"we're going to ride our bikes today," Bella said with a proud smile. "do you wanna come watch?"
"what, you wouldn't let me try?" I asked, pretending like I would ever do something like that.
she rolled her eyes. "no, we wouldn't. are you coming or not?"
I shrugged and went to my room for my phone, then followed her out to her car.
on our way there, she eyed me up and down a few times without a word.
finally, I had to say something.
"what?" I snapped, much meaner than I meant to be.
she looked uncomfortable. "jeez," she grumbled, looking back at the road. "why are you so fucking... angry all the time?"
I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands. I was wearing my favorite dark red cardigan. I pulled the cozy sleeves over my palms. "sorry," I mumbled.
she looked at me again, and from the corner of my eye, I could see her biting her lip. "no, I'm sorry."
there was a long stretch of silence before she continued. "everyone's worried about you. I heard mom and dad arguing over the phone about locking you up again."
my eyebrows pulled together angrily and I squinted at her. "are you kidding me?"
"what, are you surprised?" she said, scoffing.
"ugh," I groaned, leaning my head back against the head rest. "it's a waste of time."
"what you're doing now isn't wasting time?" she asked like a smart ass.
"can we just have a normal, good day?" I asked, getting pissed off.
"fine," she said quietly, staring at the road like an insane person in a Kubrick movie.
Jake already had the motorcycles loaded into the bed of his truck. I had to ride in the bed because there were only two seats in the car. he laid a heavy tarp over them and said we wouldn't be driving far, which was true.
on our way to the dirt road, we passed by some large cliffs at la push where some of the boys were cliff diving. Bella totally freaked out for no reason, thinking that they were doing some weird suicide ritual or something. I could hear her even though their windows were closed. she's such a spazz.
I thought it looked nice. I daydreamed about taking every medication I could get my hands on, diving from the top and sinking to the bottom. I would turn into a mermaid and never come home. I would live with the fish and other mermaids and live a fulfilling life until my time comes. either that, or I would die.
in time, Jake stopped at a dirt road and got out to unload the motorcycles. he did so with hardly any struggle at all. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't even push one of the motorcycles toward him from the bed.
he gave us a demonstration of how to properly ride a motorcycle. he looked like a natural. it was kind of sexy.
when it was Bella's turn, she enthusiastically hopped on the bike.
"are you gonna try it next?" he asked me with a grin. she shook her head at him and I shrugged.
he told her how each handle worked. this is the gas, this is the break, etc. simple stuff.
she fucked it up. she went way too fast, hit a rock, and fell off the bike. I don't know what he was thinking- she's one of the clumsiest people anybody knows.
I stood up in the bed and hopped over the side. Jacob rode his bike over to her and knelt on the ground next to her. even if I ran, I would've gotten to them just as they made it back to the truck.
she had a little red dent in her head where the blood came out. she was okay but it definitely needed stitches.
we spent a couple of hours in the ER waiting for a doctor to stitch her up. Jake and I spent some time playing tic tac toe and hangman. we got bored of that and just watched the cooking show on the TV.
"your birthday's coming up," Jacob said with a little smile. "17, right?"
I nodded. "dancing queen, young and sweet."
"shut up," he laughed. "that was so corny. are you doing anything fun?"
with a shrug, I said, "I don't know, I don't think so."
"do you wanna come over?" he asked.
I looked at him like he wasn't being serious.
"what?" he pressed ignorantly.
"you're just saying that to be nice," I said quietly, almost a whisper. I felt stupid and embarrassed.
"you really think that?" he asked, surprised.
"I don't know. sorry, I have to go to the bathroom," I said, standing and walking away before the conversation could continue any further.
I hid in the bathroom for nearly ten minutes. I lost track of time running a finger up and down one arm, then the other. my chest felt a little weird. my mouth was dry. it was hard to stand up, and when I did, my vision faded and pressure dropped from my head as if nothing was in there anymore. I stood there, blinking, and my vision came back momentarily. I washed my hands and walked back to the waiting room.
"you okay?" he asked, watching as I sat down next to him. whoosh, the pressure in my head was fluctuating.
I closed my eyes and nodded. my chest felt weird. i asked him if he could find some water. he got up and did just that.
I opened my eyes when I heard his footsteps approaching. he was holding a cold water bottle. he handed it to me and stood there in front of me, not making any motion to sit back down.
I slowly drank about half before handing it back to him. he just stood there.
"what?" I asked, confused.
he shook his head and sat back down. he actually looked a little angry. "you look terrible."
I felt shocked. a little numb. pissed off. deeply upset. I couldn't say anything.
"do you, like, have an eating disorder or something?" he pressed. I couldn't look at him as he continued, "Bella says you never eat and its clear that its true."
oh, I thought to myself, I thought he was implying that I looked fat. I felt a little relieved. it was nice to know people thought I looked sickly thin. that meant it was working.
"I eat," I mumbled, looking at my hands. I pulled my dark red sleeves over my hands. "I'm fine, really. I just lost some weight."
"some," he repeated, scoffing. "I shouldn't be able to see your bones through a sweater."
I frowned, and after a moment of silence, I got up and moved to sit across the room. I didn't want to talk about this. he stared me down and I ignored him until Bella came out and we left.
for my birthday, Bella and Jacob offered to take me to a movie. I let Jacob pick because I didn't really care what we saw. there was nothing good out at the time. I didn't really want to go, either. I was feeling lightheaded and my stomach was killing me. this wasn't anything unusual, though. nothing I couldn't sit through.
except I couldn't sit through it. not even halfway through the movie, I had to rush out of the theater and barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up water and stomach acid into the toilet. it was a terrible sensation. I hadn't eaten because my stomach hurt, and now my stomach hurt because I had nothing to throw up. I was dry heaving and gagging there, knees aching on the white tiles. my head and throat were burning, I felt hot and sweaty one moment, then I was shivering cold the next. Bella came in to check on me but I asked her to leave out of embarrassment.
finally, I was confident that I could stand up and ask to go home, so I did. Bella offered some rare comfort and wrapped an arm around me.
Jake helped walk me to the car, unafraid of a walking vomit-hazard. I would've been too squeamish to do the same. he sat in the back with me on the way home with one hand on my arm. I remember thinking that his touch was really hot and I wondered if my body temperature was just lower than normal. I leaned my head out of the window for the fresh air. my eyes were closed and I tried to stay calm and steady.
I spent the night on the bathroom floor with a pillow and blanket. Bella left some saltines and ginger ale by the bath tub. I hadn't consumed a full-sugar soda in years, but I indulged in a few sips. it was my birthday and I deserved some relief.
as soon as I felt well enough to go back to my own bed the next morning, it was Bellas turn to sleep on the bathroom floor. she was probably throwing up real food. I brought her a fresh, cold ginger ale in the afternoon like she had for me. she gave me a thumbs-up. I tried to sleep until the next day but it was hard.
at the end of the week, Jacob wasn't returning any texts or calls from myself nor Bella. it was strange. we cynically thought he might have died from the flu. Bella tried to visit him but billy had told her he had mono.