You weren't sure how to feel. You were confused and upset and angry. And at the end of the day, Harry storming out of the house only felt like it confirmed your fears: he would leave.
He did, right?
He left, even if he came back and shut himself in his office. He left, even if he popped out only when Jane cried, before you could wave him off and say you could handle whatever it was and didn't need his help.
But the bottom line was that your emotions came out and that scared him away. You tried to hold it back and you tried to avoid the conversation because no matter how hard you tried, you didn't see a world where the ending of that scene would look any different.
A few days later and things had settled down, he cooled off and you gave each other enough space when you passed in the hallway or sat on the couch at night and watched the news. Things felt tense inside the house and outside, too.
Which is why, four days later, you were sat uncomfortably in a chair next to Glenne in some restaurant in Hollywood.
"This is the most uncomfortable thing I've ever done."
"Oh stop," she waved you off, a full 180 from the Glenne you once knew.
She didn't seem to completely understand what you were saying. Your eyes trailed down the table, Lexi was busy chatting with a girl you'd met a few times. The band was there, Jeff, other faces and names that offered hugs and hellos as if you'd been around the whole time.
But that wasn't what made you uncomfortable.
"Oh," Glenne's mouth set in a firm line when she saw what you saw. She leaned in and let her voice drop lower. "She worked on the album, I think, helped write a song or two."
"I don't care," you lied, picked up the drink in front of you and took a sip through the black straw. Another gulp, maybe you could ease the knots in your stomach with more alcohol.
He'd been nice leading up to this, said he liked your dress when you sat awkwardly in the car on the drive here. He got Jane bathed and dressed when you got ready, passed her off to your mom for the night after she made the drive down from Santa Paula.
But his arm was slung around the back of her chair now, he nodded and smiled when she said something funny, leaned in to hear her over the noise of the restaurant as if they were old friends.
Glenne sipped her own drink, kept her eyes focused on the two of them, just like you. "She's nice, she's not someone you need to worry about."
"It's fine," you shrugged, hopefully more convincing this time. "We're not together–he can do what he wants."
She turned to look at you, her eyebrows arched when she held her straw between her fingers and took a pull. "Right," she laughed.
"I mean it, Glenne."
"What do you mean?" Jeff materialized behind you both, pulled out his chair on the other side of his girlfriend and rejoined the table.
"Y/N's just going on about how her and Harry aren't together," Glenne looked up at Jeff, offered him a sweet smile when he bent down to kiss her on the head.
Jeff laughed at this, smiled over at you and placed his napkin on his lap. "But like, you're not not together, right?"
"We're just not together. One 'not.' It's not a thing."
They both looked at you, straight-faced and expectant, like suddenly you'd let out a laugh and admit this was all a silly joke. "What?" You asked.
"Nothing," Jeff shrugged. "Just, I thought things were going well."
"Oh my god," you rolled your eyes at his words, thankful to feel more comfortable having an honest conversation with both of them. "Things can be going well and that still doesn't mean we're together."
"Yeah, but, things were, like, all sweet and cute after she was born and–"
You cut Jeff off, held up a hand to avoid having the same conversation with Glenne from the other night. "Our focus is Jane."
He nodded, shrugged as if to imply that yes, of course it was.
Somehow, miraculously, Lexi decided it was time to hop into the conversation, too. She turned around beside you, smiled when she saw that you'd all been congregating right beside her. With a grin on her face; "hi, what's up?"
"Y/N and Harry are being weird again," Jeff laughed a little before you offered him a narrowed glare.
"What? Why?" Lexi pulled her head back as if this was the craziest thing she'd ever heard.
"Since when do all of you like to team up against me? Didn't all of you used to think that this was a bad idea?"
"Not me," Lexi held her hands up to show innocence.
"Okay, fine," you corrected. "You two did, though."
Jeff and Glenne looked at each other and smiled a bit. Maybe the alcohol had gotten to them. Maybe everyone was just relaxed and enjoying the birthday celebrations.
"Opinions change," was all Jeff offered.
You rolled your eyes. "Okay, well, mine hasn't. It's not happening."
"Because you're afraid?" Lexi's words caught you off guard. You turned to eye her, gave some sort of we're not doing this here look.
"Stop," was all you said.
"What?" She laughed. "You know I'm right."
"Let's just not."
"Oh come on, Y/N. I love you, but you're getting in your own way."
You picked up your drink and took a sip, hoping that it'd be enough of an excuse to relieve you of having to answer.
Jeff offered a hesitant smile, like it pained him to admit it: "she's right."
"This is not a good place for us to have this conversation," you said, their suddenly strong opinions crashed over you like a tidal wave. What happened to not letting things get messy? What happened to following the rules like they'd wanted and staying out of trouble?
Lexi mowed over your statement. "You're afraid, which is fine, but don't make us pretend that we don't see through it."
"Alright, I'm not doing this." You pushed your seat back from the table to leave.
"Doing what?" Lexi asked, more frustrated with you.
"Lexi," Glenne reached out a hand to settle her. "Let it go."
"Oh so I'm the only one who can be honest with her?"
"Being honest isn't license to be a dick," you said.
She rolled her eyes at that and let her hands drop to her lap. "Fine, whatever."
You reached for your purse and offered Glenne and Jeff a smile. "I'll see you guys later."
They didn't chase after you, they let you slip out to the parking lot, call an uber, and stand there by yourself atop the asphalt and hurt feelings.
As if Lexi hadn't been enough, Harry stepped out to the hidden back alley after a few minutes.
"Hi," he said, looking you up and down. "Y'heading out?"
"Yeah," you offered a smile. "I'm just tired, but, I'm fine."
Quiet for a second when he hesitated, unsure if he should let you go and unsure if he had the right to stop you. "I saw your mom's text."
"Yeah, she's been asleep for a while, no issues."
"S'good."
"Yeah."
A pause in the night air, he shifted his weight on his feet and for a second, you thought he'd ask you to stay.
"You don't have to wait here with me," you told him, clicked your phone to life to see the driver's ETA. "I called an uber, should be here in three minutes."
He nodded, shoved his hands in his pockets. "Okay, yeah, I'll see you in the morning?"
"Yep," you nodded, smiled when he turned on his heel and let the door to the swanky restaurant close behind him. He was already gone, but you whispered it anyway. "Happy birthday."
**
He said he loved the goofy apron you bought him, simple and blue, the word DAD was etched on the front. You signed the card from both of you, left it on the counter that night when you got home. He found it sometime when he keyed in late and brought it up the next day.
But it wasn't as awkward as walking into the tiny room somewhere in Burbank a almost two weeks later. Jane was in the carseat on the floor and a woman with short brown hair smiled after you handed her back the paperwork you signed.
"So–you said on the phone that you've been struggling with anxiety?"
You gave her an unsure nod, shouldn't she be telling you whether or not that was the case?
"And who's this?"
"Jane–she should sleep the whole time, I think."
She smiled. Cassie, a therapist who's profile came up when Glenne lovingly sent you the link to a website search for therapists. She was young enough, smiled down at Jane and sat back in her chair once she set the clipboard on her desk behind her.
"How old is she?"
"Six weeks."
She held a hand to her heart and smiled. "How's that been going?"
You told her about the start of it all, that night at Harry's and the anxiety that settled in your bones in the Facebook bathroom when you saw the first tiny plus sign. She managed to keep a straight face when you name dropped Jane's father, a good sign. Or maybe she thought you were crazy and making it up. Either way, you spent the first session just catching her up on the last nine months.
Before that, your life had been quiet. Sure, maybe some unresolved feelings around your parents or tough times in high school like the rest of the world. But whatever lurked beneath the surface had never been shaken up so much until now, like a snowglobe knocked from its shelf, typically settled pieces now swirling in the air around you with no hope of slowing down.
The second session the next week was similar, but that's when she pushed a little harder.
"But things are totally fine with Harry?"
You nodded. "Yeah–I mean, like I told you last week things were kind of messy for a bit, but they're fine now."
"You mentioned that you fought with him recently?"
This time Jane wasn't there to be a distraction. You lied this morning and told Harry you were meeting Lexi for a coffee, but the truth was that you hadn't spoken to her since his birthday. He promised he'd take her for a walk and put on a new onesie if she threw up on herself. Leaving her was easier now, he seemed more confident in his ability to handle the things that might go wrong.
But now you wished she was buckled in beside you, an excuse to change the topic or leave the room to change her diaper.
"I guess we fought–he was upset, I was upset."
"What did you fight about?
"He uh–I guess he thinks we could be good together."
"And you don't?"
You shrugged, took a breath and looked around the room. How were you supposed to explain your thoughts to a woman you'd met twice? "I don't know."
She eyed you for a minute, the small smile on her face let you know she wanted more.
"I do have feelings for him, I guess."
"You do?"
Another hesitant nod. "I think just cause of Jane, though."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, at first I swore it was just the hormones and you know–feeling like we had some weird bond."
She smiled a little, understanding and encouraging. "You do have a bond."
"I know, but–I just mean at first it felt like there was something there."
"But it doesn't now?"
You dropped her gaze at that. No–it wasn't not there. "I guess my thought process is that it's just too risky now."
"What is?"
"Being with him, like, as a couple."
"How so?"
You sighed–the questions were fair but you already felt exhausted.
"None of this was planned–for a while it felt like he was only being nice to me cause he got me knocked up. He kind of had to be nice to me."
"Do you really think that's true? Do you think he would do that?"
"He's a nice person," you shrugged.
"But do you think he would ask you to move in and spend so much time with you and your family if he didn't actually want to do those things?"
"I mean–no, I guess I only thought that for the first few weeks."
She nodded thoughtfully, waited to see if you'd add any more. When you didn't, she parted her lips to speak. "When did you realize he wasn't just being nice to be nice?"
You thought back on the months you'd spent with him. The time you went to the beach and had a picnic, the nights at his house when he'd make dinner and when the panic that lurked in your tummy about the future felt like it had vanished.
"I guess when we started spending more time together and I actually got to know him."
Another nod. "So you were nervous at first, which makes sense to me. Do you still fear that that's true?"
You already had the answer, it sat on your tongue and felt like it'd spill out any second. You glanced around the room, out the window to the sunny streets and wondered what would change if you admitted it.
"I know he won't leave. I know he won't just up and never speak to me–to us–again."
She waited for you to say more.
"But why would he want to be with me? Why–out of all the people he could be with–would he pick the girl who got pregnant with his kid?"
She challenged this, a slight smirk on her face. "He might actually have feelings for you, you know."
You made a face, shifted in your seat as if to send the message that it was impossible.
"Why is that so hard to believe?" Her words were quiet, a sudden shift in the air in the room as if in any second, rain would pour from the ceiling or a wind would sweep her papers off the desk in the corner. Like everything in the world was hinging on the secret about to fall from your lips.
"People don't stay in my life."
She frowned at that, aware that she'd actually gotten something out of you now.
"Like who?"
"My last boyfriend, my dad–" the tears that welled in your eyes cut you off, you swallowed the emotion and wiped quickly, embarrassed to be crying in front of someone you'd only met twice.
"You said your parents got divorced when you were little?"
You nodded. "I don't want Jane to grow up like I did."
"Who says she will?"
"I don't know," you shrugged. "But if him and I are together–if I let that happen–then he can leave, but he can't leave me and hurt me or us if we're not together."
She tilted her head to the side. "Yes he can."
"What?"
"Whether you're actually in a relationship with him or not won't change the emotions you have for him. It'll still hurt if he leaves or backs out, even if you're not romantically involved."
You stared at her for a second, confused by her bluntness. Weren't therapists supposed to make you feel better?
"I guess."
She could read the look on your face and offered a small smile. "I'm not trying to freak you out–it just seems like you already love him, so it sounds like it would hurt either way."
You didn't reply. You took in a shaky breath of air when you tried to wipe at your cheeks and gain composure.
"It makes a lot of sense that you don't want the same thing to happen to Jane, but you've been telling yourself that it will when you don't know that. Sometimes when we try to avoid the past really hard we just recreate it."
**
You took a few days to let it all sink in. You folded laundry and changed diapers and you took Jane on a walk near the beach with sunglasses and a hat. You never imagined that you'd need a disguise, too.
You'd settled back into a routine of climbing the stairs separately, his footsteps down the hall felt more weighted now with the insight you'd discovered in Cassie's office.
You tried to take space, not get too overwhelmed by the growing knowledge that you loved him, hopelessly and helplessly. You tried to tuck it away in a drawer beneath your sweaters, like somehow if you kept it out of sight it wasn't true.
But the world didn't want to make it so easy.
Your mom called and reminded that your upcoming birthday was the perfect excuse to have another party–one that more of your family could come to, a bigger and more public event than the quiet shower you'd kept under wraps.
They were dying to meet Jane and she was dying to show off her granddaughter to the rest of the family and her friends back home. When you floated the idea to Harry of bringing Jane home with you for a long weekend, his brows furrowed.
"Without me?"
Jane was strapped to his chest at the kitchen counter, he was obsessed with the new wrap you'd gotten online and now he barely took it off. She kicked her legs against his abdomen.
"I mean–I figured we'd just get out of your hair for a while, some space–" you trailed off.
He let out a huff of air and dropped your gaze. "You don't have to do that."
"I know, I just–"
"But you're doing it anyway?"
"Do you really not want me to go see my own family for my birthday?"
"Why can't I come?"
"I didn't know you'd want to," you eyed him skeptically, smiled at Jane when she made eye contact with you and then started to whine.
"I mean, yeah," he said it quietly. "I'd like to."
He offered to drive and a week later you were leaning into the backseat to adjust the toy rattle that hung from Jane's car seat when he changed lanes on the 101. You'd already briefed him on the players: Aunt Lisa and uncle Melvin. Aunt Melissa and Uncle Mike. Your cousins Cassie, Eric and his boyfriend Tim, Shayna. Cousin Ryan and his wife Sam, their daughter Paige. Your mom's best friend Tammy and her husband Bill. Their son, Luke.
"I'll never remember all these people."
"I don't expect you to," you laughed a little. "All you need to know is that Ryan and Sam are super sweet, everyone else is fine. Uncle Mel is a little too Republican for my taste, but, that's just me. Oh, and Luke was my high school boyfriend. So some people might make comments about that, but it's fine."
He looked over to you from behind his sunglasses. "What do you mean?"
You shrugged. "We dated–we were like, sixteen."
"How long did you date for?"
"I don't know, like almost three years?"
"Almost three years?!"
"It was forever ago," you tried to downplay it. You didn't expect the reaction he gave.
"Well, yeah, but–did you–"
"Yes," you cut him off, waved a hand in his direction to get out in front of it. "I lost my virginity to him."
He lifted his eyebrows at that, shifted in the driver's seat and kept his eyes on the road.
"Why does that matter?"
"It doesn't," he said, a shrug of his shoulders and a quick glance in the rearview mirror to see Jane. "Was just curious."
You stared at the white lines on the road, watched as they blurred together when he accelerated on the gas. It was only an hour drive, you were there before noon and right in time for Jane to have another bottle.
He was happy to greet everyone who was already there–just a few aunts and cousins who decided they'd help set up platters of food and bowls of juice before the rest of the crew arrived. They fussed over Jane, passed her around and tickled her cheeks, but Harry kept a close eye on whoever had her.
When more people showed up you were whisked away again, hugging cousins you hadn't seen in ages and trying desperately to not sound like a fool for getting knocked up by a celebrity. Your cousin Carrie didn't seem to think it was all that bad.
"Not the worst thing in the world, though, right?"
You gave her a knowing look, fought the smile on your face when she elbowed you in the ribs. Carrie was closest to your age, only a year older and always so much cooler than you were growing up.
"Come on, Y/N, he looks pretty good with a baby on his chest."
"He's been great with her so far," you admitted. "I'm just trying to stay sane and deal with turning twenty-six."
"Must be so hard," your aunt Lisa pulled you in for a hug when she appeared behind you. "Dealing with a handsome man and a beautiful baby."
You rolled your eyes at her teasing, hugged your uncle and let out a sigh. "I'm managing, but, you know, it's been a wild year."
"And you've handled it beautifully," your mom chimed in, dropping off a cake on the table in the backyard. She kissed you on the cheek, "help me inside for a minute!"
You followed behind her, promised to come tell Carrie more of the_ dirty details_, as she put it. But the kitchen inside was quiet, your mom pulled out more serving dishes from the fridge and handed them to you when she spoke.
"Have you talked to him at all?"
You'd been watching him out the window, he tugged at Jane's toes while she sat, happily, in your uncle Melvin's arms. When you pulled your eyes over to hers, she eyed you suspiciously.
"No."
"Are you going to?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, honey," she rolled her eyes and let out a short laugh, shutting the fridge and taking inventory of the dishes she'd made. "I know you're not sleeping all that much, but, I'm not that stupid."
You sighed, held the bowl of pasta salad in your arms. "Not yet. Not now."
"Sweetie," she placed a hand on your shoulder and offered a look of sympathy. "You know what they say. He who hesitates is lost."
"What?"
"Don't waste your time," she shrugged, her gaze immediately going back to food she still wanted to bring outside. Her attention was pulled away by commotion outside, another arrival of family who'd yet to meet your daughter.
And maybe she had a point, but you weren't wasting time. Your time was spent standing over his shoulder as he learned how to change diapers. Sitting on the edge of the bed in the middle of the night when she wouldn't stop crying. Thumbing through pages of parenting books or calling your mom instead of ripping out your hair.
Pediatrician appointments and dodging the cameras that seemed to point your way when you stepped out of the fortress on the hill.
And most importantly, protecting your daughter from the same heartbreak you felt your whole life: the one that comes along with a father who's nowhere to be found.
**
You hadn't expected the party to last so long, but the sun started to set and people still loitered around the backyard.
Things quieted down though after dinner, your mom opened another bottle of wine with her sisters and Harry sat at the table with a beer in his hand as he listened to Eric and Tim recount their amazing vacation in Aruba. Jane was on his lap, getting fussier by the second after her evening feed.
You'd avoided it so far, a quick hello and minimal interaction, if only to save yourself an awkward conversation later that night. But when Luke sat down at the empty seat beside you–and directly across from Harry–you knew the night was about to get more interesting.
"So Luke, Y/N told me you two have known each other for a long time," Harry shifted his attention over to you, a small smile on his face when you locked eyes.
Luke nodded, sipped at his own beer. "Yeah, God, we met when we were in seventh grade?"
"Yep," you confirmed, a quick nod. "Do you want me to take Jane inside?"
"No," Harry shook his head. She looked up at him with big blue eyes and then over at you when he smiled down at her. "She's fine. And you two dated, right?"
"Yeah," Luke laughed, smiling in your direction. "We spent a lot of time together in high school."
"I heard," Harry offered a quick chuckle, you tried to send a message with the narrowing of your eyes.
"What a throwback," you said sarcastically.
"What is?" your mom was suddenly interested from the other end of the table, a tipsy smile on her face as she pushed up the sleeves of her sweatshirt she'd tossed on at the end of the night.
You and Luke spoke at the same time, but your mumbled nothing didn't sound as convincing as his answer: me and Y/N dating in high school.
Your mom smiled and held a hand to her chest, which made Tammy suddenly tune into the conversation from a few feet away as she chatted with Carrie.
This made Harry more annoyed, but he hid it well. No one else could tell, probably, but you knew the way his lip twitched and he itched his neck when he didn't like the way things were going.
"I'm gonna take Jane inside," you stood from the table and walked over to him with extended arms. Harry stood and set his beer on the table, I'll come with you.
Once you were alone inside, he started explaining before you could even give him a hard time.
"I'm not trying to be a dick–just getting to know everyone."
"By interrogating my high school boyfriend about our teenage relationship?"
He shut the door to the guest room and picked up Jane's diaper bag from the floor. "What else am I supposed to talk to him about?"
"I don't know–sports, music, anything."
He rolled his eyes and took out the portable diaper mat. You undid her onesie after you tugged her shorts down.
You held your hand out for a wipe. "You're a jealous person, aren't you?"
His brow furrowed, but he handed one over. "Never been told that before," he tried to keep a straight face, but a giggle escaped his lips.
"There's nothing between me and Luke," you promised, tossing the dirty wipe and diaper aside for him to dispose.
He handed you a clean one, picked up the travel-sized baby powder. "Yeah–I mean, you can do what you want, but–"
"I don't want anything with Luke."
You fastened the diaper around her hips despite the way she squirmed. He handed you the set of pjs you brought for her, found the swaddle in the bag and then sat on the edge of the bed.
"But you don't want anything with me, either."
You let a breath escape your lungs, long and deflated. You'd had enough anxiety about bringing Harry here. But now there was a lurking feeling of nervousness in you about whether or not you'd ruin Jane's sleep habits by interrupting her routine.
You wrapped Jane in her swaddle and picked her up, thankful for the heaviness of her eyelids when you started to rock her back and forth. "I don't know what I want."
You almost told him, laid it all out down the hall from your childhood room. But instead, he nodded, stood from the bed and opened his arms, a look of disappointment in his eyes. "I'll take her," he whispered. "Go spend time with your family."