The merciful tranquility one experiences when blacked out is both mandatory and a mockery. Mandatory to rest the persons overworked, overwhelmed and traumatised mind. But a mockery simply because you're not conscious to really appreciate the calmness to its full effect. It's like working day in and day out for months and finally going on holiday, only you don't actually experience the holiday. Blacking out is just that. It's a complete blank in the brain where every thought is switched off and your consciousness is stored away in that back room it goes to when you're asleep.
Waking up from blacking out is not as peaceful. Your brain switches back on, your consciousness breaks down the door of that back room in a fit of panic and your body physically prepares itself for a flight or fight situation. Ironically, it is a little too late for such reactions.
Things are foggy at first but it all rushes back in a second. Seven, Grim, running from being shot at. Then it moves to the present; the sights, smells and sounds of the new surroundings post black out.
My heart rate slows as I inspect the familiar surroundings of Mesha's bedroom. Turning to find her fast asleep in bed next to me. How did she get me here? What time is it?
I sit up and my head spins.
"Mm." I groan and rub at my temple, squeezing my eyes shut to try stop the vertigo.
"Lily?" Mesha mumbles next to me. I look over at her as she rubs her eyes and sits up in the bed next to me.
"You okay?" Mesha asks and I nod.
"Yeah. Just a little dizzy. How long was I out? What's the time?" I ask her and she grabs her phone from the side of the bed.
"It's five in the morning. You were out for about ten minutes while the doormen helped me carry you up here. You woke up but said you wanted to sleep." She yawns.
"Oh." I don't even remember waking up.
"Are you okay? I didn't know if I should call a doctor or something." Mesha admits.
"No, I'm fine. I think I was just a bit overwhelmed." And shocked, and emotionally stressed as well as regularly stressed, and absolutely terrified.
"Have you heard anything?" I ask her and she shakes her head.
"I tried to charge your phone but you have a different charging port." She says and hands me my phone also on the night stand. Despite her telling me it's flat I still check it to see it's on two percent battery. It will die very soon.
"I have one in my car I think." I run my hand over my hair.
"What am I supposed to do?" I turn to Mesha.
"Stay here." She answers easily and I shake my head.
"No, like but with everything. I can't stay here forever, I'll need to go home to get shit eventually and like I'll obviously have to move out. I was meant to pay for classes yesterday afternoon and how am I meant to just carry on as if my boyfriend isn't missing?" I ask, not even registering that I've referred to Seven as my boyfriend.
"I don't know Lil. But he'll show up soon. You might just have to give it some time before he can talk to you again. That Grim guy said Victor has them? Maybe after that they'll get in contact." She suggests.
"No but Victor is crazy Mesh. Like he's absolutely mental." I insist, I don't think Mesha understands the kind of situation Seven and Curby are in.
"Who is he?" She asks.
"Seven's uncle. He is the leader of their gang. Seven is even scared of him, which says a lot."
"And he doesn't want Seven in a relationship with you?" Mesha tries to put it together.
"He doesn't want Seven to be close to anyone. He thinks it makes him vulnerable and weak to care or be emotionally involved with someone. Which will make him a bad leader for when he takes over the gang from his uncle." I explain and she frowns at me.
"That's fucking ridiculous." She shakes her head.
"That's Victor. Seven's father was the leader before Victor, and he was killed by his best friend. So Victor is adamant about the whole blood is thicker than water thing. He stopped Seven being close to anyone his entire life. Until..." I tapper off.
"Until you." Mesha finishes and I nod.
"What do you think you'll do?" Mesha asks me after a minute.
"Try calling him again." I really don't know what else to do. I scroll through the dozens of unanswered calls to him in my call log and hit his number. Unlike last night though, instead of the phone ringing for ages and eventually going to voicemail, the phone rings about three times before it's cut off mid ring and goes to answer phone. Mesha and I look at each other with the same surprised and confused look.
"Did ...?" Mesha asks slightly shocked.
"Did he just ignore my call?" I ask for the both of us.
"Surely not. Maybe it wasn't him." Mesha suggests.
"Maybe. I'll try again." I hit the call button once more and it doesn't even ring. This time an automated voice informs me that the number is no longer available and I drop the phone to my lap in surprise.
Did he ... did he just block my number?
"Maybe it wasn't him." Mesha tries to say again as she notices the hurt and confusion creasing my face.
"I ... I think he blocked me?" My tone raises at the end as if I were asking a question. This can't be right. Why would he block me? It must be someone else, maybe Victor has his phone? There's only one way to be sure.
"Give me your phone?" I ask Mesha.
"What?" She frowns confused.
"Just give me your phone, please." I reach out my hand and she drops her own phone into my palm. Quickly I dial Seven's number into the keypad and look up at Mesha for some kind of affirmation that this is a good idea. She nods in encouragement and I hit the call button and put the phone on speaker.
It rings for three rings before the line is picked up. Both Mesha and I are silent as we listen carefully to the blank void on the other end of the phone. My heart jumps out of my chest when the familiar voice croaks over the phone.
"Hello?" It's Seven. It's him and he's okay. My chest lightens but is immediately replaced back with heaviness knowing it was actually him ignoring my calls. He just blocked me. Why?
"Seven?" I can't help the tears already falling from my eyes. As soon as my voice comes through the phone the line goes dead as he ends the call. What is going on?
"Okay, what the fuck?" Mesha asks, venom spits through her words. And my chest heaves as tears endlessly well in my eyes.
"I don't, I don't understand. Why isn't he talking to me?" I'm full on crying now. What has happened? What did I do for him to not want to talk to me? I'm so confused. I thought he could have been dead but he's fine and he's ignoring my calls.
"Call him back." I tell Mesha and she seems hesitant.
"Call him back!" I beg through a sob and she recalls the number. Just like before it doesn't even ring before the automated message tells us the number isn't available. He's blocked her too.
"I don't ... why? What is going on?" I cry and Mesha scoots closer to me, her arms wrapping around me in comfort.
I don't understand what is happening right now. I don't understand anything. Why is he ignoring me? Did I do something? Did he really get taken by Victor last night like Grim said? Maybe Seven is just done with me, and this is his way of breaking it off? Why would he send Grim and those other guys to literally shoot at us then? I'm so confused. What the fuck is going on? I just want to know. If Seven doesn't want me anymore then fine, but I deserve to at least know why. I deserve to understand this situation. He can't do it this way. I've been fearing the worst, that he was in a terrible state while really he's been fine, leaving me in limbo and deciding I don't even deserve an explanation for it all.
I'm hurt. Deeply fucking hurt by this. How long had he been planning this? Planning on cutting me off. Was it on the boat? Everything had been fine between us till yesterday morning when he started acting strange. Was that his turning point? Did he decide then that when we got back to shore he was done with me?
What was the point of all of this then? Was it to just sleep with me? Surely not. He can have, and has had many girls most nights before me, so why would he risk repercussions from his uncle to pursue me just for sex. It doesn't make sense. None of this makes any sense. He was just telling me how much he cared about me, how much he wanted me and then does this?
I told him, I had just told him how important he was to me and how desperately I didn't want to lose him. I've lost everyone that is important to me in my life; my mother, my father, my grandmother and now ... now I've lost Seven. This is a pattern for me, maybe my life will always be this way. Constantly losing those who mean the most to me. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me I am just meant to be alone and this is what happens anytime I form those bonds. The thought sends me over the edge and the sobs begin to rock through me as Mesha holds me tight. I pray to god I don't lose Mesha, too. But at my current rate it's a probability.
When I eventually stop crying and Mesha has assessed - rather insistently - that I'm not about to do anything stupid as a result of Seven's cruel forsaking she goes back to sleep. I however can not. Being alone I can feel the hallow hole ripping open inside of me. It began as a small fray the moment he answered Mesha's call over mine. But as the minutes pass, it pulls itself wider and wider. My chest hurts more and more as it opens.
I lay in bed for another hour, hopelessly listening to that robotic voice message. Wishing every time that he'd change his mind and answer. He never does though and my phone eventually dies. Along with my hope.
Hours pass and Mesha eventually wakes up again. She offers me a coffee but I can't seem to find the energy to even speak. She doesn't push me to though which I'm thankful for. I've never felt like this before, is this what being broken up with feels like? Seven and I weren't even offical but we were as close to a relationship I've ever been to. Did he feel the same? I can't understand the situation at all, I just don't understand what is happening right now. What changed everything so quickly for him? What was the problem? Did I do something wrong? I must've done something wrong. Was I the problem?
My mind keeps going after so many questions that I have no resolution to. They go unanswered by myself and Seven. He is the only one who can really tell me what is going on, but he won't. And I'm afraid he never will. Mesha leaves a coffee by the side of the bed for me as well as a poached egg on toast but I can't bring myself to eat it right now. I appreciate her efforts but I just can't seem to do anything but wallow in my confusion, questions and misery.
My eyes are puffy and my throat is dry. My stomach is twisted while my chest literally aches. My mind wonders to what Seven is doing in this very moment. Does he feel this terrible? Is he hurting as much as I am right now or does he not even care?
"Babe you really should try eat something." Mesha says softly when she comes back into the bedroom to check on me. I've sat in bed sniffling all day.
"I'm not hungry." My voice is hoarse from crying on and off most of the day and not talking.
"I know you don't feel that way but your body will need the energy." She insists picking up the cold egg dish she made me hours ago.
"I'll bring you something easy to snack on. You should shower. Might make you feel a little better." She suggests and I nod. I do need to shower.
Mesha is right, the shower does make me feel a little better. It helps the puffy, dryness to my eyes from crying. Mesha's shower is stocked with every product you could think of and the sweet scents bring me the slightest dose of serotonin. When I go to brush my teeth with my finger - since my toothbrush is still back at my house - I notice the small line on the pad that almost has me crying again. I wish I could go back to that time, to us making promises to each other. I believed him to be genuine when we did that blood promise. And I'm surprised at the anger bubbling inside of me instead of the sadness I've been feeling all day. The hurt is powering the anger and I can't help but feel let down by Seven. He made promises to me, saying he would protect me, that he would never leave me but he's done just that. He left me and with no explanation. I stare at myself as the anger now begins to burn rapidly inside of me. I deserve an explanation. I have done nothing wrong. If Seven won't have the decency to tell me, then I will demand it. He thinks he can just block my number and I'll just disappear?
No. Not good enough. I deserve to know the truth. I deserve more than what he's given me, the very least I deserve an apology for what he's done. Feeding me lies so I would fall for him and then pulling the rug right from underneath me.
After cleaning my teeth with my finger, I storm into the bedroom where Mesha has put a plate of fruit in replacement of the egg and has laid out an outfit for me to borrow. I go straight to getting changed, pulling on the baggy washed out denim jeans, plain white crop and brown checkered flannel. Fuelled by my new found anger I shove my chucks on and grab my flat phone.
"Where are you going?" Mesha stands from her seat on the sofa when I walk from the room in the direction of the front door.
"I need to go find him." I tell her and she rushes over to me.
"Lily I don't think that's a good idea." She tries to warn me but I grab my keys off the bench.
"I need to. Mesha I need to know why. He owes me that much." I tell her and she doesn't attempt to stop me. I think she can hear the angered passion in my tone and realises she won't be able to stop me even if she tries.
"Just ..." Mesha struggles.
"Be careful. Those guys last night..." She reminds me of the shots that were fired at us from members of Victor's gang. But Mesha doesn't know, she doesn't know what I've had to deal with the last few months. Being followed, the altercations with customers at the club, the constant loom of Victor discovering Seven and I, and then last night actually being shot at. There's not much else they can do to scare me anymore. I've been dealing with a lot and if anything, it's made me stronger for it.
"I'll be fine." I promise her even though I don't actually know it. I won't say it to her, but whatever they would do to me couldn't make me feel as low as I am already feeling.
"Charge your phone so I can contact you please." Mesha pleads and I nod. She hugs me before I leave her apartment. I have a new energy buzzing through my body as I start my new mission. That mission being to find Seven and demand to know what the fuck is going on. Much the same as my mission last night only last night I was scared for him. Last night I was seeking him out in worry. This time I'm pissed, I'm hurt and I'm fucking angry. He wasn't at home last night when we looked for him and he wasn't at my place. The only other place that I know he goes which we didn't try last night is Club Venus.
Something inside me tells me he's there.
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