(A/N: Quick heads up that there will be 27 chapters of Being Alive, making this one of the last ones. Stick with me here. Loose ends will be tied up. I debated if I should share this or not, but I decided that you guys should know that the ending of this story will not be a sad one. That's all I will say about that. Trust the process <3)
Directing a play in New York while being physically in Los Angeles was difficult.
But, sadly, it wasn't even the hardest thing currently going on in Charlie's life.
He was thankful that you were in LA with him for a million reasons. But right now, he was grateful that you were there to help him with the show. Having to direct it from across the country was incredibly lonely.
You were in his hotel room, going over the notes that you took when you talked to the rest of the company on the phone that morning while Charlie was busy with dropping Henry off at Nicole's mom's house.
There was a problem with the way the actors were moving on the stage during a certain scene and you knew that Charlie could solve it immediately if he was there, it took a little more brain power coming to a decision from miles away.
"Okay, try again for me, honey." Charlie told you gently. "I'm shutting my eyes this time so I can picture the stage."
You nodded, flipping to the page on the script that he was looking for, eyes scanning the page to get to where you wanted.
Charlie's eyes were closed and he was sitting on the edge of the bed. His arms were folded across his chest, with a hand on his chin the script rolled up in his other hand. His ankles were crossed over the other and his feet almost touched the entertainment center across from the bed, legs long enough to do so.
He had on a pair of pajamas; plaid soft pants and a plain t-shirt. His socks were on, refusing to walk barefoot even for a moment on the hotel floor. Charlie's hair was slightly messy, sticking up in a few places because he'd just gotten out of the shower and it was still in the process of drying.
"Ready?" You asked him.
"Mhm. Whenever you are." He murmured in concentration, eyes still closed.
You couldn't help but giggle softly at the sight of him. He was so cute. "Okay," You said, mostly to yourself.
You found the correct line and began saying it out loud. "Remember, nothing succeeds without toil." You read, trying to imagine the actors on the stage in the same way that Charlie was.
"Hm," He mumbled to himself in thought before saying the next line, memorizing it by heart. "I know it, and will share thy burden with all my power."
Your heart pounded just from hearing his deep voice.
Charlie's eyes fluttered open, snapping you out of your swooning, "I think it's alright if they are on opposite sides, don't you? Otherwise it seems forced." He said then frowned. "I don't know, this is hard without being able to see it. They're going to try Facetime tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah," You told him with an amused grin.
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He glanced down at the script and up at you. "Keep going." He requested. "I want to keep picturing it."
You raised your eyebrows, glancing down at the script. "Sure."
After clearing your throat, "Hear, then, how I am resolved to act. As for the support of friends, thou thyself must know that we have none." You read, keeping your eyes on the paper to make sure that you didn't mess up.
Charlie opened his eyes, staring at you affectionately. He felt like cartoon hearts were coming out of his eyes as he watched the way that you carefully read the lines off of the page.
He took in the clothes you were wearing, the small details. The color of your nail polish and the way that your eyebrows furrowed together slightly as you said the line.
Charlie was so in love with you.
You continued on, not realizing that he was looking at you. "Hades hath taken our friends away. And we two are left alone. I-" You glanced up at him and faltered when you saw that he was looking at you.
Charlie chuckled, meeting your gaze. "Don't let me interrupt."
You shook your head and lowered the script. "I can't do it if you stare at me like that."
He smirked and set his copy of the script down beside him on the bed. "You're shy now? You didn't act that way when I had the camera out the other night." Charlie teased you, referencing the way that you let him take photos of you in your lingerie.
You gave him a look, half playfulness and half surprise. "Oh, really?"
"Really." Charlie said, the cocky grin on his face widening.
You let out a short chuckle before you rushed towards him, jumping onto the bed and into his lap.
Charlie made a quiet 'oof' noise with the way you almost knocked him over but it was soon replaced by deep laughter as he realized you were attempting to tickle him. "Hey," He said happily, attempting to peel you away from him so he could stop you.
You ignored him, straddling his waist so you could tickle his sides, laughing just as much as he was.
In these moments with you, Charlie was reminded of how thankful he was to have you.
There weren't a lot of times when he felt this carefree and comfortable. He wasn't sure what he did with this energy before he knew you.
At one point, he grabbed your wrists gently and gave you a warning look, stopping you. "Knock me over like that again and I might not be able to get back up. Wouldn't you feel terrible?" He teased you, leaving quick and rushed kisses all over your arms.
You were squealing and giggling at the way that he was kissing you, tickling you in his own way with his lips. "Maybe." You said playfully.
He smiled and pulled away, catching his breath as he stared at you. The look in his eyes was of pure affection, hints of red on his cheeks from the happiness and exertion of wrestling you. "You're so pretty."
You couldn't help the smile that spread on your lips to hear that. You leaned forward to kiss him, "You're so sweet." You mumbled against his skin, "And handsome."
Charlie hummed, moving a hand to cup the back of your head and hold you in place as he continued to kiss you. "I love you, angel." He whispered. "My pretty little angel girl. I'm so lucky."
You made a quiet noise of happiness, deepening the kisses by running your tongue along his lip. "I love you," You agreed with him, moving so that you were able to push him down gently on the bed, his back colliding with the mattress.
His hands went instantly to your hips, "What did I say about pushing me down like that?" He asked you in a playful way, squeezing his grip on your body.
You ran your hands over his chest, staring down at him. You weren't usually in charge when it came to interactions between the two of you but you weren't afraid to be bold with him. He always made you feel safe.
"I know but I don't think I want you getting up." You told him, "I want you to lay down and relax."
Charlie's eyebrows shot up, "Yeah?"
You made a 'mhm' sound as you bent down to kiss his neck, moving your body so that you were able to trail your kisses down his chest, towards the waistband of his pants.
"Oh," Charlie smirked, realizing what you were up to. His fingers wove into your hair, pushing it away from your eyes so that he could stare down at you as you pulled his pants down over his hips.
He let out a low sigh, tilting his head back. "Good girl."
Regardless of what was going on in his life, when he was alone with you, Charlie felt like the man.
~
Charlie almost felt like an extension of yourself. He was your safe space, his arms felt like home. You'd never had someone exist so fondly in your heart.
You could predict his reactions, recognize his laugh even if you were rooms apart, and his quirks were affectionately becoming your own.
Even though you still had to hide away, Charlie was yours.
With all of that considered, it felt strange, though understandable, that you hardly knew Nicole at all.
At this point, she was hardly even a person to you, she was something much different. Nicole was like a nightmare.
She was a representation of everything that kept you up at night with guilt and shame. Your love for Charlie was pure and inescapable. The presence of Nicole was the only time you looked at Charlie and felt sick.
The idea of coming to California at her request to touch base and discuss the current situation seemed like such a good idea when you were across the country from her and it didn't seem possible to even do so.
But now that you were less than half an hour away, the thought of being alone with the woman whose husband you were in love with seemed like the worst decision you could've made.
It was the reason that you hadn't contacted her since getting off of the plane. You'd been there for several days and even when you had a day or night alone, when Charlie was spending time with Henry, you chose to stay quiet on her end.
She texted you twice, asking if you were there yet and when you were free.
You were too scared to respond.
You'd been beating yourself up about it since you got to the hotel. You came here for the sole purpose of making things right with her and now that you had the chance, you were chickening out.
You were only doing this for Charlie. You came to the conclusion that you couldn't move forward with him and get any more serious with the relationship if you didn't touch base with Nicole first.
You couldn't be the other woman forever.
Your hands shook as you sent her a message, asking her if she was free in the next couple of hours.
Nicole replied almost instantly, sending you an address to meet her at.
You decided that you would've been happy to go your entire life without seeing her again.
So that was why, as you sat across from Nicole at a coffee shop, you were doing your best not to rush to the door every time that she made eye contact with you.
You ran your fingers along the handle of the mug in your hands, trying to distract yourself with the way that steam was escaping from the light brown liquid below. You ordered tea, which you never did, but you thought about how Charlie always asked if you wanted a cup of it when you were stressed and decided to go with that over coffee.
"So," Nicole began speaking, a tight and awkward smile on her face as she attempted to get your attention.
The cafe you were in was small and cozy, not very crowded but there were enough people that it didn't feel like anyone could listen in to your conversation. If the situation was different, you would've enjoyed it there.
You weren't sure how to respond. You glanced up at her and gave her a smile back that mirrored the way hers looked. You weren't sure if your palms were sweaty or if you could feel the condensation from your mug.
"I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I would say to you when I see you again." Nicole admitted, the smile fading from her face as she spoke.
As much as you worried about Nicole, you realized that after she found out about you and Charlie, she most likely spent just as much time thinking about you as you did about her. Just as she was a representation of everything you feared, there was a possibility that the feeling was mutual.
"Me too," You said softly, setting down your mug and wiping your hands on your thighs.
You could see the way that Nicole's expression flashed with change. Her thoughts were similar to yours. She was realizing that although you were in the wrong, in certain aspects, you were suffering in the same ways she was.
There were a few moments of silence, both of you trying to work out what to even talk about and where to start.
"I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page. But I'm not doing this for you, or Charlie, or even myself. I just want to make sure that Henry doesn't get caught up in all of this." Nicole said.
You nodded. You didn't assume that she wanted to do anything for you and you didn't blame her.
"He seems to be dealing with all of this, the moving and divorce, alright. But I'm not sure how comfortable I am with him knowing what's going on with you and Charlie..." Nicole trailed off, becoming overwhelmed at how many different layers to the situation that there was.
You swallowed hard, your stomach turning as you stared at the woman across from you.
She paused and glanced out of the window, collecting herself.
"I know that Charlie mentioned that he thinks the two of you are serious but..." Nicole gave you a knowing look, not wanting to finish it out loud. She didn't need to, you knew what she was thinking.
You understood. From anyone on the outside looking in to you and Charlie's situation, it seemed impossible for it to work out long term for the two of you. Everything about the circumstances of your relationship would lead someone to believe that it was just a fling.
You were Charlie's intern and babysitter. He was married. He was older than you.
On paper, there was no reason for this to work out. But none of those facts took into account how much you loved each other. You didn't expect Nicole to consider that and you didn't exactly want her to, not wanting her to be more hurt than she already was.
"We are serious." You told her softly. You wouldn't have ruined a marriage over casual sex. It was so much more than that.
Nicole gave you an almost sympathetic smile, one of pity. "Well, either way. Henry really likes you and with how much change is going on in his world, I don't want him to think that you're part of this family and then have that taken away from him."
You exhaled slowly, fidgeting with a napkin in front of you, tearing the edges of it.
You thought back to your childhood and how your mom, when you were younger, would introduce men to the family on occasion. She cycled through a few boyfriends and all of them seemed nice enough.
You remembered how they'd be around on Christmas or birthdays. You felt like you finally had stability and a glance at what a traditional family felt like. Then by the next year, they were gone.
As an adult, you didn't think much of it but as a child, it was heartbreaking. No one ever stayed and in some ways, you wondered if that fear of abandonment stuck around your entire life.
You didn't have any plans to leave Charlie's side but thinking about it from Henry's perspective, you understood Nicole's hesitation. She just didn't want her son getting hurt.
"I get that," You told her. You knew you would feel stupid for anything you'd say to her right now. "I don't want to make any of this stressful on Henry. I never wanted to do that."
"Yeah, well," Nicole shrugged with slight irritation in her voice, leaving it at that. Although you weren't expecting her to, she was in no position or mood to comfort you for what you did.
You two were silent for a few excruciatingly long moments.
Patrons at the tables around you shifted, some leaving and some sitting down. You wished that you could be one of them at this moment. You would do anything to just be having a quiet morning, getting work done with a cup of coffee.
You glanced over at her and saw the way that she was staring out of the window, chewing on the inside of her cheek in thought.
You felt like a monster.
You cleared your throat gently, feeling tears prick at the back of your eyes.
Nicole heard the small noise from you and she glanced in your direction, frowning when she saw the tormented look on your face.
"I'm sorry," You said in a quiet voice, taking in a deep breath so that your voice didn't come out as shaky as you felt. "I am so sorry." You said genuinely, your eyebrows furrowing together.
She stared at you for a few seconds, taking in how sincere your apology seemed.
Nicole thought back to what she thought about you before she found out about you and Charlie. She always thought that you were sweet and she loved how good you were with Henry. She never had to question if she could trust you to watch her son but it was clear now that she shouldn't have trusted you to be alone with her husband.
Although she had suspicions, noticing how Charlie would look at you or how much happier he seemed when you were around the house, she didn't think that there was anything actually happening.
Nicole assumed that Charlie had a crush on you, or whatever the adult male equivalent to that was. She thought it was harmless. She concluded that Charlie thought you were pretty and smart and maybe having you around at Exit Ghost was a relief to him since you helped him do his job.
You seemed innocent and naive. You were new to the city and new to living on your own. Nicole thought that you were oblivious to the attraction Charlie had for you.
It was almost amusing to her, before she knew the truth. Charlie always seemed so flustered and giggly around you and you had no idea.
Looking back now, Nicole realized how many signs were right in front of her face.
She gave you a hint of a smile, sadness in her eyes. "I know." She said simply. She didn't forgive you but she did acknowledge how bad you felt and even if it didn't fix it, she did appreciate it.
Nicole considered you and Charlie. All of her previous thoughts about you were true, regardless of what she knew now. You were sweet, maybe too sweet, and even if you were intelligent in a lot of ways, you didn't know any better when it came to love.
She couldn't say the same about him.
"The crazy part is..." Nicole let out a humorless laugh, almost in frustration. "I should hate you. I should be furious with you. But... I'm not." She shrugged with a frown, almost sheepishly.
Your eyebrows raised, pausing with the way you were tearing at the napkin on the table in front of you. "You're not?"
Nicole sighed and shifted in her seat, attempting to get more comfortable despite how uncomfortable of a situation that this was. "I'm pissed at Charlie, don't get me wrong. I'm really fucking pissed at him." She said in a hushed tone.
Charlie's face entered your mind and you swallowed hard. He would have a heart attack right now if he knew what you and Nicole were talking about. Shit, you frowned, he'd have a heart attack if he knew you were talking to her at all.
"And I don't think very highly of you anymore, honestly. But I'm not mad at you... I feel like an idiot for saying this but with all things considered, I don't entirely blame you." Nicole said, almost embarrassed to say that out loud.
She knew if her sister or friends heard her say that, they'd be upset with her. They would tell her that she should be just as mad as you as she was at Charlie. But she found it difficult to do so.
You were surprised to hear that. You assumed that she hated you. Sometimes when you were trying to go to sleep at night, you thought of her friends, the ones that you met when you stayed the night at their house. Even then, before you were caught sneaking around with Charlie, you felt how judgemental their eyes had been on you.
You were almost sure that Nicole was gossiping to them about you since she found out. Your mind would spiral as you imagined all of the terrible things that she might say. Maybe her friends attacked your character or the way that you looked, in hopes that it would make Nicole feel better.
The possibility that none of that had been happening, lifted a weight off of your chest, but didn't exactly take any of the guilt away. It almost made you feel worse.
"Why not?" You asked her cautiously.
Nicole was silent while she thought about it. She wasn't exactly sure how to explain it.
Finally, she gave you a look. It was the same one she'd given you earlier when you told her that you and Charlie were serious about your relationship. It was a look of pity.
"I know how it feels to fall in love with Charlie." She said simply and when you took a moment to stare at her, you could see the tears forming in her eyes.
Nicole looked away from you, staring down at her tea. "When I first met him, I wasn't thinking about any of it. I was just feeling. And it felt really good to be with him." She said, a small nostalgic smile on her lips.
You felt the wind get knocked out of you. Since knowing them, you weren't sure if you'd ever seen Charlie or Nicole talk fondly about the other or even act kind to each other while you were around. It was easy to forget that their relationship ever involved love at all.
It was what made it easier on your conscience. You knew you were falling in love with a married man but also knowing that their marriage was lifeless, made it easier to justify the actions. You weren't ruining anything that wasn't already destroyed.
This was different.
"You know," Nicole looked back over at you, wiping her eyes quickly. "I was engaged when I met him. I was around your age too." She chuckled a little, "I mean, Charlie was closer to that age too at that point, but you know." She shrugged.
You felt embarrassed by that little dig at the age distance between you and Charlie but ignored it, more intrigued by what she was telling you. Mostly because you didn't want to know, you never asked Charlie for details about him and Nicole. This was new information.
"I was living in LA and I was planning on marrying someone else. Then I met Charlie and I threw all of that out of the window to stay in New York with him." She explained, unable to hide the hint of bitterness in her voice. "I understand going against what you think is right just to be with him."
You were surprised but also slightly angry at the fact that she was attempting to compare their relationship with yours. You weren't anything like her, you hoped.
Nicole was quiet again. She took a sip of her tea and looked out of the window at the people passing by on the street. You could see the way that she was trying not to cry. She was humiliated that she was doing so in front of you.
"It just felt good to have someone in my life who could offer me some guidance. I trusted what he had to say and always assumed he was right because that's just the type of guy that Charlie is." She said softly.
You tried not to react to that. You felt the same way. The parallels hurt.
"Charlie was determined and established. I had no idea what I wanted and he had all of the answers. It made me feel special that out of everyone around him, he wanted me." Nicole said. She knew she shouldn't be confiding in you this way but she wanted you to realize that she understood what you were feeling.
These were thoughts that she had been keeping to herself since she first met Charlie. It was therapeutic to say them out loud, regardless of the audience.
You took in a deep breath quietly. You could directly relate to everything she was saying. It was the same reasons you fell for Charlie in the first place.
Nicole set her mug down on the table to wipe at her eyes again with the sleeve of her cardigan. "I'm sorry, I'm sure you don't want to hear any of this." She said sheepishly, shaking her head at herself.
"No," You assured her, "I want to hear it."
She looked at you and slowly frowned. "I'm not angry with you because I was you. I made the same mistakes. You remind me so much of myself..." She trailed off and stopped herself, letting out a laugh. "Okay, I'm stopping now. I don't want to say too much."
You didn't respond, wondering what she cut herself off from saying.
Really, Nicole wanted to tell you that she wasn't mad at you but instead, she felt bad for you.
"Go on, it's okay." You told her gently, mostly for selfish reasons.
Nicole was quiet. Then, "I know it isn't my place and I'm not sure who you have in your life that you go to for advice so maybe you've heard this before. But I just want to offer you this: Don't reroute your entire life for a man who wouldn't do the same for you."
You felt a lump in your throat.
Nicole wasn't warning you because she cared about you. She was warning you because she wished that someone would've said the same thing to her before she threw out her life goals and plans to be with Charlie.
"Thanks." You mumbled, leaving it at that. You wanted to argue with her and say that you weren't 'rerouting' your life for Charlie but you weren't sure if you could say that. You were sure you'd do anything to make it work for him.
You wondered if Charlie would do the same. Instinctively, you thought the answer was yes. He was so good to you. But then you wondered how much of his life he'd be willing to change if you needed him to. He was always so set in his ways.
"Okay," Nicole said, composing herself, interrupting your thoughts. "I wanted to talk to you about Henry. We should do that."
You were speechless, your mind spinning.
If Charlie and Nicole started off this smoothly and had somehow gotten to the point they were at now... What was stopping you and Charlie from ending the same way?
"Sure," You said quietly, in a daze.
The rest of the conversation went smoothly, as much as it could be.
Nicole told you that she's comfortable with Henry knowing you're here and that you're a big part of Charlie's life. But she didn't want him knowing that you and Charlie had a relationship. You'd have to lie to him and say that you were with Charlie to finish things at work.
It wasn't perfect but you understood.
Having to hide information from Henry was the least of your worries after this meeting.
You couldn't stop thinking about what Nicole said.
Were you making a mistake by devoting so much of your life to Charlie?
~
As discouraging as meeting up with Nicole had been for you, the following day for Charlie had been even worse.
"Fuck!" Charlie grunted under his breath, pacing around his hotel room. He ran a hand over his face and through his hair before he paused in front of the mini fridge. He opened it violently and pulled out a bottle of beer from inside.
You sat on the edge of his bed, watching him nervously. You'd seen him upset before but you weren't sure if you'd ever seen him this worked up.
You were thankful for how safe you felt around him, otherwise, his mood would have made you fearful.
"Fuck." Charlie repeated himself, pausing his pacing so he could take a rushed sip from his beer.
He spent his morning at the courthouse, getting steamrolled by his lawyer and Nicole's. It wasn't supposed to be this way. They weren't supposed to do any of this with lawyers at all. But when Nicole decided to go with Nora, Charlie had no choice but to ultimately get help from Jay.
It had been frustrating, to say the least.
Charlie wasn't sure if he had ever spent his time feeling more helpless and angry.
It became quite clear that the lawyers didn't care much about him or Nicole. All they cared about was winning and they threw the two of them under the bus to do so.
He spent the morning hearing all of his dirty laundry aired out for the entire room to hear. He was humiliated:
Nora and Jay were on a roll, bringing up every negative thing that Charlie and Nicole had ever said about the other in hopes that the judge would think in their favor.
"And although California is, without doubt, a no-fault state, it does bear mentioning in the accurate recap of this situation that Charlie had had extramarital affairs-" Nora spoke confidently, almost smug.
"AN extramarital affair." Charlie interrupted her.
His mind went to you as he said it. He wasn't cheating on Nicole with multiple women, trying to have sex on the side while keeping his family. It was so much different than that and he didn't want that misconstrued.
He was in love with you. It was the only affair that he was willing to have.
Nora let out an incredulous laugh at Charlie's comment. "Do you really want me to go there?" She asked as she turned to stare at him.
Charlie was taken back, he didn't know how to answer that.
Jay answered for him, "Let's go there. Nicole has admitted to conspiring against the woman who Charlie's been having an affair with by getting information about her relationship from her abusive ex-boyfriend. Who, by the way, was the reason she moved to New York in the first place; to escape him."
Nora turned to Nicole and was offered with nothing but a shrug in response. It was clear on her face that Nicole had no idea about the history between you and your ex-boyfriend. That changed things and it also explained why he knew so much. She felt terrible.
Charlie opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. He thought that he told Jay these details in confidence. He explained to Jay how Nicole found out about the affair in the first place; your ex-boyfriend contacted her.
He didn't know that these same facts would be thrown in his face in a public setting.
"Which if proven is a felony. And Nora, I don't think you'll be happy if I start to ask Nicole about her alcohol consumption in the evenings-" Jay was interrupted by Nora cutting him off.
"That is besides the point. Let's stay on the topic of Charlie's mistress, shall we?" Nora asked, standing up from her spot as she grew passionate.
Charlie shook his head, clearing his throat. He didn't want to talk about you. You were his safe place. He didn't want you anywhere near this courtroom.
Hearing you referred to as his mistress felt wrong. That wasn't how he viewed you.
"Your honor," Nora addressed the judge, a smirk on her face. "What Jay is conveniently leaving out is who Charlie's affair was with in the first place. She wasn't just another woman, she was the babysitter of their son and worse, she's Charlie's intern."
Jay grunted under his breath, knowing that this wasn't a good look for his client.
"By choosing to have an affair with her, Charlie also chose to involve his work and his son which are the two biggest things that he wants more ownership over in comparison to Nicole." Nora explained, making Charlie's stomach twist.
"I think it goes without saying that if Charlie decided to be irresponsible with her, it's hard to imagine that he deserves to walk away with more than Nicole." Nora said with a cocky shrug.
Charlie felt like he couldn't breathe. He stared down at the table in front of him, wanting to run out of the room. He hated this.
"Charlie, can I ask you," Nora began addressing him, getting his attention. "How can you expect to have more time with Henry when you don't exercise the time you have AND exercise it responsibly?"
Before he could argue, she continued.
"On this recent trip to LA, Charlie flew out the woman he's been having the affair with. She's here right now, staying at the same hotel as him. I can't imagine that he's focusing all of his attention on Henry if she's there as well. Not to mention, how disrespectful that is to Nicole in the first place." Nora said, speaking to the judge as if Charlie wasn't even there.
"You flew her out here?" Jay asked him in a hushed, disappointed voice.
"No, I didn't. I-," Charlie answered him quietly then raised his voice to address Nora. "You're the one who told her to come here. I didn't fly her out, I didn't even know she was coming."
"I told her to come?" Nora asked, laughing a little. She knew what she was doing. "Charlie, I've never even spoken to her."
Charlie sighed in frustration, feeling anger rise inside of him. He glanced at Nicole who couldn't meet his eye. Nicole mentioned to him before that Nora was the one who brought up it would be a good idea for you to come to LA. It infuriated him that she was staying silent.
The conversation took a turn, Jay interrupting to bring up another fault of Nicole's in an attempt to get the attention off of the affair entirely.
Charlie sank into his chair, taking in a shaky breath.
Despite everything, the most fucked up part of it all was that he wished you were there with him.
"Do you know how much trouble you've caused by coming here?" Charlie asked you, stopping the way he was walking around the room so that he could lock eyes with you.
You swallowed hard. Out of all of the times that Charlie had been angry, he'd never exactly been angry at you. This felt different. You hated it.
Your pulse quickened, feeling incredibly anxious.
"Nicole's lawyer told her to tell you to come here because she knew it would fuck me over. Do you understand how bad it looks for me to have you here while I'm fighting for custody over my son?" Charlie asked you, his grip tight on the beer bottle in his hand.
You didn't say anything in response. You shifted in your seated position, pulling at the material of your skirt, trying to comfort yourself.
There were a few moments of silence as he began pacing again, leaving the both of you to your thoughts.
You felt stupid. You thought that coming here would be a positive thing. You had the feeling that it would make your relationship with Charlie feel more normal. You were doing things a regular couple would do. And you thought talking with Nicole would lead you in the right direction.
Clearly, that was not the case.
"I thought it would be a good thing." You told him gently.
You had quite a bit of experience dealing with someone who was angry. Your relationship with your ex-boyfriend was spent almost entirely trying to placate him when he was mad.
This situation wasn't new to you. But being in this situation with Charlie was new. You hated it.
"If you would've told me that you were thinking about coming, I would've stopped you." Charlie paused, staring at you. "I wouldn't have let this happen."
You considered that, giving him a tiny smile in hopes it would lighten the blow. "I did tell you. Before I surprised you, I asked how you'd feel if I came and you said you would be glad to see me."
Charlie gave you an angry look that made you falter slightly, not expecting that kind of energy from him. "I thought you were joking. That's not...That isn't even the issue here." He said then took a long drink of his beer.
"I just wanted to surprise you." You told him, giving him a sheepish look.
Charlie softened. You were the only person in his life who would think about his happiness long enough to want to surprise him. He should be thankful.
"I know." He said with a sigh. You were so sweet. "I was happy that you did. It just wasn't a great idea."
You looked down at your feet and the way that they were swinging slightly in the air from the way you were sitting on the mattress. You were trying your best not to cry, not enjoying the feeling of disappointing Charlie or putting him in a bad spot.
"We just have to be honest with each other. Moving forward, no more surprises or holding back." Charlie said, his tone quieter than before. "Okay?"
You slowly lifted your head to look up at him. Remembering the fact that you met up with Nicole the day before entered your mind. He didn't know about that yet.
Charlie paused, taking in the way that you were thinking, the gears turning in your mind clear on your face. He grew instantly suspicious.
"Okay?" He repeated, a bit of edge to his tone, giving you a chance to share what you were thinking.
Your mouth went dry. He was already so wound up, this wasn't the time that you wanted to tell him about it. "Okay." You agreed, then swallowed hard past the lump in your throat.
You had to tell him, even if you knew it should probably wait. "Charlie..."
His jaw flexed, eyebrows raising. He had a feeling that you were about to say something that he didn't want to hear. "Yes, honey?" He asked in a strained voice, his eyebrows set in a straight, tense line.
You took a deep breath, looking away from him and down at your hands. You were starting to get anxious, memories of fighting with your ex flooding your mind. Charlie would never act the way that Tom did but still, the worry was always there for you.
"Yesterday," You began slowly, drawing the moment out to keep the inevitable away.
"Mhmm..." Charlie urged you, impatient.
You knew you just needed to rip off the band aid. "I had coffee with Nicole."
Charlie was silent, processing that. "Coffee with Nicole?" He repeated, trying to make sense of it.
You didn't respond out loud, you just gave him a small nod.
Charlie let that statement hit him, feeling like it knocked the wind out of him. He leaned against the wall behind him, trying to imagine you and Nicole in the same room together and what you two would even talk about.
Every time that Charlie thought he had a handle on something, he realized that he truly had no control at all.
He thought that he would be the one to divorce Nicole but she beat him to it and served him the papers when he wasn't expecting it. He thought that they were going to go through the process by themselves, without lawyers, but clearly that didn't work out. He thought that he could continue his life in New York with Henry while being separated from Nicole but that wasn't happening either.
Now, he thought that he had you on his side. After knowing that you were spending time alone with Nicole, Charlie was beginning to question that as well.
"Well, shit." Charlie sighed, dumbfounded.
You felt terrible. You stood up from the edge of the bed in an attempt to get closer to him. When you were near, Charlie pushed off from the wall behind him and began pacing again, walking away from you.
"Charlie," You said in a quiet voice, trying to get his attention.
He ignored it. He was too lost in his thoughts. "What did you two talk about?" Charlie asked as he walked past the window, angrily looking out of it before focusing on his feet against the carpet.
You thought back to everything you learned about Charlie from Nicole. All of the parallels between the two of you. You hoped that it wasn't clear how much your conversation with her had affected you. You haven't stopped thinking about it since.
"We talked about a few things. Mostly Henry. She was really nice actually, I wasn't expecting that" You decided to say, testing the waters.
Charlie let out a frustrated, humorless laugh. As much as it should shock him, he wasn't anywhere near surprised that discussion about his son was going on behind his back.
"What else?" He asked, pausing across the room from you.
The look in his eyes made you freeze. You knew that you just agreed to be honest with him but the thought of upsetting him made you want to keep quiet. "We talked about you." You admitted cautiously.
Charlie's eyes grew dark and he began walking towards you, careful and calculated. You felt like he was stalking you, his pace fueled by his irritation with this entire situation. "And what exactly did she say about me?"
As he spoke, he walked towards you so that you had no choice but to back up in time with his steps or otherwise be knocked down by him. Your heart pounded. You knew that it was just Charlie but if it was anyone else, you'd be terrified right now.
He was still being gentle and when you looked into his eyes, you could see twinkles of who he was. But you'd never seen Charlie mad in this way.
A sick part of you wondered if you would've enjoyed it and got a thrill from it, if his feelings weren't placed in your direction.
"She uh," You stumbled on your words and nearly your feet as you allowed him to back you up against the wall. You glanced up at him and saw the way his glare was piercing down at you, sending a shiver up your spine.
"Go on," He urged you, soft but threatening.
Inside, Charlie was horrified at the thought of Nicole talking badly about him, leaving out bits of truth or lying entirely to get you to leave him. You couldn't leave him, he continued to tell himself.
You blinked, feeling anxious tears pricking the backs of your eyes. "I-" You interrupted yourself by taking a deep breath. "I can't do it if you stare at me like that." You informed him.
Your statement mirrored the conversation you had previously, when you were reading lines from his play and the way he was affectionately watching you made you nervous.
But this was much different.
Charlie regarded you for a few seconds, looking down at you in silence before he turned on his heel. He took a rushed drink from his beer, shaking his head at himself.
He was losing it. He was more stressed than he was sure he'd ever been and the idea that you might be hiding something from him or thinking differently of him was pushing him to the edge.
You collected yourself, knowing that you needed to explain what happened to him to calm him down. Nicole made you question things but it didn't change your mind. You loved Charlie even more now, knowing more about him.
"Nicole told me what it was like when you two first met." You said, attempting to sum the conversation up.
Charlie tensed. He couldn't even imagine the things that Nicole must've shared or worse, lied about.
"It was hard to think about the two of you ever having fun together but..." You frowned, trying to choose your words wisely. "Me and her have a lot more in common than I thought. She told me that I remind her of herself when she first met you."
That last sentence is what made Charlie snap inside.
It made sense now, why she was choosing to be kind to you. She didn't want to talk to you to protect Henry or her family. Nicole wanted to talk to you so that you left them alone. She wanted you out of their lives.
Whether that was truly her intention or not, Charlie was convinced that Nicole was telling you whatever she could to make you question your feelings for him.
You and him were nothing like he and Nicole were.
When he was with Nicole, even in the beginning, it was never perfect. It never felt the way it did with you.
There were so many things about you that Nicole would never be able to give him and there were so many things that he could never give her. They weren't right for eachother. They weren't like you and him.
Charlie turned around to face you, his finger pointing in an accusatory way. "Do not compare yourself to her!" He growled, once again stalking towards you, his emotions driving him forward.
You let out an exhale, a breath that you hadn't realized you were holding.
Charlie hadn't ever yelled at you before now.
You attempted to respond but he talked over you, his voice much deeper and louder than yours could ever be.
"She's doing it on purpose. Can't you see that? She's manipulating you. She's manipulating everyone." He ranted, his eyes searching your expression wildly.
Nicole knew that you'd do anything to make it work with Charlie, even fly to LA to talk to her in an attempt to end any tension.
It wasn't fair. You fell for it but you had no reason not to. You only did it because you loved Charlie and he understood that.
You stared at him in silence, letting him shout, even if it was in your direction. As much as it made you nervous, you knew that he needed to do this. Charlie tried so hard to keep his composure. He needed to let it out.
"I don't even understand it. It's not her. It's the lawyers and her friends. It's everyone but the two of us and it doesn't make any fucking sense." Charlie said, eyes fluttering quickly as angry moisture filled them.
You nodded, encouraging him, unable to stop the way that tears fell from your eyes. Charlie's emotions had become yours. You felt his pain right now. You had no idea how to help besides to be there for him.
Charlie hated the way that you were crying. He hated seeing you upset. He hated that his marriage was taking over and if he wasn't careful, he was afraid that his divorce could ruin your life with him.
"She's insane," Charlie said, thinking, stepping away from you and adjusting the grip of the beer bottle in his hand.
His muscles tensed and he let out a grunt of frustration before he threw the bottle at the wall, tearing a piece of the wallpaper and denting the cheap drywall. "And she's fucking winning!"
You jumped at the sound of the glass colliding with the wall, squeezing your hands into fists so that you didn't let out a dramatic gasp and upset him further.
Charlie stared down at the shards on the carpet, the mess he left behind after his outburst. His chest was rising and falling quickly.
The release of him throwing it had been a rush of therapeutic release.
It opened the floodgates, the sense of hostility leaving his body and the desire to allow himself to feel the rush of catharsis, the relief of his strong emotions, took over.
You stayed frozen in place for a few minutes, allowing him to take deep breaths and think over whatever was running through his head.
"I feel like I'm losing everything." Charlie said in a faraway voice, his eyes glued to the spot on the ground. Trails of beer ran down the wall, pooling at the bits of glass on the floor.
The feeling of control that he felt when he threw it, only lasted that long. It was over now.
"You aren't." You told him gently, almost too cautious to say anything at all. "You aren't losing me." You assured him, "Right? I'm still here."
Charlie slowly looked over at you. His commanding, fear invoking expression from earlier was completely wiped away. Instead, he looked scared and lost. His bottom lip trembled, eyes wide and brows knitted together as he stared at you.
"You're the only person on my side." He admitted to you, thinking about how heavy of a statement that was. Charlie began openly crying now, unable to stop himself as he came to terms with how quickly his life changed in such a short amount of time.
You nodded, taking that in. There was no one else who was there to comfort Charlie. If he didn't have you, he'd come home to an empty hotel room and be burdened with working on Exit Ghost matters on his own, legal fees, and his sadness about his relationship with Henry.
Thinking about that possibility made your heart shatter.
Charlie deserved more. He deserved to be with you. He deserved to be happy.
"You're all I have too, you know." You reminded him with a slight smile. "There's no one else in my life like you. There never has been." You told him, the pit in your stomach growing as you realized it.
Before Charlie, there had never been anyone who cared about you as deeply as he did.
Charlie broke down at that, his own stomach flipping at the thought of you two alone against the world. You had no one but each other.
Charlie was petrified at the idea that if your paths hadn't crossed via his theater company, the two of you would've never found each other.
He moved closer to you, weeping and shaking.
Charlie put his hands over his eyes, humiliated that he was this emotional in front of you but also unable to stop himself from being this way. He was so grateful for you and so worried that somehow, someday, he might not have you.
Before you could wrap your arms around him and hug him to comfort him, Charlie dropped to his knees in front of you.
He was putting it all out there, exposing this deepest part of his desperation for stability because he trusted you.
You swallowed hard, not expecting him to behave this way. Just as you hadn't seen him so furious and intimidating before, you also hadn't seen him this weak.
Charlie wrapped his arms tightly around your thighs, burying his head into the crook of your waist from his kneeling position.
His tears stained the thin material of your sweatshirt as he trembled against you and held you so tightly that you were sure you could break.
"I'm sorry." Charlie sobbed against you, his fingertips digging into your skin. His chest heaved with the shaky inhale he took, unable to catch his breath because of how hard he was crying.
You weren't entirely sure what he was saying sorry for. It could be a number of things: the way he yelled at you, his emotional outburst he was displaying right now, or the overall situation that the two of you were suffering through.
"Me too." You muttered, running your fingers through his hair and holding him tightly against you as he cried.
There were also many things that you wanted to say sorry for: the fact that you flew out to LA, keeping information from him, or being one of the many stressors in his life that brought him to this state of mind.
The specifics of your apologies didn't matter.
You'd forgive him every time. Just as he would with you.