jessie
"Well what's got you all happy?" Frank asked when he entered the kitchen.
It was Saturday morning and I was in the best mood possible, which obviously showed through my pleasant humming and complimentary hip-swinging as I made breakfast for my family. Pancakes and soy bacon.
"Hmm?" I said, looking up from the sizzling pan. "Oh, nothing. I guess it's just the lingering buzz from last night."
Frank hoisted himself up onto the countertop next to the stove. He reached behind him and got a plate from the cabinet, on which I placed a piece of bacon. "Did you really think it went that well?" he asked through food in his mouth.
"Did you not?" I retorted, quirking an eyebrow and offering a pancake. He accepted it.
He swallowed. "Of course I think it went well. I guess you're just not used to playing gigs."
I reached for a plate myself and loaded it with the contents of the pans in front of me. "I could do what we did last night forever." I chuckled to myself. I was so clever and Frank would never get the joke.
To tell the truth, I spent a lot of the night just as excited as I was now, if not more so from the fresh memories carved into my mind. As embarrassed as I was when I messed up attempting to kiss him, Gerard seemed to just let it make the ambiance more comfortable, not ruin the romance. In the minute where he held me, I felt so secure and never wanted it to end. But I knew that as unlikely as it had seemed two months ago, I would probably be granted the opportunity again.
And as for that physical barrier--we tore that down to the ground in the span of twelve hours. Once we had tasted any sort of amorous contact, it had all moved so fast until we were kissing backstage at a lounge. I had never really touched Gerard before, at least not in a manner that had strings attached. Sure, I had fallen asleep on top of him one evening so many nights ago, but that was nothing. His hand in mine, his arms on my waist and mine around his neck, his lips gracing my lips that then pulled into something more... I knew everything, all the blunders and misspoken words between us had led up to that, and it was worth it.
Full steam ahead it was for the next week. I was informed that it was important that we rehearse often in order to not slip, fully aware of this because of my experience in playing in high school. We had practice at Gerard's house that next Tuesday, and he kept looking at me. I almost couldn't stand it. I had to refrain from talking to him about anything other than music.
Thursday's practice then came and being in his presence was nothing short of torture; I longed to touch him again.
He dragged me aside that day after we were through and everyone else had gone upstairs from the basement where we had been playing. "I'm going nuts," he said, his voice hushed.
"Tell me about it," I said. He pulled me a bit closer and put his hands on my waist. I set my arms on his shoulders. If I had to be stuck doing anything for the rest of my life, I would want this to be it. He kissed me delicately on the mouth. I took my time opening my eyes in an attempt to savour the feeling.
"Let's do something," he said, "just you and me, huh? This stuff with everyone else isn't exactly my idea of spending time with you." He raised his eyebrows, expecting an answer.
"You want to spend time with me?" I asked. I was fairly certain of the answer, but hearing him say it would make me feel good.
"Of course I do," he said. "Always have. And I guess it's not creepy if I admit it now."
I chewed on my lower lip, suppressing a grin. "You're sweet, and I think that's a marvelous idea."
He smiled, and I looked up at him through my eyelashes. "Come over tomorrow, okay? I'll take you to dinner."
"Okay," I agreed. "Now I'm going to go upstairs first so it doesn't look like we were together." He nodded, and I leaned up to kiss him again. I swear my heart stopped beating.
I went upstairs getting ready to leave, and the first thing I noticed was Mikey staring at me as soon as I walked into the kitchen, where Frank and Ray had grabbed a cup of coffee each. They didn't seem to care that I had joined them late, but Mikey apparently did. I tried my best to seem nonchalant but mouthed to him, what?
The younger Way brother simply shrugged and took a sip from the mug he was holding. I was sure that he knew something. I'd find out later if that were true.
~~~~~~~~
I wasn't sure exactly where Gerard had planned to take when he told me to come over the next day, so I decided not to expect much of anything. I told my aunt I was going to Michelle's house and left, jittery on nerves the whole drive over. My hands shook violently and and no matter how hard I clutched the wheel, I couldn't seem to get them to stop. The radio didn't ease my mind much either. I was confused as to why I felt so anxious. It was only Gerard, after all.
The night was warm like July was, but a cool breeze blew in, pricking my skin in a comforting sort of way. I knocked on the door and Gerard answered, dressed casually in jeans and a shirt of some band I didn't recognize.
"Hey," he said, stepping outside onto the porch, illuminated by the soft glow of the setting sun. "You look beautiful." He wrapped me into a hug and I suddenly felt a warm feeling inside me. The summer heat sufficiently provided an uncomfortable exterior heat, but Gerard's touch spread it into my soul. By no means was I a delicate person, but I shrunk into his chest like it was the last thing I had to live for; however, it was all over in a matter of seconds.
I smiled. "Thank you. You look great yourself." He did. The golden light made his eyes look so much brighter, like sunlight through honey. He looked happier than normal, more awake even. He led me to his car.
The sunset had turned all sorts of pinks and oranges, which I admired silently for the first minute or so through the windshield. Once we were on the main road, Gerard said, "There's a little diner off of 21 that I love. Sound okay?"
"Of course," I said. A light conversation continued, mostly about music and the band. We soon pulled into a gravel parking lot that lay in front of a worn-down restaurant.
The inside was just as shabby as the out, but it held a comfortable 1950's atmosphere that reminded me of old movies. There were checkered floors and red booths, all topped off with a neon-lit vending machine. It was like a slap in the face with how nostalgic it all looked and was almost empty except for an older gentleman reading a newspaper at the counter and smoking a pipe. A tired blonde woman smiled at as we walked in and sat us down at a table. We ordered--a burger for Gerard and a salad for myself--and the food was brought out before long.
"So what are you planning on studying in college?" Gerard asked after he swallowed a bite of his food, following my question about his education. I learned he had majored in fine arts, which I had always been steered away from by my elders.
I stirred the straw around in my water. "Something in engineering, I'm pretty sure. But I have a while to decide."
His face fell from curiosity to almost disappointment. "Not music?" His eyes bore into mine, and I knew what he was thinking. How could I put a decade of drumming aside for another career? I asked myself that a hundred times a day, but I knew that I couldn't make a living with music, no matter how skilled I was.
"No, it's just not my path. Drumming is a hobby, not a job. At least, it is for someone else," I said, hoping I didn't upset him.
"I wish I could convince you otherwise," he said, taking a sip of his drink. "You're talented and I do think it's a feasible thing to follow." I shrugged.
He told me more about going to art school, and how that eventually led him joining a band. It wasn't clear to me how those two connected, but the vague was that he spoke suggested there was a piece missing that he didn't want to tell me. I respected that, as I had many secrets myself, but was still intrigued as to what it could be.
We finished the meal and Gerard payed, refusing the offer I gave to him for my half. The summer air stuck to me again as we walked out of the diner, our appetites satisfied and our minds on each other.
The ride back to his house was pleasant, and when I got out of his car, he came around and took my hands in his. It was dark except for a flickering streetlight, so I could hardly seem him through the shadows. But the light that remained around us haloed him, showing an expression of contempt, joy, unforgivable attraction. He looked genuinely at peace, obviously just as happy to be with me as I was with him.
The date had been as good as first dates got. I had been on a few before and they all had their fair share of discomfort. But with Gerard, I didn't get that feeling at all. "I had a great time," I said. "Thank you so much."
"I really want to do this again sometime soon," he said, looking deep into my eyes. "Do you want to come inside?" He glanced to the house.
"I have to get home. My aunt's expecting me. I'm sorry."
His smile faded slightly. "That's okay. Some other time then?"
"Of course," I said, nodding. I smiled and he put his left hand on my cheek. I prayed that he wouldn't tuck my hair behind my ear like in a romance movie or notice my scar. Instead, he brought his head to mine and kissed me gently. "I'll see you next week, Gerard." My lips were still dangerously close to his.
"See you later," he said, and I pecked him on the mouth again. I let go of his hands and walked down to my car. Giving him a small wave and a smile, I drove off, eyes focused on driving but thoughts centered around Gerard.
gerard
I woke up Saturday afternoon thinking of Jessie, spent the day thinking of Jessie, and went to bed thinking of Jessie.
Mikey had caught me before I could escape to my room. He asked where I had been, but I knew that I didn't have to answer. The way he looked at me--almost disapproving, almost curious--made me sick to my stomach. I wasn't doing anything wrong, yet somehow he made me regret feeling everything I did. And yet, these emotions were the very thing that let me ignore all of the doubts.
Weeks went by and the same thing kept happening. I'd steal moments with Jessie whenever we had the chance; even so much as a glance in her direction or a sideways smile could say so much. She would come over when she had the time, telling Frank she'd be at a friend's house. That raised no suspicion from him, or at least it wasn't obvious. But when Jessie left or I came home from doing something with her, I would get the same reaction from my brother and curse myself for it all.
Jessie and I spent a lot of our time together talking like we were the best of friends--and that's really what we became. I felt so much more for her than just romance. We had that, of course, but our bond had grown so much deeper in the span of another month and a half. She knew all of my stupid little quirks and secrets, which she didn't mind at all, and I knew hers.
However, something felt like it was missing, like there was something she wouldn't tell me. It didn't bother me like it should have; I trusted her to tell me whatever it was when she was ready, if there was even anything at all.
Aside from Jessie, things had been going well. Our band began getting hype, which was well deserved in my opinion, due to our hard work. Bullets was selling a lot more than we could have ever expected. We were getting booked more and more to the point where it was at least once a week. It was a major success in my eyes.
Presently, I sat on my porch, smoking a cigarette. Flicking off a piece of ash from the tip, I watched the grey smoke pour from the end and dissolve into the sky around me. It was a good feeling, to feel the rush of the vapor flooding my lungs, though I knew I was destroying them with each drag. I knew my mother highly disproved of my habit, but it was something I couldn't help, even when I was as happy as I was with so many amazing people in my life and being surrounded by music, despite the fact I was financially and mentally unstable.
So was this happiness? I couldn't tell.
I'm so sorry for the long time updating! I've had exams, stress, and more exams, so my writing had to be put away for a while. In June, I'll be a lot better about posting.
I've been kind of in a rut but I like where this going so far. I honestly love getting comments on what you guys think, and thank you so much for the support. It means a ton.
That's it for now. Thanks for reading!
Au revoir,
Cady