Here's this weekend's chapter a little early since I'll be gone all weekend and will be unable to write and upload over the weekend. So...enjoy!!!
Warning: It's a gut-wrencher. Please do VOTE, fan, like, and comment!!!
Love you all bunches!!! Thanks for reading and supporting Evening Star!!
PS I did a little editing before re-uploading this chapter since I can finally upload to fanfiction.net again. :)
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Chapter Twenty-Two: The Aftermath
As the bathroom lock clicked, seeming to echo throughout the suite, I stood in the center of the master bedroom, shocked into absolute stillness. I'm positive that my jaw was hanging agape. My arms were still held out in front of me, as if to embrace the girl who had been standing right before me and had now locked herself in the bathroom.
I heard a slipping sound, silk against wood, as if Bella had leaned her back against the other side of the door then slid down to sit on the bathroom floor. I thought I could hear the nearly silent path of tears down her beautiful face, and my anger burst into flames.
But this time, the anger was directed toward myself...and myself alone.
I knew that if I heard one stifled sob, I absolutely would lose my mind. So I turned on my heel, stalking across the living room and out the French doors onto the long balcony facing west, overlooking the Seattle skyline and port. Part of me wanted to slam the delicate doors behind me, shattering the glass and slivering the wood, but I restrained myself, closing the doors quietly behind me as I retreated to the far corner of the curved balcony, as far from the locked master bathroom as possible.
There I stood, only vaguely aware of the glittering city lights before me and the darkness of Seattle's harbor dotted only occasionally with lights from bobbing boats. It was a breathtaking scene as the sun rose, but I didn't see any of its beauty.
I was only conscious of a ripping feeling in my stone-cold chest, a tearing and a separating that brought low, agonized moans from my depths. If I had a soul, it would have been shredded. If I were human, I would either have been weeping uncontrollably or been dead already, for no human could survive the extent of the pain I was suffering at this moment. This agony rivaled the horrific feelings that had churned through me when I saw Bella, broken and bleeding, on the floor of the ballet studio, James bending over her fragile body.
At least in Phoenix I could blame someone besides myself—I could blame the sadistic vampire who had tracked Bella down and lured her away from my family; I could blame James and Victoria for playing their little games with us. Bella's suffering then was only partly my fault then.
But this morning I could blame no one but myself. And that fact burned into me deeply, the searing pain reminding me all too much of the agony of my transformation into this living death of vampire “life.”
In my shirt pocket my phone vibrated, but I couldn't force myself to move to withdraw it. I knew it would be Alice, and I couldn't handle her questions and her commentary at present, no matter what she had seen.
I simply didn't care....
Because I had ruined everything.
My phone vibrated against my chest again and again over the next two hours while I remained frozen, my unfocused gaze directed toward the harbor. I continued to ignore the many calls, texts, and voice messages with which Alice bombarded me.
I was past thought, caught in a maelstrom of sheer emotion—sheer agony.
After the sun had risen, I at last heard movement inside the suite, and only then did I regain motion, swiveling my head to peer inside the hotel. My head swam with the movement, something that had never happened to me before, a reminder of my current emotional and yes, physical weakness.
With difficulty I managed to focus my eyes and saw that Bella was carelessly dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt, her sneakers on, her hair, still curly from Alice's styling last night, pulled back into a sloppy ponytail. I could see her moving about the Master suite through the open bedroom door as she haphazardly tossed clothing into the bags that Alice had so lovingly packed for her.
My feet refused to move as I watched my angel, my heart somehow ripping even more, even deeper.
Bella was packing.
Bella was leaving.
I watched her every move with agonized eyes, noting the paleness of her face, the weariness of her movements, the tight set of her jaw, her teeth clenched, her eyes refusing to meet mine.
My phone buzzed again, and, without thinking, I took it from my pocket and put it to my ear without speaking a greeting.
“Edward?” Alice whispered.
I didn't respond.
“Edward, snap out of it!” Alice hissed.
I only shook my head in negation.
“Stop shaking your head and listen to me!” she demanded. “Bella will forgive you, Edward—I've seen it.”
“When?” I breathed, trying not to allow hope to creep back into my heart. Hope could be deadly. I couldn't hope—not yet. Not until I saw some real sign of Bella's relenting, of Bella's forgiveness.
“Less than twenty-four hours. But you're going to have to give her a lot of space today and be in her room tonight, no matter what she tells you. Take her anger quietly on the way home and say as little as possible so you won't dig yourself in deeper.”
“Thanks, Alice,” I whispered, still attempting to stave off the impossible hope that was starting to lessen the tearless agony that had gripped me for the last few hours.
“You're welcome. And next time, Edward...answer your damn phone!”
I sighed. “I hope there won't be a 'next time.'”
“Me, too. I'm sorry, Edward. But sometimes...you are an idiot.”
I nearly chuckled as I pocketed the phone.
My eyes automatically turned toward the room in which Bella was packing. She was impatiently and unsuccessfully tugging on the zipper of a long garment bag, and reluctantly I re-entered the hotel suite, closing the French doors behind me with a gentle click.
Bella raised her head at the sound, folding her lips into a thin line, still refusing to meet my eyes. Anger and frustration rolled off her almost visibly, so I resolved to take Alice's advice and not speak to her unless I had to.
I wordlessly entered the room and started scooping up her packed bags. With a violent motion, she at last zippered the garment bag and stalked into the living room.
I moved her bags out near the front door before I went to the guest room where I had readied myself last night and, moving at vampire speed, I quickly changed into jeans and a white button-down shirt before packing my few things.
I returned to the living room with my bags before picking up hers as well. I wasn't going to bother with a valet this morning.
But I had to make sure Bella was cared for: she needed to eat this morning.
So, not looking directly at her, I suggested quietly, “I can wait in the car while you eat breakfast in the restaurant before we leave.”
Bella threw me a frustrated glance that said “You've got to be kidding!” far louder than words. Her face was set stubbornly, and I knew that expression all too well. Plus, I wasn't in any position to insist on anything this morning, so I opened the door for her, allowing her to stomp out to the elevator doors and viciously poke the “down” button. She stood in front of the closed doors, tapping her right foot in frustrated impatience. And I groaned internally.
This was going to be an interesting trip home.
Less than two hours later, I was pulling the Vanquish into the Forks city limits. I glanced at Bella again, as I had throughout our car ride, but she kept her face averted, not speaking a single word except to ask me once (in a cold, furious voice) to stop at a restroom for a “human moment.” While she was in the restroom of the AM/PM and I filled the car with fuel, I dashed into the mini-mart and purchased her some fruit, a water bottle, and some crackers, leaving the items on her seat.
Bella emerged from the restroom, rubbing the back of her neck in a tired way, and I realized that, in addition to being exhausted from the last twenty-four hours and her nearly-sleepless night, she must be uncomfortable as a result of averting her face away from me. She inadvertently caught my glance as she massaged her sore neck and stopped immediately, defiantly and deliberately looking away as she approached the car.
When she opened the passenger door, she came to a shocked standstill as she saw the items I left on her seat, my small attempt to take care of her.
She shot me an annoyed look before sweeping the food and water onto the floor of the car before resuming her seat, stubbornly glaring out her window again, jaw set.
That was the extent of our communication during the entire trip home.
With a concerted effort, I withheld the sigh that threatened to erupt at her refusal to allow me to care for her basic needs, as well as her refusal to even look at me. I couldn't help the sadness that enveloped me as we continued our way home, my eyes trained on the rain-slicked road before us, glancing up at Bella now and then.
At least she didn't complain about the speeds the Vanquish reached in getting us home so quickly. Heeding Alice's warning, I decided to not spend an extra moment in Bella's company this day as she seemed to become more furious at me with each minute she spent in my proximity.
Noticing that Charlie's police car was already gone, I pulled the Vanquish into her driveway. To my astonishment, Bella was yanking the door handle before the car had even come to a complete stop. Grabbing only her purse and leaving the bags Alice had packed for her, she left the passenger door wide open in her haste to leave me behind, disappearing into the sanctuary of her home.
And I let her go.
Slowly I opened my door, walked around the car, and gently closed her door. My head down, I moved back into the driver's seat and slipped the car into the street, away from my one and only love....
...who wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.
Any hope I had felt after talking to Alice earlier was long gone, crushed by Bella's cold silence and colder fury.
At last I let out the shaky sigh I had bottled up over an hour ago when we stopped at the gas station.
I couldn't drive home and deal with my family right now. I would lose my mind if I had to subject myself to Rosalie's superiority, to Emmett's ridicule, to Alice's disappointment, to Jasper's understanding, to Carlisle's compassion, or to Esme's sympathy.
No, I couldn't go home. Not yet.
So I drove aimlessly, my mind deep in thought, trying to figure out how to find a “happy medium” in my and Bella's relationship—if she even wanted to have a relationship with me now. After all, our relationship has balanced on the edge of the knife before, and all had ended up fine. During our first trip to the meadow, all that had been confusing and challenging between us had become clear, had become possible because I had discovered the truth that would allow us to be together: that I was strong enough to resist the siren call of her blood. And there I had resolved never to hurt her.
If only I had kept that resolve....
I pushed the negative thought away, too involved in trying to find that balance we needed. I kept forcing myself to hope that this wasn't the end...the end of us.
I inhaled deeply, then gritted my teeth as her warm scent, still swirling inside the small car, assaulted me. I couldn't think clearly in this situation, not with her scent as a constant reminder of all that I could be losing.
I needed a place to be quiet, a place to really concentrate, uninterrupted. And then I remembered the place where it had all fallen together before.
I needed to go to the meadow...and I needed to go there now.
Spinning the low-slung sports car into a hairpin u-turn, I steered the Vanquish onto the highway, following the winding road to its end, to the trail that Bella once thought that we would be hiking on that first day together.
Not bothering to lock my expensive British sports car and leaving my cell phone behind me on the passenger seat, I tore away from the few vehicles parked at the trail head, streaking through the dense forest toward the one physical place in which peace reigned for me.
Only a few moments later I entered the perfectly circular meadow, still green with summer grasses and dotted with summer wildflowers—poppies, Queen Anne's Lace, cornflowers, daisies, and other wildflowers that I didn't recognize. My mind reveled in the perfect stillness after the rush, bustle, and noise of downtown Seattle which had put me on edge more than I had realized. I didn't have to block out the cacophony of voices now—not a single mind was within my range, and I gratefully flopped down on my back in the precise center of the meadow.
The sky above me was pale gray, almost as if the sun, directly overhead now, might burn through and shine later. Despite the emotional pain that engulfed me, I pulled my arms behind my head and crossed my feet, luxuriating for a moment in the cool grass, the warm summer breeze ruffling the long-stemmed wildflowers, the absence of all human voices. I took a deep breath, allowing my body and mind to relax a little.
Here I could finally think.
I started by working to isolate the major problem that Bell and I seemed to be facing, and a few moments later I thought I had figured it out:
Bella and I obviously both wanted a physical relationship, but I kept drawing back in fear, afraid of injuring or even killing her if my control slipped for a nanosecond. And Bella, that beautiful vixen of mine, kept trying to edge past my control, endangering herself as she allowed her human hormones to dominate her...and by extension, dominate me. And every time I pulled back, she obviously felt rejected, unwanted, and even unloved.
I shook my head in almost-amused disbelief. How could Bella ever consider herself unwanted? I wanted her with my every breath, with my every thought.
And I wasn't the only one.
If I had messed up enough this time so that Bella finally gave up on me, quite a sizable queue of alternates would gladly line up to take my place.
And every one of them could give her what I wouldn't...what I couldn't.
They could offer her a physical relationship—they could make love with her without hurting or killing her.
Bella was a teenager, and she obviously needed more than I could safely give her. Gritting my teeth,my hands flew to cover my eyes as I cringed at that thought. I couldn't give Bella up to make her happy. Could I?
I felt my jaw tightening. Obviously I needed to give her the choice of leaving me, of having a normal, human boyfriend and thus a normal, safe life...without me. Bella seemed to be so frustrated with me that she may be ready to call it all off—call us off. And I definitely deserved such treatment...she would receive no arguments from me on that point.
And if that were the case—if Bella wanted to leave me—I would let her go. I would allow her to live a normal, happy, human life. I swallowed painfully at the thought, and again the now-familiar agony, aching through me all day, shot through my chest in a painful burst. But I also knew this:
I would never stop loving Bella...never...for all of eternity. Even after her heart stopped beating....
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Please let me know what you think!!! And yes, I'll be writing more...there's LOTS of this summer between Twilight and New Moon to explore!!!
Love you guys!! Thanks for everything!!!
--Cassandra :)