Mobius's past came back to haunt him. He might be too far gone, but Loki was determined to do his best to help his lover get through it, or he'd die trying.
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Pairing: Loki/Mobius M. Mobius
A request from an anon in my Tumblr ask box, requesting for a Lokius fic where Mobius suffered PTSD from his pre-TVA life as a cop. Loki was there to try and help him recover.
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It didn't come back at once, flooding in like a wave crashing the shore, knocking you off balance. Memories, it bled back slowly, ever-so slowly. Like a disease, starting off with small symptom, easy to miss, then it ascended into something deadly. Because memories could be ugly, hideous. It could stay dormant for so long, but once it awoke, it came for blood, ready to suck you dry.
After the TVA was no more and the Time Keepers no longer able to control those whose lives were stolen, kidnapped from the timelines they belonged to, Mobius lived a simply life with Loki.
Things seemed okay. No, things were okay, at first. Two hearts in one home, free at last. There was no fear of being caught; the relationship they'd had to hide while still working for the organisation that caged them (but also the reason they met in the first place)
Though freedom always came with price, if not by one's life then by something else, something just as expensive as life was.
It first started with flashbacks of sorts, a flashing image in his head that had Mobius blink a few times, but he could shrug it off after a second or so.
"Hey," Loki said, sneaking his arms around his lover from behind. His lips found Mobius's shoulder fast, giving it kisses like he needed to declare to Mobius his love, how he worshiped him as though Mobius was the one who was a God and not the other way around. "Everything okay? You seemed... tense, for a second --"
"No, no..." Mobius cut him off. "Everything's fine. Why wouldn't it be?" He chuckled and turned around to seal his lips with Loki's. Things were fine. They were fine, really, there was nothing to be afraid, no more danger lurking in the corner, no more being someone's puppets. So the images, flashing through Mobius's head just for a split second, of ruin and death, blood splat on the walls, couldn't be anything beyond Mobius's imagination, a twisted something his head conjured up from years of working for the Time Keepers, chasing dangerous Variants. But it was nothing Mobius couldn't move on from. They'd been through it and they'd survived.
In the end he escorted Loki to the dinning table, telling him to 'sit here and look pretty' which earned a chuckle from Loki and a blush on his cheeks, before Mobius went back to making dinner for the both of them. Today was his turn, after all.
~~~
It got a little more intense, more violent, clearer; the image... the vision in his head. It lingered longer, too. Long enough for Mobius to see what it was, and it wasn't one of the crime scenes he'd investigated as a Time Agent. It was a crime scene, that much Mobius could tell. Though what captured his curiosity (and his horror) was that he had no memories of what it was, only that it felt real; real enough that Mobius was certain it'd happened, and that he must've been there, at the scene.
A body lying on the ground with a hole in its chest, pouring out blood. It was a man. In his vision, Mobius was standing over him, the corpse. His eyes were open, almost like he was staring right into Mobius's very soul, except his gaze glued blankly to the ceiling up above. In his loosened hand a machete, and when Mobius looked down at his own hands, his breath hitched in his throat when he saw there; a gun still in his hold.
And somehow Mobius nearly felt ashamed, for it took him this long to realise it was all the same vision. The same crime scene, same body lying on the floor, only that it got more vivid, more real, and it lasted longer each time it happened.
He woke with a start, chest heaved from how hard he was panting. The room was quiet, quiet and dark, and the vision -- the nightmare -- was gone, except the image stayed engraved in his mind. Mobius glanced at Loki sideway, his lover slept soundlessly on his side beside Mobius with his back facing him, but that was enough; seeing Loki, having him so close, was enough an anchor keeping Mobius safe and away from whatever that was.
Mobius turned his head until he was looking up at the ceiling, sighing heavily as if that helped banish the lingering fragment of the lost dream that hadn't quite left his head once he opened his eyes. He wished that was what it was; a lost dream. He knew there was something behind it, and he, for once, doubted he wanted to know the truth.
~~~
The dream -- the nightmare -- only got stronger, while Mobius's mental state turned weaker night by night. He'd become... paranoid, every time he closed his eyes he was hovering over the dead body, a gun in his hands and a bullet hole in the man's chest. His eyes, lifeless and hollow, haunted Mobius even when he was awake and walking.
"Moby!"
Mobius almost flinched. Correction: he did flinch. He felt his cheeks heat up. How long was he zoned out? He hadn't meant to ignore Loki, but he wasn't going to tell him about his being lost in thoughts of what'd been bothering him. Mobius wasn't going to burden Loki what that, not when they were supposed to finally be happy.
"I'm sorry," Mobius covered it with a forced chuckle. "What were you saying?"
Loki sighed softly, but there was something there; a hint of concern, which was worse than annoyance. "You were distracted," he said. It wasn't a question nor an accusation but a simple statement. "You've been distracted lately,"
"Yeah... guess I was just a little tired is all,"
"Mobius," Loki's voice was soft. He leaned across the couch and placed his hand on top of Mobius's, and Mobius reflexively flipped his palm over so their fingers intertwined. Their eyes locked with each other's, and Mobius could see it clear as day now; the worries on his lover's face. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
Mobius smiled. His free hand moved to cup Loki's face. "I'm okay," he said, though if anything Mobius should've known he'd always been the worse liar between the two of them, with the other having earned himself the literal title of the God of Lies. He hated having to lie to Loki, the only one he truly ever loved, and he knew, deep down, Loki saw right through his bullshit. The only reason he didn't call Mobius out, was because he was kind enough, or maybe he trusted Mobius enough -- which, if the latter were to be the case, and it most likely was, Mobius knew he was deliberately breaking something they'd worked so hard to build, and he felt disgusted with himself, though he couldn't, wouldn't, burden Loki with something so heavy -- Mobius only kneaded Loki's skin with his thumb. "I'm okay," he said again with a softened voice.
You're lying right in his face. But the thing was, if Mobius could somehow convince himself that, maybe he would really be okay. After all, they were only nightmares. He wasn't a child who would be affected by something as silly as nightmares.
Loki smiled back. There was still concern there, clear as day. And if this were Before -- when they were more enemies than reluctant friends, let alone lovers, when Loki was a Variant and Mobius his superior, a jailer, to be precise -- Mobius knew Loki would've spat in his face and called him out for the bullshit he'd woven by now. They were way past that. What they were right now; not a God and a bureaucrat but simple two men who were completely, utterly in love with each other. Loki leaned in a bit more until his lips softly found Mobius's cheek, kissing him gently. (And for the moment, Mobius genuinely believed everything was okay)
He didn't say anything when Loki excused himself for a nice, warm bath. Loki didn't push Mobius to share whatever was on his mind. And Mobius hoped -- wished -- he wouldn't have to worry about it again.
Because nightmares couldn't get to him, if he remained wide awake. Or even if it could, surely it couldn't be as violent as it'd be, when he was in his most vulnerable state sleep would surely render him.
~~~
He remembered, when the TVA was still up and running and he was under their thumb, Loki telling him he hadn't been getting enough sleep, always working, always pulling all-nighters. He remembered Loki physically manhandling him to bed, even before they became a thing. And Mobius had protested back then, he needed to finish the mission report first, to put together pieces of evidences, the never-ending tasks. But Loki had always been stubborn, which wasn't something Mobius hadn't already known. In the end it was Loki who'd secured victory.
"You haven't been sleeping," Loki said, bringing Mobius back to reality with his voice.
"Beg pardon?"
"I can tell, you know. The bags under your eyes. How... distracted you've been. You look like what Midgardians call a zombie,"
Mobius opened his mouth, then closed it. He felt somewhat embarrassed, like he'd just gotten caught doing something he shouldn't, like a child. Loki was too good at this.
He hadn't had any sleep for, if Mobius dared to admit, three nights in a row. The image burnt as brightly in the forefront of his mind; him looking down at the body of that man with a gun in his hands. But it was always at its worst when he was asleep, and this... ridding himself of sleep altogether, was the best Mobius could do to make it less aggressive.
"Mobius," Loki said. "What is going on?" His voice on the verge of begging.
Mobius averted his eyes. He felt... ashamed. They were happy. They were supposed to finally be happy. To think he would let something as stupid as nightmares ruin this, he wasn't a child.
"Hey," Loki's voice remained so soft, so gentle. He smiled at him, and moved closer so their hands were touching. "It's just me. Whatever it is, you don't have to carry it all on your shoulders all alone, my love. You know I'm here for you, right?" He added. It took Mobius everything that he had not to throw himself in Loki's arms and weep. It was frustrating, pathetic, he knew. He'd always been strong and collected. He'd fought off and tracked down dangerous Variants as the TVA's agent. How a nightmare could have so much effect on him, was pathetic.
"It's just..." Mobius sighed. "There're... dreams. Nightmares,"
"Okay..." Loki nodded. He wasn't going to mock, and Mobius knew that, though he still felt somewhat exposed. He wasn't used to this; all his life, or the life he remembered, there was only him. The other Analysts may have been friendly, but that was all they were; colleagues. To have someone whom Mobius could share with anything personal, was strange. And he knew Loki felt the same, but they were making progresses, which was something.
"I just... I don't know. It started off vogue, unclear, like I was walking through the mist, hazed. Sometimes they're not necessarily in my dream, because I was awake and then I'd see these visions in my head. They're all the same. Then it became clearer, more vivid. I don't know what they are, but I know they're real. They're memories. Must've been from my previous life,"
"You mean... the life before the TVA kidnapped you,"
Mobius nodded. "They are... terrifying, Loki. I... I didn't want to bother you with this. Gosh, I feel so stupid,"
"Hey... hey!" Loki cupped his face. "Don't say that. Ever. I'd rather you talk to me than keep it all inside, and I know, how... violent nightmares can be. I've been through them, but that you already know and Norns, you helped me get through it."
Mobius smiled softly.
"Love, you're not alone,"
"I know," he said. He'd always liked it when Loki called him that. It made him feel... loved. Mobius doubted anyone in his pre-TVA life ever cherished him half as much as Loki did, so it felt good, to have Loki here. To not be alone.
Loki kissed his forehead gently. For a moment, things did seem okay again.
~~~
"Drop the knife!" Mobius heard himself say. "Drop it!" It felt as though he were merely a soul, utterly separated from his body, only able to observe but only that. He saw his own hands, holding out before his body, holding a gun tightly. Then there was the man. The same face Mobius saw in his nightmares, his vision. He was standing there, shouting. A machete in his hand pressed tight against a boy's throat; he seemed terrified while the man seemed deranged.
And it took Mobius this long to realise he wasn't alone. Two cops by his right and another one by his left. All of them pointing their guns at the same direction. Then he looked down at himself and leaned he was one of them, not a TVA Agent but a part of the LAPD.
Then the fire went off. The man -- the suspect -- dropped with a loud thud. It all felt too real. Mobius may have felt himself pull the trigger, though he was unable to control his own body. When he approached the dying man, with the gun held just as tight in both his hands, he was speaking to him. Words were hard to make out, but Mobius caught them nonetheless. "You promised," the man said, looking up at him from the ground. "You promised,"
And Mobius watched life drain out of those eyes until there was none. His chest stilled, save for all those blood gushing out from the bullet hole.
You promised.
The first thing Mobius did after he torn himself out of sleep, was rush to the bathroom. He dropped on his knees, retching into the toilet. It was unfortunate, how he could rid his stomach of what he'd had for dinner but not his mind of the images burning bright in his head.
He remembered it now. What really happened.
The more Mobius thought about that, the more sick he felt.
He felt his throat burn, throwing up until there was nothing left but bile, yet he couldn't stop gagging on nothing. Memories never felt more real it was driving him to the point of insanity. Mobius felt like screaming, bashing his skull with the hard porcelain in front of him until it cracked in two, so that maybe it would make it stop; the blood, the ringing in his ears after he pulled the trigger.
"Mobius. Mobius!"
Maybe he'd been screaming, after all. Because when Loki pulled him backward and turned him around so their eyes met, Mobius thought he hadn't seen Loki this scared since... since Mobius watched him confront Thanos through the screen in the Time Theatre, back when he was an Analyst working for the TVA and Loki was a Variant.
"What happened? You're crying. Are you... are you hurt?"
And Mobius had only just realised; he was crying, chocking on his sobs.
"Mobius!" Loki's hands on his shoulders were film, which was precisely what it took to help Mobius realise how badly he was trembling. "Breathe," he added, because somehow, he must've known; even though Mobius was hyperventilating, he couldn't really get any oxygen into his lungs.
"Love, breathe. With me. Come on, you can do it,"
Mobius tried. Fuck. He tried. He ended up choking on his sobs, which he knew, was pathetic. A total, complete mess. Loki shouldn't have seen this. He shouldn't have had to deal with any of this.
"Hey," his hand touched Mobius's face, so gently, so mindful. "Just follow my lead. Can you do that for me?"
Mobius nodded. He tried to see through his tears. Loki's face was a blur in front of him, but his presence was clear nonetheless. So warm. So safe. Loki guided Mobius's hand until it came resting on his chest, then he took a slow, deep breath in, making sure Mobius could follow.
They took things slow, for the last thing Loki wanted, was to rush Mobius and have him spiral back into his episode again. It never happened. Mobius never had a panic attack, not that Loki knew of, but Loki was familiar with it enough to know when it happened, and how to help one cool down from it.
"You're doing good, love." He said, leaning his forehead against Mobius's. His hand holding onto Mobius's tight, the one that wasn't resting on his chest still.
"You're doing so good."
~~~
Mobius appreciated it greatly. Though part of him burnt with shame, the mess he'd become. Because Loki had to be the one cleaning him up, and Loki didn't ask questions when Mobius was still shaking, weeping. He, after leading Mobius back to their bed, simply hold him in his arms until Mobius calmed down, no matter how long it took.
"I... I remember," Mobius said, when the air no longer filled with the sound of his sobbing.
Loki didn't say anything. He kept holding Mobius tight, as if letting go would mean he'd break. He listened, encouraging Mobius to go on, on his own terms.
"The dreams, the nightmares I've been having, what they are. I was a cop, Loki. Before... before the TVA. And there was..." Mobius sighed. He was fully aware of himself basically being the little spoon, Loki's chin on the top of his head and Loki's arms wrapping protectively around his chest.
Speaking it aloud was, in its own right, triggering. But Loki's touch was keeping him safe, and it was what Mobius needed right now. "There was this case I was working on. This man. I... I promised him he'd get custody of his son, but things turned south. Alcohol was involved, drugs, too. Next thing I knew the man was holding his own son hostage. I... I had no choice. I pulled the trigger and then he --" Mobius cut himself off. He felt it hard to breathe again, but Loki was rubbing soothing circles against his skin with his thumb, keeping reminding Mobius he was here; home, safe and sound in his lover's arms, and not back there.
"I promised him things would be okay. I promised him,"
"Love, hey, no." Loki softy spun Mobius around until they were lying face to face on their sides. Their noses only a few inches apart. "That was not your fault,"
"I killed that man right in front of his son, robbed him of a father. I --"
"You saved that boy's life,"
"All that poor boy remembers of me, is that I killed his father,"
Loki shook his head. Mobius closed his eyes. "I'm a monster, aren't I?"
"That's not how I see it," he said, and Mobius reopened his eyes. He remembered saying just that to Loki at the Time Theatre. Loki was giving him a tiny, reassuring smile. His hand caressing Mobius's cheek. "What that boy remembers of you, is that you saved his life,"
"You can't possible know that," Mobius said, only barely a small whisper.
"You can't possible know he'll remember you as his father's murderer either,"
"But that's what I am, Loki."
Loki paused for a short while. "You did what you had to do," he said then. "If you hadn't pulled the trigger, the one who ended up dead might not be that man but his poor kid. You did not kill him, Mobius. He did it himself. You did what you had to do to save that kid's life,"
"Do you really believe that?" Mobius asked, and gosh he sounded so unbelievably young.
"I do know that," Loki said, certainly in his voice. He closed the small spaces between them and placed a soft kiss on Mobius's forehead.
"I'm sorry I woke you up in the middle of the night, made a mess in our bathroom and everything,"
"Hey," Loki lifted his chin up softy with his finger. "I was a mess and you took care of me,"
Mobius smiled then. "I guess we both were,"
Loki chuckled. "I suppose,"
"Do you... do you think I'll ever move on from that? What I did. The TVA sure did a good job erasing my memories, but now that I remember again..."
"I don't know," Loki said, it was a brutal truth, an honest truth, which was rare for a God of Lies, but Loki never felt the need to lie anymore, not when it came to Mobius. "But I do know one thing," he added. "I will always be here for you. You are not alone,"
Mobius smiled. He leaned closer until he was snuggling up to the warmth Loki's body provided, which was strange, for a Frost Giant, but Mobius always felt comfortably warm being so close to Loki, his Loki.
Loki held him close, planting kisses on the top of his head. Moment like this was precious, and even after what'd just happened, Mobius couldn't comprehend how lucky, how blessed he was, to have the privilege to call Loki his and his alone.
And maybe Loki was right; he only did what he had to do, back then. Maybe he could move on from it, with the help from his better half. And then they both could truly be happy. Together until the end of time.
"You will always have me, Mobius. Always."