ENTRY NO. 22 (Click ang external link kung gusto niyong suportahan ang kwentong ito sa facebook.)
It's been three years... Since I last saw him, the way we parted hurt like hell... I could tell I'm still not over him. He broke up with me telling me he loves another woman.. I cried all day, the next day I still cried.. It felt like crying was all I can do at the moment.. It hurts so much I could feel my heart breaking into pieces.. Then my parents decided to send me to the States. I went to see him for one last time, but he pushed me away...
Too much of a memory.. It feels like it all happened yesterday. Now I'm on my way back home. Magkikita ba kami? Sana hindi.. God I missed this place. I miss my family, my home, my friends.. I miss HIM.. It was clear that he was inlove with another woman.
First things first, I went home and there was a mini celebration. "Welcome Home KC" they hugged me.. I saw my close friends.. It brought me to tears. Damn it felt good.
"Cee, I missed you girl, we have a lot of catching up to do." Sophia, siya nakakaalam ng lahat.
"Same here.. Hmm. Let's hang out?"
"Sounds good to me. When? "
"This Saturday.. I need some rest. haha."
"Sure. Onga baka pagod ka na. Oh siya I have to leave now I still have a date to attend to." and she winked. "Sophia talaga di na nawalan ng date ah? Bye take care."
Party has ended now I'm here at my room. I missed this too. Nothing has changed everything is still where I left them.. It brings back memories.. Slumber party with my girls. Photoshoots (LOL). I walked around the room. I saw my PC, dito.. Dito ko una nakilala si Nathan.. Nagtataka kayo no? We met in the internet. Summer nun. Facebook to be exact. It's funny cause it all started with pasimpleng banats.. Who knew we'd find ourselves in love for real. May 16, 2012 we decided to meet in person.
The distance didn't matter. Hindi pala ganun kalayo ang lugar nila. We met at ATC, sabi niya hanapin ko daw yung pinakagwapong naka-salamin na mukha raw KPOP. I told him I'll be wearing a simple plain white v-neck shirt partnered with black skinny jeans. I thought he was joking nung sinabi niyang gwapo, I couldn't believe my own eyes. I didn't expect him to be so handsome. Pero hindi ako nainlove ng dahil dun.. It was so awkward.. I was so simple tapos siya parang Idol lang.. Not to mention he's part of a band. Typical date, we got to know each other more.
After nun we met every Wednesdays and Saturdays. We officially became a couple..Date dito, date doon.. Holding hands, and my first kiss... Tears started to fall again, memories.. Bittersweet memories started coming back.. I fell down on my knees. Why? Why can't I just move on? He's probably happy now.. Can't I be the same? I stood and lay down on my bed.. Buried my face in the pillow. I actually cried myself to sleep..
It's Saturday andito ako ngayon sa Starbucks, waiting for Sophia.. It felt so nostalgic we used to meet here before going to school.. Everytime I go to Starbucks naalala ko si Sophia. We had the same favorite drink.. Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino.. I can see her getting off her car. She waves at me as she opens the door.
We ordered our all-time favorite. And talked about our lives.. How she failed her subjects, how I found it hard to adapt when I was on my first year in America.
"Cee."
"Hm?" I fed myself with oreo cheesecake.
"Nathan.."
I choked when I heard his name.. She patted me on the back and handed me my Frap..
"Thank you."
"Itutuloy ko pa ba?" she asked.. Di ko alam.. I want to know how is he but at the same time I don't wanna hear about him.. "Sige, ituloy mo.."
"You see, nag-OJT ako sa Manila. I met him there, he's now engaged."
ENGAGED. Heard her? Engage! I started hearing bells.. I stared blankly at her.."Ahh." I wanted to cry. Pero walang nalabas na luha.. Ubos na ata? I found it very hard to breathe.. What should I expect? Sinabi na niya sakin yun dati diba? Ba't ang tanga tanga ko? Ba't pa ako umasa?
"Listen.."
I couldn't pay attention to her.. I went straight home and locked myself in my room.. It hurts more than it hurt me back then.. Damn. Gusto kong ibato lahat ng makita ko, di ko magawa. I don't wanna creep out my parents. I received a text message.. It was Sophia.
Sophia: You should have let me finish Cee. Remember what happened 3 years ago? He was set on a fixed marriage.
Me: What the hell? That is so old school sis. You expect me to believe in that shit?
Sophia: Mayaman ang boyfriend mo. He's chinese remember? Pati yung family nung girl chinese.. Bumagsak daw ang negosyo nila Nathan.. He told me not to tell you pero hindi tama..
Napatulala ako, next thing I knew I was crying.. AGAIN, for the same person.. Ang sakit.. Sakit sakit.. Alam mo yung feeling na in love na in love kayo tapos masisira lang dahil sa isang ARRANGE MARRIAGE? I threw my cellphone against the wall. Napahawak ako sa ulo ko at sinabunutan ang sarili.. It didn't hurt.. Mas ramdam ko pa ang sakit sa puso ko. Kung alam ko lang. If he only told me about this I could have done something.. Gagawa ako ng paraan. Masakit yung iniwan niya ako dahil nainlove siya sa iba pero mas masakit yung iniwan niya ako kasi wala siyang magagawa.
Weeks after that I started applying for a He’s all grown up, He’s all grown up, job. I got rejected dito sa'min so I've decided to go to other places.. Manila, Alabang kung saan mataas ang rate.. Natanggap naman ako sa isang hotel.. As a room attendant.. Mababang position but kasisimula ko pa lang. I will do my best, sana maka-move on na ako..
Everything went well. Ang hirap nga lang. Nakakapagod but at least I was getting paid.. Nakapag-decide na ko na hindi na ako mag-dedepend sa parents ko. I live at a condo near the hotel, sabi ng parents ko at the very least I should let them find me a good place to stay at. 3rd floor ang unit ko. 2 months, it's been 2 months I feel homesick.. Nagkakatext kami ni Sophia minsan she visits me. We never talked about him again.
"KC, wanna join us tonight? Gimik lang sa isang bar malapit dito." pagyayakag ni Bell, workmate ko... "Sure, makapag-relax. I really need it." Later that night we went to a bar like they said..
Naupo kami after getting our drinks.. There's a live band.. Biglang dumating yung vocalist..
It was him.. I was dumbfounded.. I was happy to see him alive at the same time hurt cause hindi na siya mapapasakin.. I remember all the plans we made.. Wedding, ilang anak. Damn. He changed.. In a good way, He’s all grown up, he looks matured now.. Gusto kong umalis but I wanna hear him sing.. I sat still and waited for the song to start.. "Goodeve. It's me Nathan." nagtitilian ang girls.. " I dedicate this song to someone I loved no ,I love so much.. Kung nasaan man siya ngayon I hope this song would reach her."
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
Memories started coming back again..
"Ang lungkot nanaman ni Papa Nathan ngayon."
"Nanaman?" tanong ko
"Oo, sa tuwing natugtog kasi sila lagi siyang malungkot.. Last week ata Officially Missing you.. Lagi niya binabanggit si baby niya.. "
Baby.. My heart broke into pieces nung marinig ko yun.. He used to call me his baby.. Could it be..
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
Di ko napigilan sarili ko.. I started stepping forward.. Closer to the stage.. And he saw me.. Halatang gulat siya nung nakita niya ako.. I just looked him in the eyes and smiled.. He suddenly left the stage and went out.. Nagulat ang lahat. Sinundan ko siya..
"Baby.." I missed calling him baby so damn much..
"KC we're over."
"I know. But you still love me."
"You're getting it all wrong.."
"No. I'm not. Wag ako ang lokohin mo Nath."
"I'm not even kidding with you."
"Ano? Magpapatigasan tayo dito? It's obvious you're affected. If you weren't you shouldn't have left that stage. Don't treat me like a fool Nathan."
"Shit!" was all he said. Sumakay siya sa motor niya at umalis.
Why? :(
Days have passed, no, weeks I think.. Wala ako sa sarili.. I want to see him again but I don't know how. I went to that bar pero syempre.. Wala na siya dun. It hurts. Today dadating ang tagpagmana nung hotel kasama fiance niya. So lahat kami busy.. I was the one assigned to assist them to their room.. nagbubulungan sila. "Ayan na sila... Pila kayo.."
"Siya pala... Hindi ba siya si..."
Yes.. It was Nathan.. With his fiancé.. Damn.. It keeps on getting worse and worse. I saw him looking at me.. He looked very shocked... "K---"
"This way, Sir." I interrupted, I know he was going to call out my name.. The hallway was filled with silence not until she spoke.. "Babe, I have to go now. I need to meet our wedding planner later. I'm sorry I forgot.."
"I-it's okay."
"I'll make it up to you. Bye babe I love you." at umalis.
Nakatalikod man ako I could sense that she kissed him.. Sa lips.. Napapikit ako ng madiin.. Breathe in... Breathe out... "KC."
Di ko pinansin... Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad.. I was crying.. I know he could tell kahit hindi ako nakaharap. It's too much for me to handle. I've been strong for too long... I want to rest.. "KC, humarap ka sakin."
Hindi ko pa rin pinansin... Hinawakan niya braso ko at hinarap ako sa kanya.. Right now my eyes are filled with tears, I looked away.. "I-I'm sorry."
Hearing him saying sorry.. It hurts.. Tears poured down.. "Waaa. Nathan! Ang sakit." napahagulgol ako... Di ko kinaya.. "Ang sakit dito." tinuro ko puso ko. "Parang sasabog. Ba't ganyan ka? Sabagay ako din naman tong si Tanga. Umasa sa wala." Napaluhod ako.... Nanghina ako, di ko alam gagawin ko. "Wag kang umiyak KC, please. Mas masakit para sakin na makita kang umiiyak dahil sa'kin."
"What do you expect me to do Nathan? The man that I have loved all these years is now engaged. He left me because he had no other choice. Ang sakit! Sakit sakit. Ikaw? Hindi ka ba nasasaktan?"
"Believe me KC, mas masakit para sa'kin to. Sorry! Sorry kung hindi kita maipaglaban sa pamilya ko.. Tingin mo sasaya ako sa piling ng taong di ko naman mahal? Please KC, stop crying.. Just forget about me.."
"Fudge! Forget about you? Are freaking kidding me? 3 years Nathan.. I tried to forget about you, I did my best. Pero di ko magawa. I tried going out on dates but none of them made me happy like you did.."
I kept on weeping.. He hugged me tight.. I missed this.. I hugged him back.. "Shh, tahan na baby ko." Good Lord. Ba't kailangan niyang banggitin un? Napalakas ang paghagulgol ko.. Hindi ko na siya mapapakasalan... Kumalas ako, mali to..
"It hurts baby.. We can't be together.. " napatingin ako sa mga mata niya. The man I love and will always love hindi mapapasakin.. " You will always be in my heart baby ko. Ikaw lang. Walang kahati, walang kaagaw." sinubukan kong pigilan ang pagiyak ko pero mas lumala ata.. Tinakpan ko mukha ko.. My make up's all messed up.. Tinanggal niya kamay ko.. He pressed his lips against mine.. It felt like magic, oh how I longed for him. For a while all my fears vanished as he kissed me. "I love you more than you'll ever know baby." he gave me a quick kiss.. I miss the old days.. I miss us. God why can't we be happy together?
After that incident hindi na ako pumasok.. Umuwi na ko ng Laguna. I want him to be mine. Hindi na talaga pwede. Hindi tama. I've been sulking still trying to accept the fact na HINDI na pwede.. Na WALA na talagang pag-asa. But somewhere deep in my heart umaasa pa rin na kami ang meant to be..
I told Sophia everything... Sabi niya bumalik daw ako ng Manila.. I can't.. i just can't.
One night I received a text message..
Unknown number: Hi
Me: Who's this?
Unknown number: It's me baby..
Ba't ang gulo niya? Alam niyang umiiwas na ako.. Hindi ko na talaga kaya.. I didn't reply to his text messages.. Naka-ilang missed call na rin siya. I turned off my phone.. How stupid can I be? Ako na nga tong nilalapitan. Damn.
I went to ATC with Sophia we're gonna watch a movie daw kasi.. Hoping not to see him there. Hindi ko siya nakita but I saw his fiance.. We exchanged smiles.. "KC, right?" sabi niya.
Huh? Kilala niya ako? "Y-yeah.. Problem?"
"Can we talk?"
Oh please. I'm trying to move on here. "Do I have business with you?"
"No but this is important."
"If it's about Nathan, don't worry there's nothing between us anymore.."
"Please?"
"Kausapin mo na. I'll wait for you sa car." Sophia said and left the place..
"KC.. You see. Nathan, he's been smoking and drinking these past few days. One time I asked him what was wrong." Napatigil siya saglit. "Sabi niya : "What's wrong? Buong buhay ko mali! Why can't I just be happy with KC. Ang sakit Bianca." then he started crying. He was drunk at that time he kept on checking his phone" I saw her crying.. Hindi lang pala ako ang nasasaktan sa nangyayari.."I-I'm so sorry KC. Ayoko ng ganto.. Hindi ko kaya makitang nahihirapan si Nathan. Araw araw na lang. Pl-please make him happy for me okay?"
What? Ano ibig niyang sabihin dun? "You see.. My father.. He's doing everything para bumagsak ang company nila..Para sa'min sila kumapit at pakasalan ako.. It's wrong.. I know.. I'm so stupid I was so selfish." she covered her face as she cried.. Niyakap ko siya.. "Okay lang Bianca.. I'm sure makakahanap ka din ng taong magmamahal sa'yo ng tunay.."
"Thanks KC. You're so kind.. I promise... gagawin ko ang lahat para mabalik sa dati ang company nila..I learned my lesson now.."
She told me the address of his condo. Hinatid ako ni Sophia dun.. Bianca gave me her keys and told me the password to his room.. 071512, anniversary namin.. Nakailang doorbell na ko walang nasagot. So binuksan ko na.. There he was with a gun.. Nakatutok sa ulo niya..
"Nathan, no!" what the hell is he doing I rushed to him hinawakan ko kamay niya, trying to get the gun from his hands. He smelled like beer. "Please, KC. Di ko kaya.. I want peace already."
"Shh. baby. It's okay."
"No it's not." ang lakas niya. Nakikipag-agawan padin ako. Nilipat niya yung gun sa left hand niya.. Then he pulled the trigger... *BOOM*
"Baby, I'm so sorry." I could hear Nathan. "Don't leave me.."
Ah.. I now remember... Nakipag-agawan ako.. tapos tapos.. Sinalo kung yung bullet..
Gently I opened my eyes.. Andun sila.. Nathan he was crying.. Hinawakan ko ang pisngi "It's okay baby.. Hindi kita iiwan. Malakas ata to.." I smiled at him.. He looked into my eyes. "Thank God you're okay.." he hugged me.. I may be physically hurt but emotionally, I'm okay.. At last.. I hugged him back."I love you, baby." sabay kami this time..
. Our 'Once upon a time didn't end in a happily ever after.. Kasi ang True love walang ENDING. ;)
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