TW: SWEARING, TRAUMA
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tubbo's hits come hard and fast, but I know him too well for him to catch me off guard. I block one and slip past another, I attempt a blow at his stomach. But he catches my fist too. We often trained together, but today I wasn't nearly as cheerful as I usually am in our spars.
Tommy miraculously had no scars from the bomb that killed him. If I had thought that sentence a week ago I would have weakened, but now it only toughened my skin and made me want to growl. The only scars Tommy had were the lightning scars that cut the skin of his back in two and grappled down his arm until they rested on the back of his right hand. The scars shared a source at the nape of his neck like they slip out of the hair on the back of his head and crash like a waterfall at the top of his hips.
I lay awake thinking about it for the first night until I came to my conclusion. There was a lot about my abilities that I didn't know, but I did know that I had a particular knack for healing potions. I suspect some of my powers were amplified in the incantation that brought Tommy back.
I wish I could find out more, ask Tommy if anything else was different besides his scars and vivid, curly, white streak. But he'd shut me out.
A glint of sunlight off Tubbo's ring sting my eye and I'm forced to flip backwards to regroup. The hot weather had forced us to abandon the black tee shirts we usually wore when we trained. It left me in my black leggings and a black crop top that wasn't that much different from the bra I wore underneath. Tubbo had swapped for one of Dream's loose tank tops and shorts. We fought barefoot, it gave us a better grip on the grass, and besides, I liked the feeling of the energy in the ground underneath my feet.
Despite our efforts to shake the summer weather, we were still sweltering. Sweat made our clothes sticky and dripped down our faces and made our hands slippery which made Tubbo curse every time I slipped out of his blocks.
My thoughts swayed back to Tommy like they tend to do these days. He had been hiding in his room for a while. When we first got him to sit up he didn't want me to leave his side, but as soon as we got him to his room and let him be for a while things started to change.
I aim a kick at Tubbo's side with an exasperated huff eager to end the brash fight. I know I'm sloppy when Tubbo steps aside and catches my body before slamming the two of us to the ground in a panting heap. I don't even know what he used to get us on the floor. I need to concentrate.
Desperate to shake the extra heat I roll off Tubbo and into the cool grass. We lay there for a moment trying to catch our breath until Tubbo sits up and swipes the wet hair from his forehead and makes his way to the hose.
The hose was new. Something Niki had put in to look after the small potted plants on the edge of the verandah whilst I was gone. I still wasn't used to it.
Tubbo beckons me over and flicks the tap on letting the water run. I try to focus on the feeling of the cool water running from the big green tank that had been hiding in the shade of the house all afternoon. It does nothing to distract my thoughts.
Crossly I wipe the water from my face and hold my hand out to take the hose. Tubbo hastily runs his hands through his hair and over his face as I hose him down.
"What's got you so worked up?" he asks as I turn the hose off. I scoff and feel a breeze make the water on my skin feel icy.
"Why wouldn't I be worked up," I curse and then apologise to Tubbo for my foul tongue. The voice that had invaded my mind after I used the book had made me bitter. I never liked bitter things. Tubbo waves me off knowing the circumstances.
"What do you mean?" he asks looking for a constructive answer. It was something I had asked the others to do.
"If I snap," I had said nervously picking at my fingers. "Please just repeat what you said, I'll rephrase how I spoke." Dream had smiled and said "of course" and the others smiled and mumbled similar things.
"I mean there's a lot that's been left unresolved. With Tommy I mean..." I trail off knowing that Tubbo understands me. He knew about limbo, Tommy and I explained it late in the evening after Tubbo convinced Ranboo we were alright and everybody except Dream had gone to bed. We all teared up remembering full well that horrible afternoon we had fled.
"I'm trying not to think about it," Tubbo winces.
"I just don't know how to help him. He's set off by nearly every noise in the house! He won't even play his discs anymore," the hot weather was not helping my mood. I plonk down in the shade that covers the steps of the verandah. Tubbo slowly follows me like his mind is elsewhere, I'm sure that it is.
"Remember after my... incident I hated loud noises too," Tubbo sits next to me and leans over to reach the towels we had left on one of the wooden verandah chairs before we started. I thank him and wrap it around my shoulders not wanting to be rid of the delightful coolness the water brought me.
"I remember," but I didn't really. It was just Tubbo, Niki and I in the house, there was no noise anyway. I didn't really see Tubbo in Pogtopia. All I had seen was the deliberate distance between him and Technoblade that they both seemed to insert.
"I'll go and talk to him, I have something I want to say anyway. You can shower first," Tubbo says finally and goes inside leaving tiny droplets on the floor in his wake. If Phil was here he would sigh and tell Tubbo to wipe it up. But he and Techno went home and Ranboo and Dream went to the SMP to relay information and learn about what happened whilst we were gone.
I sigh resenting his words and the meaning behind them although I knew he was right. If anybody was going to get Tommy talking it would be Tubbo. In truth, it would be Wilbur if he were still here.
I take Tubbo's advice and head up to the shower first. As the warm water runs over my head, in my hair and down my shoulders I catch a glimpse of my clothes through the steaming glass. I smirk remembering the first time I used this shower. I left my clothes in my room and had to dash down the hall pleading silently that Sapnap, George and Dream would stay downstairs. That was so long ago now.
I dress and rub the towel messily through my wet hair although I knew the dry air outside would dry it well enough. I catch my reflection in the mirror with a sigh.
Image from Indy Brand Clothing (sorry for the poor quality)
The steamy bathroom stuck whisps of my hair to the sides of my face but that didn't detract from everything else. Heavy bags hung under my eyes and some cuts and scrapes were yet to heal. I don't even know where they came from anymore. The warm water had made the redness in some of them pop. There was one on my cheek, my chin near my lip, my forehead and one that had nearly healed by my ear.
I leave the bathroom wanting to get away from the mirror. I throw my dirty clothes in the cotton bag for my laundry and sigh for the millionth time knowing I'd have to do the washing later. I plonk down on the end of my bed and startle Cosette who was roosting on the windowsill.
"Sorry," I mumble. I keep doing shit wrong.
She coos back understandingly and drowsily flutters to my hand. I raise her up and meet her eyes. Her head darts back and forth as she watches me with both eyes. I stretch my arm out as she hops along it to my shoulder. Once she finds a cosy spot she starts roosting again I tie my hair up so she doesn't tangle her feathers in it.
I eye the chest at the end of my bed. Not remembering what was inside aided by nonchalant curiosity, I kneel in front of it and open the latch.
As I sift through the things I realise how old they are. Some were things I had brought from my village when we escaped. I find the journal that I used to use every day and now don't use at all. Not wanting to think about the things inside I move on.
I pause when I spot a blue knitted sweater.
Blue is Tommy's favourite colour. Blue and red.
Something pangs in my stomach but I can't put a name to it. Maybe this will help him feel more comfortable. I shut the chest and go back down the stairs but pause when I reach the ladder that leads to Tommy's side of the house.
What if he doesn't want to see me? a voice inside me says.
The first time I visited Tommy after he started hiding in his room he was reluctant. Awkwardness hung thickly in the air as I sat next to him on the bed. We talked aimlessly for a while but the lead into his tension with Tubbo was inevitable.
His revival was the first time they'd seen one another since the exile.
Tommy didn't understand how Tubbow was so happy to see him.
"Tubbo didn't want to exile you," I said softly.
"Then why did he?" I didn't answer. Pretty soon after that, I left.
I clutch the sweater tighter and bring it to my chest to climb the ladder. I walk to the room in the middle of the hall and knock on the door. There's a faint "come in" and I hold the sweater tighter.
Tubbo and Tommy sit on the bed. Tommy leans against the headboard and Tubbo sits cross-legged on the end. He gives me a look as if to say we've worked through some stuff. Tommy's white streak is something I still can't look away from. The gold of Tubbo's ring catches my eye again.
How much have we grown? It's barely been a year. We ran away in autumn, it's summer now. Look at us...
We're a fat mess.
I was the oldest, twenty since my birthday fell in the autumn. Tubbo was nineteen now since spring and Tommy would be eighteen soon in the middle of autumn like how I would be twenty-one.
Twenty when we ran away and still twenty now. But time feels as though someone had taken it by each end and stretched it as long as they could. I'm so much older than I am. Tubbo and Tommy weren't the kids they were when we escaped. Childhoods cut short, at least mine was already over.
Tubbo was married for fucks sake and he has a beautiful son who I get to call my nephew. Tommy had been exiled twice and revived. Wilbur is still dead and - from what the crows say - Ghostbur has disappeared.
"Tommy, I found this," I cut off my thoughts verbally before I make the room stiffen. "I thought you might like it."
I cross the room and lower myself onto the edge of the bed between Tubbo and Tommy. Tommy takes the sweater blankly and pulls it over his shoulders. I smile when he fiddles with the sleeves and his lips quirk upwards.
"Thanks," he mumbles and I know I've nailed it.
I frown when he fiddles with his white streak and tucks it deeper into his blond curls.
"You don't have to hide it, Tommy," I say. I pull myself onto the bed crossing my legs like Tubbo and shuffle close to Tommy. I untuck the white streak running my fingers gently through his hair.
I'm suddenly hit with the memory of limbo. Wilbur had a white streak in there too. Tommy's letter, I think. My letter... I distract myself with the length of Tommy's hair. My fiddling must change because Tommy runs his hand through his hair and tests the length.
"I think I want to leave it long for a little while," he says thoughtfully. The letter doesn't leave my mind. I touch Cosette who had been roosting in the crook of my neck.
"Could you get Tommy's letter for me? It's on my desk," I tell her. Cosette seems to sigh but obliges and I open the door for her to fly out. I look back at Tommy who is still fiddling with his longish hair.
"Do you want me to braid some bits whilst you read the letter?" Tommy looks at me and nods and I sit on the bed again. Tubbo digs around for hair ties in Tommy's room whilst I start a little braid by his ear.
It's not long before Cosette comes back with the letter. The letter had been much longer than anyone else's. I'm surprised when I notice my letter in her beak too. Tubbo hands me a little band and I tie off the braid with it.
"I might cry reading this," I warn jokingly. We chuckle drily. Tubbo had already read his letter, we spoke nothing of the contents. These were private, Wilbur's last words to each of us. The thought makes my hands tremble as I unfold the letter.
__________________________________________________________________
Y/N,
In Pogtopia, I imagined my death so much that it felt more like a memory. I knew when it would get me, on my feet, my father in front of me. I knew I would see it coming, I wouldn't run, I would let it be.
Nothing could have prepared me for what death is like. I pictured a great chorus of angels singing me to my rest. But there is no beat, no melody. Not even the rumble of a train. The lights make no sound, not even when they flicker.
It's silent. Actually, silent.
I was so ready to blow it all to smithereens. I was desperate to end my symphony even though I knew it was never meant to be. I had everything ready to go the day after Dream gave me his TNT. I would watch the world burn, I had the gasoline and match to light it. L'Manburg was my symphony. My legacy.
I procrastinated, there were a few reasons why.
I've thought a lot about legacy. I would never be satisfied in the mortal realm. Please never find yourself hungry like I was. Hungry for a legacy to preceded me. But you cannot control your legacy for it is carried by the people who you leave behind.
A legacy is like planting seeds in a garden you never get to see. I wrote some notes at the beginning of a song I hoped you would sing for me. I knew you would tell my story. But I threw away my shot, and this is how you'll remember me.
We have no control over who lives, who dies, or who tells our story.
Every other founding father of L'Manburg will have their story told. Tommy, you, Tubbo, Eret, Fundy and Niki will get to grow old. When I'm gone only you guys will remember my name.
I was stupid enough to think that it did and I thought myself a hero, invincible. Life doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints, it just takes and takes and takes but we keep living anyway.
Y/N, there's a reason you're still alive and why so many around you will die. Please, be willing to wait for it.
Dying was the easiest thing I've ever done. But living is so much harder. I suppose that's why limbo is torture. Those who wish for comfort in death are met with a world similar to life. A puzzle we're destined to never solve.
Do you remember the coat I gave you? The one you retrieved from my chest in the van? I'm not sure if you noticed (although I'm sure you're smart enough to work it out) but I enchanted it before I gave it to you.
Your coat and Tommy's armour. I enchanted them both with blast protection in case you were near the explosion. I don't think I fully understood how a small part of me seemed to relax when I saw you wearing it that morning...
Y/N, Thank you.
You won't agree with this, but in L'Manburg you were the best of us. In Pogtopia, you were the best of us. You were the best soldier, brewer, friend and woman there was. I know Tommy like I know my own mind and he would agree that we will never find anyone as trusting or as kind. You trusted us unwaveringly, you were loyal to me in my darkest hour and you sacrificed so much for us. There were times in Pogtopia when I would watch you wondering where you found the strength to help us when it was clear that you needed more love than all of us.
You believed in life, liberty and our pursuit of happiness; you supported my pursuit of victory. You fought day and night like it was you who was running out of time, not me. You fought for your ideals and you shouldn't settle for any less.
Thank you for raising your glass to freedom with us on drunken nights. Thank you for coming back for me even if I know I can't come home with you. Thank you for looking after Tommy and guiding him. Thank you for being Techno's best friend. Thank you for taking all of the hard shit that we couldn't handle. Thank you for being our rock. My little sister.
Look at where you are, and look at where you started. After everything, the fact that you're alive is a miracle. You've loved so many people and healed so many bodies. Just stay alive, that would be enough for the rest of your lifetime.
Now, I'm the villain in your history. I was too young and blind to see. I should've known the world was wide enough for both L'Manburg and the SMP. And that you were the bridge between our worlds.
I hurt you. It took so many years of sitting here in this fucking cylinder to realise that. I abused the love you offered me and the trust you refused to let go of. You and Tommy thought the most of me and I don't even know if you knew how dangerous that was.
Y/N, I've been wrong about so many things but this I know is right. Please don't forget it, or me.
Stand for something. If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for everything.
Y/N, take your time, I'll see you on the other side.
History has its eyes on you.
Much love,
Wilbur
__________________________________________________________________
The ink had smudged where my tears had fallen onto the crumpling paper.
Wilbur's last words couldn't have been more beautiful. He loved us, he loved us so much. That's all I needed to know.
The arm that slinks around my shoulders makes me jump at first until I realise that it's Tommy. His page was as smudged as my own, and his face just as weary. I don't know what Wilbur had written to Tommy, but I do know their connection. They were brothers after all.
"Tubbo," Tommy's voice breaks. Tubbo looks up at him.
"Can you play Cat? You know where the disc is," I'm surprised at both Tommy's worlds and Tubbo's near-emotionless reaction. I felt as though I had missed out on something. Tubbo goes to the Ender chest in the corner of the room setting purple particles flying when it opens. Out of it he delicately removes a music disc with a lime green centre.
I start to run my fingers through Tommy's hair again looking for the longer bits to braid away. There's scratching and then a melody starts to play through the room. Tubbo stands from the jukebox slowly and Tomy takes a deep breath.
Tubbo slowly sits back in front of Tommy who had shut his eyes and was breathing more heavily. The jukebox was not playing loudly, but the extra noise was enough to make Tommy tense. I lean forward taking one of his hands in my own.
Tubbo didn't hesitate, he knew exactly what to do.
"Dream and Ranboo went to the SMP, right?" Tubbo asks the question urging me to help the conversation along.
"Yeah, Dream wanted to check on the progress that we missed," I talk too.
Tubbo and I keep chatting casually and eventually, Tommy slides in too. Our awkward talk turns to relaxed chatter and we sprawl across the bed trying to get comfortable. We laugh about how Ranboo had been so tense and Tommy jokes about Ranboo and Dream being mine and Tubbo's bitches which makes us laugh harder.
Tommy's mind seems to drift from the noise in the room. The sound of the jukebox and how we had to raise our voices to speak over one another. I wished that this one interaction would fix Tommy's sensitivity but I knew it would take more time than that.
"Did you get a letter back from Puffy?" Tommy asks. I kick myself mentally for forgetting. Puffy wrote that she, Niki, Michael, Lorelei and Myles would be arriving today.
"I did actually," I start slowly, Tommy picks up on the tension quickly.
"Lorelei and Myles are bringing them back this afternoon. Would you like to meet them?" Tommy's face is similar to that of the inner workings of a clock.
"Will it be loud?"
"I can't make any promises," I don't mention how Lorelei would most definitely be squealing with delight to see Ranboo and me again.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Tubbo adds gently. The Redstone light in Tommy's ceiling makes Tubbo's ring shine. Michael's coming back. I know Tubbo wants Michael and Tommy to meet, Ranboo will too.
I watch Tommy patiently as he mentally weighs all of his options. Eventually, he nods.
"Ok, I'll come and see them."
~~~~
HELOOOO
I can't wait for the next chapter!
I have been thinking about writing a Wilting Marigolds 100K special but I am FLAT out of ideas. The only thing I can think of is a lil sneak peek into an idea I've been working on for my next fanfiction... I don't know f that works though :/
ANYWAYS
I HOPE YOU HAVE AN AMAZING MORNING/DAY/EVENING/NIGHT <3 <3 <3
Your feeling are valid <3