Chp57. "The forlorn times"
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Austin's point of view
I saw as she walked out on me, completely walked out on me. The way she took her time in closing the door to my room. I stopped breathing for a quick second only it seemed almost an eternity. God, I missed her already. So damn much.
I felt like a complete fraud. I let the only woman in my life down. I was losing my soul and I was losing control. I hated knowing how things can go from perfect to complete shit. All I wanted was her, and here I am standing as I see the woman who was making me so happy, walk out of my life. I was coming undone.
Turning my hands into fists the anger and sadness was consuming me. I hated myself more than anything at this moment. My anger was bottling up slowly and slowly before getting ready to explode.
I took one more look at the door, picturing Mia walking out on me as if I was nothing. And I guess I did deserve that. I couldn't stand it though, I wasn't having it. Not again.
I rushed to the door of my room and swinged it with all of my force completely open hoping that just maybe I wasn't too late, and that just maybe she had stopped and waited.
But she didn't. And in a way, she saved herself from me by walking out.
I took a few deep breaths as I stood still in the hallway of my bedroom. If I never felt death before I'm sure I'm close to feeling it now. Fuck, I really hated myself.
Eventually I had walked back to my room, shutting the door and locking it. I was defeated and feeling like a loser was an understatement. I looked around for my phone until I found it on my bed.
I took no time in calling Mia, before I knowing I was going to hesitate and not go with it. The call didn't go through, I tried more than ten times at least but I had no luck. There was no possible way she could have changed her number this quick. I assumed she had blocked my number by now which I don't blame her for considering I'd be calling nonstop.
Yeah this was fucking great.
Hating the scent of the food I had brought for her and I, I walked on over to it, picked up the tray and threw it across the room, watching as the food scattered everywhere in a matter of seconds.
The tray hit the wall making a loud noise, loud enough to make someone come to my room and ask what was wrong, but no one did.
I quickly walked towards my bed and flopped down on it, inhaling the sheets hoping it still had her smell because I knew that way was the only way I could feel hear near me, or at least say a proper goodbye. But like always there was nothing there but my shit sorrows.
It was bad, really bad. Bad enough that I had started to miss both my parents. And mostly my father which only made me think of Mia and what I had done. I could've said something but I was being a coward.
And later that night was the first night I had ended up sort of crying myself to sleep, and in the back of my mind I could only picture my father telling me how real men don't cry. Like the one time he was teaching me how to play baseball and I had fallen and scraped my knee. He came over to me, gave me a pat on the back and told me to pick myself up cause real men don't cry. And I did.
But because of this, I wasn't a real men so it was an exception. Fuck that.
This was where I was getting at... the forlorn times.
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The next morning I woke up with the worst headache of my life, it wasn't your normal everyday headache. It was more like some shit I had never experienced, not even hangovers.
"You alright Mahone?" Dave surprised me once I had walked into the kitchen. He was making his daily bitter black coffee and I cringed at the thought.
"Fine. Why?" I replied bluntly.
He paused and turned himself around to take in a full look at me before shaking his head and turning back around to pour his coffee in a mug.
"Nothing," he said "I was just... asking."
I ignored his statement and went on to open the fridge pulling out some orange juice, I didn't bother looking for a glass and quickly twisted open the top and took a swing of the orange juice.
That didn't last long though, cause it ended up tasting like pure bleach. And I've never tried bleach but I imagined that was how it tasted. I spit whatever juice was left in my mouth into the sink, shoving Dave to the side along the way.
I turned on the sink water on and quickly rinsed my mouth from the taste, throwing the semi full gallon of orange juice into the trash.
"Yeah... throw it away since you're the one in charge of the groceries." said Dave sarcastically, walking over to the trash and picking up the orange juice to place it back into the fridge.
I leaned against the counter and ran a hand through my face still dealing with this fucking headache. "Hey Dave, let me get some of that coffee."
He looked at me for a second with furrows eyebrows before taking a sip of his coffee not realizing it was still steaming hot and burning his tongue with it.
"Fucking shit!" he screamed spitting the rest of the coffee that was in his mouth onto the sink, cleaning his tongue afterwards.
As funny as that was, it wasn't enough to even lift up my mood even just a little.
"Damn," he exaggerated loudly. "That was the hottest thing I've ever tasted." he chuckled.
"That's the only hot thing you'll ever gonna be tasting." I lightly laughed making a small friendly sex joke, however that only made Dave glare at me.
"Alright Mahone, I never did shit to you for you to want to act like a little bitch this morning, so don't take it out on me alright?"
I ignored.
Grabbing his cup of coffee he walked out mumbling a- rude ass asshole still wants to have some of my coffee, hm. Then scoffing telling me to help myself to the rest.
"Oh and just so you know, whatever you're sad about, fix it." Dave mentioned as well before leaving.
"How do you known I'm even sad? I'm not fucking sad, stop making up shit. I'm not in the mood."
"You don't get the normal kind of mad, you get the wild actions kind of mad. So you being in this type of 'mad' isn't you really being mad." he said quoting the word. "You're either upset or thinking about some dumb shit. And we all know that rarely happens so we go back to option A."
I held back from snapping due to the fact that I don't want to give him the satisfaction of him knowing.
"Either way, fix your shit. Riley is coming back in 3 days."
Hearing his name ring through my ears I had lost my appetite already. Shit was going back to the usual in a matter of days and I wasn't sure I was too fond of that.
Something seemed off though, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't even have a few more seconds to process any of this since the second worst part of my day had walked in right after Dave.
"Who spit on your coffee?" Cora said.
I sighed knowing things were only about to get worse for me.
"What?" she had asked once she saw that I wasn't actually replying to her slight comment. "Cat's got your tongue or something? Is there a reason you can't even talk."
"--Who said I couldn't? I'm talking aren't I."
"Oh I see..." she nodded like she was having some information that I was lacking of. She walked past me into the fridge and pulled out a bottled water, leaning back against the fridge and taking a sip.
I waited for her to continue on what she was referring to but I didn't get that. Instead she only gave my one last look and began to make her way out once again putting the water bottle down and not even taking it with her.
I wasn't having that though, that look she had given me was something and I needed to know.
"Oh so you're just going to walk out on me like that?" I asked, feeling my tone in voice become a little harsher. I was beginning to get both angry and annoyed.
She paused and turned her head back at me. "Like what?" Cora questioned.
"What do you mean like what?" I snapped already angered. "You gave me that look and aren't even gonna say shit on why? Am I missing something?"
This time Cora had already turned back around completely, walking towards me as she got in my face. I looked back at her, she was intimidating alright but I wasn't scared.
She eyed me and looked for an expression on my face though I tried my best to hide one.
I was mad but it was slowly beginning to fade once having her in my face like this. I haven't had a girl this close to me besides Mia and it only reminded me of her and made me miss her even more.
Staring at Cora wasn't bad, she was a stunning girl but in my eyes it was absolutely nothing compared nothing to Mia. My Mia.
I backed away feeling my eyes beginning to get glossy, yeah I wasn't in my best state right now but I wasn't going to be a sissy and cry. Especially in front of Cora, god knows I wouldn't hear the end of it.
"You aren't missing anything." she finally replied to my question after a few minutes, bringing my attention back to her and the main focus.
I waited. Cora still didn't go on to talk and I knew deep inside me soon enough it was going to really bug me.
Rolling her eyes, her expression changed into a real look of annoyance. "What? I can't even look at you now? We live in the same house for fucks sake, stop acting like a little bitch."
"--We have the same job and we have to communicate and see each other either way. I don't care for your problems but don't throw your fucking fits at me. If everything bothers you so much you can always pack your shit, leave and call it a day. I'm sure Riley wouldn't have a problem looking for your replacement, I'll even help."
"Riley wouldn't be shit without me and you know it." I spit back in her face. And I wasn't lying, everything he got-- everything we have, is all because of me."
I know I always say conceited things but this one was something I truly did mean. If it wasn't for me getting into this shit, he wouldn't be where he is today. Fuck... I wouldn't be where I am today.
I was already having a heachache and it wasn't even ten in the morning yet. I rubbed my temples groaning and leaning back against the counter, how could someone fuck you up so bad.
It didn't take much long to really make myself seem like a fucking idiot in that second, whatever happened with Stella is happening now once again with me. Only this time, I was at fault. Truth was, she could never be at fault, everything to her happened because of me.
I could've easily prevented all of this, but I didn't know her at all. How was I supposed to know I was going to end up in this position that I am in now.
I really need a drink and something strong for sure.
Maybe it was right that she had left, as much as it hurt me and made me want to rip in half every little thing in my way, maybe just maybe that was for the best. To save herself from me. And in all honesty I would've done the same. She's a wise girl.
I looked back up at a pissed Cora standing in my way. "What do you want?" I asked not really feeling this whole argument or whatever the hell it was anymore.
"I want an apology." She said.
"An apology?" I asked actually wondering if she was being serious.
"Yes, an apology."
I scoffed shaking my head and crossing my arms against my chest as I looked down at my feet. She was losing her shit that's for sure. "Baby you're not getting an apology okay? Now really, I'm not in the mood for this arguing shit anymore."
She nodded understandably and stepped to the side and out of my way. I was almost surprised she had given in that easily since knowing her, it wouldn't stop but go back and forth. We were like brother and sister.
I ran a hand through my hair to smooth it out and decided to do something else, somewhere away from people. I really needed to calm myself down. But my admirable surprise from Cora was soon gone when all she had to do was open her mouth to speak.
"Don't call me baby though, yeah? Save that for your little pet. Or did she get lost again?" Cora's voice ringed in my ears, bringing fury to me. I almost felt the blood pumping in my veins, I snapped my neck back and made my way towards her in a hurtle manner, like a bull ready to attack.
Once reaching Cora, the anger in me only had gotten worse in a matter of seconds. I grabbed her arms hardly and quickly jolted her against the nearest wall, receiving a whimper from her.
I slid my hands from her arms to her wrist and made sure to have a tight grip on her, it was one thing for her to insult me, another to insult my girl.
And I don't give a single fuck if she wasn't technically mine, as possessive as I sound she was still my girl. I'd be damned if I let bad mouthing about her pass me.
Still holding her wrists I slid them upwards above her head and held them there. I was fucking fuming with anger, at this point I could do anything and not regret it.
"Let go of me you fucking asshole." Cora growled angrily moving her hands hoping to untwist them but failing miserably. "Let go or I'll fucking use my knee somewhere you'll regret." she warned.
I didn't give a shit, she was about to swallow her own words back.
"Take back what you said." I tightened the grip on her wrists bringing my body even closer to her that if I had moved just an inch, we'd be touching.
Her dark brown eyes held nothing but ice cold anger. They were vacant. I suppose that was how mines looked at some point.
"Take it fucking back. Now!" Raising my voice she still kept her mouth shut and it amazed me how she can't ever yet today she decided to. And this only pissed me off more.
"Cora. I swear, fucking take that shit back before you make me do something both you and I will regret." Threatning her, both she and I knew I wasn't joking when I had said that.
Cora shook her head and scoffed before chuckling to herself, she avoided my eyes and looked down at the floor before tilting her head to the side and grinning widely at me. "What are you gonna do? Hit me or hurt me? Hm? Is that it? Are you that low of a man to hit a woman... you're fucking pathetic if you think that's actually going to scare me."
"--Like putting your hand on me will make you feel so in power because simply you can't accept the fact that your shitty ass life is currently falling apart and you can't do anything about it but to sit back and watch. Not even the fragile insecure little girl wants you, but by all means Austin... if this will make you feel better, go ahead. Hit me. I dare you."
My heart was aching and each one of her words was hitting me like bullets straight to the heart. It felt like the pain was just enjoying feeling itself off of me. I couldn't handle my own things in life anymore, Cora was right and that made me feel slightly depressed and more angered.
I couldn't even keep the one person who loved me around, what else would I be able to even keep. I always thought I felt immortal on some really idiotic thing, but the worst part of being immortal was that just when you no longer wanted to breathe... you were still forced to. It was bitter and I was bitter too.
Cora continued going on about how fucking of a low life I was becoming and even though I couldn't really pay attention due to being in my own world, I would've probably agreed with her.
I stopped and shut off my brain for a second I needed to breathe, I still had my grip on her and it was no longer tight but she didn't move. She kept there, rumbling.
That was when I looked at her and realized her and I weren't that different. And I thought of Mia and it hurt. It really fucking hurt. I didn't want to think of her anymore.
Though Cora continued, I was done. Without thinking I just wanted Mia to get out of my head, I eliminated the space between Cora and I and let her wrist free as I brought down my arm and wrapped it around her lower back, pushing her even closer to me.
Her eyebrows furrowed in confusion but before she could even say a thing, I took my own lips and connected them with her, crashing them unexpectedly, closing my eyes shut hoping to erase Mia from all of me... even her taste. I wanted her gone.
I brought my other hand to Cora's back and this time lowered it to her ass, squeezing it before I knew she was going to push me away. But she didn't...
Instead she had kissed me back.
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