TW: SWEARING, YELLING, FIGHTING, SEPARATION ANXIETY, THEMES OF ADDICTION, ANXIETY ATTACK
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I reach up and grab another vial of ghast tears and the small dish of crushed netherwart and tip it into the shaft of the brewing stand. The golden glow stone powder tickles my senses and I force back my sneeze.
My workroom was one of my favourite places in the house. Ranboo kept his armour and tools in here too but he never used the room to the same extent that I did. This was the first time I'd been back in here since my memories returned. Somehow, it made the room feel even better. More electric, more exciting.
Maybe it was silly that I was only making a tiny bottle of regeneration to tip into the stew that boiled away in the kitchen, but I knew Dream needed the extra buff. It was no secret he was weak, in more ways than one.
As my hands keep busy I force my mind to be even busier. It felt like I had sent thousands of tiny people into my mind and they were flicking through filing cabinets of memories all at the same time. I wasn't used to all the information, which is why I was searching for something I desperately needed.
A clue of some sort about my powers. Anything from a throwaway word my parents may have said to the most intricate lesson from Schlatt's teachings. I scrunch my face up as a wave of aches his my head. I pick up a different pink bottle at my side and take a swig only to frown and pull back noticing that there was barely a drop left. My headache hits me again and I turn to a special chest I had constructed on the other side of the room.
I open it and smile at all of its workings. Two trays branch out on either side revealing small jars of potion ingredients that I couldn't fit on the shelf. The inside of the lid looked like a child's collage if it were made of tonnes of sketches and recipes and theories for me to try later.
The shiny yellow pins I had used catch a glint from the dim Redstone light that Ranboo and I had struggled to make work. In the bottom of the chest were I don't know how many bottles of various sorts of potions. Some had red stickers on the lids indicating that they needed to be tested later.
I reach in and pull out another potion of healing and take a swig. A smile comes to my lips as my headache eases and I return to my workbench. Sifting through memories was a massive pain, my brain wasn't used to all the extra stimulation and it made everything so much harder.
The satisfying bubble of the regeneration potion fills my ears and I watch the glow from the blaze rod die signifying the potion's completion. I remove the small bottle and go back into the kitchen and pour it into the simmering stew. The liquid disappears without a trace and I give the pot a final stir.
"Ranboo! Dream! Lunch!" I call up the stairs. The creaking of floorboards and opening and shutting of doors is my only reply.
"What are we eating?" Ranboo asks as I lift the pot and set it on the breakfast bar.
"What do you think?"
"Do you people only eat stew?" Dream mumbles and I chuckle.
"Well, it's the easiest to make when all we have access to is basic crops and whatever game we manage to hunt down. There's bread if you're desperate," I roll my eyes playfully and Ranboo comes around to take bowls out of the cupboard.
Since Dream and I spoke with Ranboo, he's been better. I don't think either of us is used to being around one another yet but it doesn't feel bad. It feels right being in the same room as him. The fact that this wasn't an illusion had finally soaked in for Dream and he wasn't as insistent about being near me all the time. But he wasn't happy when I had to go to Techno's this morning for breakfast instead of laying in bed all day with him.
"When should we bring Phil here?" Ranboo asks hesitantly. It was a touchy subject despite everyone's agreement on the issue.
"After we've eaten is probably best," I look over at Dream and see his clouded expression. He was anxious, it was obvious.
Instead of scoffing down his food like usual, he only picked at it. At least I knew that my regeneration potion was strong enough to have an effect even if he only had one bite.
Even though Dream was used to me, he wasn't used to being without his mask. For my sake, I knew he wasn't wearing it, but if it was up to him I knew he'd never take it off. Not even if it was just us and we were in the old house. In the time I was gone, Dream's connection to the mask had only grown more twisted, more compelling and so much stronger.
Dream sometimes seemed like he was addicted to the stupid mask. I didn't miss the long looks he'd give it or the way he instinctively looked at the floor to hide whenever Ranboo entered the room. It made me anxious too, it made me worry that I'd never be able to separate him from it. Most of all I wonder if he would ever let his walls down and allow people into his life again. It all started with that fucking mask, the most physical wall he had.
I reach over to him and grip one of his twitching hands. As he looks at me I see his anxiousness fade behind a facade. I look at him in a way that I hope shows him that he can trust me.
We finish and Ranboo leaves to get Phil and I sit with Dream on the couch. We both eye the stairs that lead upstairs to the creaking hallway and to my room where the mask is. I notice Dream become more fidgety and he takes a deep breath. Suddenly, he stands up and looks at me like I'm not even there.
"I'm getting the mask," he turns around but I'm quick to stand and grab his wrist. At my touch, he freezes.
"Why do you need it?'
"To hide my face."
"That won't help anything, you'll just put everybody on edge," my voice betrays me with a slight quiver.
"Bullshit, you know I need it." Dream was barely recognizable, his voice didn't even belong to him. He was so desperate for walls, he was so desperate to feel protected. I feel him tug at my hand trying to get free, so I stand in front of him instead.
His face nearly terrified me. His eyes were empty and I could feel the itching radiating from his skin.
"Dream you don't-"
"You don't know that!" His shout cuts through the air like a hundred knives and I drop his hand taking a step back. I didn't know this person and I was afraid of them.
The last person who yelled at me like that was Schlatt.
Dream's hard exterior crumbles as soon as he looks at me. I must have everything written across my face. He reaches out a hand towards me but I take another instinctive step back feeling my heart rate quicken. I felt like a rabbit staring at a fox.
"Y/N... Y/N I'm sorry," he mutters quickly trying to move towards me again. I force myself into stoicism and unclasp my hands from where I had gripped them together in front of me. Instead, they ball into fists at my sides. I force my voice to be stern and cold even though it only comes out as a whisper.
"You do not need it. You only think that you do." He says nothing. Usually, I'd feel calm but Dream had a way of turning my emotions from stable to chaos.
"Around Phil, Techno, Tommy and Ranboo you cannot wear that... thing," the words burst from my mouth like water through a crack in a dam. My voice continues to betray me and it wavers as I feel my blood boil with fear, anger and instinct. The three things that have kept me alive for so long.
"Why-"
"YOU'RE GOING TO HURT TOMMY! AND PHIL AND TECHNO WILL THINK YOU CAN'T BE TRUSTED BUT I NEED THEM TO TRUST YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!"
The silence that fills the cold room is only disturbed by the tears on my face and unstable breaths in my mouth. Dream's face showed nothing but shock. As I come crashing down from my high, I feel my knees go weak and I grip onto the railing of the stairs and sink onto the bottom step.
Dream says nothing as I try desperately to repress my quiet sobs. Why couldn't he see how much it was hurting him? Why does he have to be so stubborn? How could I let myself fall into such old habits? I don't want to fight anymore.
I flinch at the arm that wraps around my shoulders. I don't need to look to know that it's Dream. He pulls me into his chest, I don't object and succumb to his comfort. I feel the gentle touch of his rough callouses on my cheeks as he wipes away my tears.
"We really are broken, aren't we," he murmurs. A strange strangled sound comes from my mouth and I bury my face into his warm hoodie. He presses a kiss on my forehead.
"I love you too. I promise I won't wear it in front of them," I feel relief flood my system and I have to force back the urge to cry more. I force myself to copy Dream's slow breaths to steady myself.
"Thank you," I manage to get out. Dream lifts the two of us to our feet and takes me into a warm hug.
"I don't want to hurt you too," his broken voice says. I only nod into his chest.
"You can't hurt me more than I've already been hurt before," I let the lie slip from my lips even though we both knew it wasn't true. We were each other's weaknesses, I don't want to know what would happen if he got hurt.
I see Ranboo through the window opening the door of Techno's house for Phil. I know Dream does too as he tenses slightly and then leads us back to the couch.
"Can you do this?" he asks me. I put on the best smile I can muster and wipe my face.
"I'm as ready as I'll ever be."
****
Phil presses his index finger to his lips as he thinks. Ranboo leant on the mantle of the fireplace and I sat on the couch whilst Dream was in the other armchair.
When Phil got here it was a similar story to how Ranboo reacted. He had no idea who Dream was until he spoke. Thankfully, Phil was the most level-headed person I think to ever exist and he sat calmly as we explained everything. But now we had told him about our plan with Tommy and he was being a lot more thoughtful.
"Y/N, are you alright?" he asks me suddenly. I'll admit I was taken aback by it.
"I am."
"Are you sure introducing Dream and Tommy is a good idea?" I felt like we were talking about two animals instead of two people.
"We have no choice, it's impossible to keep it a secret. We were going to tell Techno first but apparently, he decided to go hunting," I sigh. Phil told us Techno had gone out earlier, it wasn't exactly a desirable scenario.
"How are we going to do this?" Ranboo asks the question playing on everybody's mind.
"Tommy won't recognise you straight away, nobody else has so I don't suspect he will either," I turn to Dream as I speak and deliberately avoid the word "mask".
"Ranboo, Y/N, you two should be in the house with Tommy before Dream gets there. I'll bring Dream and then we'll have to just deal with whatever the fuck happens," Phil lays out a plan. It sounded reasonable enough, with Ranboo and I in the house Tommy will be more at ease. I didn't plan on leaving him alone for this anyway, but this idea made things a lot simpler.
"We can't plan for anything," Dream suddenly mumbles. He had been quiet for most of the conversation and just let me talk only butting in when he had to. I watch his face carefully, he hid something behind his expression. I knew guilt played behind his eyes but there was something else I couldn't place.
Exile was a dark time, especially for Tommy. There are things that neither of them will ever speak aloud. Not to us and certainly not to each other.
"Let's get this over with."
****
I sift through the contents of the chest in front of me with a sigh. Tommy had no sense of the concept "put things back where you found them". Techno always complained about Tommy's untidiness but never did I once take it seriously enough.
"Tommy do you seriously not know how to put shit away?" I sigh.
"What? I'm not bad at putting shit away I just simply choose to put it away better," I roll my eyes forcing back my grin. As annoying as Tommy could be he knew how to make me smile. I catch a glimpse of him vegging out on a chair on the opposite side of the table to where I was.
As usual, he was dressed in his anarchist uniform like the rest of us. We had forgone our coats in the warm room leaving us in whatever top we had on underneath. He tossed a golden apple core into the fireplace across the room. I had a feeling I would hear more of Techno's bellyaching when he got back.
The rustling of papers behind me is a constant and welcome reminder of Ranboo's presence in the room. I was fixing chests whilst he was pretending to look for unused treasure maps. Both of us knew all the maps on the desk had been used but Tommy did not.
I had been listening closely to the world outside, waiting for the familiar clunking of shoes on the stone stairs outside. But when they finally arrived, I didn't expect how I wouldn't be ready to hear the sound.
"Tommy, there's somebody here who needs to see you," Phil says as he opens the door.
I turn and see Tommy give Phil a funny look and then he turns to look at me and then at Ranboo. For the first time in his whole life, Tommy reads the tension in the room. His expression shifts from relaxed and slightly bored to nervous and wide-eyed.
"Who is it? What's going on?" he asks a little too quickly.
"Keep an open mind Tommy," Phil warns.
"Phil you should know that of all brains in the world, mine is the most open," his attempt to lighten the room falls face down on the floor.
I feel my breath catch as Dream slips into the room next to Phil. I notice how he had taken off his hoodie leaving him in a white tee-shirt and black jeans. The room stills but Tommy's head swivels in confusion.
"Wait who the fuck is this?" he asks us all but we stay quiet. A beat passes.
"It's me, Tommy," Dream says. I watch as colour instantly drains from Tommy's features before Dream even finishes speaking. I push myself off the chest I was leaning on ready to do whatever I needed to do to help Tommy get through this.
It was much too fresh for him. He'd only just escaped Dream, and to see him here and now in a different form would be breaking him from the inside.
"D-Dream" is all he manages to scrape out.
"Tommy?" Ranboo asks gently but the sound of his voice sends Tommy leaping from his seat. He scampers around the table from where he was sitting to where I'm standing. He looked like a frightened animal and I knew he was ready to run.
"You better fucking stay away from me! I'm not going back to fucking exile!" he shouts wildly and looks for any sort of weapon. But I had already put everything away expecting him to lash out. All the weapons were downstairs and everything was in its proper chest and all the kitchen stuff was in the cupboards.
A single floorboard creaks.
"STAY THE FUCK AWAY!" he screams and I feel myself break and I run forward grabbing Tommy's hands. He jumps but refuses to take his eyes off Dream.
"Tommy Tommy Tommy look at me-"
"YOU FUCKING BITCH I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU JUST WATCH ME!"
"Tommy look at me!" Tommy's head flicks between me and Dream a few times before he finally settles on me. His feet dance beneath him as if they have minds of their own. He shakes like a leaf in a storm as I clasp his hands between mine.
All I see in his eyes is fear. Pure unrelenting fear pulsating through every fibre of his being. Behind his eyes I see a thousand tormenting memories rushing to the surface reminding him of everything bad that had ever happened around Dream. I know he thinks about exile first, but also the war, the revolution, my kidnapping, the duel, the discs, everything.
"Dream, go outside," my voice is taught and resolute.
"Y/N-"
"Outside now. All of you." I look at Phil and Ranboo who oblige and pull an unwilling Dream outside with them. Immediately I turn back to Tommy.
"Tommy he's gone, and he's not taking you anywhere," I try to reassure him but he's not having it.
"What the shit is he doing here?"
"He's here for me-"
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! Are you in on this too?!"
Tommy rips his hands from mine and backs away. I say his mind clouding faster and faster and I knew I had to do something before he lost himself and ran away.
"Tommy, Dream is not taking you to exile. I'm not in on any plan," I say slowly.
"Prove it," his voice spits venom.
"I can't prove it. You just have to trust me," I raise my hands showing him that I hold no weapons. It does little to calm him down. I needed to distract his mind, I needed to show him that I'm not another Dream. At the moment everybody was Tommy's enemy.
"Tommy, remember L'Manburg?" he nods quickly and licks his lips anxiously.
"Do you remember there was one really hot day and everybody got locked in the van? Tubbo ran in and said he found a swimming hole. We didn't even bother to change we were so desperate to cool off. It was this big lake full of water with tall rock walls that everybody wanted to jump off. We all swam in our uniform pants and whatever singlets we had underneath our shirts.
You were the only one who wouldn't jump off. Remember how I stayed with you? I stayed with you because I didn't want you to be alone or afraid."
As I recount the memory I see Tommy's eyes flood with nostalgia. We both longed to go back to that simpler time. When all we had to worry about was getting in trouble with Wilbur and who could fight the best.
"I don't know much about exile. But I know you were alone and afraid there too. I see your trauma every day. You have no idea how much I wish I could have been there with you to keep you safe."
I can feel myself on the verge of tears again. I push everything back and focus on Tommy, I couldn't let him see how scared I was too. He needed to know I was strong and that I'd help him through this.
"Tommy, I promise I would never do anything to hurt you. Because you're my family," Tommy finally hears me, but his eyes were glued to the door.
"What about Dream?" he knows that we have a relationship and a lot of history.
"I would never let him touch you," I watch as Tommy slowly starts to ride out his fear. I felt my adrenaline start to dump.
"Do you trust Dream?" he asks me but I know he wants to hear more than just that.
"I trust him and I love him, he loves me too-"
"How could you love a monster like that," he growls and sharply points a finger at the door that we knew Dream was just behind. I shake my head trying to find the right words.
"Nobody is a monster, Tommy. People are driven to monstrosities. They think they have no other option because they feel alone," I hope my words reach him.
"Did Dream feel alone in exile?" the question was honest. Tommy wanted to know as twisted as the answer was.
"Dream didn't visit you in exile only to watch you, Tommy. He had nobody else to go to and you said you wanted him around when everybody else had turned him away."
We both knew it was more complicated than that. It was clear in my voice and how much I hesitated between words that I wasn't giving a full answer.
"Why did he treat me so badly?" Tommy had fully left the peak of his fear. Instead, he seemed much sadder and like he was ready to give in to some invisible force.
"That's a question you need to ask Dream," I see him flinch and tense up at the name but it doesn't stay.
He looks back up at me no doubt seeing straight through me. As much shit as we gave Tommy for being an idiot, he was pretty smart and he knew me better than most people. I take a deep breath and stand up a bit taller. Despite Tommy's height, he seemed small for once.
I open my arms and Tommy shuffles to me and falls into them. I hold him tightly still feeling the tremor in his body. It hurts to see him this way, he is one of my brothers and although I'd never tell him for the risk of his ego getting even bigger, I love him.
"I'm afraid Y/N," he whispers in my ear. I hug him tighter.
"I know, but I'll stay with you if you want me to," he pulls back.
"C-could you maybe... hold my hand?" he blurts out fearing my judgment. I only smile and take his clammy hand in mine. I give him a look, asking him if he's ready and he nods knowing fully well he has no idea what's about to happen.
I whistle gently and sure enough, a crow flies in from the basement. Those silly birds would hide anywhere in this house as long as Phil let them in. I whisper to the crow asking him to tell Phil to come back inside. It flies off again downstairs where I assume a door had been left open.
A moment later the door opens and I feel Tommy's grip tighten around my hand. Tommy keeps his eyes on the floor as Phil, Ranboo and finally Dream slip in through the door. There's a beat of bated breath and quiet until Tommy finally speaks.
"Sit at the table Dream," he tries to make his voice cold and removed but we can all hear the shake in his tone. Tommy looks up from his feet to meet Dream's unsteady gaze. Dream pulls out a chair and sinks into it.
"Why aren't you wearing the mask?"
"Because I want to apologise and I want you to see that I mean it," I felt Tommy tense and know that was not the answer he expected. Although, I'm not sure what he could have expected in the first place.
"Go on," he says coldly.
"There is no way to forgive what I did to you because what I did was unforgivable. I understand if you never want to see me again. I'm sorry, for everything I ever did to you, Tommy. I'm sorry for not standing up to the Dark Army and not helping you in exile instead of making things worse."
"Hang on, what do mean Dark Army?" Tommy cuts off Dream's big speech. I look at him and see his face twisted by confusion. He looked like he had eaten a lemon.
"I was employed by the Dark Army because I thought it would help find Y/N," Dream shoots a small look my way.
"Did anybody know?" Tommy demands more than just crumbs, he deserves that.
"Tubbo knew."
The words cut through the room like a butcher's knife. Although we already knew this, watching reality and realisation hit Tommy smack in the face made me feel as though I was learning it all over again.
"Tubbo knew," Tommy repeats the words, testing them on his tongue as if they were some expensive foreign spice. Tommy finally knew the truth about exile, how Tubbo didn't truly want him gone over something as trivial as arson. If we were all honest, everybody in the room would admit to having committed the crime at least once.
"Exile was because of the Dark Army?" Tommy clarifies with something hopeful behind his shocked expression.
"Tubbo never wanted to exile you. Yes, he was angry about how much everybody doubted him but not so much that he would exile his best friend," Dream adds more detail to the story and Tommy's face seems to morph even more.
"B-but why would they want me exiled?"
"They never told me why."
Tommy looks directly at me now, eyes shining and a lopsided grin on his face. I squeeze his hand and smile back.
"Tubbo doesn't hate me," he mumbles and I nod feeling his infectious joy start to catch onto me. Suddenly, Tommy was twitchy again but this time it was caused more by excitement than fear. However, I couldn't ignore Tommy's instinctual nervous glances in Dream's direction.
"L'Manburg never forgot you either, it was another lie they told me to tell," Tommy whips back around to Dream and he looks nearly electric with anticipation.
"I have to go back," his eyes widen and he tries to head for the door but I'm quick to pull him back.
"Tommy, we will take you back but first we need to tell Techno about Dream. Whenever that will be," I grumble the last part and sigh. Knowing Techno he could be gone until tomorrow night.
"Oh ho ho ho you're in deep shit if Techno doesn't come back happy from the hunt," Tommy smirks cheekily at Dream who I think is still struggling to comprehend Tommy's sudden mood swing.
I squeeze Tommy's hand again forcing him to look at me. I gesture to Dream with my eyes letting him know that this conversation isn't over yet. It wasn't just about Tommy, although it mostly was, it was also about Dream.
Tommy may seem fine but I know trauma isn't just removed with the click of a button. Especially not when you have to face your abuser. It's confronting and throws you back to the place you felt the most vulnerable and afraid.
"Do you want to say anything else?" I ask him. Tommy's mood flips again once his brain remembers that Dream is still sitting quietly at the table.
"Ranboo, Phil, can you guys step outside please?" Tommy looks at the other two who had been silent like mice the whole exchange. But I was most surprised about how Tommy said "please". I had a feeling they were too because it took them a second to leave the room.
Tommy turns his attention to me and Dream. He looks between us a few times, contemplating something, and then decides to speak.
"Apologise again," he commands. I resist the urge to roll my eyes. As scared as Tommy was, he had Dream, of all people, at his every demand for the next few minutes. I knew he wouldn't want to waste it.
"I'm sorry," Dream says. His tone conveyed all the sincerity Tommy needed to hear and that Dream has in his heart. If you listened close enough, you could hear his guilt too.
"I can't forgive you overnight, but maybe I will one day," Tommy's tone was joking but I could hear that he meant what he said. Tommy's expression changes again, sometimes I wasn't quite sure if I was looking at a person or a chameleon. He looks me in the eye.
"Dream, do you love Y/N," Tommy doesn't take his eyes off my face. I curse him mentally as my cheeks start feeling warm. I look at the floor but then realise I only seem more embarrassed that way.
"Yes," I smile at the certainty in Dream's voice and look up from the floor to meet his eyes. His gaze is nothing but adoration.
"Y/N, do you love this bitch?" Tommy asks me and I roll my eyes at his joke.
"Yes," my smirk grows wider when I see Dream's reddening cheeks.
"And you'll listen to her?" Tommy looks at Dream.
"I will."
Tommy's smirk could not be any wider. His classic mischievous look takes over his expression and I watch as he tries desperately to repress his laughter. I raise an eyebrow trying not to laugh myself.
"Y/N, you just made Dream your bitch."
~~~~
HELOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh god, what have I done? You guys are gonna murder me for what I'm about to do.
The next chapter will be short...
I HOPE YOU HAVE A FANTASTIC MORNING/DAY/EVENING/NIGHT <3 <3 <3
MWAH MWAH MWAH MWAH