I now understood why childbirth was described as the worst pain imaginable. That's because it was.
My contractions felt as though someone handed my unborn baby a gun and he was trying to shoot his way out from the inside. They had started to increase in frequency and I would topple over in pain as I waited for it to pass.
Paul was a great help, though. At least, as helpful as he could be. He was quick to fetch his mother, or more so screamed, and the village doctor came running in after her.
"I'm here for you," Paul consoled me, "we're going to get through this."
"We?" I exclaimed through my laboured breathing. I groaned in pain as another contraction hit me.
Paul squeezed my hand tightly. I was grateful for this as it helped distract me from my own pain, but I think the act was more for his benefit than it was for mine.
"Isn't it too early for me to be in labour?" I gasped, trying not to focus on the throbbing pain from below.
"There is no such thing as early or late," the doctor answered, "babies will come on their own time, dear. But the spice will accelerate the maturation of the fetus, which may be your case."
"Everything will be alright Ophelia." Lady Jessica comforted from my side. She was still dressed in her night attire, clearly having come straight from bed.
My eyes found Paul's again and he was looking at me with such intensity I couldn't read his emotions well. I supposed it was a mix of angst, fear, and anticipation.
"You'll be here the whole time?" I asked him, squeezing his hand tighter.
He squeezed my hand in response. "I'm not going anywhere."
The birth passed smoothly but with significant pain and cramping. I likely woke anyone within a mile radius of us with my agonizing screams. At first I couldn't get over the pain that my body was pulsating. I knew Paul was speaking to me, likely words of encouragement, but I couldn't hear his voice. The only thing on my mind was how I was going to survive through this intolerable torment. That is, until the doctor sat up with my baby in her hands.
I stared at the small little thing and I could have sworn I stopped breathing. I finally understood why anyone would endure something so painfully traumatic. It was for this moment.
He was beautiful. Not physically, because physically he looked disgusting having just been pushed from my insides. But the sight of him, knowing he was the product of something my body spent months nurturing, I felt an unknown emotion come over me. It felt as though the world stopped spinning and he was at the centre.
My intuition was confirmed when Jessica peered over the head of the doctor, her face melting at the sight. "It's a boy!"
I let out a painful laugh and realized my cheeks were wet with tears. Why was I crying? Was this normal?
Another look at the small thing and I felt the water pooling in my eyes. I held my breath as the doctor offered him to me. I accepted, eager but hesitant. I had no idea how to hold an infant. What if I did it wrong? What if I hurt him?
But the instant he was in my arms, everything felt natural. My one arm supported his body, the other holding his neck. It felt as though him and I were where we needed to be, nothing else could further complete this moment as I stared at the child in my arms.
I heard Paul suck in a breath. I turned my head to see him staring with wide eyes, mesmerized at the infant. I had never seen such vulnerability from him but I admired it. Loved him for it, even. I was certain I held the exact same expression.
Paul turned his attention from our baby to me, his eyes softening more than I thought possible. He gently took my face in his hands and kissed me on my lips. Pulling back, I couldn't help but smile at his face.
"Lia, you were incredible." They way he stared at me made me feel warm, as if I was I had just gifted him the greatest treasure in the world. If it wasn't for the fact I had just given birth I might have been embarrassed his mother was in the same room.
I looked back down at the baby in my arms and was hit with the hard realization that this child was mine. Mine and Paul's. I had told myself I had already come to term with the fact I was to be a mother, but sitting here right now that idea felt very much lost in translation.
There was no way this baby was mine, right? I was so young, I had so much I wanted for myself. I felt as though maybe I was the cool aunt who loved this child dearly but obviously held no responsibility over it.
But that was not the case, I was not the cool aunt. I was the mom. I am a mom. From this point onwards anything I did would be with him. With Paul. As a family. I no longer held an independent thought, aspiration, or action.
But as I stared at my baby and he stared back at me, in this moment I knew I couldn't feel anything but enchanted. It didn't matter if the rest of my life would be spent caring and loving this child because that's all I wanted to do. I had never felt such a strong desire to love and protect something until now.
"What do I call you?" I whispered to him as gave him my finger to hold. I realized now Paul and I had never discussed names.
"Leto." Paul whispered, bringing his face closer to his child. He nudged him with his nose, earning a small cooing sound from the baby.
"Leto." I repeated, staring at the pair as they played with each other.
Paul met my eye, his expression hesitant. "Is that ok? Do you like that?"
I nodded, smiling at him. "I love it."
Paul grinned, returning his attention to baby Leto whose hand grabbed at Paul's face.
I loved that we could honour Paul's late father while simultaneously honouring the Atreides legacy. I was certain that if his father were here now, he would be grateful. Everything about the name just felt right.
Leto's eyes were a bright blue, much bluer than either mine or Paul. It was similar to the Fremen who occupied the desert. This was likely due to my melange spice diet for the past few months since his conception, the only thing my body could feed him.
"Leto." Jessica breathed from over my shoulder. I was suddenly made aware of her presence and shifted my body so that she could face her descendant.
"This is your grandmother," I whispered to the child as Jessica crouched beside the cot, "say hello." Leto diverted his attention from his father and to the new face on his other side, staring intently.
"He's beautiful." She sighed as she admired the infant. "He looks just like Leto."
The Lady Jessica held out her hand to the child hesitantly as if she were afraid her touch would break him. She flinched when grabbed hold of her finger, but quickly relaxed.
"His grip is so strong." She commented, staring at him in awe.
"I know." I agreed and exchanged a knowingly look with Paul. "It's incredible."
She finally pulled away to regain her composure, wiping her hands on her tunic. "Would you like me to find Gurney?"
I shook my head. "No, that's okay. Let him sleep. I'll find him in the morning." I looked down at baby Leto, wanting nothing but to stay close to him for the night.
The Reverend Mother took this as her sign to leave. She said her goodbyes and found her leave just behind the doctor who instructed us on how to care for our baby for the next few weeks.
Once we were alone I was finally able to give baby Leto my full attention. It felt odd to think only minutes ago he was inside me, but now here we was out in the open air. I wondered if he felt cold? Was he confused?
"I can't believe this," Paul whispered to me as we both stared at the baby we shared together, "I can't believe any of this."
"Me neither." I agreed. "I don't know what I'm supposed to think or do."
"We're parents?" He asked aloud, to no one in particular. "That doesn't sound right."
"Yet it feels so right." I nodded, melting at the touch of my child.
The two of us sat quietly as we played with our new shared infant. The only sounds that could be heard were Leto's little coos and gurgles in response to our playful touch. He soon fell silent as he slept, faster than I had expected.
I held him in my arms not wanting to put him down just yet. I was afraid that if I let go of him too soon then maybe something would break him when I wasn't paying attention.
"I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight." I whispered.
I felt his gentle lips press against the back of my head. "We'll stay awake together then."
I leaned my head back and rested myself against Paul as he held me from behind. If someone told me this is where I would be a year ago, I wouldn't have believed them. I moved planets, almost married a Harkonnen, became a fugitive, gave birth, the list goes on.
"Thank you." He told me. "For giving me a child."
"Thank you for forgiving me." I answered.
"We both did things we could have done differently," he whispered against my hair, "but none of them would bring me to where we are right here, right now. For that reason I wouldn't change anything."
I couldn't help but agree with him. I turned my head to face him and I felt something warm reach my heart as I stared at the dark haired boy beside me I had known my whole life, except this time we weren't children anymore. This time we were living in the real world.
I could have sworn I saw a sparkle in his eye. "Every time I look at you, I swear you just get more and more beautiful."
I rolled my eyes. "I just gave birth. I'm sweaty and gross."
"And you still make me weak."
He pressed his mouth to the side of my head, kissing my temple. I tried to ignore the smile I knew he was trying to hold back.
"You know," he continued, "I used to think that girls were meant to make me feel funny. Like, weird in the head, weak in the knees, butterflies in the stomach, that kind of thing." His body shook slightly in laughter. "I thought that was just my biology and innate reflexes reacting to the presence of a girl. It wasn't until a few years ago when my dad would take me to visit other officers of the Imperium and I'd meet their daughters that I realized they didn't make me feel like that. None of them did. The only time I ever felt funny like that was when I was with you."
He shifted against me carefully, adjusting his arms so that he could cradle both me and Leto at the same time. "I think I tried really hard to ignore it all because I thought I was supposed to see you as a sister," he continued, "but I guess eventually I stopped caring. I was too obsessed with you to care. You were an amazing fighter, an intelligent woman. Everything about you," he shook his head, " every part of you drew me in."
I could feel the blood rush to me cheeks and I looked away, trying to avoid his gaze. "I mean, I was the only girl you ever really knew growing up, it could have been anyone else."
"But that's how I knew you so well." He gently grabbed my chin to force me to look at him. "I knew that there was no one else out there that was as good for me as you. No one else could even compete. I realized I loved you for a very long time even if I couldn't admit it to myself. And god, if I loved you then, then I have no words to describe what I feel for you now."
If I could blush any harder then I did. I tried to focus my attention on Leto as he slept, not wanting to let my embarrassment show. "You flatter me too much."
"No," Paul shook his head and smiled, leaning his forehead to mine, "never. Lia, every single part of me belongs to you. All of it. I am completely and entirely yours."
His breath hit my face and shivered under his touch. I wish someday I'd be able to understand how someone could make me feel the way he did, but for now that was a mystery for another day.
"I love you." I breathed against him.
"And my heart is yours." He answered before kissing me fiercely.
I felt the passion and love against his touch, but he was careful enough as to not wake our baby. I smiled against his lips, relishing the family we created together and the love he made me feel. I didn't need Giedi Prime or Arrakeen for security. I didn't even need Caladan for comfort because I found it in Paul. He was my forever home. Our love was young, but him and I were timeless.
***
hi guys! sorry i didn't upload yesterday, i got so tired. i don't know what's with me and my messed up sleep schedule because i keep waking up late, i woke up at 4pm today and i hate it lol because now its 5am and i still can't sleep. im going to force myself up by 12pm at least and try to fix my sleep schedule.
how have you guys been though? anything interesting in your lives? crazy stories?
i'm so excited because a manuscript i co-author has finally been submitted for peer review!! its one of the two i've worked on this year, but it's the first step in getting published. i can't wait to find my name in pubmed lol that would be sick
anyway, let me know your thoughts! what do we think of this chapter so far? how do we think the story could progress from here? ;)
with love,
via <3