DAMIANO
Gemelli University Hospital, 2021
A couple of days of "take some more rest, Damiano" and "let us take care of you" have passed, more days already than the doctors prognosticated. They say I need this bedrest although I really hate it. I'd rather be at home with my friends. They try their best to visit me every day between the visiting hours but still I'm alone in this bleak room for many hours. At night when I can't sleep it seems like ages when it's just me and my endless thoughts. I wonder if I ever sleep again.
Luckily the nurses noticed that I haven't been sleeping and they sent someone to talk about it, a psychiatrist I think, and she prescribed sleeping pills. They work, but the dreamless sleep makes me feel like I'm floating and I'll never land. She also said I might have depression so when I'm dismissed from the hospital I'll have to get therapy. They all say they want to help me but I don't know if they can and if I want to be helped.
My friends told me that it's all over the media that I was in an accident and that I'm stuck in a hospital bed for some time, and that doesn't really bother me but I'd like to have some privacy in here. At the door of my room is nonstop surveillance thanks to Fabrizio and they arranged the best room in here.
Yesterday Ethan said they're getting overloaded with fan mail and gifts for me but they're afraid I'll get overwhelmed by all of it so our team decided I won't get to see it. Maybe it's because it isn't always positive and not everyone is on my side, or they just don't know what's going on and start to assume the wrong things. It has always scared me how fast rumors spread, that's why I decided for myself to have some offline time. It's boring without my phone but I have the people I need around me every day, so it doesn't really matter.
After breakfast, another fruit yogurt and a slice of toast cut into tiny pieces, my friends arrive and I'm happy to see them. Smiling still hurts, actually, it's the doctor's advice to not smile but that's against my nature. Vic embraces me and sits down next to me on the bed and Thomas sits on the foot end. Ethan hesitates to go sit on my other side but then remembers I have a broken arm, so he shoves my chair next to the bed. I start talking, carefully because it hurts, but they all remain silent.
"What's going on, ragazzi?" I ask and I look at them.
"Uhm -," Thomas mumbles, but Vic looks him dead in the eye and shakes her head.
"You know you can't keep secrets from an impaired person," I say knowing they're not telling me something. Even if it's to protect me, I'd still like to know what it is.
"Per favore dimmi cosa c'è che non va," I beg. "Ti prego, it's bad enough that I'm in here."
Now they look at each other and Ethan clears his throat. "Well, you know we're getting lots of letters and presents for you, right? I told you that. We were browsing through all of it and we found something you might want to have," he says hesitantly.
"Si, but we didn't know it would be good for you to see so that's why we had a disagreement," Vic adds.
"Anyway, we took it from the huge pile before our management noticed it, they won't pay attention to one letter more or less we hope..." Thomas says, and Ethan snatches a white envelope out of the pocket of his jacket and hands it to me with a concerned look on his face.
I immediately recognize the curly handwriting, I don't even need to read the name to know who send me this letter. I gasp and all the color flows out of my face. I look at my friends with an open mouth and they stay quiet, waiting for my reaction.
The tension is to cut, but I don't even know how to react to this.
"It's hers," I slowly say. And they nod.
"We know, that's why we didn't know what to do with it, whether you'd want to read what she has written or you'd rather burn it or something," Vic answers.
"I honestly don't know what I want to do with this," I respond.
"Do you want some privacy to read it?" Ethan asks. "We'll wait in the coffee room until you want us to come back, or we can just leave if that's what you want so you can be alone."
"No, don't leave, please don't," I quickly say. "Please stay in the hallway so I can call you if I need it." And that's when I decide I want to read what's inside. I want to read what she wrote, soak it up word by word like the ink that's soaked into the paper.
My friends nod and leave my room. Ethan closes the door behind him and now I'm all alone with this damned card.
If I wasn't this curious and eager to know what's inside, I'd let them throw it in the bin, but since I was longing for her to give me a sign of life for a very long time, I want to do this. I take a deep breath and carefully rip the envelope, she has chosen a cute card with cats and I smirk although I know I shouldn't.
I open the card and all I see is a blur at first. Her handwriting is still the same as before and the fact that she addresses me with 'Caro Damiano' stings in my heart. I'm surprised that she says she still follows what we're doing, she even wrote she's proud of us. And then there's a whole paragraph with apologies. My mouth feels dry and my head fills with bitter thoughts. Maybe it wasn't smart to open her card after all.
Yet I continue reading. I take a sip of my water but right now I might need some stronger drink to flush my feelings away. Then I realize that alcohol is the reason I had the accident, I drank too much at the villa because I was thinking of her. Marlena is the cause of my hurt, still after all those years. She wrote that she wants to see me and that she is doing better. Good for her but I don't know what will happen when we lose contact again, that will only make things worse than where I am now. If she thinks a cute card and some nice words will convince me to contact her, then she's mistaken. I read the last sentence again and again, what does it mean when she says she is still mine when she's the one who left me?
Ethan opens the door and steps into the opening. "Everything okay in here?" he asks, "are you done reading or do you need some more time?"
"Can we come in again, Dami? The floor in here is cold and hard," Thomas says and I hear Vic smacking his leg and shushing him. I chuckle, this behavior is typical for them even in this setting.
"Yes, I am done with the card. I don't know how to feel about it but you can come in if you want to," I answer them. My friends enter the room and go stand at the foot end of my bed, all eyes on me.
"So, what did she write?" Vic asks with a disapproving tone. It's clear to me that she didn't want me to have Marlena's card.
"Stai calma, Vic," Thomas mumbles and he takes her fist in his hands. "Let him speak for himself."
"Thank you, Thomas," I nod. "Well, I don't really know what to do with this. Basically, she says she's sorry and she wants to see me again if I want to because she's doing better."
"I knew it," Vic sisses, "just a stupid apology letter when she doesn't even know for a little bit how hard she has hurt you! It's just not fair when she disappeared and we had to catch you before you broke down completely, and now she wants forgiveness. You aren't going to forgive her, right?"
Now they all look at me again, waiting for an answer. Thomas tightens his grip around Vic's hand before she makes a complete scene, I see the anger in her eyes and we all are sensing it.
Ethan intervenes: "It's not like we will blame you, we just want you to make the best decision to prevent you from getting hurt again. But we trust you and will support whatever you decide to do with it."
I throw him a thank you glance and look at Vic.
"Did you hear the part where I said that I don't know what to do with this... I get that you're mad, but I need you to understand one thing: I have missed Marlena all the time, she has always been on my mind unconsciously, and not ever seeing her again made me go crazy. Why do you think I was drinking? My thoughts have made me seek dangerous situations but those were never enough. I fear that seeing her and talking this out is the only way for me to get better."
I breathe in a couple of times. Deep breaths. That was too much for me to say with my cheeks and mouth still hurting like hell but I had to say this, I had to be honest for once. If we want to fix this as a friend group, as a band, we all will need to speak our truths.
"And this is between me and Marlena," I continue, "we both made mistakes, you only know my side but no one of us knows what it has been for her. I need this as a way of closure so please allow me to go see her. I'll only do it if you all support my decision because you're my friends, you're everything I have left so I don't want to fight with you about something that's in the past."
Now we all look at Vic and she swallows.