-chapter ninety-seven-
MARCELLA
Falling.
I was falling.
Out of every fear in the world, it's the only thing that eats me alive. The fear of falling drives my obsession for winning.
Falling means going back to the ground. And it's not as beautiful as anyone would imagine.
I was born with nothing.
No name. No parents. No roof over my head.
A beggar couple fed and took care of me when I was a baby. Pero hindi nila ako binigyan ng pangalan sa rason na hindi ako ang totoo nilang magulang. They saw me abandoned in a garbage bin. They were looking for spare food that day but met me instead. Then, for the first three years of my life, they nurtured me.
I was four when they left. Hindi ko alam kung saan sila nagpunta pero hindi na sila bumalik sa garbage dump na tinutuluyan namin. All I can remember is how I waited for them, wishing that the warmth of an embrace would return. Pero wala rin naman akong nagawa nang wala na talaga ito. This is a dog-eat-dog world, so I have to survive for myself.
Dalawang taon pa lang ako nang tinuruan nila akong maghanap ng pera. Musmos at walang masyadong alam, pero marunong mamulot ng basura. Noong tatlong taon, either nangangalimos ako o naghahanap ng basurang mapagkikitaan. I only had one set of clothes - a ripped white shirt na nakuha ko sa basurahan at pants na bigay ng matandang naawa sa'kin. There was no need to wear shoes. We were too dirty for those fancy materials.
"Mai! Halika dito, tingnan mo, may tinapon silang laruan. Mukhang bago pa!"
Mai... It was a name that the street gave me. May nadaanan kaming pamilya noon na naglalaro. The girl who excelled at the playground was called Mai-Mai. For some reason, the other children called me that too. Sabi nila dahil ako rin daw ang mas magaling sa'min na maghanap ng pera.
Sinundan ko ang bata na lagi kong kasama sa pamamalimos. May isang sasakyang laruan sa basurahan. The box was ripped open but the toy looks new. Mukhang tinapon lang ito ng isang bata dahil ayaw niya sa disenyo. Nang hanapin ko kung may paalis na pamilya ay may nakita akong bata na naggagalit dahil hindi niya gusto ang biniling laruan. Hindi ko mapagaling patagalin ang pag-obserba.
Back then, I couldn't believe how they were so quick to throw away such expensive things. Hindi ba nila nakikita kung gaano sila kaswerte?
"Akin na lang 'to..." nasisiyahang sabi ng kasama kong bata. "Gusto mo ba, Mai?"
Umiling ako. I am fascinated with toys, but not those kind.
There was that time na may nadaanan kaming fast-food restaurant. Patok iyon sa mga bata at marami kaming nakukuhang burger minsan. It was the children's hobby to plant themselves on the glass window and watch how the family eat in fascination... and a chunk of envy. Minsan ay sinasaway kami, at kung minsan rin ay ang pamilya na ang lalabas para pagalitan kami. Sometimes, they would be kind enough to buy us a meal.
I don't enjoy watching other eat. Iniisip ko na lang na parte ako ng pamilyang kinakain at iniimagine kung gaano kasarap 'yong pagkain. And that one time I watched through the glass wasn't because of some food, but because of the kid's toy. It was a device that I would later known to be a phone. Naglalaro siya. Until now, hindi ko alam kung anong game iyon but it made me stop and look.
His character was fighting someone else at may lumalabas na big letters. He keeps on tapping the screen until his enemy finally died. I was really hooked on what he was doing that I didn't notice him staring. Nagkatitigan kami at muli siyang lumaro. But this time, he angled his phone to my direction so I could see better.
That was when I fell in love with games.
And a month after, the girl with no chances of playing one gained an opportunity.
"Do you want to try?"
Nasa palaruan kami ng mga bata no'n. Pwede kaming pumasok dahil gabi na. Hindi lang naman kami pinapayagan 'pag may mga bata na sa loob dahil ayaw ng mga magulang nila na makipaglaro sa'min. I was by myself at the swing when the same boy appeared, at may kasama na siyang malaking lalaki. Akala ko nga ay ipapakulong niya ako sa panunuod sa kaniya noon, kaya laking gulat ko nang ipakita niya ang isang cellphone.
"Hindi kita maintindihan." diretso kong sagot. "Hindi ako marunong ng ingles."
Dahil nga laki kami sa kalsada, we don't have any opportunity to go to a school and study. Ang mga bihirang ingles na alam namin ay mula lang sa mga naririnig. At minsan ay 'di rin namin alam ang mga salitang sinasabi nila.
"Gusto mong maglaro?"
Dahan-dahan akong tumango. Puno ako ng suspisyon pero ayoko ring mawala ang chansa na makagamit ng cellphone at makalaro.
I was seven years old, still a street rat, when I played my first game. It's been weeks since I saw him play but I could still perfectly picture how he did it. Nakatulong din ang tutorial bago ako nakalaro ng isang round. I have always been fast when it comes to fights, and luckily the game centered on battles. Kailangan mong maging marunong sa pakikipaglaban kapag nasa lansangan. I knew how to wield knives and run from officers before I played the game characters.
At dahil din siguro sa real-life knowledge ko at mabilis na pag-iisip, naging madali lang sa'kin na makompleto ang larong 'yon. The older male looked amazed when I gave them back the phone, an hour after they made me play.
"Subukan mo rin 'to."
For the next hours, they made me play a variety of games. Kinabukasan, nakita ko sila sa harapan ko't sinabing may maganda silang proposition.
"Simple lang. Bibigyan ka namin ng matitirahan at kailangan mo lang maglaro bilang bayad." paliwanag nila.
"Kahit pagkain?"
"Kahit anong hilingin mo." ngumiti siya. "Basta tandaan mo, kailangan mo laging manalo."
I was a little girl who wanted a taste of that fastfood restaurant. To sit in one of the red chairs and enjoy their burger without the city's pollution. I wanted what they have - a roof, the toys and games, and a place to call home. I was a selfish and ambitious little girl who wanted to escape the hell street, so I said yes.
I became a ghostgamer, if such thing exists. Naglalaro ako pero hindi sa aking pangalan. Naglalaro ako at nanalo ngunit iba ang pinapalakpakan. Their face was the one displayed on the screen while I'm the one doing the hard work of winning the game. The lights of the game society shone on them while their true weapon remained in the shadows.
Pero wala akong pakialam kung hindi ako ang hinahangaan. Wala akong pakialam na ginagamit nila ang skills ko sa laro para pakinabangan. Dahil kapalit no'n ay isang bahay na may mga pagkain kada buwan... at pera. Hindi ako bago sa paghahanap ng pera, ngunit ang nahahawakan ko noong panahong iyon ay mas malaki na sa dati. They also taught me how to read, write, and speak in English. And when I mastered that language, it was easy for me to understand how the ordinary world works.
But the fear remained. Even when I was fifteen, it never vanished.
Paano kung may isang laro sila na matalo ako? Hindi sa akin ang mga bagay na ito kaya pwede lang nila itong bawiin. If they ever get bored of my gameplay or someone better appears, I'd go back to the cold and lonely streets again. No one would believe me if I ever tell my side of the story, dahil multo lamang ako sa lugar na ito.
"What are you doing?" that same boy once asked when he visited my apartment.
Nasa kaligatnaan ako sa panunuod ng mga game videos nang magpakita siya. I was trying to master all the game techniques and reading all possible game genres. I was also observing the rising gamers, in case they ever participate in our competitions. Kailangan kong malaman ang weaknesses at strengths nila.
"Researching." tanging sagot ko.
He hummed, brushing a strand of my hair back. "Magpapatuloy ka pa ba sa pagiging puppet nila?"
Napatigil ako sa pagtipa. He inched closer and changed the tab to the gaming squad I joined. He scrolled the page down, pointing out the pictures and achievements that held no credits for me.
"I introduced you to him because you had a future out of the streets. Kumikinang ang mata mo nang una kong ipakita sa'yo ang laro at may natural kang talento sa mga ganito. You think critically and fast and your experiences have helped you a lot." he placed his head on my shoulder and I could feel him pout. "But, Marcella, I never dreamed you'd be anyone's shadow."
Marcella. The name he gave me when I left my past. He said it seemed war-like and I fit that description. Iniba niya rin ang 'Mai' na naging pangalan ko ng ilang taon, adding an 'a' to it because it means brave, he said. Kaya naman sa ngayon ay may pangalan na ako at iyon ay ang 'Marcella Maia'. For the surname, he gave me his.
"Wala akong choice. If I leave, I'll lose this." hinarap ko siya. "I'd rather be a shadow who can eat three times a day, than a beggar who feds on a scrap of bread per week."
Ngumiti siya't hinimas ang mukha ko. "Don't worry. I'll handle this."
Those were his last words before he disappeared. Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin alam kung saan siya nagpunta, pero may kutob ako na may kinalaman siya sa pagka-aksidente ng squad na kinabibilangan ko. Fortunately, they didn't die but their injuries made them quit gaming. Dahil sa hindi naman talaga sila importante bukod sa pagiging mukha, the manager and owner of the game organization the squad was under gave me a chance.
"You're Marcella, right? Ang sekreto sa mga panalo ng squad na iyon?" the owner asked when I was ordered to visit him.
I slowly nodded.
"I know your condition with the manager too. Siya ang tumulong sa'yo na makaalis sa lansangan 'di ba?"
Tumango muli ako. He was the older man that accompanied the boy back then. Siya rin ang nag-offer sa'kin na ibigay ang skills ko kapalit ng bahay at pagkain.
"Then, I offer this to you one more time. Play and win every game. But this time, you will be the one showing yourself to the world. You will be the one streaming."
That was how Marcella Maia, the queen of games, was created. Siyempre, hindi ko tinanggihan ang offer na ganoon, dahil alam ko ring mawawala ang lahat sa'kin kapag humindi ako.
I pursued and thrive in the gaming society. I built my name with the help of my excellent gaming skills and company reputation. Before I could blink, I was already known. My streams get more than a million views and money flooded in my bank account. Paminsan-minsan ay bumabalik ako sa lansangan para hanapin ang mga nakasama ko noon at tumulong. I also keep an eye out for that boy... but I never did saw him again.
It was amazing. It was alright. I was named queen and I got what I wanted. Hindi lang fast-food chain ang kinakainan ko kundi mga five-star restaurant na rin. Hindi lang burger ang nakakain ko at sa halip nakalinya na ang paborito kong pagkain. I was seen, heard, admired.
I had everything.
Until... that name came up. Until that bird flew up and changed the ranks.
"Sir, I mean, kilala pa rin naman po ako. I still have the most followed accounts and I have the same views as her. I'm still one of the hot topics in the forum and I never lost a competition-"
"Dahil hindi siya sumasali! But have you seen the articles, Marcella? They say na if that Sparrow ever enters the arena, you don't have any chance!"
Mas lalo akong yumuko sa opisina ng manager ko. Sobrang sakit na ng tuhod ko sa ilang oras na pagluhod pero ininda ko ito. "I can take the rank back and I know that I can beat her! She just never enters the game I play so I can't show her."
"Kailangan mo talagang ipakita sa kaniya, okay?!" marahas niyang itinaas ang mukha ko. His grip on my chin was deadly tight. "May bagong game ang BBG at kailangan nila ng beta-testers. They're also inviting Sparrow so you should participate... and show her that you're the better gamer. Or else- alam mo na kung saan ka pupulutin."
Iwinasli niya ang mukha ko at lumabas. My heart was beating loudly due to the fear. I knew that threat. And even if I've established the money and image, even if I was known and seen, I was still nothing but a street pet that that company uses to their will.
But... seeing and fighting the Sparrow. How could I ever compare?
I had the strengths and the brain, yes. But I don't have that skills. I don't even have those loyal companions. The group of people that surrounded me against her were filled with selfish, immoral motives. And I knew that betraying each other is easy when it comes to these relationships.
Our first battle ended in a tie. The city results always shows her as the winner. She defeated me in the last city.
Nakakatawa lang.
I chuckled to myself seeing her blow up. Sparrow never says more than ten words, but look at her shouting in anger. It should be insulting to be slapped with my own, unreasonable actions, but I couldn't help but be tired.
Siguro, sadyang may mga maswerteng tao lang sa mundong ito at hindi ako parte no'n. Or maybe my luck had already diminished from all my wrongdoings. I may have deprived myself of blood sometimes, but I have also delivered a lot of deaths. Maraming beses na na hinayaan kong mamatay ang ibang manlalaro kahit na may kakayahan akong tumulong.
And she always helps, even if it's her enemy, even if it's hard for her. I guess, even without asking for a competition, she's already won, huh. Kaya siguro hindi nakikipaglaro si Finley sa laro ko, dahil wala ring kwenta ito.
The man earlier appeared again, disrupting the two of us. Malapit nang matapos ang timer. I only attacked Sparrow to prove a point or to have a last battle, but right now... I'm just too tired. Kahit nga sa pagod na ito ay mas lamang siya, because even if she's broken and at the tip of death, she fights.
Finn stumbled, slightly losing her balance. Napangiti ako. How ironic. Between the two of us, you're the one who's not falling easily.
I moved, grabbing the back of her shirt and moving past the rocks to get to the safe island. Ngunit mas mabilis ang paggiba ng mga bato sa'kin. I was three rocks away when everything crumbled, but I threw Finn towards the island and accepted the fall myself.
Dying here would be better than out there in the streets. At least, I'll die inside what I dreamed the most.
That borrowed life wasn't so bad too. I hope I saw him one last time though.
Maybe the moment that I opened my eyes in that garbage bin, my life has lost its meaning.
Ipinikit ko ang mga mata para hindi makita ang pagbitaw sa pangarap. It was frightening but death was never happy. I was replaying the events in my life when... I was suspended in air. Something stopped me from falling, and from the slightly visible but dark matter surrounding me, I didn't want to think about it.
A head peeked over the edge and I saw Finn. The sparrow who was supposed to be my rival. The threat to my life, here saving me for the first time.
"Can you... stop your magic for now?" she requested as she winced.
Hindi ko alam kung tatawa ba ako o iiyak, kaya tumango na lang ako at itinago ang sword dagger. I had a lot I wanted to say to her, but I kept it all to myself.
How many times have I threatened you? Damaged you? Broken you? Helped in the death of your friends? I am the worst person to ever live in this game and I can confirm it from the hostile gazes of your friend.
How stupid are you, Sparrow, for saving an enemy? Kung namatay man ako dito, hindi mo naman kasalanan 'yon. The timer went out so I died, that's it.
So why would you save me? I wanted to ask her that so badly.
Because truly, if anyone was in your shoes, if I was in your shoes, I wouldn't save me.
I'd let myself fall to the abyss where I belonged.
-chapter end-
Marcella's older than Finn :DD