Do read the authors note at the end:)
Alexandra's POV
There used to be days I thought I was okay, or at least thought that I was going to be.
If someone asks you how you are, you're meant to say 'I'm fine'. You're not meant to say that you cry yourself to sleep every single night because of everything that's been going on in your life, or that you have no one to comfort you and tell you that everything is going to be okay.
Fine is what you're suppose to say.
When your heart is paining but it can't be treated with any medicine.
When you're so engrossed in pain that you forget happiness. You stop doing what you love, you feel lonely when you're sitting in a place filled with people.
Happy people.
There is this constant feeling, deep inside you that leaves you restless, It can only be treated by love and when you don't have that, you learn to live with it but it doesn't lessen the pain, even after years.
I feel certain that I'm going mad, I feel like I can't go through another one of these terrible days.
I feel like I can't take all this anymore, I wake up every morning, scared if I'll be able to live to see the next day.
Every night, a new nightmare.
I wake up every morning, slowly losing myself.
I feel like I can't live another day.
I have experienced extreme emotional pain; the kind of pain that would get you curled into a ball on the floor and make it hard for you to breathe.
Even when I stop crying, even when I fall asleep, I'm still haunted by him.
It'll leave a scar.
A scar no one will see.
A scar no one will know.
But it'll be there.
The world we live in, the cruel, sadistic world.
The daily sufferings and all the injustice that happens.
Everyday, I lose myself and suffer because of what some messed up human being does to me.
A few years ago was when I reached a point where I only wished for death.
When I think about it, I feel peace.
I stopped believing that maybe, someday, there will be someone that will magically appear and save me, take me away from this hell and give me the life I have always dreamed of living.
So, here I am, stood in front of the mirror, with a sharp blade in hand.
I'm tired, tired of all of this.
It hurts so much.
I bring my head up to look at myself in the mirror.
The girl who stares back at me has thick long, wavy, light brown hair going down her shoulders and her eyes are full of life.
She has a bright smile on her face, showing her deep dimples and pearly white teeth.
Her eyes are so beautiful, it sparkles with so much happiness and peace.
She doesn't have bruises everywhere, her body is smooth and clear of any scars.
She's beautiful.
She's the girl I want to be.
And soon, she disappears and is instead replaced by a girl with bruises covering every inch of her body.
Eyes dull and red with dark circles under them.
She's stood with tears rolling down her cheeks, so much pain in her eyes.
I stare at myself.
I look away from the mirror and back down at the razor blade in hand.
I'm not worth anything.
There won't be anyone in this world who would shed a single tear if I'm gone.
I hope in the next life, I'll have a better childhood, parents, and maybe even some friends. I hope it's better than this life.
I hope its not as sad as this life.
I slowly bring the razor blade to my wrist and in one swift motion, the razor slices deep into my skin.
So much blood dripping onto the floor.
I feel... dizzy.
Free.
I bring my head to look up at the mirror one last time and a small smile appears on my lips, before I close my eyes and drop to the floor.
Before I fully let go, the door slams open, smacking against the bathroom wall,
"You fucking brat!"
The voices, they tried to get to me. And they won.
I'm sorry I couldn't fit into any of your expectations.
I'm sorry you all see me as some freak with no family.
I'm sorry for everything.
And I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to stay long enough.
❦ ❦ ❦
Alexandra's POV
I slowly peel open my eyes but quickly shut them once they were met with bright light.
Where am I?
I groaned and moved my body to face the other side and immediately regretted it when extreme pain erupted throughout my whole body.
I cried out in pain, clutching my torso and bringing myself into a fetus position.
Suddenly, continuous beeping sounds could be heard.
"Honey, breathe. Please baby." I heard a familiar feminine voice instructing me.
Mom.
She's here.
"It hurts." tears streamed down my face at the amount of pain I'm feeling.
Why does it hurt so much?
"Can we get a fucking Doctor in here!"
Doctor.
No. No, no, no.
The hospital.
Jack. Tony. Them.
My heart was pounding in my chest, blood rushing in my ears. My lungs tightened, making it difficult for me to breathe.
"Alexandra, you're okay. Please look at me angel." another voice said as they took my hand in theirs.
I shook my head, "No, he's here. He's here. Don't l-let him take me p-please. I don't want to go back there."
"Angel, he's not here, and you aren't going anywhere, please look at me, it's Ares. I won't hurt you, I promise." He whispered, his voice was so soft and comforting, nothing like Jack's.
I listened to his soft and soothing words and slowly calmed myself down but remained in the same position, with my eyes screwed shut.
"I need you all to leave the room, please." an unfamiliar voice said this time.
"No!" My eyes snapped open and I looked up at Ares while clutching his hand tightly.
"No, please don't leave. Please." I cried and squeezed his hand, my fingernails digging into his the skin of his hand.
He can't leave me here, they'll hurt me, like Jack.
I felt Ares slowly sitting on the bed and carefully bringing me close to his chest, making sure that he didn't hurt me.
I cried into his chest as I repeatedly whispered for him to not leave me here.
"Shh. Angel, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere okay?" he whispered, his hand smoothening down my hair as he carefully stroked my head.
Slowly, I felt the pain fade away and soon enough, my cries were replaced with hiccups as I listened to his steady heartbeat.
"Okay, all done. I'll give you guys some privacy before discussing her condition." the same unfamiliar voice said.
"Thank you Doctor Watsons." I heard Dad say before the sound of the door closing was heard.
Sighs and whispers could be heard, followed by two sets of footsteps approaching the bed.
"Alexandra, can you please look at me?" Dad softly questioned.
I shook my head and hid myself in Ares' chest.
They know.
They saw what he did to me, they saw everything.
I can't look at them anymore. I don't want them to see me like this.
"Sweetie, you don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to, you can tell us when you're ready." Dad spoke softly.
"No, I'll answer your questions but please don't make me go back there. I hate it there, I can't go back, they'll hurt me again."
My voice cracked towards the end as I said that.
"I don't want to go back." my voice was low as my eyes were finally opened and staring at the wet spot on Ares' shirt.
A hand came around to touch my face and I involuntarily flinched but that didn't stop the person from reaching out to softly grab my face.
My face was brought up to look at Ares' as he wiped the dried tears away, "You're not going anywhere, Alexandra. You belong here and I'll fucking hurt everyone who tries to hurt you." My eyes looked into his deep blue ones.
I moved away from Ares' hand. "You're just saying that but later on you're all going to leave and I'll be alone, just like how it was before."
"We're so sorry we couldn't protect you but Alexandra, believe it or not, you're the most important person in all our lives. You have no idea how much it hurt us when you weren't here with us. If we could, we would take away all the pain you're feeling but we can't. All we can do right now is earn your trust and wait for you to tell us what happened so we can help you. We know you don't trust us now but when you do, we're here for you and we will listen to everything you have to say. We're here to stay and we won't ever leave you. Please understand that baby." Mom takes my hand in hers as she looks me in the eyes, letting me know that each and every word she's saying, is true.
"It's not that I don't trust you. Even if I did trust you, I can't tell you everything because it's scary just thinking about it all. I want to tell you guys everything but... I'm scared." I told them as I avoided eye contact with everyone in the room.
It was true that I want them to know everything, about Tony, Jack, all the bullying at school, my attempt, I want to tell them all but I can't find it in me to let it out.
I want to start over and to do so, I need to let go of the past, I need to forget it or at least bury it deep inside my head, but I'm scared that everything will turn out to be different once I let it all out.
"Scared of what?" Dad questioned, his eyes softening.
I turned to face him and pursed my lips.
They all look like they're genuinely trying.
I breathed in before saying, "Scared that everything will be different once my past is out, scared that you all will treat me differently, like I'm some fragile child who can't handle small amount of pain. I'm scared that you all will be disgusted in me because what I've been through is something that I can't change, something so painful that it's stuck with me for the rest of my life. I'm covered in scars and I'm scared you all will be disgusted."
I looked up to see them with their eyes on me, holding so many emotions in them.
"I understand that it's difficult for you to open up about something traumatic but I can assure you that not a single person in this room will judge you. You may think all those negative things about yourself, and let me tell you, you're anything but all the things you think you are, In all of our eyes, you're the most amazing person to walk on earth, you have the kindest soul and you're the strongest girl we know, you deserve the world. No one will be disgusted in you, no one will abandon you, no one will judge you Alexandra. We're family till the end. Please, just try and give us a chance to help you, sweetie." Dad said with a sad smile, looking me in the eyes and his tone so soft.
"I-I," I paused.
I didn't know what to say to that, it was my first time hearing such words directed towards me.
I feel...empty.
I don't know if I should trust them.
After a moment of thinking, I bit on my bottom lip, thinking if this is the right choice,
"Okay."
"Okay?" Ares asked.
I smiled, "Okay."
I turned to look at Mom and Dad to see them already looking at me, with a smile as Dad had his arm around Moms shoulder.
"It's alright Alexandra, you don't have to tell us now, we can talk about this when you're ready but as of right now, how about we get something to eat, yeah? And then you can rest." Dad got up from the sofa and stretched, causing me to lightly laugh at how weird he looked.
Right then, the door slowly opened and entered Elio with bags of food in his hand, "I swear to god that old lady at the tacos place was hitting on me." Elio frowned.
I slightly tilted my head at him who was still oblivious to the people in the room.
I let out a light giggle when he continued ranting about the lady flirting with him, which made his head snap to my direction and his eyes to widen.
"You're awake." he stated as he placed the bags of food on the sofa and rushed towards me.
"Move Ares." Elio shoved Ares out of the hospital bed and took his spot as he gave me a soft hug.
"How are you feeling, little one?" He mumbled in my hair.
I wanted to say that I felt like I wanted to puke my guts out because I still can't believe that they know.
I don't know if I wanted them to find it out this way or if I wanted to let them know about it in my own span of time.
But I know that if I were to tell them on my own, I would never have the guts to.
So instead, I replied with a simple,
"I feel fine now."
Elio opened his mouth to say something but was roughly pushed off the bed by Evan. "Okay that's it, I haven't even had a turn."
Elio stood up and scowled at Evan before walking over to the Mom and Dad and helping Mom who was getting the food out while Dad was having a conversation with someone on the phone.
"Hey princess, I'm glad you're finally awake." Evan gave me a bright smile and a hug while ruffling my hair.
"Me too, How long was I out?" I asked him.
Maybe a few hours?—
"Almost 2 weeks." He replied, causing my eyes to widen.
"2 weeks?!" I practically screamed, which was a bad idea because I felt the pain on my ribs, making me hiss and grab onto my stomach.
"Be careful Alexandra, you're gonna hurt yourself." Elio said firmly.
Yeah, thanks for the heads up brother but a little too late for that now.
"Sorry, but I was out for 2 weeks?" I asked more calmly.
Why was I out for 2 weeks? I didn't think my body was in that much pain.
I mean, I handled it for weeks with pain relievers.
"Yup, your body was in too much pain that it had to shut down and give it some time to heal before you woke up." Evan answered, his eyes showing sadness in them.
I frowned and was about to say something, when Ares sighed next to me, "God Alexandra, don't ever scare me like that ever again. I was so fucking worried about you." He mumbled while playing with the material of the fluffy blanket.
I didn't want to hurt myself, but I had to, because it proved to me that I was real, that I was alive. At times it also silenced the chaos in my head by briefly pausing the repetitive flashbacks and memories.
Even if it was just for a short while.
Elio was the one to let out a breath of air, taking my hand in his and stopping me from peeling the skin surrounding my nails.
"Stop thinking about it. We're just happy you're awake. You have no idea how much we had to listen to Evan talk our ears off." He tried to lighten up the mood, and it worked because it made me let out a soft laugh.
"I like it when he rambles, it shows his true self and that he's comfortable talking to me which I like because before I didn't have anyone to talk to, let alone, listen to." a frown made its way onto my face as I rambled.
"You have us now, and I'm sure you'll make lots of friends when you start school. If anyone says something mean to you, come to us and I'll break their nose." Evan held his fist up and examined it.
I giggled and rested my head on Ares' shoulder as Elio left a feather like kiss on my forehead and walked towards the sofa where Mom and Dad was sitting at before they got up.
"We're gonna go talk to the doctor, then go back home and get some work done and we'll be back, is there anything you want us to bring for you sweetie?" Dad walked towards the bed and tugged the fluffy blanket lower so that it was covering my feet.
"No..." I trailed off but then immediately my face brightened up at the thought of one thing.
"Actually... c-could you get me my stuffy?" I asked embarrassingly, what 16 year old would have a stuffed toy?
Dad frowned, "What stuffy?"
"Eeyore? My stuffed donkey, I've had it ever since I was little, I don't know who gave it to me but it helps me sleep." I replied, looking at Dad as his face held confusion which soon turned into realisation.
"The gray stuffed toy with a pink bow on its tail?" Shock overtook my featured, how did he know?
"Yes! That one."
Dad nodded, "Okay, where is it?"
I thought about it before answering, "Under my pillow in my room."
I think that's where I last kept it, I made sure to keep it hidden because I didn't want the others to find out about it, but I guess they can know about it now.
"Alright, I'll be back soon okay? And you boys, make sure she eats." He said pointedly and left after leaving a kiss on my forehead.
Mom also left with Dad, to go speak with the doctor after giving me the same affectionate gesture Dad did and telling me to be careful and to not move too much.
Once the door closed, I was immediately zoned out, thinking of how Dad knew about my stuffy.
"You don't know who got you that stuffed toy?" Evan spoke, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I shook my head and scrunched my brows together.
"Ares got you that." he said casually.
Turning my head to look at Ares, I gave him a confused look.
"He bought you that stuffy when you both turned 5. It was from your favourite cartoon show and Ares knew how much you loved that donkey, so he dragged Dad to multiple different stores just to get you that donkey for your birthday. You were so happy once you had gotten that donkey, you never went anywhere without it." He explained with a fond smile at the memory.
I can't believe it. This whole time, while I was back with him I had a stuffy that my twin got me the whole time.
Eeyore was my favourite thing in the world. I felt safe with Eeyore around, but of course not from him.
Eeyore provided me with the comfort and security I craved. I wanted it with me, a bit like I wanted someone with me all the time when I was back there.
He was the only thing I had. He was my comfort object. Most people would have their family or friends with them to comfort them whenever they were feeling down, but I had Eeyore. I had him when I felt lonely, I had him when I was feeling down, I had him through everything.
He would be there when I would wake up from a nightmare crying. I would hug Eeyore tight and go back to sleep, thankful to have Eeyore with me even though he was just a stuffy, but to me, he was my best friend, my favourite stuffy.
A stuffy that Ares had gotten me.
I slowly nodded and thought of how grateful I am to have this many people to care for me, I'm grateful to finally have a family. My family.
"Thank you Ares." I softly whispered to him, bringing my eyes up and giving him a small smile.
He sent me a little smile of his own and pulled me closer to him lightly where I leaned my head against his shoulder.
❦ ❦ ❦
hello my lovely readersss
how r u guys?
comment if you find any mistakes!
do u guys think i should give Alexandra a love interest?? if yes, comment some ideas on how u would want them to meet!! maybe at the hospital or maybe something different and interesting? do comment ideas!!
don't forget to vote and comment your thoughts on this chapter!! <3
before I end this authors note, I would love to know something about you all.
Where are you guys from?
If you'd like to know anything about me at all, don't be afraid to comment and I'll be sure to answer it!
I'd love to feel close with you guys <3