lowered to ask.
"No, I just want tonight to be over already," I told her.
"Gabriel's outside," Dawn offered me a wide smile that kind of seemed sad. "Maybe he'll cheer you up a little."
My eyes widened, and I was suddenly nervous. I had no reason to be. We were much closer than we were many months ago, and he always made me comfortable in my own skin, and I was sure I made him feel the same. I thought it was because this was the first time, since the school masquerade, that I was dressed so formally.
Gabe didn't make me feel insecure. It wasn't my insecurities talking. I tried to convince myself it wasn't. But what if he didn't like my outfit?
"No!" Dawn snapped me out of my thoughts. "Do not fucking overthink. You're stunning as fuck, alright. Need I remind you that you have him hypnotised? And even if you didn't, I'd be gay for you."
Heat like no other crept on my skin when I saw a glimpse of Gabe's figure behind her, waiting at the front door. He better have not heard her.
"I think I need to nervous pee," I whispered to Dawn, and she pursed her lips to avoid smiling at my sudden remark.
"No," She simply told me before turning around to walk back outside, moving past Gabriel casually.
I didn't miss the slight pat on the back she gave him. The action made me want to laugh, but I couldn't.
Gabe was in a suit. Combustion was an option after he blessed my eyes with that view. Maybe I'd evaporate or melt, or simply drop to the floor and ask him to play 'Falling' by Harry Styles at my funeral. I just couldn't look away. I greedily took in his figure with my eyes, noticing that he was more buff than usual. I only saw him in loose shirts and hoodies, and I had to have known he was hiding his hard work from the gym, but his tie was slightly loosened around his collar, his fingers were tapping onto his thighs and-
His eyes were already on me when I looked up. They were only on my face, and I was sure my foundation wasn't strong enough to hide my blush.
I opened my mouth to greet him and stepped forward, but someone blocked my view of him. They stood right before me so suddenly that I had to move away. Oh. It was my sister.
"Happy birthday, Renny," She threw herself at me and wrapped her arms around my neck so tight, I thought she intended to suffocate me.
"Thanks," I murmured, trying to see past her thick hair to where Gabriel stood.
He wasn't there anymore, and my heart dropped in a slight panic.
"I got you some new makeup," Melody pulled back, holding a pink gift bag between us. "A stronger foundation because I know you like to hide your freckles. Some new mascara, even some eyeliner even though you don't wear that. Um, what else?"
She peeked inside the bag to jog her memory before glancing up at me. Our similar features were striking, but I felt so out of place being near her all the time. She was nothing like me at all. Melody was praised her entire life, most of the time it was solely based on her appearance. It made growing up so rocky when the only thought going through a fifteen-year-old girl's mind was if her beauty was just as enchanting as her older sister's.
Young me would've been glad to see that some people thought differently. My friends made sure of it all the time, and they made it known to me that it was the heart that made a person attractive. Fifteen-year-old me thought it wasn't enough to have a pretty heart, but maturing was realising that surrounding myself with people who made me feel beautiful inside and out was what I needed to believe it.
"...silver rings and a jewellery kit so you can make your own," Melody's voice snapped me from my train of thought.
"Thank you, Mel," I told her, grabbing the bag when she handed it to me.
"Of course!" She gave me a smile I could've sworn was a bit too forced and went away.
I didn't pay any attention to where she went, only that the guy I was in love with was here to see me and that I had to see him in the next three seconds. Walking fast to place my gift on a table in the foyer, I took a few deep breaths to ease my nerves before heading toward the front door.
The front porch was empty when I looked to the right. When my head turned to inspect the left side of the porch, I found Gabriel staring off into the vacant garden, his back facing me. Even his back was attractive, and I hadn't even seen it yet. I walked closer to him, and my heels tapped on the polished wooden planks, causing him to turn around.
Our eyes locked, and we just stared for a moment.
I prayed he loved me back. I needed him to love me back. No matter how long it took, I needed his love to keep me grounded - to hold me. It didn't matter if he thought he was in the worst condition to love me back. If his love meant drowning in the chaos surrounding him, I'd happily let it drown me along with him. At least then, he wouldn't be engulfed alone. He'd have me, and I'd have him.
"I think our relationship would be much easier if I just let this out," Gabe took a few steps closer to me until I had to lift my head to look at his face. "And I want you to listen to the entire story without stopping me because if I stop, I probably won't have the courage to continue. Promise me you'll let me talk?"
"I promise," I nodded.
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a/n: i wanted to double update because I skipped a week of not updating but I still need time on the next chapter because it's a little chaotic. So here have this penguin instead 🐧
I will also put trigger warnings when anything explicit is mentioned and I can summarise at the end in the author's note <3
also. I'm going to HSLOT in 2023 and I still don't know how to act about it :')
have a great day/ night!