CW/TW: Fluff/Angst/Mutual Pining/Getting Together/Happy Ending/Supernatural spoilers/Post-Canon/Canonverse/Inspired by a Paramore song/Song Fic.
Dean was in his car driving down a dark empty road in heaven. He'd been at the Roadhouse talking to Ash, Ellen, Jo, Pamela while drinking a beer when he decided to go for a little drive. Earlier that day he visited Bobby after checking on his mom and dad along with Adam.He didn't forget to pop in on Charlie and her girlfriend. Of course he made sure Kevin and his mom were okay too. He did his rounds of checking on all their friends almost every other day. Sam was out with his wife on a little date so the older Winchester decided to visit them later.
The great thing about being in Heaven is you never have to worry about being drunk even after you down a whole case of beer by yourself. Dean does sometimes miss the buzz he used to get, but oh well. There's no reason to make the pain go away when you're in heaven. You also never have to worry about monsters getting to you when you least expect it and your beloved car never runs out of gas after you've been driving it for miles down a two lane highway.
He hopes the real Impala is being taken care of like she should be. Dean the second should make sure she's in top shape all the time. As the hunter drove down the open road Baby's radio played an old rock song that floated through the car at its low volume. It was one of Dean's favorite cassette tapes of all time. Thirteen of the best Led Zeppelin tracks. He even made a copy of it for Castiel and sometimes he wondered if the Angel still had it.
The ex-hunter doesn't get to see Castiel much and frankly he misses the guy, but he's probably busy so the ex-hunter understands. D'yer M'ker was almost over as Dean turned to his left at the stop sign and headed down a new portion of the dusty highway. He nearly swerved off the road when he heard an iconic whooshing sound and a familiar person appear out of thin air in the seat next to him. It's a good thing he can't crash and burn in Heaven.
"Hello Dean." Castiel said after making the older Winchester nearly and metaphorically jump out of his skin
"Sonofabitch Cas, you almost gave me a heart attack!" Dean said gruffly, taking one hand of the wheel to press it to his chest
"You can't have those anymore." Castiel frowned confused with a slight cock of his head
Dean sighed, calming himself down.
"I- it's an expression." He told him
As long as Castiel has been around humans and on earth he's still the same old angel sometimes. Don't ever change the green eyed human thought with a small smile. He's said that before because he liked the way Castiel was. He was just Castiel the angel of the lord. So many people made or wanted Dean to be what he isn't and he never wanted the angel to feel the same. It was a horrible way to live because people expect things that you can't live up to. It's hell and Dean would know.
That's all his father ever did to him. It's just a burden you shouldn't have to bear in the end yet people force you. The older Winchester tried not to make Castiel be something he wasn't, however he knows that from the first time they touched he corrupted the heavenly host. Dean changed him. Some would say for the better others would say for the worst. Castiel though? He would say this was what he was meant to be. After all Everything he did was for love. Love for Dean and love for all of God's creations, especially humans.
"Right, apologies for startling you." Castiel said remorsefully as he adjusted himself against the brown leather seat
"It's fine man." Dean patted the angel on his trench coat covered shoulder
"How are you doing?" Castiel asked after the Human's hand went back to the wheel
"How are you doing?" Dean questioned turning it back to the other
"I asked first." Castiel narrowed his blue eyes at the Hunter
Dean rolled his own.
"Cas I'm in Heaven, how do you think I'm doin'?"
Castiel shrugged, looking back towards the road.
"I'm just making sure you're happy."
Dean shook his head.
"You say that every time we see each other and the answer is still the same. I'm happy Cas, more than I've ever been." He said glancing over at his angelic friend
It was a half truth so not real a flat out lie. He is happier than he's ever been, but Dean... well he's a greedy man and there's something that he wants that would make him completely happy. That would make him whole. He couldn't do it when he was alive. Expectations to fill and all that. It's not a excuse but it was just reality. Sucky reality.
"Good." Castiel gave a curt nod
"Good." Dean mimicked
"Now you gonna answer my question?" He asked
Castiel didn't answer for a moment as if he was trying to find the right words then he spoke once he had them.
"I'm relatively fine also. Helping Jack is pretty easy since there's not much to do other than making sure things go the way they're suppose to."
"How're things on Earth?" Dean glanced over at his friend
Castiel looked over at the hunter who has returned his eyes to the road out of habit even though neither of them would get hurt if he crashed.
"You mean the girls?" He said knowingly
Dean nodded.
"Yeah, them." He answered
Castiel cracked a small fond smile.
"They're fine Dean, for now at least."
"Right Claire and Kaia are probably an old cat ladies now huh?" Dean joked, but he wondered how Alex and Patience lives were going
Last he heard Alex finished nursing school and Patience was hunting though not as much as Claire. Kaia wasn't much for hunting either. A small smirk played on Dean's lips when he thought that maybe Patience was making money by being a psychic like her grandmother though Missouri didn't do it for money as far as Dean knew. Who cares though? A hunter has to make cash where they can since they don't have a Charlie. She was up in Heaven too. Dean went to see her as often as everyone else. She actually helped him figure out a few things.
"They're in her late sixties." Castiel said pulling Dean from his thoughts
"Still hunting?" The other asked raising an eyebrow
"Yeah, mostly." Castiel nodded
"Damn, maybe they'll still kick the bucket naturally unlike the rest of us." Dean shook his head
"I believe they will." Castiel said with conviction
"You check in on them right?" Dean questioned
"Of course Dean." Castiel replied
"Thanks." Dean said
"I worry for them too. I don't need a thanks for checking in on them." Castiel told him
Dean reached over and patted the angel in the shoulder again.
"I know. Just saying thanks since I can't see 'em myself. That part sucks by the way." He pointed to the other accusingly
"Ah, so you are unhappy." Castiel teased
"Cas." Dean said warningly as he put both hands back on the wheel
Castiel let out a small laugh.
"Just "yanking your chain" as you say." He said making air quotes
"The angel has jokes nor." Dean rolled his eyes
"So you just here to see me or did you visit everyone?" He asked
"I visited the others. You happen to be last." Castiel said honestly
Dean frowned slightly.
"Gee, thanks Cas." He replied sarcastically
"I didn't mean it like that." Castiel told him
"Really, cause you come didn't see me last time you visited." Dean said sounding a little bitter
"You're upset about that." Castiel stated as he looked over at the hunter's side profile
"Of course I am. You saw everyone else except me." Dean said a little more quite than usual
"You were out fishing. I didn't want to disturb you." Castiel said as if was an excuse
"Cas you aren't gonna disturb me." Dean told him
Castiel nodded.
"Alright, I'll make sure not to miss you next time." He said
"Better not." Dean replied almost as if to threaten the other
"Why do you only visit, what is it, once a month?" He asked after a short moment of silence as he pulled the car into an empty field
Castiel looked towards the window on his right.
"I thought you all would prefer it that you. Um... especially you." He said wearily
Dean turned off Baby and looked over at the angel.
"Alright Cas you listen and you listen good." He said gathering the other's attention
"If you wanna visit any of us, you just pop in. We're all always happy to see you." He said and gestured to himself
"I'm always happy to see you." The hunter told him with all seriousness
Castiel looked into those green eyes looking for some sort of lie, but found nothing but the truth even though he didn't read Dean's mind.
"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind. I just didn't want to intrude." He said glancing down at his hands that were neatly folded in his lap
"Cas were dead it's not like you showing up for ten minutes is a big deal." The hunter rolled his eyes once again
"Still, you have your own lives so to speak." Castiel said as an argumentative point
Dean opened his door.
"Well my afterlife is brighter with you in it." He replied
"C'mon let's get out." The other told Castiel
The angel nodded.
"Alright." He said opening his own door
Dean walked around his old car after shutting the door and he hoped on his hood as he heard the passenger door close. The deceased hunter leaned against the windshield with his hands behind his head and he looked up at the stars. He isn't exactly sure how he can see stars since he's up in Heaven, but he's not going to question it. Castiel stood next to Baby looking up at the dark sky just like his hunter friend as said hunter caught sight of his profile.
"Take a seat Cas. You can't dent the hood up here." Dean patted the spot next to him
He remembered the time when Castiel had a few screws missing and he had show up randomly on the hood of Dean' car naked but covered in bees. It took the hunter a few hours to get the Castiel sized dent out of Baby's hood. Though he couldn't really put room much blame on the angel even though he was pretty mad at the time. Things were just complicated as they usually are with team free will. Thinking back on it now he thought the situation was funny.
"If you say so." Castiel nodded as he carefully got up on the car without teleporting since there was no need for such a short distance
He sat crisscross on the hood next to Dean with his hands in his lap again. The two went silent as they admired the stars that speckled the sky. Castiel had to admit it was one of his father's most glorious creations besides humanity yet much like humans the stars die much quicker than it seems they should. The angel always wondered why something so beautiful should have such a short life span. Granted stars do live longer than humans, but that's not the point of the analogy.
Castiel sighed quietly, thinking about how things that burn so bright seem to fade away much quicker. Like the man beside him. The man he loves. Dean's soul shone so bright among all the tortured souls in hell. It was like a beacon for the angel. It always was and yet his soul faded away from its earthly existence so fast. Castiel knew the hunter would come to heaven, but the day Dean died the angel morned him as if he lost him forever. He couldn't help it, he just loved the hunter so much.
"Dean?" Castiel said breaking the tranquility
"Yeah?" Dean asked not looking over at the other
"Have you ever been in love?" Castiel question
Dean's eyes shifted from the stars to the angelic person next to him.
"That's a weird topic discussion, but why do you ask?"
"I watched a show on Netflix about these two main characters that end up falling in love with each other. It was quite cute." Castiel said looking down at his lap with another fond smile
That was another perk of Heaven thanks to Jack. They have almost every type of streaming service and it's updated as it is on earth. Jack was a better god than Chuck ever was. The kid was actually worth worshiping if Dean was honest, but he knows Jack would like people bowing down to him like that. Much like Castiel, Jack is just Jack.
Dean shrugged.
"I mean... a few times I guess."
"Really?" Castiel looked over at the Winchester
Dean nodded. He wasn't one for talking about this kind of thing, but sometimes it felt easier with Castiel. He never seemed to be casting any form of judgement when he listened to you.
"Yeah. Uh when I was in my twenties, met a girl named Cassie." He smiled a little
"She was great, but wanted to do her own thing and I wanted to do mine so we went our separate ways." The hunter shrugged then sighed
"Then there was Lisa, but it was dangerous for her and Ben. You remember." He said looking over at the Angel
Castiel looked pained as he glanced away from Deam.
"Apologies." He said remorsefully
He's the one that erased their memory of Dean Winchester. Castiel knows how much that hurt Dean. How much sorrow filled the Winchester after he left the hospital, leaving behind the tanned woman and her son that acted too much like Dean. Castiel regrets that, but he understood why it needed to be done. Dean did whatever he needed to be done to keep them safe even if it hurt him. He always put others before himself no matter the situation. Dean always thought of himself as just a grunt on the front lines and nothing more, but he was so much more.
"No need to Cas." The Hunter told him
And he meant it. There was no reason Castiel should feel guilty for that situation. It was all on Dean and no one else. He knew better than to involve Lisa and Ben, but Dean was greedy and asked for too much. He put them in danger because he was a greedy human who wanted more than he should have. Lisa's up in Heaven with the rest of them and she remembers Dean, but they don't see each other much. It's best to not hold on. Ben is still on earth married and with two kid. He has the apple pie life Dean always wanted but Dean was happy for him.
Castiel nodded as he thought for a moment.
"So they didn't work out, but you've never tried again after Lisa?"
"Well incase you forgot, shit started to really go down hill after I left Lisa." Dean said humorously but it wasn't really funny
Castiel nodded.
"Right, but why not find someone? Sam did more than once. Even after... you died." He went quieter towards the end of his sentence
"Didn't really think it was ever in the cards for me after I failed with Lisa." Dean sighed
Castiel frowned.
"You didn't fail Dean. You just happen to live a very dangerous life." He said in the other's defense
"Tomato, tomahto." Dean shrugged
"I still don't understand that expression." Castiel said slightly frustrated
Dean chuckled.
"Don't worry about it Cas."
Castiel nodded, but he wasn't done with this conversation so he pressed on as long as Dean seemed to be will to answer. He always was too curious for his own good.
"Why did you think love was never in the cards for you after Lisa?"
A minute of silence passed as Dean though about how to explain thing to the angel. Then a song popped into his head that he heard Claire listen to a few times back when he was alive. Songs were great at helping people understand how you feel.
"When I was younger I saw my dad cry and curse at the wind when he thought I wasn't paying attention. Course I don't think he knew I saw, but I did." He said in a normal tone as he sat up
"It because of what happened to your mother?" Castiel stated more like a question
Dean nodded and crisscrossed his legs.
"Yeah, it broke his heart and I think searching for Yellow Eyes was his way of reassembling it."
Castiel gave an unfavorable expression.
"That's a not very healthy way to cope." He said, but most of the things the Winchesters did weren't a healthy way to cope
Dean nodded.
"Tell me about it, but it was what it was." He shrugged
"I was a kid so I just did whatever dad said and took care of Sammy." The deceased Hunter added
"Very mature of you." Castiel commented
Dean shrugged.
"Didn't have a choice. He ordered me to and I followed not that I hated taking care of Sam." He said
"You nor Sam really had much of a childhood." Castiel stated in disapproving tone
"I tried my best to give Sammy a good childhood, but I could only do so much." Dean sighed
"You did the best you could with what was going on." Castiel told him because he felt like he needed to
"I know but I just wished I could've done more. At least he turned out decent with only a few bumps in the road." Dean said with a sigh
"...So it's because of your father that you never tried again?" Castiel said moving them back to the original topic
"Not just him. Bobby too." Dean said and the Angel gave him a questioning look
"When the seals were being broken one of them rose Death and he started waking up the dead." The Hunter started to explain
"Oh right. You told me before." Castiel nodded
"Yeah and well his wife was great. Made the best damn pie for a risen dead lady." Dean grinned
"I wasn't there for that." Castiel said
Dean clapped the Angel on his shoulder.
"Nah, you still had that stick up your ass." He teased
"Not funny." Castiel narrowed his eyes
Dean chuckled as his hand fell back to his side.
"Anyway things went south as they usually do with us and Bobby had to kill'er." He said
"After that day he swore he'd never let himself forget. You can't get comfortable. You can't love someone cause it makes you weak and real easy for others to take advantage of you." Dean shook his head
"Just look at me and Sammy. We were a good example of having weak spots that everybody and their demonic grandma took advantage of." He frowned
"You really feel that way?" Castiel tilted his head
Dean shrugged.
"After Lisa I decided that I wouldn't go back down that road if I truly didn't think it would work out."
"Oh." Castiel said flatly
"Don't look so sad Cas. I've kinda always been like this. Keeping a comfortable distance and all that. It's what dad always taught me." Dean told him with a shrug
"But..." The hunter trailed off
"But what?" Castiel said taking the bait as he looked over at the other
"But up until I died I was content with loneliness, but I started seeing you in a different light at some point. Obviously before I shish kebabbed." Dean said
"You saw me in a different light?" Castiel asked confused whether Dean meant that literally or not
The hunter looked up at the stars.
"You gave me a whole new deck of cards just as I ran out." He stated
"Isn't that usually a bad thing, to have a whole deck of cards in you hands?" Castiel said of course taking what Dean said too literally
The other looked at him again with a short chuckle.
"Cas what I mean is you gave me all I've ever wanted. Family, home, and someone to love." He said
Castiel looked away.
"I... didn't give you any of that though." He said as if ashamed
Dean shrugged.
"Maybe not directly, but it all came after meeting you so close enough. You've been the angel on my shoulder guiding the way even when you yourself were lost."
The hunter smiled fondly.
"Mom always said that angels were watching over me and I think she was right, but it was only one angel."
Castiel shook his head.
"I didn't meet you until I-"
"Gripped you right and raised you from perdition." Dean said imitating the angel
"I know, but the details don't matter. What matters is what I'm trying to tell you Cas." He said
"Um what are you trying to tell me?" Castiel asked
Dean pointed at the other.
"You asked I've ever been in love and I have, but it didn't stop with Lisa because I realized- you made me realize that I deserve it after I totally thought I'd live out the rest of my days as a grumpy bachelor." He said
"I never thought I deserved to love someone and to have them love me back. That's why I didn't think it was in the cards for be, but you made me a believer Cas." The hunter said honestly
"I don't understand." Castiel said staring at the hood in front of him
He was afraid to assume. Afraid of thinking the wrong thing. Afraid of taking things the wrong way. Dean was complicated and is rarely straightforward about literally anything but Castiel wants him to say it if he's going to. He wants to heard those words he's been longing for the other to say. Even if it's only once. His heart or his soul, whatever it is that makes Castiel love the Hunter needs to hear him say it.
Dean thought for a moment then grinned. He's finally going to tell him. He has the courage to now which he feels a little guilty about. The Hunter has made Castiel wait for so long, put him through so much trouble, hurt I'm over and over again but maybe he can do it right, just this once. Dean wants to tell Castiel how he feels and what he wants the Angel to hear. He just hopes the other still loves him.
The Winchester looked over at the Angel.
"In the words of Paramore "Darlin' you are the only exception." Dean said
Castiel looked a little like a fish out of water.
"W- Why are you telling me this now?" He asked
Dean shrugged.
"Cause none of it was ever worth the risk. I didn't wanna lose you over stupid feelings, but now I'm dead so I got nothin' to loose right?" He said
Castiel's eyes met the hood of Baby again.
"I... wish you would've told me before." He murmured
"You mean after you confessed." Dean said bringing up the think they both avoided since it happened and Castiel nodded hesitantly
"No offense, but you kinda didn't show back up Cas. Even when I prayed to you." The other said but didn't sound angry about it
"I'm sorry." Castiel said not meeting the hunter's eyes
"No big deal." Dean shook his head then chuckled
"Hell an Angel falling for some puny human hunter with a GED who's also a guy. Can't go anymore against God than that. That's a bottom of the barrel fish you picked out." He pointed at the Angel
Castiel immediately lifted his head with a frown.
"Dean you're not "bottom of the barrel" you've never been. Even at your worst times." He shook his head
Dean smiled as blue met green. Tell him now, say you love him, he thought.
"Look I ain't good with this, with explainin' how I feel, but after you gave your rousin' speech before the Empty took you..." He hesitated and closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again with a frown
"I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you so damn bad that I felt the same-"
Castiel shook his head not sure what was happening exactly, but he didn't want Dean to feel guilty about that situation.
"Dean-" He tried to stop the other but it was no use
"But I froze and that's on me, but I'm gonna tell you now." Dean said with more conviction than ever
"Cas, I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I love you. You deserve to know and I'm sorry for all the times I was such an asshat to you." He said wholeheartedly
Castiel was stunned even though he kind of felt that this was coming. He started to tear up with how much emotion racked through his body. How could one man, one human, do so much damage to a multi-dimensional wavelength of Celestial intent that said human can't even comprehend without him being in a vessel of some sort. It was amazing.
"I... love you too Dean. I have since I touched your soul in Hell." Castiel said with all the strength he had
"Well I already knew that, but glad to know you feel the same angel." Dean smiled genuinely which wasn't often
"This... this feels like a dream." Castiel sniffled
"Cas, you don't sleep." Dean told him as he reached out to wipe the tears from those blue eyes
Castiel nodded.
"I'm aware."
"Know it all." Dean rolled his eyes, but kept his grin
Castiel looked confused as the other cupped his face with both of his calloused hands.
"Dean, I'm much older than you of course I know many more things that you do."
"Shuddup and let me kiss you." Dean told him with a small breathy chuckle
Castiel gasped.
"You want to?" He asked once again shocked
Dean frowned.
"I didn't just have a chick flick moment with you then assume we wouldn't kiss. What the hell kinda guy do you think I am?" He asked
"A very stupid human." Castiel said honestly with a small smile
Dean looked offended.
"Wow Cas, tell me what you really thin-" He was cut off by the lips that pressed against his
Oh boy did it feel like fireworks. How does that even happen when you're dead. There's nothing to you other than your soul. That's another thing Dean won't question about Heaven. He'll just file that in the perks category and call it day.
"You are the only exception too, Dean Winchester." The angel said then dove back in for another heated kiss that the other didn't deny
Many things burn out quickly or over time eventually, but one thing that will never fade as long as Castiel lives is his love for the famous Dean Winchester with his beautiful green eyes and of course... his humanity too. He is the only exception.
[END]