I stomped up the driveway, like a little girl who'd gotten into trouble. God I was so over this whole day. The past few hours felt like a complete blur, I was well aware that it was bordering on two in the morning, a brand new day— technically— but I felt no better than I had before.
Fiddling with the key in my hand, I knelt down onto the ground, getting a better view of where I was supposed to insert it. After a good minute of trying, the door swung back and my body slumped with it. "Ouch. Fuck, my elbow." I whined, fully on my hands and knees now, crawling forwards and kicking the door closed behind me with the heel of my boot.
Manoeuvring my body, I made sure the door was locked, before I landed my back against it with a tired huff. That took far too much effort than I was willing to admit, and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness surrounding me, I noticed a rather muscular shadow sitting in the armchair to my right.
I couldn't make out who it was, my drunken state didn't help either, and so with wide eyes and a brain wanting to do nothing but sleep, I yawned, "I've had a big night... if you're going to get me, I'll tell you now, I physically won't be able to run." It was the instant scoff that told me it was no stranger sitting in that armchair all on it's lonesome. And I found it even more disgraceful of myself to know what Harry sounded like when he scoffed.
"I can't deal with you right now," I shook my head, trying to scramble up onto my feet, "When I meant it wasn't your day, I meant I needed to sleep it off and see you tomorrow." My hand held onto the wall for dear life and I tried to watch him as seriously as he was watching me, but honestly, I was still seeing double. "It's technically the next day." He grumbled, and I knew he was annoyed, I had no idea why.
As I took a few steps closer, I could see that he had changed into his black boxers, sitting low on his hips as they were, I bid my eyes to look far from the snail trail that called my name. "No. I'm not doing this shit with you Harry, you knew what I meant. You should have gone to bed." I folded my arms across my chest, irritated that he had even waited for me, as if I were still a child. That was debatable right now, but I damn wasn't.
"Well I'm not in bed and you'll just have to deal with me." His voice was stern and I wasn't quite sure if he thought I would oblige to his attempt to get me to listen. Surely he knew I wouldn't. "You've already made me feel like shit enough tonight, but you wanna keep going? Sure. Lay it all on me." I insisted, trudging along to the armchair opposite him, the coffee table now the only thing between our fiery gazes.
I really didn't like the way my body now felt warmer under his watchful eye, I was supposed to be mad at him damn it. But I was, I was still so mad at him and I wouldn't give into his chiseled chest and spread thighs. "I didn't mean to hurt you that way baby, I hadn't seen you in so long and all I wanted to do was hold you. My words came out way too raw but I hadn't meant that I'd forgotten about you. Yes, I made a poor judgment in thinking that Evie would have called, she should, she should have definitely called. But... I should have as well." He finished his spiel, voice kept low and controlled. His palms were gripping each arm of the chair and his left leg bounced with nerves.
Staring at his expectant face, him waiting for an answer, I only continued to stare, waiting for more. "I'm sorry baby. I'm really fuckin' sorry." His voice turned softer as he leant forward, placing his head in his hands as if he were frustrated with himself. "You don't know how to deal with a neglected person-" I flatly began, though pausing when he rose his head and spoke, "I'm trying, and I'll keep trying."
I shook my head, the alcohol suddenly deciding to leave my body of all its effects. A weight felt placed upon my shoulders, that was how I knew I felt myself again. "You cut me off," I teased, almost forgetting that I'd even been mad at him, "I was going to say, I don't even know how to deal with a neglected person... and I am that neglected person." My words spoken out loud felt scarier than they had sounded in my mind.
They felt more real. More set in stone. But they were true, I didn't really know how to deal with myself. God I sounded pathetic. The silence around us sounded too painstakingly loud, and so I spoke, just above a whisper, "Maybe it was unfair of me to be so hurt, and maybe I shouldn't have placed so much expectation onto you. I can't expect that of you... but I think I did without even realising it." I rose my glance to Harry's eyes, they seemed sad as the moonlight from the window washed over him.
"I want you to expect things from me Mae, I don't want you to look at me like you look at everybody else." He stated, his body forward. "How do I look at everybody else?" I questioned him, noticing that sad gleam striking his eyes, "Like they don't see you. Like you've given up on trying. Like you're less than they are." I drew my bottom lip through my teeth, thinking about his words and how exactly he could tell all of that from a look on my face.
He shook his head, "Please let me keep trying for you. You have every right to be pissed off, for however long you want. But don't give up on me." I stared at him in awe, wondering if he knew that giving up on him was never a seed planted in my mind. Though his words did spark something within me, a question running through me because of just how raw he had sounded, "What are we Harry?"
My words seemed to shock him, but he straightened his back and his focus was purely mine. "How do you mean?" He said, almost unsure of how to really go about that question. We were treading in murky water, stepping forward without thinking, though knowing things weren't that clear.
I was scared of his answer, even though I'd been the one to pitch him the question. Though I couldn't stop myself. Not because I wanted him to demand to be mine, I knew he likely wouldn't be. But I had to know what this kind of thing was called in his book, so that I knew how to go about it.
"I guess I'm just wondering if this is how you speak to all of the other people you're seeing." I folded a leg over the other and awaited his response. With a quirk of his brow, he answered, "You're the only one I see." His voice was below a whisper, yet so sure and certain. A sliver of my anger dissipated, because I knew I had the world looking right at me.
And he saw me. He saw through me, he saw my outer, he saw my inner, he saw who I so badly was trying to grow from. And still, he continued to see me. Because he wanted to.
That realisation hit me like a load of bricks, crashing down and sending a shiver over my skin. And we had both just talked out our feelings and thoughts like two mature people, I had no intention of holding a grudge against him— which I would normally do, to which I wasn't proud of— I didn't want to hold his wrongdoings over his head. I wanted him to prove to me with his actions that he would do exactly as he said. I knew he expected the same in return, and I would gladly do exactly that for him.
And even though this was starting to feel like a relationship, one I knew would hurt me, I wouldn't dare give it that label. We weren't ready for a title. We created our own little world and that was where we belonged for now. I didn't have an inkling of when we may venture out of it, or if we ever would. If we did, it would be the purest form of togetherness I would ever come across. I wouldn't want to come across anything ever again. If we didn't, it would be another broken piece inside of a barely glued together girl.
There were only two ways it would go.
Thought for right now, I pushed the past week and a half from my mind. I did it because I wanted to, I didn't want it to weight down my thoughts, they were low enough. And so with a shy look on my face— one I couldn't help— I picked myself up off the couch and slowly made my way over to a nervous looking Harry.
I saw him gulp as I neared closer, my quiet steps stopping until I reached his parted legs. I was convinced that he could already see the guard uncover from my eyes, fading away slowly, because as he tilted his head back to look at me, he said, "Sleep on it. Don't forgive me yet." And I was so stunned that he had vocalised something like that, but I was thankful, and I would do just that.
Though gently, I placed my index and middle finger over his lips, ghosting their softness as I whispered, "I haven't, and I will sleep on it, but... you're really here." His hands slid their way over my hips as soon as I'd finished speaking. Their familiarity and warmth causing my eyes to shut in comfort, their grip so set on the flesh of my jeans.
He inched his body forward and let his arms wrap around my waist, his forehead gently resting on my stomach. "Fuck I missed you so much." He breathed, and I could feel his lips feather over my skin lightly with each word. I knew I had missed him too, so much, but as his arms tightened around me and his lips placed the most gentle kiss to my belly, I knew I missed him way more than I should have.
I couldn't help the way my body caved. I couldn't help the way I crawled onto his lap like he had been gone forever. He leant back against the armchair and my arms felt all the way over his broad shoulders until I clasped them behind his neck. "This is how it's supposed to be." He said, lips so close to my ear I could feel his warm breath. My heart squeezed at the sound of sadness in his tone, like such special words held nothing but brokenness.
"You make it sound sad." I exhaled, snuggling just that bit tighter into his neck. Breathing in the scent I had missed so much. He let out an unsteady hum and I knew it was bad. "It is." Was all he said, and I bet he didn't know just how much I despised those two words. "Why's that?" I asked him, my legs bent and straddling his thighs, he moved the smallest bit and my clothed chest could feel his heartbeat quicken against my own.
A shiver flew down my spine at the feeling of Harry's cold rings settling on the small of my back, "You know why Mae, tell me you know." It sounded as if his own words scared him, but I did know, I knew exactly what he was nearing to. Though as much as I had expected to hear this eventually, I hadn't prepared for it to be now.
I pulled back from our tight embrace, but Harry's grip on my back stayed firm. My eyes flittered over his face, wondering why on earth we were about to have this conversation now. His eyes were pleading with me to understand, jaw tense and muscles contracting every time he met my eyes. "You're going to give me this talk now?" I shyly spoke, nibbling the inside of my cheek. I wondered if this would have a good or bad outcome? I wondered how my future self would handle the reality once Harry truly spoke the words out loud.
Harry sighed, letting the unease slip from his senses. "Don't say it like that baby." My head shook, eyes closing in frustration as my fingers lay intertwined with the hairs on his chest, "I swear to god Harry, if you pull the little sister card on me right now I'm going to bed." I spat, knowing full well that's what this was.
He let out a 'tsk' before huffing, "I'm not pulling any cards Mae, I just- the trip made me think of shit and now I just want to talk to you about it." His tone stayed soft— not something I was used to from men in such situation— and so I gave him a small nod, "Okay," I whispered, "We can talk." More I thought, we can talk more, because clearly we hadn't finished.
Holding onto my hips, he shifted upwards and took me with him, sitting me on his thighs for this serious serve he was about to give me. Not a serve, a mature talk, I reminded myself. I hated that I was so used to being lectured by men when it came to serious talks with them. Surely that wasn't healthy. But I soldiered on like I always did, giving him a nod to continue.
"I think being surrounded by everyone without you there... I don't know, made me realise that we somehow created our own little world where nothing matters, where it's just us," He began, staring deeply into my soul with every word, "And being away—alone— thinking about you non fuckin' stop, I- I like you so much Mae, I'm serious when I say all I see is you." I nodded and took one hand from his chest, letting it drop between us.
With his hands still on the small of my back, he clasped them together, flattening them against my skin, "But fuck baby, you're-" He stopped himself before he said the words I dreaded to hear, before he said the only reason this couldn't be anything real. "I can't give you certain things. It's not me who's supposed to give them to you."
"And who makes those certain rules?"
"Mae..." He frowned, eyes lowering, and before he imploded with not knowing what to say, I eased his discomfort. "I get it Harry, I know what you're trying to tell me." He looked up at me with those sad puppy eyes and I felt like I could stay in his arms forever.
Except now, he was telling me that forever was something someone else was supposed to give me, not him. "You think I'm the real deal. You think I'm worth settling down for. But that's what you can't give me, you can't settle down with me because your friendship with my sister is too important to ruin by going there with me." I chose my words carefully, though it seemed as though I could have said anything and Harry would still have the pained expression just as he had now.
"You didn't have to say it like that." He drew his eyes closed and I could feel his left leg begin to bounce. And now I had noticed him do it too many times to know this was his form of releasing his nerves. We didn't stray that far from each other. But he stopped the leg bounce once he knew I'd bounce along with it. "No matter how I could have said it, the outcome wouldn't have changed." I weakly smiled, hating the non existent curl of his lips.
Harry's hand rose, I felt him push back a piece of my hair, away from my face as he watched me, "I can only give you so many things." He whispered, reading me too well to know that I knew what he meant. "But you can't give me forever." I whispered back, matching his softness. And he gently shook his head, placing his large palm on the skin of my cheek, strumming his thumb along my cheekbone.
My brain already played catch up, already knew the way this was supposed to go. So I wondered why my heart hurt so much, as if Harry felt further than he was. He felt out of reach, so close yet I couldn't quite get a hold of him, and I realised then, that this situation was exactly that.
He would always be there, but never to keep.
"I don't want to hurt you, and I don't want to hurt Evie. So if I have to hurt myself and stay in this limbo to make sure you're both happy, then that's what I'll do." Harry nodded, almost giving himself a pep talk, going over what he thought was right. "That hardly sounds fair." I said, not knowing if I could reciprocate and place a comforting hand on his cheek. The line seemed even blurrier now.
"I can't hold you back when it won't lead to anything," He truthfully said, and even though I respected him for it, it didn't sting any less to hear the reality. "Evie would never forgive me, she wouldn't even try, we both know it," He was right, she was stubborn and unforgiving, "She's helped me through so much, when I was low, when I didn't want help but needed it... I- I can't risk that. And I can't risk hurting you."
I nodded, it was all I could do. I knew exactly where he was coming from, I heard all the hard truths, all the realistic outcomes of the fantasy we had tried to make. I couldn't even be mad at him, I knew he was trying to save everyone, that was just who he was.
"Does this mean you're going to avoid me?" I wondered aloud, my heart beating as Harry's hand clasped over my own fidgeting ones, steadying them from their nervous tremble I hadn't known had started. He looked at me crazily, "You're warped if you think that cherry girl." My smile was instant, and grew even wider once Harry's dimples showed, all bright and beautiful.
It was in that action, the smallest of moments, that I realised this thing between Harry and I was too pure to pass up. To just let go of completely. I didn't have to be a forever girl, I was willing not to be if it meant I could buy time with Harry. I was willing to let go of the realisation that I wouldn't have him forever, if it meant that I could him in the now. That was enough for me.
"You can't give me forever, and that's okay... I get it. But H, I still need you somehow." I sighed against his lips, my forehead touching his own. That was how we stayed, me perched on his lap, his comforting arms holding me tight so that I wouldn't disappear into thin air.
I felt more at home in his embrace than I did sitting in these walls that I grew up in. How did that happen? These walls grew me to twenty, yet Harry made me feel infinite.
He blew a minty breath against my lips as he spoke, "Nothing will change between us, I've still got you." But I wanted to huff and whine in his face, telling him that almost everything had changed between us, that he had me for as long as our borrowed time would allow. That was another burden I'd have to carry, wondering when the time bell would sound.
The special kind of softness I knew all too well planted itself against my mouth— Harry's lips. My eyes closed willingly as I let him take me out of my worsening state of mind. And it felt so good to have him like this, to finally feel his raw lips mend into my own. I wondered how many times I'd get to do this for until I couldn't. Until it would be forever and Harry would be nowhere in sight.
I sighed into his mouth, feeling the light swipe of his tongue on mine before he pulled back, holding my face in his hands, watching me to make sure I heard him.
His eyes took me in before he whispered, "I can't give you forever, but I can give you the right now's." I let out a breath I hadn't known I was holding in, staring at him in awe as if he had just handed me the world, moulding it into one meant just for me.
I felt two tears slip down my cheeks, though not for long once Harry swiped his thumbs over them, stopping their free fall. And I smiled, because I knew he could give me that. At least for however long his right now's included me for.
Leaning forward, I placed my lips to his, savouring their taste and shape and how they were my favourite set of lips to ever exist. I could have sworn kissing him felt like something so indescribable, like every pure feeling the world could give. The way he responded to my touch, the way he knew exactly how to kiss me and make it mean something each and every time.
Kissing Harry felt like he willingly chose to bear my weight on his shoulders, like he picked up half the load and made sure I wouldn't have to carry it all alone. He cleared my mind, made it feel lighter and manageable, made it feel like a place I wanted to be in.
And as I placed my last kiss of the night to his lips, I wondered if he could read my mind, if he could hear my loud internal screams, I want all of your right now's! Can't you at least give me that!