May 5, 2007
Opening night was possibly the most nerve wracking but exhilarating night of any show run.
That first roar of the crowd rings backstage, stepping on stage and seeing the full audience rekindles your drive for the performance, and the thrilling anxiety hoping they like it.
It's an adrenaline rush that feels like a rollercoaster, and Jaclyn lives for the build up.
She can hear soft clapping all the way in her dressing room as the overture music starts, meaning it must be thunderous on stage.
With that plus all the dancing that happens before her first entrance she won't be on for another twenty minutes. Her hair however is already done, and she's already dressed and stretching.
A stage hand will be down soon to get her, but she always manages to meet them in the hallway halfway. That's why she jumps when there's a knock on the heavy wooden door.
It cracks and Chelsy peaks her head in. Her blonde is straightened and gleaming falling on the sleeves of her black dress.
"I know I'm supposed to be watching," she quickly interjects before Jaclyn can jump her with questions, "but I have to leave right after and I had to be the one to give you these." Chelsy holds out a bouquet of blue hydrangeas, Jaclyn's favorite
"Plus, I haven't seen you since movie night, and I wanted to see how you're holding up." Jaclyn accepts the flowers, and pulls on her stage smile. Chelsy see through it immediately.
"I'm well, the hard part is supporting Will without showing how delighted I am he's not going. How are you doing?" Her fingers dance over the paper thin petals, admiring the tiny flowers that form individual spheres. When Chelsy doesn't speak though she looks up, worry clear as day in her blue eyes.
Chelsy grabs her elbows slouching down as she whispers. "Not well, I know it's not over for Harry. He's going to go eventually, and I don't know if I can go through that." Her lips pout as she tries to bite down everything she feels.
Jaclyn's always thought of Chelsy as vibrant, a sign of her youth, but she no longer looks young with exuberance. Instead unease decays her features until she is nothing but scared.
It's like staring down a portal to the past. If Jaclyn saw herself all those years ago, in that hotel room where her heart shattered to the point she thought there was no recovery, then this is what she would've looked like. The difference was Jaclyn was weighted down by the road blocks, and wanted to break through them. Chelsy looked torn to the point she could no longer fight everything that stood in her way.
"God, how awful I sound. It's not like I'm the one going into active service." Finally she looks up giving way to red blotched face, the anxiety pulling the strings as she tries to hide her shaking.
"True," Jaclyn soothes, going slowly forward to put her hand on the smaller girls shoulder. "but it's a lot for us waiting here as well. No matter what we do we can't keep them safe, we can do nothing but wait. Not to mention you can't tell anyone, so you're kind of suffering alone while everyone wonders why you're so high strung."
"Fair, but I think it's the fear that I'll know nothing when he goes." Jaclyn stilled, confusion pushing her brow up into a questioning look.
"What do you mean?"
Chelsy sobered quickly, her own still blotchy expression confused as well. "William didn't tell you?"
Tell her what? Jaclyn shrugged, her head whirling. Chelsy's meltdown mixed with what seemed to be anger, and hesitation. As if she was tempted not to reveal anything to Jaclyn at all.
"If William would have been shipped out, and when Harry is," she paused to take a shuddering breath. "We aren't privy to what's actually going on. Because we're not family the most we get to know is that they're overseas."
The exhaustion settled back over as she sagged into Jaclyn's hand that was still resting on her side. "So if something bad were to happen we wouldn't find out until the general public found out."
They slid to the concrete floor of her dressing room, Jaclyn's arm slung around Chelsy's shoulders as she shuddered soft breaths against the older girls chest. But not once did she cry.
That was how the stage hand found her, breaking into her dressing room in a panic because she hadn't met him in the hallway. They were still nestled together, Jaclyn completely ready for the stage, and Chelsy in no shape to return to the audience.
-----
Once on stage some of her problems flickered out from her mind. Despite the ache that was eating at her chest she danced through it. Becoming the naive wide eyed girl swathed in long chiffon silk. The technique of her dances was cemented in her thoughts, overcoming her limbs, and carrying her through. Jaclyn had to focus on keeping her true emotions hidden, consuming herself in the tragedy of the story.
She was soaring through the Bedroom pas de deux. Thomas was her anchor, lifting her above the ground, and pulling her across it. All she had to do was float and glide, and be the glistening diamond they all expected her to be.
Yes, desperation turned her bones brittle, but it enhanced the movement. Being Juliet wasn't just about beauty, a appreciated break from the standards that lurked around her, but real life existed within the motions of the young character.
A dancer could not be scared of being ugly.
So Jaclyn lashed and flung her arms, alluding to the impending doom that was just ahead for her and Thomas's characters.
The music dipped and so did she, falling into Thomas's arms, allowing for him to catch her at the last possible second as she arched up. When her feet kissed the floor with the tip of her pointe shoes once again, and she flung herself into his arms. If he noticed her fingers clutched harder at his loose top, her breathing slightly more shallow than normal, and her weight completely in his arms then he did nothing but reciprocate her actions.
Thomas swept her up in his arms, her legs extended in perfect lines despite the ache that shadowed her face, and he swung her up and over his head. Her gaze circled the theatre as she turned upside down still arched like a leaping dolphin.
And around and around she went.
The audience sat entranced, like they always did, tracing each step the couple did. Up in the balcony royalty looked down with pride.
-----
The hustle of backstage died down quickly after the show. Everyone was eager to go home or see their loved ones, and while many people stopped in to check on her she told all of them to leave. She knew what was coming, and she wanted to have the conversation in private.
So when she heard heavy footsteps coming down the hall she didn't know how to feel, and when William poked his head into her dressing room a proud smile on display she really didn't know how to feel.
Her hands wipe at the remaining makeup still covering half her face, her gaze latching onto his through the mirror. It's a good thing she found out before the show, the exertion of dancing and passing time allowed her to cool down.
The problem was now she didn't know what to say.
But William clearly did. "You were brilliant, darling. I think this is my favorite role you've done-"
Her eyes trailed down to her hands staring down the now smudged wipe as Williams voice turned to mush in her ears. Why wouldn't he tell her? She was dedicating everything she had to becoming perfect for his world, and this was what she got?
"When were you gonna tell me that if you were deployed and anything happened to you I wouldn't get to know?" The words were out before she could stop herself.
She looks up, back through the mirror, her eyes glassed over with hope like she were still wishing it weren't true. Yes, it was a little childish to be so dramatic over something that wasn't going to happen, but she couldn't conceal anger when she was truly hurt. No matter how childish, she still couldn't get past the fact tat he kept something so big from her.
Will was scared, erratic eyes alight with ideas on how to fix this. He wanted to run forward, grasp her hands, and asure her that he was going to tell her... Eventually. But his feet lost all mobility." Instead his voice crumbled with pressure. "Do we have to do this right now-"
"Yes! We do!" She turned to face him, and all he wanted to do was kick himself. "Because I wanna know what you were planning on doing if the deployment went through?"
"It didn't go through," he tried to amend, but Jac was far too gone. He had no clue how long she had known, or even who told her for that matter, and he could see the dragging minutes of knowing were building stress within her porcelain face.
"But for over a month we thought it was going to."
He cringed, hands instinctively bracing as if she were going to pounce. Putting it that way it sounded bad, and Jac was stubborn, an impossible boulder to move once set.
She stood, her trembling hand grasped the top of her chair, and he paced the rest of the way to be close to her. "Were you gonna do it at the airport? Oh! By the way Jac if I'm held hostage by terrorists you get to find out via Piers Morgan on the Sunday morning news!" Her voice edged more on hysterical than shouting.
Her glare was braced with haze like water, not quite to the point of crying, but he couldn't help but curl his fingers gently around her shoulders. Was she swaying on her feet? Were her eyes drooping more than normal? Was she actually upset, or did she finally hit the last stage of exhaustion? Maybe it was both?
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want to stress you out. You've been through a lot, and I didn't want to add to it." Maybe I'd she wasn't so wound, and clearly exhausted she would have deflated, chastised him for not telling her, and moved on. His words however only seemed to add steam.
Her grasp released the deathly grip on the chair, striding forward so her bare feet touched his toes. Jaclyn barely reached his shoulder, but with the glare trapped in her eyesa William felt as if she were looking down on him.
"Don't," she bit out warningly, "turn this around on me." Arms crossed her stare shifted to the side, and he watched as the assurance wavered, her lip coming between her teeth in concentration.
Slowly his hand lowered on her shoulder, but seconds passed before she turned to fully look at him. "That's why you you look you're on the brink of a breakdown?"
He wasn't accusing her of anything, and she knew that, but she still flinched. Since coming back to England she had been trying so hard to be stoic and unproblematic. Like them. She was trying to be like them. Erase who she was to become something false, pressuring herself to exhaustion, and feeling disappointed when the results weren't to her liking.
"I..." Her gaze lingered with William's before she collapsed into his chest the weight pushing the both down to their knees. "I'm just trying my best," she whispered, weak hands digging into his suit jacket. The grip only loosened when his covered hers, massaging away any tension.
"We're not getting married, and that's my fault. I want to focus on my career, my stupid stressful career, and that's my fault. Everyone here wants me to change, and everyone back home hates me because I've changed too much. I'm trying, I really am, but it's not enough... I'm doing everything I can and still coming up short."
"And when Chelsy told me... I thought, god, if that were to truly happen I worry I wouldn't have been able to handle that too. It was going to be hard enough acting like you weren't there, it would've been torture to have been left in the dark."
"Jac, I-"
"But that's not all," she croaked sniffling words still reverberating off his chest. "Will, it hurts that you didn't tell me. Like somehow you knew I wouldn't be up for it." Her head was screaming at her that he knew her emotions turned her to glass. Worthless, breakable glass.
"Jac," he kissed the top of her head, trying his best to run his hands through her crispy hairsprayed waves. "That's not it at all. I should've told you, but I was scared. It was me not you, but you need to talk to me when everything's getting to be too much."
She still refused to look up, but she held him like a lifeline, but how long has they been apart? Leaving her to carry herself through the entire mess on top of everything she had to go through. He kissed the top of her head again, she was there with him, but he shuddered at the thought of what could've happened if Gillian Lynne got her way. He remembered her crestfallen fear as she stared at her plate that first night.
God, he couldn't lose her, not that he was going to. Even if she didn't know it she was too strong for that.
"Lack of communication, grudges and distance is what ruined my parents marriage, I don't want that to be us," he whispered to her gently, "From now on let's promise to talk to each other, no matter how insignificant it seems."
"And trust each other," she added quickly, finally pulling away enough so he could see into her eyes.
He nodded, "and trust each other."
-----
This chapter was my worst nightmare, but it's done, Bless! I'm so sorry for the long hiatus, but I'm starting to run out of steam. I've been working on this story for a year and a half now. I guess I want to work on other things but it's hard when I'm committed here. Don't worry I'm determined to finish, I just also know it's becoming more taxing to write each chapter.
But let me know what you guys think and hopefully I can get back into a schedule now that I'm starting to feel better after the chaos that was last semester!