Hi, Eli ko. Four years na tayo uy! Hindi ko naman in-expect na aabot tayo sa ganito pero alam mo? Ang saya ko pa'rin. Kasi magkasama tayo hanggang ngayon. Sana palaging ganito, palagi tayong masaya. Sana hindi tayo maghiwalay. Huwag mo 'kong iwan, ha? Promise ko sa'yo, dito lang ako. Unless sabihin mo sa'kin na iwan kita (pero alam ko naman na hindi mo sasabihin 'yon). Love na love kita! Mas love pa kita kaysa sa Chicken Lauriat ng Chowking. Happy Anniversary, mahal ko! To more years with you! I love you!
-Sorin mo. ♡
I sobbed while I read his letter from years ago. Bakit ngayon lang? Bakit ngayon pa?
Tinanggal ko lahat ng laman ng box. May maliit pang box sa loob at CD na itinabi ko lang saglit. Tumayo ako para kumuha ng pamunas para matanggal ang alikabok at malinis ang kahon.
Nang matapos ako sa takip at sa gilid-gilid ay sinunod ko ang baba pero napatigil ako nang may makitang puting sobre na nakadikit.
My brows furrowed while opening it and inside was a piece of paper with something written on it.
Hindi ko alam kung babasahin mo 'to pero sana oo. Elise, ang sakit mo naman. Sabi mo mahal mo ako. Sabi mo hindi mo ako iiwanan. Bakit ngayon bigla mong sasabihin na hindi mo na ako mahal? May nagawa ba ako na kinagalit mo? Nagtatampo ka ba? Nasaktan ba kita? Sana kasi sinabi mo para alam ko. Hindi 'yung lalayuan mo ako ng ilang araw tapos saktong anniversary natin makikipaghiwalay ka. Hindi mo 'man lang pinatapos 'tong araw na 'to?
Sabi mo pagod ka na. Paano naman ako? P'wede ka naman magpahinga kung gusto mo, aantayin naman kita. Pero kailangan ba talaga natin maghiwalay? 'Di ba nag promise tayo na kahit anong mangyari, tayo pa'rin sa huli? Hindi ka naman sumusunod sa promise eh. :(
With shaking hands, I hugged the paper and continued crying.
"I'm sorry, Sorin ko. S-Sorry." I sobbed harder.
Naguguluhan ako pero mas nangingibabaw ang galit ko sa sarili ko. I really made an impulsive decision back then and now, I'm suffering because. I should've thought about it more before. Sana okay pa ang lahat ngayon.
I calmed myself and wiped my tears before looking at the small box. I feel like my heart dropped when I saw a necklace inside of it.
It's a gold chain necklace with a sun pendant that had two tiny diamonds on the side.
I smiled despite the pain. Sorin... it means sun. And I used to call him my Sorin because like the sun, he gives light to my days.
I remembered the CD so I took it out of it's case and stared at it.
'4 years :)'
It was written with a black marker.
I sighed and stood up. I looked for my old DVD and when I found it, I tried to turn it on. It worked, fortunately.
I loaded the CD to see what's inside. It only has one video with the title 'my star'.
I played it and Jace was the first one I saw. Mukhang inaayos ang camera.
"Ay, naka-play na ba?" he asked himself and scratched his nape.
"Hi, Eli ko!" he smiled widely and waved. I found myself smiling back.
"So sure ako, pinapanood mo 'to sa araw ng anniversary natin tapos kakauwi mo lang galing date natin? Hmm, tapos sure akong busog ka pa kasi ikaw umubos ng chicken ko?" he predicted. I ended up sighing and shaking my head. Although I know that he can't see me, I still feel like he's actually in front of me.
"Miss na kita. Tagal nating hindi nagkita, lagi tayong busy eh. Ay, alam mo ba? Nanalo 'yung team namin sa championship ng basketball. 'Yung naganap sa kabilang school? Sayang hindi ka nakapunta. Pero okay lang, alam ko naman na busy ka. Dumaan nga kami sa mall 'nung pauwi na kami para kumain tapos napadaan ako bigla sa jewelry shop 'nung nag banyo ako. May nakita akong kwintas. Ilalagay ko nalang din sa box na gift ko, binili ko 'yun para sa'yo." He giggled cutely.
"Sun 'yon. Kasi 'di ba sabi mo ako 'yung sun mo?" his smile widened. "Tapos alam mo ba? Naisip ko na meant to be talaga tayo. Kasi 'Astra' first name mo. Ako naman, 'Sorin'. Parehas na star ang ibig sabihin!" masayang sabi niya at pumalakpak, tuwang-tuwa sa naisip.
"Nakakainis, miss na kita." he groaned. "Sabi ko kanina pupunta ako diyan pero sabi mo busy ka. Sasamahan lang sana kita mag review eh." he pouted. "Pero sige, next time nalang. Basta sa anniversary natin susulitin ko na talaga." he smiled widely.
"Anong purpose ng video na 'to? Hmm, hindi ko din alam Eli ko. Parang gusto ko lang. Remembrance, i-play mo nalang kapag miss mo ako. Para kunyare, kausap mo ako. Wait, wait lang." aniya at biglang lumapit sa camera. Pinunasan ko ang luha ko habang inaantay kung anong gagawin niya.
"Ayan, dito ka muna." sabi niya at mukhang inaayos ang anggulo ng camera. Nagmukha na tuloy na magkaharap kami sa isang lamesa.
"Tutal mahilig kang mag review, mag review tayo ng sabay. Dali, ilabas mo 'yung mga ire-review mo habang pinapanood mo 'to. Promise, quiet lang ako." aniya kaya nagtataka 'man ay napatayo ako at pumunta sa lamesa habang buhat ang maliit na DVD player. Linabas ko amg laptop ko para tapusin ang power point ko para next week.
"Ayan, nailabas mo na? Sige, review ka na." he smiled softly and started reading a book.
Kanina ay wala ako sa mood na gumawa ng kahit anong school related pero hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong ginanahan ngayon.
Lumipas na ang isang oras at pagtingin ko sa DVD ay naka-play pa'rin ang video at nagbabasa pa'rin si Jace kaya napanguso ako at nag focus sa ginagawa.
I was already editing to see if I have mistakes on my power point when Jace suddenly spoke.
"Hey, Eli. Tapos ka na? It's been an hour and uhm, 30 minutes, I think? Pero kung hindi pa, iulit mo nalang okay?" he said and fixed his book. Umayos siya ng upo at may linabas na picture yata
"Ikaw ito oh." he said and showed it in front of the camera. "Ilalagay ko lang malapit sa camera para kunyari, kausap talaga kita."
Nang maayos na niya ang pictyre ay ngumiti siya. "Elise, if you're still watching this, I just want to say that I'm really proud of you and I hope that you reach your dreams someday. I promise, hindi ako mawawala sa graduation mo. Someday, magiging teacher ka na. At someday, maipagmamalaki ko na nakapangasawa ako ng magaling na teacher!" humagikhik siya kaya natawa ako sa kabila ng mga luha.
"I'm really trying my best to be a doctor. Para naman may ipagmalaki ka din 'pag dating ng araw. It's hard but you're here. You're my inspiration. 'Wag mo akong iwan ha? Ikaw talaga ang dahilan kung bakit kinakaya ko pa. Sana proud ka din sa'kin kahit hindi ako masyadong magaling. Pero alam ko naman na kahit gano'n eh love mo ako, 'di ba?"
"Yes, of course." I nodded and smiled sadly.
"Don't leave me, okay? Nag promise ka, sabi mo kapag may problema, pag-uusapan natin. Kapag napagod, magpapahinga. Pero walang bibitaw. Di ba? 'Wag ka bibitaw huh?" he smiled and I saw how a tear escaped his eye. Kaagad niya 'yong pinunasan.
"Mahal na mahal kita, Eli ko. Thank you for being my inspiration. And for loving me. You're everything to me and I know that you know that. I love you so much. Happy fourth anniversary. I love you." he smiled sweetly and the video ended.
"To more years with you! I love you!"
"Mahal na mahal kita, Eli ko."
"Mas love pa kita kaysa sa Chicken Lauriat ng Chowking."
"Miss na kita."
"Sana hindi tayo maghiwalay. Huwag mo 'kong iwan, ha?"
"'Di ba nag promise tayo na kahit anong mangyari, tayo pa'rin sa huli?"
"Hindi ka naman sumusunod sa promise eh."
"You're a bitch, Elise. A fucking selfish bitch." I hissed at myself while I cried. I even started hitting myself out of annoyance.
I know that self harm will do no good but it feels right... I just want to go back to the past and slap myself and tell her to wake up and think twice about what she does.
I stopped hitting myself and sighed heavily. My breathing hitched so I stood up and walked towards my bed.
This is my fault in the first place. I was too impulsive back then, I don't think I considered his feelings. But I knew he fell out of love... he told me that he did. Siguro napagod na din siya sa'kin?
As for me? I thought I did. But he made too much of an impact in me that my love for him was never really gone.
Baka kaya siguro ang bilis kong nasabi noon na naka-move on na ako. Kasi hindi ko naman sinubukan. I just declared that I did. Deep inside, I knew that I still love him. But I was too indenial.
And now, I know for sure that I can't turn back time. If only I could, I'll make it right this time.
But I can't.