((Author's Note: Hey everyone! I'm sorry again for the delay. Finishing up A Place To Escape has been extremely difficult because it's honestly my baby and super hard to let it go while also working hard to make it perfect.
I wasn't going to post this chapter until chapter 14 was closer to being done. And I would say I have maybe half of 14 done but I simply can't wait anymore.
Maybe hearing your thoughts on 13 will be the push I need. My brain has kinda been telling me there isn't anyone else who cares about the ending of this fic lol
Anyhow, I want to apologize in advance for this chapter and once again remind everyone that THERE WILL BE A HAPPY ENDING!
Also chapters 6-12 have been re-uploaded because they've been re-worked, re-edited, re- written. Everything is more or less the same. Chapters 1-12 are just better now.
Might also benefit from reading about more happier times between Kylo and Evangeline after this chapter.
Please don't hate me for this chapter. Buttt if it makes you cry you must tell me.
LOVE YOU ALL!))
A Place To Escape: Chapter 13 (The Will To Live)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Kylo's life force fades, she feels it.
It brings pain—unbearably sharp and twisting in her chest.
She falls to her knees and her Paradise Girls reach for her. Their mouths move, asking her what's wrong, but Evangeline hears nothing.
There is no song, no melody, no rhythm, no sound.
Without him, there is only silence–a silence that stretches out endlessly before her.
He is gone. Dead.
Processing the word worsens the anguish.
Her head tilts back as she howls. The sound is broken and mournful while tears roll down her face.
The pain is too great for her body to handle.
Her bones seem to shatter and turn to dust under her skin.
No longer able to hold herself up, she sinks down to the floor.
Daliah and Faye run off for help, presumably to find the knights.
They leave Elsie, Catana, Devika, and Tegan to try and pull Evangeline from the floor, but her body sags.
Thick tears pour from her eyes as her frame convulses.
Evangeline feels paralyzed as a single word tramples its way through her.
Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
She screams until her throat turns raw and the world around her falls away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Evangeline awakens to the sound of a voice that softly calls her name. She feels a hand in hers. It gently squeezes, coaxing her back to reality.
Her eyes flutter open to find Elsie's concerned face staring back at her. Evangeline opens her mouth to speak but coughs from the irritation of her throat.
It takes her a moment, but finally, she asks, "Sweetling, what's happened?"
Elsie speaks tentatively, as if afraid the words would break Evangeline all over again, "You were screaming in pain, Mistress. You fell to the floor and passed out. Daddy Vicrul had to carry you up here."
The words cause her memory to flood back to her.
Tears reform in her eyes and start to fall once more.
Elsie shushes her, attempting to soothe her while begging Evangeline to not cry.
But it's too late. She already remembers.
Kylo is dead.
Without warning, heavy footsteps burst into the room. Both women turn their heads to find all six Knights of Ren.
The group is led by Trudgen and Ushar, who are using all of their strength to hold Vicrul back.
The blond warrior struggles in their grasp. He looks like a wild animal, ready to strike.
Evangeline sits up in alarm. She had only ever seen Vicrul like this if Elsie was in danger.
"WHY! Why would you say that?" he demands with his teeth bared.
"V-Vicrul, I'm sorry," Evangeline chokes on her words.
"You're a liar! Kylo is not dead!"
Vicrul's anger is palpable but it does not nearly match his anguish.
It breaks her. Makes her wish even more so that this wasn't the reality they're living in.
The one where Kylo is gone.
"STOP SAYING THAT! Don't you dare say that!" Vicrul shouts and goes in for a lunge.
Evangeline flinches, expecting the worst, but Trudgen steps in the way.
"Enough! You would hurt your brother's mate?" Trudgen's words cease Vicrul's movements. "Kylo named her his Queen, or have you forgotten?" he growls in the blond's face before stepping back to address the rest of the knights.
"That makes her Lady Ren. We protect her the same way we would Kylo."
Vicrul hangs his head in shame and backs away.
Ap'lek speaks up, pleading with her. "Please, Lady Ren. Tell us what has happened?"
Six men stare at her expectantly. The emotions on their faces range from confusion to dread.
Evangeline knows that they are all connected to Kylo through the Force—knows that deep down, they already know the truth.
They just aren't willing to accept it.
Cardo steps toward the bed. His shining hazel eyes are filled with tears. "Where is Master Kylo?"
It's the crack in Cardo's voice that chokes Evangeline up. She steels herself against her emotions, knowing she needs to be brave for them.
"I...I don't know. I just know he's gone....I—"
"That can't be true!" Vicrul cuts her off, his anger replaced with tears.
This time, when Vicrul moves toward her, none of the other knights stop him. He falls to his knees beside Evangeline's bed and openly weeps. "My brother is not dead!"
He chokes on his words, unable to say more. Evangeline scoots forward until she sits before him on the edge of the bed.
The moment she's close enough, Vicrul takes a hold of her calves and presses his face into her lap. His body trembles with sobs as he pleads with her, "My brother cannot be dead. Evangeline, please! Please say our brother isn't dead."
Arms come around the fallen warrior at her feet. Evangeline remains silent because she knows nothing she says will soften the blow of reality.
Her silence speaks volumes, leaving the Knights of Ren with nothing left to do but mourn.
Some stay quiet and others shed tears, and together, Evangeline mourns with the men who had just lost their brother.
She isn't sure how much time passes, but she holds Vicrul until he's strong enough to stand on his own two feet.
Steely blue eyes meet bright green. Where Evangeline expects to find acceptance or sorrow, she sees determination.
"We will find him," he says loud enough for the others to hear, "For you and for us. I swear to you. We will find Kylo and bring him home."
All Evangeline can do is nod. She doesn't have the heart to tell them there is no point. And yet...she is also not willing to give up hope that perhaps they may find him.
And with that, the Knights of Ren leave Paradise House for the very last time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's funny how time passes when mourning.
Or...waiting to mourn.
That's the strange limbo Evangeline finds herself in.
Every molecule of her being tells her that Kylo is gone, but she can't stop herself from clinging to the sliver of hope that the knights will return with him.
She plays the scenario of their return so many different ways. Sometimes, they return carrying their wounded brother on their backs. Wounded, but alive. Other times, Kylo walks off their ship totally unharmed and runs to her the moment he catches sight of her.
The only thing that remains constant in these fantasies is that he is still breathing.
That hope is what stops her from fully accepting Kylo's death.
She daydreams and ignores the weight she gains or the constant hunger she feels that is followed by morning sickness and the fact that she can't remember the last time she bled from her monthly cycle.
She ignores it all and keeps herself locked away.
Most of her days are spent laying amongst the things Kylo had left behind. She hasn't moved them, preferring to wrap herself in his cloak while sleeping or to cry into a pair of his gloves as she tries to pretend it's his hand against her face.
Outside her room, days turn into nights as the planet spins on its axis. Life continues on without her and she doesn't care one bit.
What goes on outside doesn't matter, because in here, surrounded by Kylo's belongings, she can pretend he is coming home.
The only contact Evangeline has with the outside world is through her Paradise Girls. They visit her daily for one thing or another. Usually, it's to try and coax her out of bed or bring her food.
She doesn't mind that they visit, especially when the voices in her head get a little too loud.
Although, if she's honest, she prefers when Elise, Faye, or Catana visit, because when they do, they focus only on the basics.
Getting her to eat, shower, or occasionally sit outside on the balcony.
Daliah, Devika, and Teagan are an altogether different story.
They ask too many questions and try to force her to face the reality of her predicament.
"Evangeline, please. I know you're in pain but you are running out of time to decide if you want to keep it or not." Daliah pleads with her for what seems like the hundredth time.
She keeps her knees tucked to her chest, unwilling to let Daliah see her belly. "I don't know what you're talking about. Everything is fine. Kylo will be home soon."
The white-haired beauty sighs and forcibly grips Evangeline's hand in hers. "You know I will support you whatever you decide, but please, you can't keep ignoring this and you can't keep hiding away from the world."
Like hell, she can't.
However, there is one thing Evangeline cannot keep ignoring.
It's the circulating rumors surrounding the disappearance of Kylo Ren.
Word of the downfall of the First Order spreads across the galaxy like wildfire.
With their leaders gone and most of their armed forces destroyed, there is no one left to carry on their reign of galactic domination.
The Resistance and their supporters rejoice in the hope of restoring democracy to the galaxy.
All the while, the media paints Kylo as a monster and broadcasts that he led the charge against the Resistance and was defeated by the Jedi.
But Evangeline knows the truth. Kylo had gone there to stop Palpatine and help Rey.
She can't help but wonder where Rey is and why she isn't setting the record straight.
Kylo deserved to have his story told!
His real story.
For someone who claimed they "knew" Ben and wanted to fight alongside him, Rey was doing nothing to help redeem his name.
Unless...they had left the battlefield together?
The thought wrenches at her gut and knocks the air from her lungs.
Every time it crosses her mind, Evangeline tears through Kylo's journals and repeatedly rereads his last entry.
She's wept over it so many times that by now, the pages are stained with tears.
Dear Little Bird,
I know that you will most likely find this long after I've left, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I can't face you to say these words myself. I know if I tried I would never leave you again. But I have to. As much as it pains me to, I have to leave–have to do what is right. For the first time, I think I know what that is.
But I have you to thank for that. My Little Bird.
Though, you're more like a firebird, aren't you? A beacon of light that warms everyone you come in contact with. I know now that you are the reason I am able to stand here—capable of making this choice for myself. I have decided that I must put an end to this. Palpatine needs to be stopped and Rey can't do it alone. Please do not see this as abandonment, because I swear to come home when the fighting is done.
You have...changed everything, Little Bird. From the very first night, when you looked at me as nothing more than an ordinary man, to this very moment that I sit here writing this—you have changed it all.
I can't begin to repay you for everything you've given me, but the things I've left will have to suffice for now.
If there is a chance we lose...Or am unable to make it home, promise me that you will continue to change the world around you. Fill it with your light in the same way you have me. You have overcome so much, and I pity those who will try and stand in your way.
I hope to see my Little Bird soon.
Forever yours, Kylo
Hers. He was hers.
No matter how many times Evangeline reads the words, it brings her comfort.
Of course, she doesn't just read this journal entry. In fact, she reads them all. Every single word Kylo has ever written. It gives her insight into the stages of his life that she was not a part of.
Her heart breaks for the boy he was. The one who wrote about his conflicting feelings and guilt about not being a good enough son. She studies the drastic changes in his writing styles. How he transforms from an insecure preteen to a rage-fueled young man and finally into the man she had met. The man who had felt nothing but numbness.
One thing that remains constant is the overwhelming sense of urgency. Even as a young boy, he wrote like he was running out of time. As if he was always ten steps behind from where he ought to be.
Never once did he allow himself a reprieve. Except, it seems, the few times he had written about Paradise House.
It was clear he kept journals less often as an adult. Even less so as their relationship blossomed. But early on? Early on Kylo had written a few short words describing his confusion for his unquenchable hunger to return to her and how that went hand-in-hand with the comfort he found in her presence.
She even finds a scribbled-out list of possible gifts for her that he must have made before deciding on the bird-charmed necklace.
It's all evidence that he loved her. Evidence that would sustain her from now until the grave.
Even if he never returned.
"Mistress! They're back!"
Catana's voice breaks Evangeline from her musings. The younger, tanned-skin girl comes to help her to her feet. Her body aches more frequently now, not used to carrying this heavier load.
Her heartbeat sounds like thunder as Evangeline makes her way toward the door of her living room, where Daliah grabs hold of her, blocking her from entering.
"Evangeline, please listen—"
Evangeline shakes her off, determined to see if Kylo is with them.
But six men turn to face her when she enters the room.
Only six.
The floor beneath her feels as if it quakes but she quickly realizes it's her knees, buckling under the tide of reality.
No more fantasies about his return. No more hope.
The Knights of Ren stare at her, maskless but dressed in their armor, their eyes filled with questions that none of them dare ask.
"My lady? Are you?" Except for Ushar, who is promptly elbowed in the side by Trudgen.
But Evangeline is fixed on attempting to meet Vicrul's gaze. An attempt failed by the fact that his bluish-grey eyes are glued to her stomach.
"What's happened? Tell me what you found."
Vicrul flinches at Evangeline's voice, eyes snapping up to her face. His eyes are glassy, as if it pains him to look at her.
"Perhaps we should all sit down?" Daliah speaks up. Voices of both the knights and the Paradise Girls overlap to agree with her.
Sitting down is the last thing she wants to do. What she wants is the truth! What she wants is to stop living in this ridiculous dream world and finally fucking mourn him.
Evangeline shouts over them all, "Will one of you just say it!"
The knights remain silent, none of them able to bring themselves to reveal the truth.
Sensing his brothers' inability to speak, Kuruk steps forward, ready to take the brunt of her reaction. "We couldn't find him, my Lady."
Hearing the truth brings on a strange sense of relief.
Relief that she no longer has to live immobile—no longer has to wait for Kylo to sweep back in through the door and save her.
She can simply mourn and remember him.
Evangeline feels tears roll down her cheeks and she sees their regret and suffering.
She knows this pain is not hers alone. It feels selfish to act as if she was the only one who loved Kylo.
She smiles numbly at them and offers them reassurance. "You tried your best. Thank you. I'm not sure if you all have a place to go but...You are all welcome to stay here at Paradise House."
The knights nod, muttering their thanks although they do not feel deserving of such a gift. In the months they had been gone, Evangeline's stomach had grown heavy, but the knights say nothing. They know their words cannot heal her loneliness.
On the outside, the Knights of Ren stand silent, but through their force bond, they come to a unified collective.
Their leader and brother might be gone, but his imprint remains. It grows inside the woman standing before them.
The choice is so clear to them that not a single one hesitates to bend on one knee. They bow their heads in respect, with their weapons at their feet.
"Boys?" Evangeline is bewildered by their actions.
Vicrul is the first to look up at her. "Kylo would want us to protect what is his." He tries his best to conceal the emotion in his voice, but she catches a glimpse of the tears in the corner of his eyes. "Kylo would want us to protect his family."
On instinct, Evangeline's hand goes to her stomach. She tries to speak but that only aids the flow of tears.
"We are yours, Lady Ren. If you'll have us." At Vicrul's last words, the rest of the men lift their heads.
Staring back at her, she sees nothing but loyalty. Evangeline walks toward them and gets on her knees—her arms outstretched, hands trying to reach each and every one of them. They move forward to accept her embrace.
"My knights," she whispers, her throat raspy from her tears. "Welcome home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few hours later, having sent the knights and her girls off to enjoy their reunions, Evangeline finds herself alone once more.
With nothing but her thoughts and the things Kylo left for her.
She puts on one of his long-sleeved black shirts. It still smells like him. At first, it comforts her, but tears come forth once again.
Evangeline doesn't want to spend another night crying while clutching Kylo's journal to her chest. She starts to pace the length of her room, trying to give her brain something else to focus on.
Anything would do, as long as it wasn't this hole in her chest that gaped open to reveal the most vulnerable part of her—her desecrated heart.
Because that was all that was left under her muscles, tendons, and bones—a hollowed-out, desecrated tomb.
She starts to play out the words from Kylo's last journal entry. It had always comforted her before but now it only panics her.
"Promise me that you will continue to change the world around you."
That's what Kylo had written. The fates had granted her what Kylo had always longed for—more time.
But what could she do with the time that he deserved?
Her breath accelerates, and suddenly she's tearing out of her room and then out the doors of Paradise House. She doesn't know where she's going; she just needs to find enough air to fill her lungs.
She couldn't let him down. Kylo's story deserved to be told. His life had meaning—meaning to her, to his knights, and to his parents.
He was by no means perfect. He had made mistakes, had put his faith in the wrong person, and had killed many under the manipulating hand of his Master.
But Kylo Ren was no monster. Especially not here.
Here—he had been a man trying to escape from himself.
Here—he had been hers.
In a dazed state, Evangeline wanders the streets of Cefalù.
The city and its people sleep soundly, nestled under the light of the moon.
Nothing but the sounds of night fill the air.
Crickets chirp, the wind whistles through the trees, mothers hum lullabies, and people bid one another goodnight, shut their doors, and turn out the lights.
It's peaceful.
Sadly, Evangeline's thoughts are anything but. Her mind still swirls in confused loops.
What could she do to ensure that Kylo's legacy lived on?
She needs others—no, the entire galaxy to know the true meaning of his life.
Kylo wasn't the villain the galactic media was making him out to be.
He was so much more than that.
At his core, Kylo Ren was just a lost boy trying to find a home.
The darkness, along with his rage and feelings of betrayal from his family, had polluted all of that. This had given Snoke all he needed to exploit Kylo's pain and turn him into a soldier.
But Evangeline saw him.
Saw him and loved him.
And now it was her duty to help others see that too.
He had left her an abundance of credits, more than she knew what to do with, but whatever she did—she would do it in his name.
No more crying. No more wasting time.
She would put her time to good use.
Time that could have been Kylo's.
First, she would put funding into the sex workers' client database. It had always been her plan to expand so that other pleasure houses could also have access. In doing so, she would be ensuring the safety of sex workers that are not in her care.
She would use the database as a platform to speak out about sexual assault. Not just on behalf of herself, but others as well.
The voices of all those who had encountered sexual violence would be heard.
However, Evangeline wouldn't stop there.
Because Kylo's voice also deserved to be heard.
Perhaps she could take some of his journal entries, as well as some of her own, and write their story.
Tell the story of how meeting him had done nothing but change her life for the better.
How this "masked creature" had set her free and helped her gain control of her future.
It didn't matter that no one else knew him in the way that she did.
Or that Rey remained silent against the lies being told about him.
No. None of it matters because Evangeline would be the one to tell Kylo's true story.
The night wind blows, chilling her and pulling her focus to take in her surroundings. She's in her garden.
Had she really walked this far and with no wherewithal?
It's here in her garden that Evangeline feels Kylo everywhere. The energy he's left behind radiates through even the tiniest blade of grass.
She sinks down to her knees as fresh tears escape from her eyes and travel down a familiar path on her face.
What is left without him?
She has nothing. Nothing but her tears.
When the knights were searching the galaxy, hope had been the only lifeline tying her to this world, but now she doesn't even have that.
She can't go on without him. The pain is too sharp—a dagger at her throat, pressing in slowly and threatening to rip into her skin.
Evangeline is familiar with pain, but never like this.
She wouldn't survive this. Not this time.
Truthfully, she isn't even sure she wants to.
A heavy weight crushes down on her at that realization.
Could she continue to live in a universe where Kylo Ren does not exist? Does she want to?
The thought frightens her but also brings her a sense of peace.
If she died, then perhaps they would be reunited. Or at the very least, the agonizing pain would end.
Evangeline could fade away. Like falling to sleep in a warm bath and slipping under the water but never having to come up for air.
To simply cease to exist doesn't seem so bad.
She's so exhausted that an undisturbed rest actually sounds...peaceful.
Evangeline gasps at a sudden fluttering in her belly and her hands instinctively come up to touch her stomach. She looks down at her body.
She looks at the changes that have taken root. Changes that would continue to grow because of Kylo.
The sensation in her stomach returns, and a whimpering sound leaves her parted lips.
Evangeline realizes that the fluttering inside her is life.
The life that was created with the man she loves.
Evangeline isn't exactly sure when it happened. She guesses it was somewhere in between when she showed him her garden and the morning he asked her to be his Queen.
The when didn't truly matter. All that mattered was that it happened.
And even though Kylo was gone, he had left her with a spark.
A single spark, but somehow it's enough to keep her going.
Her arms wrap around herself protectively, cradling them in her embrace.
She isn't sure how she knows, but her son and daughter sleep soundly at their mother's resolve to live.
Yes, she would live for them and they would know the true story of their father.
Kylo Ren, The Supreme Leader, The Master of The Knights of Ren, Ben Solo—it didn't matter the name.
His children would know their father. Evangeline would see to that.
She looks toward the moon with a new sense of purpose and slowly rises to her feet. Her hands lovingly stroke her stomach.
A new path has revealed itself to her.
This road would not be easy. It would wind and dip and test her strength unlike anything had before, but the path of a mother was one she was ready to walk upon.
Yes, a mother.
And like her mother before her, she would love them, teach them, nurture them, and protect them.
With her mind made up, Evangeline turns to make her way back to Paradise House. A single thought echoes in her mind.
Here, safe within her garden is where she would finally build her home.
This is the spot where she would raise their children.