Maya
September
Time moved fast and slowly at the same time. More than a month had passed since Katya left. And besides the doctor's calls, they hadn't heard a peep from her.
But it was easier now than in the first few weeks, especially now that Maya went to school again. They fell into a routine, and Natasha made sure to stay busy to not miss her wife as much. The house had never looked this clean, the grass got mowed and the cars washed more than necessary. Because if she let herself stop and relax, the homesickness would overwhelm her, and she'd realize how empty the house was.
With fall came colder weather, more rain, and literal darkness. Not a motivator to get out of bed in the morning and be productive. The only reason Natasha didn't stay in bed all day, was because Maya had to get driven to school. The McLaren, she had never touched. It wasn't hers. She drove the Audi, which she maneuvered around the covered-up supercar.
Natasha tried too hard sometimes, jumping onto the plans Maya made too enthusiastically, to make sure she had fun and wasn't in the empty house too often. Going home with Tess after soccer practice, sleeping over at Peter's, playdates with Mason - who she still claimed wasn't her boyfriend - long phone calls with Yelena.
And Maya never said anything about it when Natasha nodded and agreed to a question before all the words had left Maya's lips. Because it came from a good place. But it didn't feel right to leave her mom alone too often, so sometimes, Maya said no to someone before asking Natasha. Monopoly nights had to continue in some way.
But Natasha's head was a mess. She was very good at hiding her sadness, but whenever Maya passed her bedroom door at night, she could hear the quiet sniffles from the other side, her carefully-crafted facade falling away in the darkness.
Power - not always the good kind - had been in her hands her whole life. Power over people's lives, souls, entire countries and corporations. Natasha liked having control over situations, over her life. Liked to cancel out the variables that brought insecurity.
Because insecurity was uneasy. It made her feel restless to not know.
But nowadays, all she had was insecurity and powerlessness.
It had gotten better over the years, learning to let go, not stressing too much over things she couldn't control. But not knowing when she'd see Katya again, and how she was doing now, having a huge blind spot on the one person she cared for most in life, challenged her on a whole other level. A level Maya could feel, she struggled with.
Because the first week she had gone back to school, it was obvious Natasha's brain wasn't razor sharp like it always was. On Friday, at three, Maya walked out the front doors, chatting with a friend, looking up and fully expecting to see her mom lean against the side of their black Audi, arms crossed.
But a light blue SUV was parked in the spot instead, and a dad sat behind the wheel, drinking some Red Bull from a can.
Confused, she stopped in her tracks, looking left and right trying to find a head of red. But nope, no Natasha. Which was very unlike her. She was never late, and never forgot anything.
For minutes, Maya turned in her spot, walked back and forth on the sidewalk, until she remembered what Natasha once told her, and stayed in the same place, right in front of the doors. The first rule they taught her: if lost, don't walk around looking for us, we will come and find you.
''Maya, where's your mom?'' Mason had walked out of the building and stopped next to her.
''I don't know.'' She furrowed her eyebrows, standing on her toes to try and look over people's heads. She wasn't the tallest for her age. ''She's always on time.'' The thing is that she knew exactly why Natasha wasn't here.
''Maybe she's stuck in traffic?'' He tried to comfort her.
She shrugged, slipping her hands in the pockets of her summer jacket. ''Yeah, maybe.'' But Natasha always calculated in time for traffic jams, and made sure to leave at least fifteen minutes before she had to. Again: control.
''Maya. Hey. Who are you waiting for?'' Mason's dad, Paul, must have seen her frown, because he joined their small group on the sidewalk.
''My mom.'' She shrugged again, not too worried. Natasha would realize eventually and come pick her up. ''She should have been here fifteen minutes ago, and she's never late.''
''Natasha?'' She nodded and he smiled wider, realizing he could help. ''I still have her number. Do you want me to call her?''
Not really, but what choice did she have? If he didn't, maybe she'd be waiting another half hour. ''Yes, please.''
It took surprisingly long for Natasha to pick up her phone. ''Mrs Romanoff-Petrova? It's Paul, Mason's dad. Yes. I have your daughter here waiting for you, are you stuck in traffic?'' Maya could hear through the line that Natasha got caught off guard and scrambled for an answer. ''Ah, okay, I understand. Should I take her with us, and you can pick her up from our house? Okay, I'll see you then.'' He hung up, smiling at the happy news he could give Maya. Happy news in his eyes, at least. ''She got stuck in a meeting and forgot the time, so she'll pick you up from our house later today, if that's okay with you?''
Maya opened her mouth to reply that her mom didn't have work, or meetings, but shut it quickly. Natasha wouldn't want Paul to think she forgot about her daughter. And Maya didn't really care that she had forgotten once - it happens to the best of us - but the reason why made her sad.
Undoubtedly, Natasha had gotten stuck in her worries about Katya again, and in the process, forgot about something as simple as picking up her daughter from school. Just a fuzzy mind on overdrive, worrying about things she couldn't change.
So, Maya nodded and followed Paul to their Volkswagen, not too excited about having to socialize now that her mood had dropped. Luckily, Mason and his parents didn't notice anything, and they played with the Nintendo Switch until Natasha rushed into the house an hour later. It was obvious she left in a rush, an old hoodie on and her cheeks red, not at all how put-together and in-control she usually looked.
''I am so sorry. I lost complete track of time. It won't happen again,'' she apologized, guilt etched in her features. And Maya simply nodded in silence, already forgiven her. But she also knew someone had to intervene, to do something. Because this couldn't go on. Natasha would lose her mind if she kept going like this, trying to ignore it all. And Maya didn't want her mom to be this unhappy.
''We're doing fine.'' Maya heard her say to Tony that afternoon - who was at their home to install FRIDAY, finally. She had been on her way to the kitchen to steal something to eat and take it up to her room, when a voice coming from that exact same kitchen forced her to stop in the hallway, right around the corner.
Was it rude to eavesdrop? Yes. But she also wanted to hear how this conversation would advance.
''Then why are you dragging the kid into the city every single day, and are looking for a job, when you said you were retired and done with work?'' Tony's voice was light, but there was a worried tone underneath.
If it were anyone else than Tony, the words might've sounded dismissive, but he was worried about his friend. Not having Katya at home was taking a toll on Natasha, even though she tried her best to hide it from everyone.
''Just trying to stay busy, is all.'' She shrugged off his question easily, like the professional liar she was, and Maya dropped her gaze to her feet, sad that she wouldn't simply admit her struggles to her friend.
A silence followed, which was filled only by some rattling of equipment and pieces of technology.
''Just because she's the one struggling, doesn't mean you can't either. You don't have to pretend to be fine. I know you better than that, and Maya knows you better than that.'' He spoke very distracted, obviously multitasking. But the metal ladder he brought, creaked under his movement as he stepped down, and Maya could picture him throwing her mom a comforting look. ''Kat's tough, she's a fighter, she'll make it through. She's in good hands, you gotta trust her and have some faith in it.''
Natasha had crossed her arms over her chest, trying to act unbothered. ''I do trust her. Like I said, we're doing fine.''
''Okay. Alright.'' He gave up. Natasha was too stubborn, and the last thing he wanted was to fight. She was hurting and trying to cope, this being the way she chose how to, so he left it alone. She'd know where to find him if she wanted to talk. ''Kitchen's done.''
Maya's head shot up when footsteps grew louder. As quiet as possible, she spun around and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. And just in time, because they followed her up the stairs.
She dove on her bed, pulling a book on her crossed legs and continuing to flip through it slowly, right before a knock sounded on her door.
''Come in.'' Maya looked up when he walked into her bedroom, some devices and equipment in his hands to install FRIDAY in here as well. ''Hi Uncle Tony.'' She smiled, happy to see him again. He had visited once, a couple months ago. It was a real shame the barbecue got cancelled, because she loved meeting her moms' friends, especially because the heroes rarely got together. And Tony was one of her favorites, especially his humor.
''Ah, little Red, we meet again.'' He mumbled distracted but cheerful, looking at the ceiling to find the best places for his equipment. ''You'll be able to blast Blondie through the entire house, starting tonight.''
Surprised, she raised an eyebrow, her interest piqued as a knowing smile played on her lips. ''Blondie?''
''What? A fifty-something-year-old man can't be a Swiftie?'' He feigned offence, but he smiled as he dragged her desk chair to the corner of the room and stepped on it - rude. Maya chuckled at his theatrics. ''What'd you got there?'' He nodded to the book in her hands.
As if she had forgotten what she was holding, she looked down at it. ''A photo album. They made this for my birthday.''
Her tone had his hands stopping their work by the ceiling, and he looked over his shoulder to see the sad look on her face. ''I'm sorry kid, it's not easy when you have to miss a parent for long periods of time.''
''That sounds like you know how it is.''
He fumbled with the technology in his hands like it was the most interesting thing in the world. Natasha wasn't the only one who had trouble opening up. ''Yes, well, my dad was a businessman. Always gone from home. I know that's not the same, and I thought he didn't like me as much as your mom likes you, but the missing is still the same.'' He dared to glance at her, the kid who looked so much like his friend downstairs, despite not sharing DNA. ''Nat acts like everything is fine? My mom did that too.''
''I'm sorry that happened to you.'' She hadn't known about this, but the more she got to know these heroes, the more she realized how human they were, with their pain and family secrets.
''Nah, it's okay. I got to see my dad again in some weird, Back to the Future type way, and it changed a lot.'' He shrugged it off, smiling at the memory of that moment. But Maya frowned at his pop culture reference. ''It's an old movie where they go back in time,'' he explained, chuckling when he realized how that sounded. ''Man, I sound like Parker.''
Maya watched him intently when he returned to his work, having to stand on his toes on the chair to reach the corner of the ceiling. It was fascinating to see him in his element. ''What do you think I should do?''
Tony let out a sigh when he was done, stepping off the chair. ''Well, my parents were emotionally unavailable, but I know for a fact that Romanoff got soft and mushy inside. So I'd say go talk to her.'' He passed the bed when he dragged the chair to the other corner of the room, his eye catching a family photo in the album. His finger tapped it, drawing Maya's attention to it. ''You'll get this back, don't give up.''
~~~~~
Talking to Natasha took some nerve, some guts, because it would be confronting. Maya would have to say things Natasha didn't want to hear.
But the silence - the fairly uncomfortable silence - during dinner that same day, an hour after Tony left to go back to his family, is what pushed Maya to open her mouth. She had been staring at the picture on the wall behind Natasha for a while, Katya's smile greeting her, and she couldn't hold it in anymore.
''Mama? Can we talk?''
Surprised by the disruption of the silence, Natasha looked up from her plate. ''Of course.'' She smiled, completely oblivious as to what was coming. ''What did you want to talk about?''
Maya took a deep breath of courage and threw it out. ''Kat.'' She watched closely as Natasha's carefully composed facade wavered, and she had to swallow before speaking up so her smile wouldn't fade.
''What about her?''
''I miss her too, but you don't talk about her. Like she doesn't exist. And I really want to talk about it with you.'' Not once in the past weeks had her name fallen from Natasha's lips. Not once, like Katya had gone up in smoke. And that felt so wrong, especially when she was trying so hard to get better for her wife, and her daughter.
At the frustrated and stubborn frown on Maya's face, Natasha could see this sat deep. Which was a surprise, because she thought Maya hadn't noticed anything. In hindsight, she should have known her mood would get picked up.
''Okay. What do you want to talk about?''
''I don't know, but ignoring what's happening with her feels wrong.'' She shook her head, pushing her food around with her fork. She couldn't get herself to look up, afraid of what she'd find on Natasha's face. ''And you don't need to be happy all the time. You can show me you miss her, and your friends too.''
Natasha hung her shoulders. ''I'm sorry, honey. I thought talking about it would make you sad so I didn't. But maybe pretending like everything is fine, wasn't the best way to go.'' She gave a watery smile when Maya's eyes met hers. They were full of relief. ''You're right, I do miss her a lot. I want her to come home, but I need to have patience.''
Maya smiled carefully. ''Can we please stay home this weekend and do nothing?'' She almost pleaded, tired of getting dragged everywhere every weekend. ''Just you and me. And maybe we should make something for Mom?''
''That sounds like a plan.'' Natasha smiled, nodding, the guilt nibbling at her ribcage. ''Got any ideas for a gift?''
Maya perked up. ''Actually...'' She ran upstairs, snatched the photo album off the bed, and dropped it on the table in a way that made a point. Dinner? Completely forgotten about.
''A photo album?''
Maya hummed enthusiastically, climbing on her chair again. ''I was thinking, we could pick a couple of her favorites and frame them.''
''Or, even better...'' Natasha trailed off, squinting at the book. ''FRIDAY?''
''Yes, Mrs Romanoff-Petrova?''
''Can you play one of the videos Scott took at our wedding on the TV, please?'' She abandoned the kitchen and pushed the coffee table in the living room out of the way, creating an empty space. She nodded at the video that started on the TV. ''Create a three dimensional hologram from that in this room, taking me as the center point.''
Just in time, she took Maya's hand and pulled her back into her chest, so they stood huddled together in the center of the scene FRIDAY effortlessly created. It appeared around them, encased them entirely, as their living room disappeared and the small church in Russia took its place. No VR glasses necessary.
''Wow,'' Maya breathed, looking around in wonder, whereas Natasha had trouble pulling her eyes away from her old self and Katya in front of Sam, repeating the words he said.
''Yeah,'' she whispered through her smile, her hands on her daughter's shoulders. ''Welcome to Russia.''
Maya followed her line of sight to the women in white, her own smile growing when the ceremony was over and Natasha grabbed Katya's waist and kissed her deeply, pulling back to whisper something, and then kissing her again.
Natasha
One of the best days of their lives, playing right in front of her. Natasha wished she could have bottled the pure euphoria she felt that day, when Sam declared them wives. But this would have to do instead.
When the video ended - and with that the projection - Natasha cleared her throat and took a step backwards. ''So yeah, maybe we can do something with this?'' Slightly awkward, she waited for Maya's reaction, afraid this was too cheesy and maybe she'd make fun of her for it. But Maya's face lit up, and she nodded enthusiastically.
''A slideshow of memories she can watch if she feels sad? Or when she just wants to watch them?''
Relieved, Natasha breathed out, offering a careful smile. ''Yes?''
''I like it.'' She turned back to the TV. ''What more videos do you have? I want to see those too.''
Natasha chuckled at her enthusiasm, and felt herself grow excited to watch them too. ''FRIDAY, what is the first video you have of me and Kat?''
''The first video that includes both you and your wife is from April 8, 2009.''
Her face paled, smile fading away as her muscles locked in place. ''April 8? Are you sure?''
''Positive. It is from SHIELD archives, and inclu-''
''Yes, I know what it is, thank you,'' Natasha quickly interrupted, unsure if she'd want to share this with Maya. But it was too late. Her reaction had piqued the girl's interest.
With furrowed eyebrows, Maya looked up at her mom. ''Mama? What happened on that day?''
A deep breath escaped her when she plopped down on the edge of the couch, deciding to throw it out. ''On April 8th, 2009, I was sent to a small town in Serbia with Clint, a sniper, and one mission: take out a HYDRA agent on the run.'' Her daughter knew this story, so she didn't hold back on it. No, she was not proud of the things she had done, but Maya could handle this.
The couch dipped a bit when Maya sat next to her. ''Mom,'' she easily concluded. Yes, she had heard the story, but seeing part of it - the non-violent part - would be very interesting.
''Exactly.'' She sighed again, leaning backwards into the couch cushions. ''I didn't know the interrogation I had with her when I took her back to SHIELD was taped, but it makes sense.'' Of course, they wanted everything on tape. Proof, evidence, blackmail material.
Her frown didn't sit right with Maya. She didn't understand why her mom wasn't buzzing with excitement to rewatch the start of everything good. ''Why aren't you excited to see it? It was a good day, right?''
''I don't know if I should,'' she hesitated, tugging at her nails. ''We were both such different people. I didn't even recognize her.'' She had put that period of her life behind her a long time ago, instead focusing on the stable life she had now. Did she really want to go back and get reminded of it again?
''But that doesn't matter anymore, does it?''
Surprised by her intelligence once again, she flickered her eyes up to meet Maya's green ones. ''I guess you're right.'' She hoisted herself upright, sitting on the very edge of the couch to get a good look at the TV. ''You sure you want to watch it with me? I don't know if it is suited for you.'' After all, she did pick up Katya from a battlefield where she murdered a dozen people, and that would undoubtedly show up in one way or another, on top of the cold and hostile way she treated her in that interrogation room.
''Mama, I'm ten.''
With a raised eyebrow, Natasha turned at her, a laugh leaving her when she saw Maya's smug smile. ''That's not a valid argument at all. But if you're sure... Prepare for a very awkward re-meeting of your moms. FRIDAY, play it.''
The moment the footage popped on screen, Natasha's breath hitched. It really was the footage from that day, filmed from her perspective. But in no way was she prepared to be reminded how horrible and sad that day was too. Getting her childhood lover back overshadowed all the pain and loss shared in that interrogation room. But she saw it now, when 25-year-old Katya's face and upper body stared back at her.
''She looks so unhappy.'' Maya couldn't have worded it better. In that chair sat a woman so close to giving up, to falling off the deep end because of all the shit she went through. They saw it in her eyes, how broken they looked, which didn't suit her confident attitude at all.
Pale, blood splatters and dirt on her face and neck, circles under her usually bright blue eyes. She was a mere shadow of her true self.
And what Maya couldn't see in this video but Natasha knew, is that she was also in pain from the gunshot wound she gave her in her leg. Should a ten-year-old see this? Probably not. But Maya knew about the things they've done - generally speaking.
''Yeah, she really does,'' Natasha muttered absentmindedly. And she couldn't help but - with pain in her heart - link the woman on the video to the one fighting in a New York City psychiatric hospital right now.
But she also saw Katya light up, sitting up straighter, when her eyes shot to the door outside of the camera's screen. Back then, Natasha had been too occupied with herself to notice this, but now she smiled involuntarily at her wife's reaction. It still amazed her how one person could love her so much, and light up when she walked into the room, after years.
Her past self walked in front of the camera, pulled the chair backwards, and sat down. The camera looked over her shoulder, taping the way Katya's eyes followed her closely the entire time. They gleamed with something, a need to reach out maybe, to say something, but all she got from the redhead was a cold reaction and no recognition, so she decided against it.
A silence followed. One where a small smile grew on Katya's lips. ''You really don't remember me, do you?'' Natasha's smile grew, waiting for the inevitable, the one line that brought her world upside down, her heart skipped a beat when it followed. ''I thought people always remembered their first kiss.''
God, she would have paid hundreds to see the looks on Clint and Fury's faces right there. Did they know she was gay? Nope. Did they even know about Katya's existence? Absolutely not. So to learn she knew this brunette HYDRA agent and even made out with her one upon a time, that must have been one of the biggest surprises of their lives. Actually, she should ask Clint about that one time.
''Katariina?''
The Natasha in the video might be in shock, but the Natasha on the couch of her family home shook her head, laughing. It felt so misplaced that Maya looked at her in surprise. ''God, I was so in shock, I'm surprised I didn't fall of that chair.''
Katya smiled even wider. Actually, it was more of a smirk, a really happy one. ''It's just Katya now actually, but good to know you remember, Natalia.''
''FRIDAY, stop it here,'' Natasha called out, her heart pounding both because of how hot that was, and because this was so weird to see. Apologetically, she turned to Maya, who had question marks written all over her face. She had really hoped to see all of it. ''The rest isn't exactly happy or innocent stuff, and I think I should watch this together with Kat.''
Reluctantly, Maya nodded. Maybe this was more of a private thing. ''I have a question though.'' She smiled mischievously when Natasha gestured to go ahead. ''How didn't you recognize her?''
A groan sounded in the room, followed by kid's laughter. ''She used to be blonde and fifteen years old, okay?'' Natasha defended herself, having to deal with that question her whole life.
~~~~~
Natasha made good on her word. Although it wasn't easy in the beginning - when was it ever - she took a step back, allowed herself to be sad from time to time, and discussed the updates she got from the doctor with Maya, like she wanted. And that felt surprisingly good, like she suddenly didn't need to bear the burden of missing Katya alone anymore.
Katya got closer to coming home every day. And a big step was when they added a phone call to her wife to her therapy programme. First once a week, and if everything went alright, more often.
Natasha was thrilled but nervous, her hands trembling as they held the phone she closely watched, waiting for the screen to light up.
What would she say? Would she start crying? Katya would hear it in her voice if she got sad and emotional, which was probably not a good idea. Or maybe that was exactly what she should do? She had been given no instructions from the doctor, and was left to figure it out for herself.
Her heart jumped when it started to ring, and within a second, she pressed the green button, bringing it to her ear in a rush.
''Nat?'' Katya's voice was soft, fragile, but a wave of relief washed over Natasha at the familiar sound; the sound she could recognize in her dreams. Katya was still alive, she was still breathing.
''Yes,'' she breathed through her smile, voice slightly trembling. ''Hi, honey.''
Katya couldn't help smiling to herself. Hearing Natasha's voice again felt so familiar, it felt like home. Being away from her and Maya was a challenge, but she needed to stay in order to get better, for all of them. ''Hey. It's so good to hear your voice. How're things at home?''
''We're doing okay. Maya's just going to school, soccer practice. Not much new to update you on. I promise I didn't touch your car. It's still in the same spot.'' She wasn't sure if Katya would pick up on the joke. In fact, she wasn't even sure if it was a joke herself, or if it was a good idea to try one, but she wanted to take the awkwardness out of the conversation.
''Good. Her team still winning?'' Katya sounded tired, her tone flat, voice soft. Not physically, but mentally. The reason she didn't comment on the joke.
''They are.'' Seconds passed where Natasha toyed with her rings, feeling the conversation die out when Katya didn't answer. And she didn't want it to die out, not yet, not when they still had three minutes left. ''You know, she's still denying Mason is her boyfriend.''
To her relief, Katya chuckled, surprising even herself with how honest that sounded. ''No way. Why does she even bother?''
''I don't know,'' Natasha carefully laughed. ''Or maybe we're just seeing stuff that isn't there.''
''Pfff, please, we can all see how red she grows whenever we bring him up. And she even admitted of crushing on him.''
''Right, I forgot about that.'' Natasha said with a small chuckle, ending the subject about her daughter rather awkwardly.
Despite her worked-out brain, Katya could still sense there was something in the air. The short silence wasn't how it usually felt, so she knew Natasha wanted to say more, but didn't dare to. ''I know you want to ask, so ask me.''
Natasha released a breath she didn't realize she was holding, and asked the one question that had been on her mind for weeks. ''How're things going?''
''A bit better, I think. I don't know, it's hard to tell.'' She could hardly provide an objective view on her progress, too busy trying her best to think about stuff like that. ''My head's still a mess, but what else is new? Everyone's nice here, they're helping me really well. And I think I made some friends.''
'''Course you did.'' Natasha smiled, always the friend-maker.
''Anyway, I'm hanging in there.''
''I never expected anything else.'' Natasha said truthfully, wishing she could pull her wife in a hug, and never let go of her again. How she wanted to see her face right now, to read her expression, her eyes. To have her home safe.
A silence fell between them, but it was different from before. It wasn't awkward. It wasn't exactly comfortable either, but this wasn't a normal situation so what could you expect.
Katya could feel her own sadness of not being able to be there for her wife, creeping up on her, and knew she needed to end the call before it all became too much.
''I love you.'' It was nothing more than a whisper, but she needed Natasha to hear it. To believe it. Because if it weren't for her, Katya didn't know if she'd still be here.
The words took Natasha by surprise, but a big smile broke out on her face, and her eyes started to water. She didn't realize how much she needed to hear that. ''I love you too, honey. Always.''
''Always.''
~~~~~~~~
A/N: I hope you all had a fun NYE and that you stayed safe! Next chapter: Halloween! (Yes, I am doing Halloween in January) If you have any ideas for costumes, or things they can or should do for Halloween, let me know in a comment :)