I feel like just yesterday I was writing in here and mentioned how we had midterms coming up. Well, midterms are coming up again, and it's our last year here at U.A. I think we're all planning on attending the same college connected to U.A. It's strange. Endeavor's been dead for over two years. Same with Fuyumi.
So much time has passed, and yet, somehow, it's all still the same. I remember entering U.A. through recommendations and refusing to use my left half. I remember being saved from my past by Midoriya. I remember the anxiety that grew in me from Endeavor's abuse. Then, Bakugou started to find out more about me, and his suspicions grew. Everyone was worried about me. They all knew I came back to U.A. with new injuries after the weekends when I had to go home for my beatings.
As time went on, my depression got worse, and I wanted to die, but because I hated Endeavor so much, I didn't let him have what he wanted: I refused to die, no matter how much I wanted everything to be over. I got into cutting, smoking, drugs, and alcohol to cope with everything. I finally told Katsuki that Endeavor was the one abusing me after he'd been prying and waiting patiently to get enough definitive proof of my abuser, and later, we became boyfriends. Endeavor tried to kill himself, and I found him in the kitchen with a knife in his chest. I asked him if he wanted me to save him or end his suffering, and he told me to end it, so I pulled out the knife. It will be remembered in history as his suicide, though. I still killed my father, and only Katsuki knows that.
Fuyumi died in an accident not too long after that. I got tired of pretending to care. That's when people really started to hate me. Oh. I remember that one guy that punched me in the face after telling me I should drop out of U.A. because I'm not a real hero. That's right. I almost forgot about him. I heard he committed suicide.
Time really does fly. It's still strange how I'm not abused when I go home. So much has changed. Yet, I sometimes forget that I used to feel miserable every single day. I sometimes forget that I used to feel happy every single day. I sometimes forget that I used to cry every single day.
How am I feeling right now? Tired. Every day, I'm very tired, no matter how much sleep I get. I even sleep through the night and into the afternoon sometimes, and I still can't find the energy to get up. This is very similar to how I felt when I was depressed. But I'm not. So, what am I? If I'm not depressed, sad, angry, or happy, what am I?
Katsuki pointed out how I've lost weight, I look a lot paler, I don't leave my dorm very often, and I don't reply to most of his messages. I didn't notice any of those things except the part about not leaving my dorm much. Again, he suggested that I might be severely depressed, but that's not it. It's not, right? Can I even be sure of that? I don't know anymore. But sleeping is still better than cutting, drinking, or getting high, right? I haven't had any alcohol in a few weeks. I cut a few days ago, though. Well, it wasn't so much cutting as it was taking a pair of scissors and stabbing into my arms. It didn't even hurt in the moment. It did, but it didn't. I mainly felt the dull taps of the blades puncturing my skin. It hurt a lot after the adrenaline faded, though.
I've also been having a lot of suicidal urges. I don't even realize it sometimes. During the nights when I can't sleep, I wander off, and suddenly, all that's on my mind is a debilitating wave of voices telling me to kill myself. They never tell me how, but they influence my actions.
Am I going crazy?