Onika Tanya Maraj
Days At Bootcamp:
19.
.
.
Onika and her father were eating dinner together, they were going to get seafood take out as a treat for her 20th day of sobriet tomorrow.
But he thought of a better Idea—trying to cook with Onika.
Which ended up as a mess, Onika getting old bay in her eye and screaming at live crabs.
"Get that sea spider away from me!" Onika shouted.
"It's a crab." Robert said in a duh tone staring at the one that dropped out the bag. He brought live crabs to steam. And she on the counter with a spatula in her hand about to hit it.
"So? Crab? You act like that's any better." She mumbled and he rolled his eyes putting it in the boiling pot.
After she calmed down she sighed and sat across from him on the island in his kitchen. She's been meaning to talk to him again—she can't thank him enough and she's appreciated his presence in her time of need.
"I—I've really like—appreciated this." Onika managed to get out and her dad smiled at her.
"I really appreciate you trying. This is all you baby girl." He said and smiled up at him. "Thanks I just—I just knew I would've been struggling even more if it wasn't for you." She mumbled.
"It's no problem. I know what that's like. I think the key is staying away from influences. When I was getting sober I avoided people I knew did and sold drugs—that really kept me strong." He said.
"You—you said granddaddy did this with you too? This—bootcamp?" She asked and he nodded smiling and sighing.
"What was it like?" She asked.
"Imagine hell, but there's a basement in hell. And that basement has a even deeper level." He started explaining.
"Florida?" Onika asked and her dad shook his head. "Nah, right past Florida and Arizona—and Cali lies deeper hell labeled "Grandaddys bootcamp"" He said.
"He worked my ass to the bone. But it whipped me in shape. And I hated him for half of it. But I kept my kids in mind. He was the one who forced me to go to therapy and I'm happy he did." He stared.
Onika never met her grandfather, "He had his own issues. That's why you couldn't meet him. And lord was he a jackass for most of my life but.." Robert trailed off and sighed.
"He was there for me when I really needed it." He said and it reminded Onika of her and her father.
"You know I-I spent a pretty good amount of my life loathing you like you did granddaddy?" Onika asked and Robert sighed nodding.
"And you had every right to. Addicts can ruin other peoples lives. I'm just—disappointed mine got that bad that it effected you so—deeply." Robert mumbled.
"You didn't ruin my life." Onika said after a few seconds of silence.
"You just made it a little tougher. I think a few other things ruined my life. Ya know like—drugs." She said chuckling nervously.
"I'm proud of you ya know. For sticking to this. Rehab bootcamp is good—staying away from enablers is key after though." He said pointing at Onika.
"Enablers?" Onika asked and Robert nodded.
"Enablers. People who—give you or sell you drugs. Might even do the shit with you. I've learned their more of what I like to call "controlled addicts"which is a bit of a oxymoron." He said.
Onika decided to listen to him talk.
"They can really slow down and completely halt your recovery— I recommend staying away from those people." He said and Onika couldn't stop thinking about a certain someone.
"H-How can you tell when someone's an enabler?" Onika asked.
"It's pretty easy really, if they give you something they know you're a addicted to—then that's an enabler. Especially if it's for their own gain. Some people who do drugs wants to drag someone else down with them—so they don't feel alone. It's pretty sad really." Robert explained.
Robert noticed Onika was looking down, like she was thinking real hard.
"Can an enabler—be a friend?" Onika asked and Roberts faces softened.
"An enabler isn't a friend. You may think they are—but if they give you the substance Onika—they aren't a friend. You just thought they were because they gave you what you were so addicted to." Robert explained.
Onika blinked and blinked over and over again.
"Some do it to take advantage of others—drugs can be a good and bad thing. I—I'm sure you know that now." Robert said and Onika felt tears brim her eyes.
She didn't want to believe Lauren was an enabler—but when her father began explaining her brain had accepted it before she did.
"Enablers aren't your friends." Robert said and he could tell whoever gave Onika those drugs—was someone she was close to.
"B-But Laurens my friend." Onika whispered.
Robert knew it had to be Lauren.
"Lauren isn't a friend. Maybe at one time she was—but she was probably just a kid like you were. Rough around the edges but still innocent." Robert explained.
"But—you're an adult now. Being bad as a kid isn't the same as being destructive as an adult." He said seriously.
Onika thought of all the times Lauren was there for her—and at times she genuinely was. Lauren used to just be the general bad kid—but she was still a kid.
"I know Lauren was your friend. I know I made it very clear I didn't like her and neither did your mother but—she made you happy so she dealt with it." Robert said taking Onikas hand.
"B-But—she—she knows what it's like. Having a broken family." Onika mumbled. That's how they bonded.
"She's an adult now; she has no excuse how she acts. She can't blame her parents she can't blame, her home life. Things can be forced on you all you want—it's your choice if you let it define and effect you." He stated.
"What happens to you—doesn't define you. Lauren is letting it define her—which is negatively affecting you and is going to negatively affect your recovery if you entertain her." Robert said.
Onika could feel tears staining her cheeks.
"I know this must be a lot to realize and come to terms with. But not everyone you trust—is a good person. Like Safaree—he didn't believe you did he?" Robert asked trying to make a point.
"H-He had a right to be mad at me though right? It's my fault—i shouldn't have gotten drunk—
"You can't consent when you're under the influence. You're feeling alot of emotions at once right now so you're not thinking clearly but—none of what happened that night was your fault at all." He stated seriously.
"I—I need to go—upstairs." Onika mumbled with shaky hands and her father sighed nodding. He knew Onika had some shit to figure out on her own.
Onikas hand shook as she went to her bedroom and shut the door.
She didn't want to believe Lauren was a bad person but the more she thought about the more sadness and anger overwhelmed her.
"S-She gave me—drugs—and.." Onika gulped before heading to the bathroom. She looked at the now dull and light hickies around her neck.
She looked back at herself—she felt her lip quiver. Flashes of Lauren on top of her—the night where Onika yelled and cried infront of her before running to her father all came in her head.
You can't consent while under the influence.
"I'm so stupid." She said shakily hugging herself.
She felt—violated in every way possible. She felt gross as she looked at herself. She wanted to forget—like always did.
Snort something—smoke it—whatever it was. She wanted something that would make her forget about the sorrow she was beginning to feel.
She looked up in the mirror at herself again and gulped.
"You have to deal—with your issues Oni." She mumbled looking at herself. She felt stupid talking to herself but she's found that it helps her a little.
"Abusing drugs—does more harm than good—I can deal with my issues in healthier w-ways." She mumbled. She still felt terrible but—she knew she couldn't turn to drugs.
She knew she shouldn't turn to them even if she was given the access too.
She needed to clock in for the night, she hugged herself as she cried. She thought of Ming—Beyoncé. She wanted to make them proud—let them know she made it.
She wouldn't give in.
But she did still feel terrible. She felt a soft rub on her back she knew it was her father.
"It's okay to feel Onika. Feelings don't make you feel weak. Feelings make you human baby girl." Her father said and Onika hugged him as she cried.
"T-Thanks dad." She said sniffling and he nodded, "I'm proud of you Wheezy." He said trying to get her to smile and Onika cracked a smile through her tears a bit.
"F-Fuck you." Onika mumbled wiping more tears.
They stayed like that together hugging. Robert felt terrible knowing his daughter was going through this.
"S-She was my friend." Onika mumbled and Robert knew the girl felt betrayed.
"Was. I'm happy you're using past tense. She's not good for you." Robert mumbled and Onika nodded as she sniffled. She desperately wanted to believe she was good for her but—
She was starting to realize deep down that she wasn't.
"You're gonna be okay Oni, you know that?" Robert asked and Onika nodded. "Repeat it for yourself—like an affirmation." He said smiling and she cracked a smile.
"I'm gonna be okay." She sighed and he smiled.
"You're gonna be okay."
.
.
.
Days At Bootcamp: 27.
Onika and her farther jogged on the beach together, she still couldn't keep up with him fully but she didn't fall each time anymore.
And on some days her farther painted with her—no matter how bad she was at it.
She felt this new feeling of prosperity—that she never wanted to go away. She'd be lying if she said she hadn't thought about any substances since she's been clean—but she doesn't crave them anymore.
That's a lot alot of progress for her.
Currently she was doing yoga—something she thought only rich white woman did in their free time.
"Dad this hurts." She mumbled and he rolled his eyes. "Because your posture is terrible that's why." He stated and she rolled her eyes, she didn't like yoga.
She continued to do it though—it was calming. She watched the waves crash against each other and sighed. It was calming.
They sat together, her fathers eyes closed as she stared at the scenery infront of her.
It reminded her of Beyoncé and how they watched the sunset together like her and her father were doing.
She sighed.
"What's itchin your ass?" He asked and Onika jumped up turning to him. "What?" She asked.
"You've been sighing at the sunset since you gained some sense and realized you need to get sober. Care to tell Papa Robert why?" He asked grinning and Onika rolled her eyes.
"First, never refer to yourself as Papa Robert again. Second—it's—nothing." She mumbled. She felt wrong referring to something that had to do with Beyoncé, as "nothing"
"Well it's something—but it should be nothing—but it's something I'm confused about." Onika tried explaining.
"How about you use this something called sense and speak and proper sentences for me?" Robert asked and Onika sighed.
"I just—miss my friend." Onika mumbled.
"Lauren?" Robert asked. Onika shook her head.
"I don't think I can think of her as the same anymore." Onika mumbled. "Then who?" Robert asked.
"Just this—girl. Beyoncé—the—" Her father cut her off.
"The one that you cried hugging after y'all had to say goodbye to each other?" Robert asked and Onika nodded sighing.
"I miss her." She mumbled. Robert watched how his daughter was seriously staring out onto the ocean—thinking about this girl.
"What do you miss about her?" Robert asked approaching the question carefully. Onika sighed smiling at the thought of Beyonce.
"I don't know—I think like—everything? She's so nice to me—and actually likes hanging out with me—She makes me feel less depressed—and more giddy." Onika exclaimed.
"She—she doesn't expect anything from me when she does something for me. She doesn't expect anything in return. She makes me feel so—happy. " Onika said sighing.
"Some of the shell colors remind me of her eyes. Their hazel colored." Onika mumbled looking at the new shells being washed up on the beach.
Some of the shells colors are swirly, mixing with multiple colors just like Beyonces eyes. The comparison made Onika happy as she held one carefully.
"She's just her. That's what I like about her." Onika mumbled with a soft smile on her face.
Robert smiled hearing Onika talk about this girl, "Is she a good influence?" He asked Onika and she nodded.
"She supported me no matter what—she was there during my.." Onika coughed into her arm.
"My overdose. S-She was there for me and I was so scared. Her and Ming were there for my first rehab meeting." Onika said. She still felt bad lying to her and Ming about continuing to go to those.
"She sounds pretty great." Robert said and Onika sighed.
"She definitely is.."Onika mumbled.
"I support your happiness no matter what. I have a feeling you're still dealing with some issues right now so I wouldn't jump into a relationship at this second." He cut in and Onika jumped out of her skin.
"Huh?" She asked turning to him and Robert looked at her confused.
"Dad what are you talking about?" Onika asked shaking her hand and her dad realized he got the wrong Idea.
"Sorry just—the way you talked about her reminded of younger me. Talking about your mother—I thought you were—interested in her." Robert said and Onika blinked and shook her head.
"What? No! No—I mean—no? Im not?"Onika mumbled.
"Is that a question?" Robert asked and Onika stared at the Ocean while gulping.
"I—I'm not sure." Onika mumbled.
"Nothings wrong with you being interested in her. The way she makes you feel—the way you described it—really did sound like something else Oni. I've never heard you about someone like that." Robert stated.
Onika blushed deeper and deeper at what he was talking about. She thought Beyoncé was perfect in her own way—and she made her smile—and feel—safe.
"Don't overwhelm or confuse yourself right now. You have alot going on. Just—don't hold yourself back from something that could make you happy Oni." Robert said beginning to get up and she continued to stare out at the ocean.
She wasn't sure about her feelings for Beyoncé.
She didn't want to overthink—so she didn't think.
She just stared at the sun setting like Beyoncé and her used to.
"Beyonce.." She sighed happily watching the sunset fully set.
Little did she know Beyoncé was watching the sunset as well—mumbling Onikas name with the same happy sigh.