He sat there staring back at me as if he could really see me.
My heart recognizes that face, that face I love to see smiling, that face that I love the most and finally, that face which 'cause me so much pain.
My head and my heart debated if I should continue this, I reach for the remote with a heavy hand and press the pause button before he even starts talking.
I look at the photographs again; these ones were taken even before we started shooting. Some of the pictures we're taken when Zayn and I were suppose to "bond" but why? I stare at our picture with tears forming in my eyes
"Should I listen to you?" I ask him
I hit play again; this might be the last time I'd have to listen to him.
"Hi..." he wave his hand at me "... Please don't touch the remote"
I chuckle a little.
Ah.. He really knows what I would do.
"... I'm sorry but just hear me out. I'm not- I'm not asking you to forgive me I just-..." he keeps struggling for words "... I just want you to know my side of the story. It's enough that I know that you know why I did all those things..."
He straightens up “Do you still remember how we met?"
A smile spreads across my face
"I was surprise at what you did; I'm not really used to being shouted at and being shoved out a room. You definitely look pretty then at that's what makes it worst, I was really pissed at you for doing that then, Harry came along and I bet he had already charmed you then..."
I remember all of it but it seems to be so distant.
"... then I saw Jill, I do admit that I had a crush on her but then I felt different towards you. I don't really know what it is but it's there. It seems that Harry and You already like each other even before the Hollister shoot and that made me feel more annoyed towards you. At the shoot, I tried making you feel intimidated for once but surprisingly the moment that I touched you and you responded, I really enjoyed it. You were so adorable and I was happy that I was able to make you blush then I began teasing you..."
I remember it all, crystal clear in my head. It's like watching a movie on my mind.
"... When we got home, Harry can't stop talking about you then, he suggested that we should get you for our music video since you're a model and we need one. Well as you can see, he got what he wanted. We flew to the Bahamas; we got there a few days ahead of you. Then, came the day that you finally arrived, I got confuse then for surprisingly I wanted to see you. We saw Jill at the beach first and she told us that you're still fixing your stuff. I know it annoys you when see me anywhere near Jill and I told you that I had a crush on her so I stick to her side. You came and Harry was stuck at your side like I am with Jill. At first, I thought I was just annoyed because my friend likes someone who I find really annoying but turns out it wasn't that at all..."
"... Then John paired us up and I saw that you were pretty pissed and it made me happy. I thought I was happy because I'm finally making you feel pissed but it wasn't really what made me happy, it's the idea of working with you. The next day we went to the club, when I saw you go down the stairs it kinda confirmed that I was annoyed at you because I like you and you don't really like me. When Harry kisses your cheek at the club, I was really jealous but then when you were dancing with him I noticed that you kept on looking at me so I thought that maybe you also like me so I try to get back at you, and when Jill told me that you could sing I brought it up and then you know what happened..."
"... At the car, I saw that Harry rested his head on your shoulder and I thought of trying to annoy you by sleeping on Jill's shoulders but turns out I slept at yours. Don't worry I was really sleeping then. Paul just told me. I woke up the next morning thinking about you, I don't know how to tell Harry that I like you and that you could possibly like me because I know that he also likes you. So I told myself that I'll try to control my feelings. I went out to find you and that when I saw you sleeping, what I told you was the truth I really thought you passed out or something then you mentioned about Harry covering for me and that I should thank him for that, I felt a little annoyed 'cause even if he wasn't here you're still thinking about him..."
I really don't know what to think. He was reacting that way towards me because he likes me and he thought that I like Harry instead and that annoyed him so much. So he like me even before....
".... I left you, Well I never left you, I stayed near you, I just didn't let you see me.." he was smiling now and it made cry to see him like that for I can't remember the last time I saw him smiling "... but then I feel asleep and you're gone. I went to find you and that's why I was late but I was really happy when you covered me. It made me feel that maybe you didn't hate me after all but still I don't know how to tell you or anyone else. Then I gave you the apple...” he laughs "... I'm sorry that it's just an apple"
I smile. He didn't know that I really don't care what he gave me as long as it came from him, I'd treasure it; like what I did with the apple.
"... It was the same day that Jill noticed it and I was forced to tell everything to her..." he says running his finger through his hair
Jill knew about what he felt? But why did-?
"... She had notice how I look at you and how I reacted around Harry and You. She told me that she'd help me with you 'cause she said..." I grin was on his lips "... you had a crush on me and she believes that you still do. So, if she asked you to describe me, you know now what's behind that..."
I laugh a little as I wipe the tears away which made everything so blurry
"... During dinner she distracted Harry for a little while then I followed you at the balcony. I think that was the 1st conversation we had without quarreling. I tried to be nicer 'cause she told me that you describe me as "a much nicer airhead" but at least there was the word "nicer" on it. When I was watching you that night, I knew that I had fallen in love with you..." he sigh
"... That same night Jill told me that the way you smile when I'm around was your smile when you're in love and I had hope. She told me that she'd help me make you realize that and we thought of a way, that is pretending that I like her so that you wouldn't get suspicious if you saw us together and your reactions towards our pretending might either confirm or deny Jill's assumption. We went to the yacht that next day, I saw Harry and you being sweet and I was really really jealous that I acted sweet towards Jill. I thought Harry and you will kiss that day. Do you remember it? It was on the yacht, you had you're arms around his neck and your faces are so close. I don't know if I can stand seeing that, so I close my eyes and rested my head on Jill's shoulders and then, she told me you didn't kiss and that you turn to look at me which made me smile..."
"... Jill said he'd distract Harry for a while to give me time with you and I took that chance. Louis came behind us and he said that we do look good together but then we ganged up on Louis and threw him in the water instead. I saw that I was able to make you laugh and that I should do it more often. The next day I had planned to finally tell you how I feel. You might be wondering why I didn't do it earlier, it's because I know if I we're to asked you to choose between Harry and me then, you'd choose him because I was a jerk to you. So, thought I'd delay that for a while and win you over..."
My heart skips. You already won me over before that.
"... I can't sleep that night and when I went out on the balcony I saw you. I called you and I thought that this might be the chance that fate was giving me turns out I was bloody wrong, I wasn't ready to tell you and I don't want to lose you so I ask your help, I told you that I like Jill. I saw it as a chance to buy more time with you. I know that would make things complicated but it's the only way I saw. The following morning, Sugarscape happened. I try to take the blame away from you but you just won't let me do that. Then everyone started shouting and before I know it you already ran out of the room. Jill wasn't angry that you went out with me, it's the fact that you didn't tell her when you had the chance to, she felt left out.."
"... I went out to find you then, I saw crying. It hurted me a lot to see you like that and the worse is I couldn't be more than just a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to tell you badly that you have me and you could forget about everything but I can't. I saw that you were hurt because Harry got mad at you and the only thing that will make you happy again is if things between you and him are all going well again. You don't know how badly I wanted you to just stay in my arms but that's not what you want. It hurted me a lot to say to you to get him but, what can I do? You like him..."
I bit my lip as tears started pouring out again. I didn't know I was hurting him that bad. I didn't know he felt that way.
"... then your birthday came, I can't think of any gift for you. I want something that you'll always have with you for the entire night or even for the entire week and that why I gave you a tattoo 'cause I know that at least even if you're with him, you still have a piece me in you. I wanted to tell you so badly how I felt so I thought that tonight would be a good time and not right now 'cause if ever you rejected me tonight I have the whole night to suffer for it but if I told you know, I'd have to pretend that everything's all right no matter what. That piece of paper that I showed Jill was supposedly yours, those words are yours. It happened all so fast that I don't know what I was doing the last thing I remember was seeing you and Harry about to kiss then after that, I was asking Jill to be my girlfriend already..."
Tears streams down his cheek as he continues on, I want to be there with him so badly.
"... She said no 'cause she knows that I love you. I look for you around but you weren't there and so was Harry. I know that you might be with him right now and that breaks me 'cause what if he had the same plans like I did. I couldn’t-..." he pauses, struggling for words
"... When you found me drunk and asked me what's wrong I wanted to tell you that it's you but then I saw you crying and that's not what you need. So when I told you that the girl I love doesn't love me, I was referring to you. You and only you..."
I flinch. That was me. I didn't know.
"... We spend the night together and that's the happiest night of my life and when we woke up that morning, I pretended to not know what happened last night. But I did. I remember everything. It was weird that I was-... that I was the first one to take it all the way with you...” he smiled "... I got you even before Harry did and the way you looked at me that morning gave me a glimmer of hope. We kissed that same day, even if it was a screen kiss, I felt happier than ever, to do it in front everyone. It's like I could pretend that everything was going the way I wanted to, That same day, you were in trouble again.."
He closes his eyes and pressed his temples
"... Michael, yes. I do remember that arsehole's name. He tried to do something bad to you. You don't know how hard it is not to break him; I wanted him to suffer just for thinking of you that way. You were hurt and no one can hurt you when I'm around. I saw how worried you are for me and everything was worth it. I felt that you love me after all..."
I shudder as I remember him get beat up, it was the most horrible thing I've seen yet and now he's saying that it's worth it just because he felt that I love him after all. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it.
"... Harry told me that the reason you pretended was because you thought that Jill was my girlfriend, she wasn't. That kiss that you saw was a mistake. I was gonna kiss her on the cheek but then she turned to the right because she said heard footsteps making my kiss land on her lips instead. I was really gonna tell you that time but then you and Harry showed up. You're already taken. I don't wanna say goodbye to you but there's nothing more I could do but then I notice your swollen eyes, I wanna ask what's wrong but I was afraid that I might just hurt myself if I did..."
"... Jill stuck by me for she says she couldn't bear to see Harry and you together, Yes. she loves him. We pretended to be dating hoping that by doing this, the pain might go away but it doesn't it just gets heavier and heavier each day. Seeing you with him was the worst nightmare I could imagine and now it came true..."
I sob. He's got it even worse than mine
"After that, you know everything there is I began telling you that I love you even though I know it's wrong but I was still hoping that maybe you'd change your mind. That's it. You know now everything"
He wipes his tears away
I sat there dumbfounded. I didn't know what he went through because of me and I make him feel even worse for it. I punish him for hurting me, not knowing I was already 'causing him twice the pain yet he didn't say anything.
He loved me so much and I didn't know it.
"... I'm sorry that I was a coward, that I didn't tell you how I feel earlier, I was just afraid of losing you to Harry, to anyone. I'm sorry for hurting you but I'm just human and I don't know what to do. I just want you to be happy and yet I end up hurting you. I know even if I say sorry for a thousand times, it wouldn't change the fact that I hurted, I hurted you badly but I didn't mean to I was just so scared of losing you that I didn't realize you were already slipping away. If I could turn back time I would just to avoid hurting you and I swear if I got a second chance I will love you right..."
He pauses to wipe his tears away then, smiles at the camera. It was much painful to see him smiling knowing that he's still trying to hide the pain 'cause he knows that will hurt me.
"...I know I can survive life without you but, I'd rather have you with in it because every single moment is priceless when you're around. I'd rather hurt myself than hurt you. I love you and it will always stay that way. I'm leaving for New York today but my heart will always be wherever you are."
"........"
It was too much. I hated him for all the wrong reasons. I hurted him because he loves me. I fell on the floor and it all went out. I cry loudly as if that's going to help correct everything that I did wrong. I wasn't supposed to hurt anyone yet I ended up hurting everybody. And it's too late to fix it.
I guess, my happy ending won't exist after all....
I press my head on my knees, trying to hide my face.
"Please let me wake up from this nightmare! I'll do anything just please let me go back! Let me go back! I don't wanna hurt him! I don't wanna hurt anyone. I'll take it all back just please... please... I didn't mean to Zayn... I'm sorry..."