Jem's POV
The guilt from killing Crain still felt like it was smothering me I forced myself to not care about it anymore. Andrew and Patrick were getting suspicious and if that continued it would complicate things way too much.
So I pushed the guilt away.
Unlike Ash Dunham, Crain didn't get a shallow grave in a ditch in a random street. His body had been buried on my property, deep in the woods where no one would bother him except for me.
Other body surrounded him, all of them died because I had pushed things too far and I couldn't force myself to just throw them out like trash.
A small wooden cross was the only thing to mark his grave but it was enough to tell me exactly who he was and remind the exact reason why he was here and not still in the world thriving.
I shook my head from the thought as I forced myself to focus on Patrick again.
A few days ago when they forced me out to the lake and then the next morning with Patrick had reminded me that I had people watching me again. I couldn't let myself slip like that any more. Not until they left at least.
Since then, I had forced smiles again, I cooked and baked daily like they expected me to, I stuck to the schedule everyone knew I was delusional for following so religiously.
I could tell Dev and Barrett didn't buy the act for a second but so far they hadn't said a word to me about it and I was thankful for it.
Now the three of us sat in the living room as we eat dinner. The TV played in the background but none of us were really watching it. Our focus was on Patrick who was going over some traffic stop one of his officered had to deal with.
"So he gets up to the dude's window and the second the woman rolls it down, you can see the smoke just pouring out of the car. The second he smells it, Jameson knows it's weed and since it's illegal in our state, he tells her to step out of the car so he can arrest her. She does but when he tries to cuff her she starts grinding on him and cups his junk like she's about to get laid on the hood of car as if this was a sex video." Andrew's eyes go wide as if it were the wildest thing he had ever heard of.
"People actually grope officers? I thought that was fake."
"It happens more often than you would think," Patrick said with a bit of sadness in his voice.
"I swear I'd have to taze a bitch for that," I sighed as I put my plate on the coffee table.
"It's not as satisfying but she's getting charged with sexual misconduct of an officer along with possession. Thankfully we have the body cam footage so she won't be able to say he started hitting on her or anything."
"Because that's so much better," I said with a small eye roll but Patrick shrugs it off.
"Anything happen to you today," he asked Andrew now that he was done with his drama drop for the day.
"Not really. Had a few breakthroughs, changed some meds, the usual. Jem?"
"Sold some stuff, bought a few things, the usual," I teased as I smirked at him. He gave me a small glare as his eyes moved back to the TV.
The second his eyes left me the smirk was gone. I fought the urge to rub the sleep out of my eyes but I caved after a while and did it anyway.
It was becoming exhausting. I wanted nothing more than to be away from everyone and to let the fake attitude drop but the thought of Patrick and Andrew getting involved kept me planted on the couch.
Andrew had been watching me closely since that day. He was waiting for the next breakdown at this point as if it were right around the corner.
Patrick on the other hand looked at me as if I had hung the stars at this point. He looked at me like I could do no wrong and it was just a reminder that the second he finds out the extent of what I do, he's going to leave before I can turn around to beg him to stay.
"You look tense," Andrew said after a while.
"Okay," I said but it came out more like a question as I raised an eyebrow at him.
"So let me rub you," he said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. I didn't have to force the smirk that crept onto my face this time.
"I would like nothing more than for you to rub me," I said but judging by the smile on his face, Andrew didn't understand the naughty undertone of his sentence and it wasn't until I looked his body up and down did a blush take over his face.
"That's not what I meant," he said as he slapped my arm harshly before scoffing.
"Well excuse me for having a dirty mind when someone as sexy as you says something like that," I teased as my eyes slide over to Patrick. The second he saw me looking he became suspicious of my next words. "Do you happen to have a better offer?"
"Absolutely not," he said as he tried to hide his own blush.
The smirk fell from my face all to quickly and the numbness I had gotten used to over the past few days returned.
"So are you going to let me or not," Andrew asked after a few minutes.
"Only if you carry me to the bedroom," I said. I was honestly so tired. If Andrew was going to insist on messaging me I knew I was either going to go to sleep or get horny so at least I'd already be in bed either way.
"With what muscles do you expect me to carry you with," he asked albeit rudely but a smile covered his face anyway. An unexpected laugh tore through me at that but it died in my throat quickly when Patrick threw me over his shoulder and began walking to the bedroom.
"Well damn isn't this a good view," I said as I stared down at his ass
"Don't say things like that," Patrick said harshly as his hand came up to slam down on my ass.
I couldn't help but smirk as I forced out a loud moan.
"Do it harder next time." I could tell he rolled his eyes before he lowered me down onto the bed.
I crawled to my normal place in the center of the bed and rolled onto my stomach. The second my head hit the pillow, a massage was the last thing on my mind and all I wanted was to fall asleep.
Andrew planted his ass on the small of my back before his fingers began digging into my back Admittedly it did feel pretty and for the sake of teasing, I let out a few deep moans as I pushed my back into the growing bulge on Andrew's front.
"You can never make things easy can you?"
"Not if I can help it," I mumbled out as I let me eyes close. Sleep nagged at me and teasing didn't seem to matter anymore.
Soon enough I feel asleep but I wasn't blessed with darkness. Nightmares filled my sleep, screams pierced my ears, blood stained my hands a deep red, guilt cut me deep like a knife.
I woke up with a racing heart and adrenaline pounding through my body.
You're a monster Jem, Crain's voice had yelled. My anger surged as I forced the knife into his stomach just as a gasp came from behind me.
I turned to see Andrew and Patrick staring at me with wide eyes. They both turned to run from the basement and as I went follow them but Crain laughed from behind me.
You're a monster Jem, he repeated. No one loves a monster. No one loves you. How could they when they know you'll kill them too some day?
I wouldn't kill them, I had seethed but he only laughed again.
Who cares who deals the final blow, you or the men trying to get to you? You dragged them into this so no matter who does it, they're last dying thought will be about how you killed them.
The anger was back and I woke up to him laughing as I beat him to death.
I knew it was only a dream but it was right.
I already liked them. They were funny, and considerate, and they cared if I wasn't taking care of myself. Before now I could only count on Dev and Barrett to act like that but now that they were here, while it was exhausting it was welcomed. It was nice to know other people cared.
I could see myself more than just liking them one day and the thought of either of them leaving for someone else got under my skin more than I liked to admit.
No one loves a monster Jem. No one loves you.
Those words hurt more than any bullet I had ever been shot with or than any knife I had been cut with because they were true and I knew it.
I forced myself to remember that I don't do boyfriends.
It hurts less when fuck buddies run away.
I didn't need a boyfriend. I didn't need two. I needed to remember my place.
I was monster. And monsters don't get love. It's time I remembered that.
Don't get your hopes up, don't let them get to close, never let them see you weakest or they'll get attached, never let them see you at your strongest or you'll scare them.
You're a monster Jem. You don't get love. You don't deserve it and even if you did who would love broken thing like you?
You don't do boyfriends, it hurts too much when they run away.
Last updated Febuary 3, 2022